Recent Thoughts

Confidence & Counselling

2007-12-02T04:44:00.000-05:00

I wanted to expand on the counselling portion of my previous post. I spent some time observing the manner in which people converse and very subtle nuances become apparent. It’s the manner in which people express themselves.

Confidence is a wonderful thing to possess. It draws people to you. If you’re confident, people will believe in you, trust in you. It goes beyond that though. You begin to realise how you yourself change. Less time is spent worrying about what could happen and more time actually doing things. You believe that there’ll be a positive result, that you’ll succeed and as a result, you act quicker. Confidence helps people stop being and start living. Whether your goal is to improve your own life or the lives of others, confidence is a valuable quality to command.

I could go on about how I feel confidence helps one improve his or her own life but for those of you who have been following my posts for all these years, you’ll know that I’m always more concerned with helping others.

When one is confident, a key characteristic is that the person is more willing to make a bold claim. You’re no longer held back by the fear that people will respond negatively to your claim. Quite often, I find people believe in something but they won’t publicise it since they don’t want to offend some people. I can accept that some people don’t publicise everything because they don’t want to hurt others or rub people the wrong way but many times, I’ve come across people who don’t want to claim something because they don’t want others attacking their claim and in a sense, challenging their credibility.

Believing in something is like an artist buying art supplies. It’s a start and sets the stage but only a painting will allow the artist to express himself. I am all for people believing in something and wanting to keep it to themselves. However, if you want others to agree with you then confidence will help. Charisma doesn’t hurt either.

It’s much easier to get people to listen to you when you’re confident and charismatic. You exude this air about you that draws people to you. They want to listen to you; they are interested in what you have to say. Yes, people will not be able to deny what you say if you’re providing facts but often, facts are not available or applicable. I cannot give you facts on whether it’s better to go with Girl A or Girl B. I can present you with my opinion based on what you’ve told me and it’s up to you to decide if you believe what I’m saying.

There has been many a time where I don’t believe what I’m telling the person but I know that they’ll benefit more if I convince them to follow the other alternative. I’ve found that my success rate in such situations has been a lot lower. Eventually the person might still do as I said, but I know it wasn’t because of me. The reason being that often when I don’t believe what I’m saying, I don’t sound as confident. That doesn’t surprise anyone, right? It makes complete sense, actually. You don’t believe in something so you’re less confident when stating it.

Still, I’d like to think that I’m now very good at stating something I don’t believe in (or sometimes, I know to be a lie) and sounding so confident that the listener will believe me. It’s not something I do often though. I’d like to believe that I’ve progressed as a counsellor.

Before, I’d provide advice based on what I felt was the best course of action. I realised that essentially, I was living my life through the shoes of the person I was helping. I was telling them what I would have done if I was in their place. I was convincing them to do just that. It did work. I was helping the person and often, they did benefit. However, I realised that I wasn’t helping the person to the best of my abilities. It wasn’t just about helping the person get through their problem; it was about helping that person avoid future problems while still knowing how to tackle them.

I changed my strategy. It became more about leading the person to my solution. I admit it sounds tedious and a waste of time to some. If I know the solution, I should just tell the person and help put their mind at ease quicker.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime – Confucius

It’s a common cliché but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s applicable. Many of my earlier posts contained elements of how I wished to get away from doing what society does and rather walking the unbeaten path in the hopes of discovering something new. I admit that, quite often, I reached the same solutions that society did but I don’t regret my decisions because it’s the journey that makes me different. I feel that by learning things for myself and by questioning everything, I could prove or disprove it to myself. I also got a better understanding of why things are the way they currently are. I may have reinvented the wheel but at least I know which things to believe in and which ones to accept for the moment. I digress…

I guess it would be easy for me to say that a sign of a bad counsellor or psychiatrist would be the average period of time a patient has been their client. If they have several long-time recurring patients, then it would be safe to say that they haven’t done anything worthwhile. Yet, that trivialises their work. I understand how fragile the human mind is and how it often requires time to really get to the root of the problem. I still digress…

I did have a point in the last two paragraphs though. I wanted to state that I do feel I’m capable of helping people out and I wanted to backup my reasoning for the quote.

I love helping people out. I love knowing how much trust they place in me and how they value their friendship with me. They come to me knowing that they can confide in me and believe that they will come away with a better sense of direction.

So to finally get back to the point… I may like to help people but I don’t want them to become dependent on me for all of their problems. I want them to learn how to help themselves and tackle their own problems. Sooner or later, I will not be around to help them and that’s when they’ll need to think back on their conversations with me and think everything through so that they can help themselves.

That’s what I do now in my conversations when I’m helping people. I try to guide them to reach the same solution I have in my mind. It helps them understand how to approach a problem and how to break it down into manageable parts. I also realised something when I adopted this new technique. Every so often, I’d have a solution in mind which would end up being changed because I learnt something new when I walked through the problem with the person. I realised that I could never hope to know more about the situation than that person and therefore, it was better for me to facilitate their thinking process rather than give them a solution. They would be able to come up with a solution which covers all bases or which provides an acceptable level of risk.

It’s something that has been preached to me over and over in the consulting business. The biggest mistake a consultant could make is to give the client the solution. Consider it a cardinal sin.

I recently read the opening pieces of someone’s retort to the Confucius quote I mentioned above. I can’t remember the exact words but to paraphrase “How can you teach someone a lesson when their stomach is rumbling and hence, their mind is preoccupied?”. I found that to be an interesting point. It’s an age old question that’s morphed to address the famous adage. Do you grit your teeth and slug it out for a bit longer in the hopes of a better reward or do you go for the instant reward which might not yield as much satisfaction? Sometimes, desperation votes for the latter. Circumstance can side with desperation. It’s entirely possible that without immediate gratification, there will be no chance of a future reward.

I can’t dismiss this point. It’s very valid and I can think scenarios which invoke this thought process. I can only say that when the time comes, you will make a decision. When you do, stick by it and if it gives you what you hoped for, then don’t regret it or wonder what would have happened if you had taken the alternate path. Refer to my previous post on why I’m against that.

One important aspect of the counselling I provide is the manner in which I speak. Most of the time, the people who approach me are looking for confirmation that they’re on the right track or that they aren’t the ones to blame. Rather than posing something as a question, I find that by simply saying it as a supportive statement helps their self-esteem. Even if I’m wrong, they can correct me but what really matters is that by using a statement, they believe that I’m on their side and that I believe they’re right. It gives them the confidence they need to get past their problem whether it’s accepting a bad outcome or tackling a current issue.

I still get people coming up to me asking me for help. I have people telling me that they don’t know where they’d be without me or wondering why I put up with them when all they seem to do is burden the friendship. It’s nice to know that there are people out there who appreciate everything I’ve done. I’ve mentioned this a long time before and I’ll mention it again. It’s the people I don’t manage to help which really gets to me.

I’ve pasted this before…

In Scrubs, J.D. told Dr. Cox, “I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after twenty years of being a doctor... when things go badly you still take it this hard.”

I’ll always take it hard. I hope I always take it hard. Not being able to help someone is my biggest fear. But I’ll always remain confident and I’ll always be a counsellor to everyone who needs me. I’d like to believe that I’m charismatic too.

Choice & Consequence

2007-11-04T03:55:00.000-05:00

Why is it so hard for me to accept that there’s more to life than just going through the motions while always looking out for yourself foremost?

I have so much trouble thinking that I’m just supposed to shut up and sit down… that I should be like everyone else in this world. It’s not like I have this ambitious drive in me to be the most famous person in the world but as I’ve often said, I want to be known as someone who made a positive difference.

On the other hand, I’m not that passive that I’ll sit back, follow all the rules and just live for myself. There are so many issues in the world where someone needs to step up and take charge. Yet, I don’t find myself stepping up. I guess I’m wishing for something nobler. As if I’m going for all or nothing.

I don’t have a death wish but I shudder to think that someday, I’ll die a normal death lying on a bed somewhere because old age has taken its toll on me. Yes, it’s possible that by then, I’ve lived a full life and managed to come out unscathed till the point where my heart beats its last. I want to live my life knowing that I’m making a difference to people. I don’t want those differences to affect only those in close proximity to me. I want to spend my life knowing that, if nothing else, I helped people I didn’t even know. People who will never hear about me or know of me but still benefit in some way.

I have all the respect in the world for those in the military. Some may have more psychotic reasons and I suppose that’s a good thing since you’re trained to be on a battlefield killing other humans. Yet, the honour lies in the fact that you’re out there protecting not just your family and friends but everyone else in your country. You are out there fighting for people you don’t even know, people who don’t know you. People who might not even care. But that’s not what matters. You are willing to give up your own life just so others may live theirs.

Yet, sometimes, you have to wonder just how good a decision that is. Thieves, crooks, con artists, rapists, gluts, misers, lawyers and politicians are part of the group being saved. I guess that’s why I’m not in the military. I don’t think some people deserve to be saved. It’s not my decision to make, though. I could spend hours arguing over what’s right or wrong and how it’s subjective. I don’t believe that one’s values and opinions should be forced upon another. I’m not justifying robbery, murder, etc. but I guess up to a certain point, it’s better to let people live their lives the way they choose. Then there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Where that line is drawn is a subjective decision.

The thing about these military personnel is that they believe that everyone deserves to be saved. That no one should be left behind. They go to extraordinary lengths to make sure that when it comes down to it, they will defend the country with no second thoughts. They will protect it no matter what state it’s in.

We’re on this planet with more than six billion people. Is life really all about living out your life trying to keep yourself happy? I don’t think you can make everyone else happy but you should sure as well try. Hell, I know there are some people out there who hate my guts. I’m sorry for that. I really am. They have every right to hate me and I wish things were different but they aren’t. I wish I could make things better but I don’t know how. It’s something that I’ll just have to hold in my heart and hope I don’t repeat.

Coming back to my original point, you have to try and help others. Fine, look out for yourself, do what you want, but occasionally, think about someone else. Is it as simple as holding the door open that extra second so the lady with the cart can pass through? Or perhaps as easy as being the person someone relies on for wakeup calls or reminders?

There are obviously more actions that one could go after but lets at least go for the easy ones for now. I think we’ve all had choices to make about who we’ll help and till what lengths we’ll go. I guess I’m around average in terms of being a good humanitarian. I just wish I was more. I wish I knew that when the situation calls for it, I’ll be the one people turn to for leadership, for help, for friendship.

Ultimately, when my life ends, I want to believe that I was somebody. I want to believe that I wasn’t just any one person in over six billion but that I was some person in over six billion.

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do” - Edward Everett Hale

Wouldn’t it be nice to know that when you die, it’ll bring people closer together? People will remember you, they’ll cherish the memories they share with you. They’ll talk about how you made a difference in their lives. Laugh over their fondest memory of you. Laughter… It’s my primary purpose in life. I want people to miss me because I made them laugh. That for the briefest of moments, I took their problems, made them mine yet still cracked a joke. I want the weight of the world on me. I want more people to come to me when they need help. It’s not about interfering in other peoples’ lives nor is it about knowing intimate details. It’s about letting people know there’s always a bright spot in their lives. Whether or not I can help them with their problems, they should believe that there is some point of talking to me.

I’ve been there for so many people when they needed someone to talk to. I’ve made sure that when someone needed me, I was available for them 24/7. I just didn’t want to let them down. I couldn’t bear the thought that when someone turned to me for help, I shut them out. Yet, I’ve done that in the past. I’ve done it to the people I’ve cared about. I’ve done it to the girl I care about. She means the world to me and it saddens me to think that I’ve upset her before. It kills me to know that I’ve hurt her so deeply several times. Yet, when I did all those mean things, I didn’t seem to show a morsel of remorse. Yet another burden that I will be carrying with me. I spend all my time now trying to keep her happy and it pleases me that it just feels natural doing anything for her. At the same time, I find it amusing how I’ll forever have to admit that she’s just so much better at meeting my needs.

And it’s upon her request that this post’s topic came up. I told her to recommend a subject and she went with “Choice”.

I don’t even want to get in to all of the bad choices I’ve made. All the bad decisions. Each choice comes with its own set of consequences. A whole new parallel dimension of opportunities. I regret them… I regret them all. I wish I could undo some of them. I wish I could make up for others. Yet, nothing will change who I am and what I feel is right or wrong. I’m happy with the person I am. Maybe I try too hard to be a martyr by making it sound like I have no choice but to bear the burdens of my history. In reality, I cherish all of my mistakes. They’ve taught me, they’ve punished me, they’ve hurt me.

We always have a choice. We claim to be forced into things but in reality, it’s in the interest of self-preservation that we dismiss other choices. I’m sure several of us would prefer not to be working. It’s entirely possible that we could eke out a living somehow. Yet, we’ll go to work day in, day out because we believe that we have no other choice if we want to survive.

I don’t go to work because I want the money. I don’t go to work because I want to be the top dog at the company. I go to work so I can feel like I’m contributing. Working in a large company, you don’t get that feeling. Unless you’re in a senior position, you feel insignificant. I made a choice. I decided to go with a smaller company so I didn’t feel as if I was just a pebble on the road. I chose consulting because I didn’t want to do just any job. I wanted to do something dynamic. I wanted to work where what I said made a difference to people. Where whole companies would make their decisions based on what I came up with.

Let’s assume that there’s no such thing as an irrational choice. Every choice taken is justified at the time of action. Yes, you hacked that man to pieces but at the time, you felt it was the right thing to do. In retrospect, it could be called a decision made on the spur of the moment or an irrational decision.

Let’s assume that no one will ever make a decision which does more harm than good, either to themselves or to someone else. An evil person will do what it takes to get what they want; a hero will do what it takes to get you what you want. I’d say an irrational decision is one where you do something which causes more harm than good. So, you can’t really classify what sort of choice it was until the consequences are known.

A cricketer keeps missing the ball. He lashes out at the next ball. If he hits it over the boundary, he’ll be applauded. If he gets out, the blame will be on frustration or on an irrational shot selection.

So, there is no such thing as an irrational decision. There’ll be someone out there who doesn’t approve but to someone, the decision made sense. Whether it was right or wrong, that’s a debate I’ll choose not to attend.

Now we should look at the motivation behind the decision. Was it for personal gain or was it for someone else’s good? Is it possible that you can achieve both at the same time? Could your happiness in life really be geared in such a way? I think that would be great. My biggest joy in life is making others smile. I genuinely feel happy when I see someone else is happy.

If you’re only interested in personal gains, your decisions could be detrimental to someone else. You didn’t hold the door open so the lady with the cart struggled to get through. She ended up being late to a crucial meeting and lost her job. Insignificant actions leading to dire circumstances. A butterfly effect. You can’t predict what will happen but if you believe that just a simple “thanks” as she passes while you hold the door open is sufficient, then things will begin to improve.

It’s easy to be happy in this world. There’s always a lot out there that suits us or meets our needs. We just need to realise what we have and take pleasure in their experiences. When I think about my Missus, it often seems as if the world is always against her. So many things may go wrong, but I’m proud of her for never slowing down. It’s easy to whine and complain. Everyone does it. Yet, rather than sit down and give up because Murphy’s Law seemingly controls her fate, she’s back on track. Much faster than anyone would expect. Usually, I haven’t even grasped the extent of the problem before she’s working around the problem.

Perhaps we should stop worrying about what sort of choices we’re making. I’d say that more than 80% of the people who come seeking my advice are being indecisive. They need a little push. They are worried not about their choices but about the consequences. “What if she rejects me?”, “What if that doesn’t work?” or “What if people will think less of me?” What they are looking for is someone to support their instincts. I’m more than happy to give them my suggestions but I’m just as likely to tell them that they should follow their instincts.

If I can convince just one person who came to talk to me that they should stop and go with what they really want to do, then I’ll be happy. Perhaps it’s not the best idea to always act according to the best case scenario but people should start believing that things will work out. Yes, occasionally, something goes wrong. You suffer, you’re punished or you lose something. Are you really going to let that fear dictate your life?

In many of my talks with the people who came to me, I end up suggesting a course of action and asking them why they haven’t already done it. The number of times the other person has shaken his or her head as if trying to jar the fear loose is astounding. They know it’s what they need to do. They just need to stop worrying about the negative outcomes. Along with the lack of fear comes a sense of confidence. The driving force which makes everything appear possible. I can’t even begin to recount the number of times I’ve felt that confidence has led me to get what I want.

I don’t want to look back and wonder “What if I had done that?” Too many people I know spend their lives in the past wondering what could have been. I guess one thing that I cherish about my Missus is that I spend a lot more time thinking about what could be. I have hopes, I have expectations and I have motivation. I have something I’ll work towards. And for all of my insecurities, my “noble” desires and my childish wants, she supports me.

I don’t want to live my life in the future planning everything. I want to live in the present enjoying everything. So, rather than worry about what’s going to happen, I just believe everything will work out and I take the plunge.

“It’s always easier to apologise than to ask permission.” – Grace Murray Hopper

I’ve found out first hand that sometimes, you can’t be forgiven. That there was never any chance of getting permission but there was no chance of being forgiven either. Sometimes, you don’t even know you need permission from someone but you still get cornered into thinking that you should apologise.

Some would argue that you shouldn’t be doing anything that requires an apology later. I don’t know. I guess I can’t follow the rules that closely. Sometimes, something has to be done. It must be that part of me that doesn’t accept the status quo.

I wish I had more knowledge, more strength and more resolve. I want to do whatever I can to help this world. I just don’t want to spend my entire life working at a company where 80% of the other employees will never know who I am. It’s all about making a difference. I want to know that I’m making a difference. To more people than just my family.

I’m repeating myself. I’m not saying anything of worth. Perhaps I’m out of touch with writing with feeling so no one will understand what I’m talking about. I just wish it was possible for everyone to understand this feeling I have. For everyone to share it too. Perhaps it’ll convince the more active ones to get out there and make a difference.

With life the way it is nowadays, I find myself yearning for a mellow mood. One where I can block out the world and sit back. I want to enjoy a silent night, cool weather, a slow leisurely walk. I want to disconnect from the world for a while because I’ve had enough. There are people who I’ve lost touch with. There are parts of me that I’ve lost touch with.

There are too many things wrong with a rutted life. There are too many things wrong with a life where you plan on blocking everyone out. Close friends, significant others, they all become special. They give you motivation and hope. They make you feel loved. No matter how jaded past friendships and relationships have been, you should give your all in each friendship and in each relationship otherwise you’ll just be depriving yourself.

It’s a choice you have to make. Don’t think you have to make a decision about what sort of life you want to lead. Instead, make a choice about the smaller things in life. These are the things that define your life. As Captain Planet used to say, “The choice is YOURS”. Oh jeez… I can’t believe I’m ending this post with that!

Buddy Or Bust?

2007-05-13T04:57:00.000-04:00

***My Note***

I’ll leave you with another one that I came up with. It might be my last post while I’m away.

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence can break your heart.”

***End Note***

Is it just me or does the world get louder when I’m alone with you? Is it my ears straining to catch the slightest sound that could break this uncomfortable silence? Why is it that your company shares its traits with a thorny rose?

It was never supposed to be this hard. I would sit down with you and expect the hours to fly. Yet, with each passing minute, the expectation becomes deranged. I begin to wish that I be delivered from the agony you put me through. I want to be there with you but you make it so hard on me.

I could close my eyes and pretend you’re not there but that would deprive me of the only assurance that you are truly with me. Without the words to fill the void, my eyes can only plug the dam. Whether I look at you or at the clock, it appears my eyes alone are active for my tongue lays still.

I want to accept that I can’t expect the words to flow unstoppably. But it’s you. How can I accept that I cannot carry a conversation with you? You’re the person who I should be able to sit in front of and prattle on for hours.

Shall I accept the shame of quittance and leave you be? My hiatus away shall be my solace. I want to know that I’m not alone when it comes to us. It feels like I’m always chasing after you desperate for any pittance you can give me – even if it is just awkward silence.

I don’t understand where this shift of power came from. Gone is my world where no such problems existed. You snatched that away from me and left me shrouded in doubt. This is your show now and I have naught more than a minor role.

The solace will save me. I shall preserve the idea of you in my dreams. I’ve clearly stated my intentions previously. Buddy or beau, your happiness is the key. As long as I remain the obstacle, I refuse to bind you to me. With what minute power I have left, I plead to you – let me draw the final curtain and end this charade.

What we have is little more than a wisp of smoke that clouds my judgement. I wish I was still important but that’s untrue. You have your star cast so let me fade away while I still hold the spotlight.

Buddy Or Beau?

2007-04-13T02:49:00.000-04:00

*** My Note ***

Take this how you will and apply it to your life. Some of you out there might have someone you feel strongly about. If not already, take the chance to tell them how you feel.

"The bittersweet tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." - Harriet Beecher Stowe

*** End Note ***

I dream of you every night. Your presence there has become as natural as my own. Since you arrived, my dreams have been better, if not good. I would not change a thing for I feel as if you bring a sense of ease to my dreams. That everything finally feels right and I have what I need.

Someday, I’ll dare to take your hand as we walk so that I can feel your touch in my palm. To feel comforted that you’re right there by my side. To have you tug on my sleeve when you need something and make me feel as if there is something I have to offer you. Someday, I might dare to say that for the briefest of moments, your lips graced mine.

Day in and day out, I will continue in my attempts to never let you feel alone. I shall continue to stand by your side. To smile when you laugh. To give you a shoulder to cry on. To give an ear when you talk. To give a hug when you need the comfort.

Compromise fails to take on meaning when it comes to you. My wishes align with yours and my efforts are for your benefit. For every second that I spend with you is a gift. My only offering… devotion.

Do understand that I value the time we’ve spent together and I do still yearn for your company. So much so that I hate the farewells and I desperately think of ways to see you for just the one extra second. Hoping that maybe finally, I’ll work up the nerve to smile at you, perhaps take your hand and pull you close. I miss you. It’s hard to believe but I miss you. I could meet you all the time but it’s still never enough. You don’t understand what it means to me when I can say that you took the time out to meet me.

I’m always straining my mind to think of something to talk to you about. When I look into your eyes, I always dread to see boredom. I’m always just looking to lock eyes with you so that I can just feel one extra connection with you. It’s sad but true. Humour me and let me feel as if I’m not completely delusional in thinking that perhaps it’s possible a girl like you could stand by me.

Impossible is nothing but the same goes for your feelings for me… Nothing. It is not to be and I will not force it. I will not ask to see if you will be mine. I only ask if you will take what I offer. I cherish your happiness, treasure your smile. I hope your happiness is as eternal as your presence in my thoughts. Call it an infatuation or a schoolboy crush, I don’t mind. Just know that I care and I’m always looking out for you. Whether it’s now or later, I shall always stand on the sidelines and root you on. I will continue to dream about you for it’s the only place where I know you can be mine and I can make you as happy as you deserve to be. Don’t doubt me on that – your happiness is what matters to me and I shall always be the person you need me to be. If that means that I should remain your friend and shelve my feelings, then so be it.

Cruel Clichés

2007-04-08T17:23:00.000-04:00

The theme of this post revolves around three clichés that have been used so often that I don’t even like using them. Yet, if the shoe fits, wear it. Yes, that was the first cliché. I’ll throw in a few metaphors too. And seeing how this post is really all about me, I’m not going to generalise it to other people.

I want to talk about being judgemental. I’ve mentioned it so many times now. I’ve often complained about people who judge others so quickly and yet I never blatantly admitted that I do it too. So, I’m worse than them. I’m judgemental and hypocritical.

Quick quiz to address the flaws associated with being judgemental. Some of you might be familiar with this.

*** Court In Progress ***

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had eight kids already, three of whom were deaf, two blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Question 2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
And by the way: Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

*** I rest my case ***

I haven’t verified the Beethoven question which is something I should know seeing how I took a course on Beethoven. But the point is that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

Yet I still do. Not only do I judge people but I judge situations too. It’s good that I can size up people and situations so quickly but the pitfall to avoid is making it the final verdict. To keep an open-mind and allow other judgements to be made. Or should one avoid making judgements at all? To let things be how they are and not introduce a bias based on the judgement.

Of course, moderation is the key. Yet, the issue that I’m talking about is being close-minded. So often, I’ve caught myself saying “I hate so and so because of these reasons”. It’s bad enough that I form such strong feelings to hate something but more often than not, there have been pros too. I believe the first instance of me realising this was after I had formed a negative opinion of a professor and asked Emperor for confirmation. Instead, he pointed out some positives which made me realise how one-sided I had been. We’re all entitled to our own opinions but I feel that we should wait till we’ve considered the entire picture before forming them. I understand that it’s sometime hard to realise when you’re looking at the complete picture or if there’s more to it.

It’s sad that it took me so long to realise that I had been looking at life from one side… my side. Since then, I’ve tried to look at things from other peoples’ points of views and to see all sides of the stories but it’s still so easy to make a judgement and ignore all else.

So why spend this time complaining about it? Knowing there’s a problem is half the battle. So why am I not out there finishing the war? It’s easy to accept that some things just happen and that there’s no need to get worked up over them. The topic’s only taken priority in my mind recently.

It was only once I lost patience with other people being judgemental that I began to think about this properly. I was ready to criticise them for being judgemental but I realised that I was no different than them.

But honestly, who cares? I can try to be a good person and iron out all the flaws in my personality one by one but it gets me absolutely nothing. I can spend my entire life trying to be the perfect person. It might be difficult enough to see a flaw in intricate art but when the art is as personal as my own life then it’s hard to live with that flaw. Every time that flaw causes me troubles, I want to address it.

But I ask you. Who cares? So some soul thinks you’re a good person for still caring. What’s the benefit? Nice guys finish last and that’s my second main cliché (third in total if you’re keeping count).

Sir Walter Raleigh was said to have lain down his cloak over a muddy puddle so that Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t dirty her feet. What did that leave him with? The queen’s favour, a rumour that’s persisted for over four hundred years and a dry-cleaning bill? Yes, the truth is that he never did such a thing. Look it up.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be nice but I’m saying there’s not much glory in it. Yes, that’s not the goal of being nice but with so many downsides to it, it’s hard not to put niceties on the shelf and just be an ass to everyone. Or perhaps even be an asshole to some.

I can be nice to everyone and make it my defining characteristic. It’s the first thing people note about me but is that worth anything? It opens doors for some to walk all over me. It means that I’ve put aside my own wishes to go that extra yard and make someone happy.

Yes, that’s the motivation I was searching for. Make people happy. That’s the reason why you should be nice. Yet, it goes back to what I mentioned before. As long as everything is fine and dandy (is that a cliché?), no one will complain but no one will acknowledge it either unless specifically asked. Your reward for being nice is having the peace of mind that no one is nagging you to be nice. Yet, you can even be criticised for being too nice. There’s no pleasing the world.

The complexity that rises in reading other people is accounting for their moods. Catch a person on the wrong day and I could get the wrong feedback. I could take the time to notice something that a person usually cares about and yet I get no reaction. And it’s funny how I could realise that it was just bad timing but those split-second moments can change my goals. Perhaps it’s the accumulation of no reaction over a period of time but eventually, I don’t want to take it anymore. What’s the point of being nice and taking an interest in other people when I only get snubbed if it’s the wrong time?

I guess I can now say that I know what others go through when they talk to me. When they mention titbits that they felt would interest me but I just dismiss it with an airy “I don’t care.” You try and others trample your work.

Why should I bother with talking to anyone if it’s not to meet my own end? Keep friends for company when I’m lonely and maintain contacts for networking if I need a job or advice. Forget everything else. Why should I bother making the extra effort of talking to someone or trying to meet them when all I’ll get in return is a time when they can potentially fit me in on standby? Why should I show an interest in someone else when there’s none returned? Just keep friendships as superficial as I can to keep them going but not go beyond that because there just seems to be no return?

I can go the extra mile in being nice to someone because I don’t feel like it takes any effort. I want to be nice to the person. I want to do what it takes to make that person happy. Yet, it just doesn’t feel good when the person doesn’t seem to notice. When the person turns to me and comments on how someone else is so nice and almost perfect in some aspect. Does it ever feel fair when you go beyond yourself but still can’t compete with someone’s natural ability? It’s not jealousy. I’m too self-centred for that. I don’t see it as the other person being better. To me, I’m worse. There are so many things wrong with thinking this way because I should just be happy that there is someone out there doing a better job of being a better person than me. That the world can only benefit from having someone like that person around.

Is it because I’m looking for some sort of acknowledgement from the people I’m being nice to? I don’t think that’s it. I have already rescinded my initial statements of how I don’t care about what other people say. Instead, I altered it to say that I do care about what people say when they are people I care about. When they are people important to me then I’ll listen to everything that they have to say, good or bad.

In reality, I’m just looking for some sort of sign that there’s a benefit to being nice to everyone. You see it in all of the old sitcoms. How a person wishes they were never alive because they don’t feel appreciated or useful. Then some fairy godmother or godfather appears to show them how life would be different without them. Now being a family sitcom, they don’t show you the complete story. It gets edited out. The person really gets depressed, dopes up and hallucinates. How else can you explain the fact that this all-powerful “fairy” doesn’t appear when the person is facing other troubles?

To get back to the point – how would people’s lives change if I’m not as nice to them? Is that even a relevant query? Does that even make a difference? Who cares how their lives would change? If I really wanted to know, I’d stop being nice to them right now without worrying about repercussions.

I make it sound like being nice is such a burden; that each time I’m nice to someone, it’s such an effort. When in reality, it’s ingrained in me to be nice to someone. That I don’t think about it. I’m remembering particular instances but I’m not thinking of specific people. I’m thinking of that group of people who trivialise what’s important and flood your life with meaningless words and actions that are almost an annoyance. Is that too judgemental?

There’s nothing more to add on to that so I’ll move on.

What’s wrong? There’s so much more in friendships. I can think of so many examples which prove my previous paragraphs wrong. Yet, there are still too many examples supporting me. And I’m just tired of it. I keep plugging away and hope to get a hit but when there’s one miss too many, I want to cut my losses and take a hike.

If you want to be a nice person, you have to be willing to set some hard-and-fast limits to live by. You have to be willing to put in a selfless effort to help another. Along the way, that’ll mean losing out on things you want to do. It means giving up other things.

You cannot keep folding and unfolding a piece of paper without it eventually giving out at the creases. Eventually, the dam breaks if you poke enough holes in it. Don’t poke the bear! Eventually, I will look past my limits and I’m not going to come back unless I’m jolted back. How far should you go to get what you want? How far should you go when it all feels right? Oblivious to pain does not mean you’re not hurting. Everything could feel right but look deeper.

So often, I’ve felt that the moment was just right for me to take an action. To go with what I want, what almost feels natural, and take a risk. I was surprised that there wasn’t even any fear associated with the risk. It’s just so tempting to put aside those stupid limits because they don’t even help me! They’re restraining me and if I go with what I want, they won’t last. Yet, when you consider being nice and realising that there’s another party involved, you put aside the desires and you erect the limits again.

That brings me to my third cliché. Be careful what you wish for. I never liked this cliché. Obviously, if you want something then why should you be careful? Of course, it’s all about not thinking things through and not realising that there might be some downsides of getting what you want. Yet, if you really want something then you should be willing to work your way through the negatives that come with your decision. You’ve made your bed so sleep in it. Just make sure you know what to expect when making the decision in case you change your mind.

With so many desires in my life, it has been easy to filter through what I want and what I lust… for the most part. There are some that lie in the grey area between the two sides. These desires change sides depending on the situation. It’s hard to decide whether or not I really want a go at them. Therein lays the problem. If I do nothing and dismiss them as lusts, then they will continue to haunt me. I’ll wonder about what would have happened if I had taken the chance. Nothing would have changed so I’m still at square one. So, that leaves just the one decision to take. Go for it and make it a want. Make it mine. Do what I’ve been yearning to do and hope that it pays off. If not, then give myself a pat on the back for having at least tried. At least the problem has been resolved.

Sometimes, I wish to do something so badly that it feels natural. That there seems to be no reason why I shouldn’t do it and that it’s the right thing to do. Yet, when it involves another person, I always have to think about his / her reaction. Whether or not they’ll approve or whether or not it changes anything. Sometimes, you know that there’s an eventual dead-end even if you succeed but you still want to go ahead. I’m not explaining the context but in my case, it’s irrational! I’m just harbouring a wish that will eventually just cause more troubles.

Recently, it’s become more prominent that there are people out there who choose to confide in me. I’m not sure if it’s because I help them sort through their problems, if I’m just a good listener or neither. Yet, it’s apparent. People have told me that they feel as if they can tell me anything. They’re definitely being honest because they certainly aren’t obliged to tell me anything. It’s not like I confide in them. Although, that’s because I don’t have any problems to talk about.

A while ago, a friend needed my help. I don’t know what it was but I wasn’t sure how to help. I knew what I needed to do but something was stopping me. So I ended up passing my friend off to another. Yet, my friend still ended up next to me later on. I’m still thinking but perhaps it was because it conflicted with another side of me. There are some limits I’ve set on myself and to help, I would have needed to push the limit. There were two temptations to push the limit, one of them being to help my friend and yet I didn’t. I think eventually, my friend did feel better.

So there end my three clichés. As a final comment, I’m just going to say that I could be frustrated with being nice to people but that’s not going to change. Whether it’s now or further down the line, there are benefits to being nice. But more than that, there are benefits to me being me and not putting on a mean façade.

Friendship Under Scrutiny Part II

2007-04-04T01:49:00.000-04:00

You can look back over your life and see ups and downs. Your memories will remind you of the good times and the bad. Yet, when you really think about it, each year is mostly defined by a certain moment. Defined by that one episode that comes to mind when you think about a year.

I remember a lot about my life from 1989 onwards. Yet, I can’t think of that one defining moment because my memories aren’t that vivid. I remember snippets but nothing that really stands out.

I remember back in 1993, I was trying out for the basketball team. I was to score on Artsie who was on defense. Not that I had ever played basketball but I tried and failed. He got on to the team and I didn’t. Years later, I found out he went a long way in playing basketball. I believe that was also the year I played god in a play on “The Golden Touch” put on by Artsie, Midas and myself with a few others. I believe my mother also took a group photo at the end of the year of myself and my classmates. Artsie was late so he wasn’t in it. I never saw that photo.

I remember in 1994, I had my surgery. Enough said.

I remember in 1995 - 1996, I learnt how to sing “Country Roads” by John Denver. It was also my last year at St. Michael’s. I remember leaving after my final exam. I didn’t want to go. It was a change being enforced on me. I was walking out of the school premises and none of my friends seemed to have cared. No goodbyes, no nothing. It never bothered me but it does now. That the people who were supposed to be my greatest friends couldn’t even see me off. Then again, we were only 11 years old.

Who are your real friends? Is it really that simple a question? I’ve always preached that avoiding complexity makes life so much easier to get through.

There are people who understand and accept what you say or believe in you and there are those who ridicule you. You may be trying to put yourself out there and present your take on things so that people can understand who you are. There are those who might not agree with you but accept it. They’ll still support you. Then there are those who destructively criticise you and say you’re immature for thinking in such manners.

“Oftentimes, he’ll play the Devil’s Advocate but others will not understand.” Pushing others to defend themselves brings out sides of them that they might not be aware of. You challenge them and they’ll take on a stronger persona to strengthen their point.

I’m not always the best critic. I might form quick opinions and with my close-mindedness, I’ll shut down what the other person has to offer. I’ll expect everyone to do things the way I do and to accept what I say without question. In essence, I possess all of the qualities of a true dictator. Not necessarily a good thing.

I guess I’m trying to defend the latter type of people defined a few paragraphs ago. Defend them because I can be one of them. But in reality, they don’t do any good. They downplay your beliefs, shatter your confidence. If you’re like me, they get on your nerves. They believe that you’re trying to be someone you’re not and basically, are criticising who you are. They are saying that the personality you currently wield does not suit you. Yet who are they to tell you who you can be?

Over the past few months, I’ve had plenty of things happen to me that gave me a rush. No monotony, always fuelling the fire and opportunities abound. It really helped distinguish the people who were taking an interest because they wanted the best for you from the people who might have shown an interest for the sake of asking.

Perhaps friendships move in cycles – peaking at times and dipping at others. You can be really good friends with someone and find everything working out really well but realise that just a few weeks ago, there was nothing of substance there.

“Do unto others before they do unto to you.” You’ve been snubbed by others so now you want to snub new people before they can do the same to you. It’s the sad truth. You don’t give new people a chance because of what you’ve been through. It takes time to get over being hurt and realising that this new person doesn’t show any indications of being the same.

Who are your real friends? I thought I knew that when I came up with this topic. Yet now, I have no clue. Friends are everywhere. I have brief moments where I feel like a certain person is a real friend yet those moments don’t seem to persist. Perhaps I’m closer than ever to someone yet a gaping and covert void still separates us.

It’s a weird coincidence that when I started this blog, my first post was also on friendships and now on my 100th real post, I’ve come around in a complete circle. Back to where I was back then. Only this time, I’m thinking differently. Still, the title remains the same.

I already have ideas for my next post. I feel that it’ll be bitter and jaded yet that could change.

Unleashed Insight

2007-01-21T03:01:00.000-05:00

So apparently, I have some fans. Not of the site but of how I am as a person. That’s nice to know seeing how not too long ago, I was described as being “Lying, Conniving, Deceitful, Apathetic, Boorish, Hurtful, Manipulative, Sick and Twisted”.

It’s easy to find fault with other things. For most of us, when we experience something that went well, we might have no complaints but we probably won’t sing any praises. However, if anything goes wrong, then the comments fly. It’s as if people only seem to notice when things go wrong. Anything, that went well is to be expected as part of our Status Quo.

When the New Year was being ushered in, I had an idea for what to write about. I figured that in the spirit of things, I’d write about my thoughts on the year that had passed. Yet, days went by and no posts went up. I even tried to write something in the middle but it didn’t have my usual style of writing. Needless to say, I was fairly disappointed with it so I ditched it. Even now, I don’t feel like anything I’m writing is up to scratch.

Not that I don’t have good things to say about 2006. On the contrary, I’d say it was my best year ever. I was able to hang out with my friends a lot more than I usually do. I finally found some sort of balance between my social life and my academic life with no conflicts. I managed to experience so many new things for the first time. 2006 was ushered in with a new experience and it left similarly with a bang. Best of all, I managed to start doing things that really made me happy.

I believe that I might be in the typical stage of “I Am Indestructible”. It’s quite common to find that amongst people my age. I don’t seem to fear anything and I’ll step up to try anything. For the longest time, I felt it was my confidence that made me feel that I could do what I wanted to do. With my life organised, I could start exploring new realms. Compare jumping off liquid water to jumping off solid ground. Until there’s stable ground, it’s not easy to let your attention turn elsewhere. Indeed, I do feel as if I’m exuding confidence. Everything’s going well and with just a couple of pressing matters to attend to, I feel as if life’s going well.

Of course, pride comes before a fall. Or, it’s the calm before a storm. Whatever it might be, I’m not questioning it. A friend of mine told me that he tends to look ahead quite a lot. I told him that although he wasn’t in the wrong, he should be careful not to end up living in the future. As for me, I’d like to think that I’ve set up a good balance. I’ve looked far enough ahead to plan accordingly but I devote the rest of my time to living in the here and now. I’ve been enjoying how things have been going for me recently and that means that I’m not going to worry about whether it’s short-lived or not. I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts and not take it for granted.

The friend I just mentioned above – I’m yet to give him a nickname since I haven’t really mentioned him before. Yet, our conversations often bring up scenarios where we discuss human behaviour. It’s a topic that intrigues me greatly and without his feedback, I probably wouldn’t be able to methodically lay out my perceptions of people. He says that I provide him with great deal of insight (or amusement) and help him understand how people react. So taking that into account along with the fact that he’s a Star Wars fan, I’ll dub him Padawan. Of course, if he dislikes that, I could call him Chewie or Skywalker.

Although I haven’t brought up his conversations so far, I’ll start now since there have been several interesting topics that we’ve covered. For the most part, I’ll just talk about my take on the issue.

An initial one that we started upon was the friendships formed in university. For the most part, we agreed that although we had made plenty of friends during our classes, hardly anyone became the sort of friend that we could talk to beyond anything that could be classified as “small talk”. In his words, “we were always together and didn’t really have anything in common. It felt constraining.” Also, the formation of cliques tends to limit the amount of contact with outsiders.

We both agreed on something: that friendship should not require any effort. I’m forever hearing arguments to the contrary but I’m yet to find any of them even remotely convincing. Most of us aren’t looking for friends so we’re not really putting in any effort to meet new people. Yet, we still end up making new friends. There was no effort put in there. So, why should it be any harder to keep friendships going? If both participants want to remain friends, they’ll find time to talk to each other and resolve any issues without huge spectacles.

With my life passing as it is, I find myself spending less and less time sitting on the computer. Instead, I’m always trying to get out there and either enjoy myself or experience something new. Of course, that’s only if I’m not caught up in my studies. This style of living comes with some negatives. It’s the way of life, it seems; that when you step up the pace, you leave some people behind. I picked up the pace at which I was living my life by trying to get the most out of each day. It didn’t mean that I was always out there living life to the fullest but it meant that I was out there doing whatever made me laugh and kept me happy. I just didn’t care to be sitting at home and finding myself with naught to do.

So as I said, people get left behind. For the most part, I’ve shielded my friends from the change. I plan around them and manage to spend my days with them as leisurely as I used to. Yet, with some other people, it just wasn’t that easy and in the end, contact with them dropped rapidly. No conversation that really goes anywhere.

Another topic that the young Padawan and I talked about was relationships. As is the case with most single guys, the topic does come up quite often. Yet, as far as I could tell, it wasn’t that either of us was pining to be in a relationship but that we weren’t against the idea. He mentioned that he had met a girl but figured that she was out of his league because she was quite pretty.

I don’t like the concept of all these leagues. In the quest to categorise people, we occasionally overlook certain traits. People have dynamic personalities and it’s just too hard to clearly classify someone. So, for each potential personality combination, a new “league” has to be formed. In the end, the chances of finding someone in your league are low. So don’t let leagues deter you. If you fancy a try, go for it. Put aside the fear of rejection. When you’ve mentally pictured being rejected, then you’ve made a large assumption on the behalf of someone who you don’t even know!

What I found interesting was that he described me as being “warmer” than most people. He had no doubts that I had a romantic side but he wondered whether I’d shirk my tendency to humour when taking my romantic side for a walk. My answer to that was that there was no chance. I refuse to give up the chance to get a good chuckle. Eventually, the girl might forgive me (although, girls harbour grudges so she’d never forget) but that one moment where I could have cracked the joke just won’t come back. No girl is worth losing a smile over.

Last year, there was a girl who seemed to show an interest in me. She’s a very nice girl with a naïve and innocent air about her. Yet, what I found severely lacking was a sense of humour. I just had no interest in even considering any other aspect of her personality and see her as a potential girlfriend. Then again, I’m approaching a year since I found myself cleansed of any such attractions. To return to the point… a girl with no sense of humour has absolutely nothing to offer me. If I was to use a weight system, all the other traits together couldn’t offset the fact that she was dull! My apologies for being harsh.

During one moment in a quick repartee between us, I came up with a quote that went over well with him so I’ll put it up here: There’s no “I” in “team” but there is in “dictator”! It’s certainly not infrequent that we end up jousting with our words especially when it comes to greeting each other with a new nickname and validating it. Upon being dubbed Plato by him once, I returned the favour by calling him Aphrodite! He feigned offence at being called a women but I backed that up by stating that I had made him the one thing that all men want. I don’t think that appeased him. I believe I’ve also stated that I wasn’t surprised people had called him Stewie since I could see the semblance when it came to questioning their orientation.

We’ve even spent a few hours going over what a girl wants. Unsurprisingly, most girls don’t know what they want down to the last detail but there are general criteria that they are usually unanimous on. So, with some small-scale sampling, we figured out what girls want in a guy.

Remembering all the different conversations I’ve had with Padawan, I see that he’s one of those few people who can compliment others on their positives. However, he believes that he’s more likely to say something nice behind someone’s back than to their face. Often, he’s mentioned me as a source of perspective and wisdom. It is refreshing meeting people who will compliment someone on just being them rather than waiting for a more lavish display of positivism. Indeed, recently, I’ve found myself in a thankful mood for all the people around me and especially my family.

I believe our final conversation was on me as a person. I was telling him about the moment when I was called all those names that I started off this entry with. He asked simple questions that evoked deep answers. It was a good session for me because I learnt a lot during that time while unloading my thoughts on him. He was able to get sufficient details on any of my statements to portray a complete picture.

Initially, he was surprised to hear about this other side of me. In fact, most people are. Those who interact with me in person, usually have the opinion that I’m mild-mannered, quiet and certainly not prone to getting angry or upset. As Artsie said not too long ago, I have no feelings. Of course, that was an overstatement.

When in an argument, I don’t show any signs of caring or even being interested in the argument. For all intents and purposes, the other people get the impression that I’m mocking them by not getting worked up when in reality, I just find that getting excited doesn’t help my case. Indeed, in most arguments, my main method of debating is not arguing itself but answering the person’s demands on my own terms. When people are angry, their aggression tends to dictate the terms of the conversation. They demand instant resolution of their issues. That doesn’t work with me. I control the pace of the conversation and I’ll even talk off-topic. Now, these aren’t my battle plans or tactics. It’s just how I am. I just don’t like getting worked up in arguments and I don’t respond well to demands or threats. Most of the time, the threats are empty so I tend to call their bluff.

The usual result of these arguments is the other party apologising. It’s not really a resolution of the argument but it ends the issue. Padawan asked me whether I had no fear of antagonising other people and if I welcomed it. I think I do invite it. Somewhere in the course of that discussion, I called myself an agent of Karma, Karma’s Fists if you will. If people do something inanely stupid, I’ll call them on it. Although it does tend to make me come off as being too opinionated (which I do think I am), I believe that if I’m right on some issue, I’ll vocalise it.

Initially, I disliked opening up to people because one thing that I wanted to avoid was sharing something really important to me and having the person say “That’s it?”. Again, this is something that even I do often too. It wasn’t the primary reason for me not opening up. I just didn’t feel like I was holding back on anything. Eventually, I did start to open up, according to others. Of course, people almost always want more than they’re getting. So, it wasn’t good enough and when I shut them out again, then they realised what they had achieved and subsequently lost. Starting off from square one again is hardly desirable.

When all is right for the couples in the world, then where does that leave me? I’m certainly happy seeing all these different relationships flourishing around me especially the ones that have sprung up before my very eyes over the last four years. In fact… it’s an entirely different topic but it certainly doesn’t feel like I’m nearing the end of my four years here at university. Time has flown too fast - too fast for me to have enjoyed it properly. I’m not going to get those days back. I definitely know that I’ve lived life properly in that time but I could have lived it better had I planned properly. However, I can’t get those years back. It’s the sad truth.

What gets to me is seeing all these famous people who are younger than me. Now, it’s not that I’m jealous. I admire them for having become well-known and successful so early in their lives. I only wish that I could have done the same. My ultimate goal is to be famous too. Being rich or so doesn’t matter. I don’t need fame. I’d just like to be the guy that everyone knows. I suppose it could be considered an insecurity of mine wishing that people knew me so that I felt as if I fitted in with them. I don’t know the real reason. Fact of the matter is that although celebrities and athletes may be younger than me, it’s not their sort of fame that I’m looking for. I’m looking for the sort of fame that would come from helping people out or having done something noteworthy. So, occasionally, I do feel like I might have missed out on something that prevented me from gaining this sort of success. I would like to be able to walk down the street and have people recognise me. Not be in awe of me or anything because I’m just looking to be the guy that everyone knows.

It used to be a childhood goal of mine. Something that I thought I’d grow out of. Yet, I’m still hoping that I can have a positive impact on the world somehow. I seem to recall having talked about this before. Mentioning that a friend had said it’s not wrong to live our lives looking out for ourselves. Yet, if I can get even one country to make my name a household utterance, then I’ll feel content enough to know I made a difference. Perhaps it’s just a pinch of nobility still left in me from my upbringing that corruption is yet to touch. Perhaps it’s just my vanity.

To go back to relationships, I’m still hit by the occasional desire to find someone. Yet, other than those feelings, there’s no backing to go ahead. Yes, some people can argue that those feelings are enough to outweigh everything else but not for me. Plus, the keyword is occasional. It’s truly fickle if I’m just with someone to satiate those infrequent wishes for company. Relationships are reputed to require a lot of work. Work that I’d tend to pass over in the pursuit of new experiences. Although I’d like to be able to share those experiences with someone or spend some leisure time sitting around with someone in parks or roaming malls, I think these are only attempts to stave off the occasional bouts of loneliness. There doesn’t seem to be any wish to show commitment but perhaps just a selfish drive to show that there’s a softer side of me.

Reading that, it certainly sounds like I want to be in a relationship and that I don’t want to be alone anymore. And perhaps I’m even making up excuses for what I know will be a deficiency in finding a nice girl for myself. Yet, I strongly believe that I don’t need that. I have my friends to give me all the company I need.

My Sociology course showed a couple of films on how gender roles are defined by the general public. Men should be tough, independent, strong, etc. etc. The film went on to talk about how men should really be. Yes, for many people, the male is the source of strength and a stable comfort. Yet, men should be fine with showing emotions and letting people see a tender side of them. I’m all for that. I think the film ignored the advantages of men playing out their current roles and tended to focus only on the negatives of it but it certainly supported my own opinion that men shouldn’t be over-masculine. Despite what we were told at the start of the course, I’ve found Sociology to be unequivocally biased. There are no attempts to rationalise either side of an issue. The course takes a side and it provides a one-sided story.

Back in my second year, I met a friend who eventually confided in me that she had found me to be a strong comfort after having faced so many issues. She said that with so many things going wrong for her, I helped somehow. Sadly, by the end of the year, I lost all contact with her. It has picked at me since then because I just feel like things fell apart and I can see all the instances where I’m to blame. Since I’ve been here, I’ve helped out so many people in their times of needs and I have no regrets about any of that. It’s the ones I haven’t been able to help or the ones who I’ve let down that get to me.

In Scrubs, J.D. told Dr. Cox, “I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after twenty years of being a doctor... when things go badly you still take it this hard.”

My version: I guess after all this time, I still need a superhero that will help me out of any situation I’m in. I need that. But that’s my problem and I’ll deal with that. I’ve needed a superhero for the longest time. Excluding my family, I can’t say I’ve found someone who I could say would be there for me whenever I fall. I want to make sure that I’m always able to pick myself up and because of that, I want to keep myself strong and deal with any issues on my own.

After twenty years, when things go bad, I still take it this hard. When I can’t help someone out, it’s my shortcoming. Yes, it’s selfish of me to make it about myself when someone else is in trouble but when people come to me for help, I want to make sure that they get what they need. Failure has always been an issue for me and when it comes to the happiness of others, it gets to me if I can’t do anything. I just don’t like to give up on anything even if it’s not my problem. I could psychoanalyse myself and say that perhaps my fear of not being able to help others translates to my not being able to help myself in some similar situation. I could even say that my fears extend to not having a safety net to help me when I have my problems. Yet, I don’t believe that. I just want to help people.

My goal in life is to gain distinction in life so that people know who I am. I’ll just need to find out what makes me different from every other individual in the world in such a way that people are willing to give me more of their time.

Emperor asked why I now require other people to legitimate my value when I used to talk about living my life on my terms.

In groups of friends, there is usually a focus point – someone who is the life of the group. I couldn’t claim to be that someone. I did at one point consider myself to be the liaison of the group. The sort of person that any subgroup would accept as one of their own. Potentially the backbone or binding force for the group. Yet, this system of assigning roles to the group is irrelevant since what matters is that we all get along really well with each other regardless of my presence.

When it comes to validating my worth, my self-evaluation is obviously flawed. Yet, why even try to figure out my value? Like Emperor said – “Do what you want to do, and everything will be fine.” He’s right, of course. For so long, Emperor had been the hero I mentioned above. He might not be fully at ease with that comment but as I’ve mentioned before, he’s the benchmark to what I compare myself to. His extensive company over the last few years has been more than anyone else’s for as long as I can remember. His importance to me as a friend ranks highly and it’s not just because I’ve spent so much time with him but because I’ve been able to spend so much time with him.

I don’t spend my life planning for everything and working with a clear idea of what I want. Certainly, I don’t know how I’d react to all different scenarios or even what I truly want. When something comes to my mind, I write it out without wondering about how I might be contradicting the image that I put out.

Simple truth of the matter is that when people are important to me, their opinions matter to me. Whether or not my actions change based on those opinions is a different thing altogether. I’m always going to listen to my closest friends and family when they comment on my life. I’d want to know whether or not they approve of what I do or not because I want to know if I have their support.

When I talk about my grand plans of making a difference in the world, I know that I can’t do that if people don’t support me. My actions have to account for what they want. My personal life is still mine to rule as I wish but if I want to help others, then I need to listen to them. I guess I could say that my goals have aligned with theirs with respect to this topic. And yes, I consider myself different from the rest of society so they remain “them”.

It’s so easy to come up with reasons to defend yourself yet it’s so hard to find the right one. There are just so many fabricated excuses that loom up. I have no idea why I subconsciously generate a shadow around my true intentions. I have nothing to hide because I’m not on trial. I’m sharing my thoughts with people and their feedback (relevant ones, that is) is insightful. Usually, these fake excuses are peppered with noble traits and characteristics. Something to make me look good in their eyes. Yet, that defeats the purpose of my blog so the truth does prevail. When I started this blog, I had written a short blurb saying “I’m not writing all this to make friends. If you have a problem with my words, then come find me.” That still holds.

So, I think that’s all I had for now. I know there were a couple more topics but they aren’t coming to mind so I’ll forego them for now. Besides, I’ve rambled on for quite enough time now. So, with my farewell, I’d just like to thank you for reading my blog. Perhaps it’s not on the grand scale that I’d like it to be but I can always optimistically hope that I write something people find influential and insightful. Or that my word spreads and catches the attention of more people.

City Hall

2006-12-15T03:23:00.000-05:00

It looks impressive to me!

The Pursuit Of Happiness

2006-12-14T04:04:00.000-05:00

Nah, this isn’t about the Will Smith movie (opening in theatres soon!). It’s about our pursuits of happiness. This is a fairly difficult topic to broach because of the complexity and variety of ways that we define happiness. As is often heard, “It’s all relative”.

For most of us, happiness is a subjective non-measurable metric through which we evaluate the status of our lives. If we’re happy, our lives are going well. If we’re not happy, then something’s wrong. Most of us live in the pursuit of happiness. We define our current state of lives as “content” or “bearable” and point out umpteen changes that would lead to our happiness.

It’s hard being a happy person in our current world. You often face obstacles and you often get kicked down. Each time, you become more cynical and more critical. Hope becomes a word and you begin to doubt yourself. It becomes pretty easy to lose sight of your goal or to give up on it completely.

Yet, I’ll make a bold statement and say that most of our targets in life are trivial. Goals can come and go but once you start to lose hope and begin to doubt yourself, that’s when things start going bad. Unfortunately, I can’t find the right quote but it went along the lines of “You don’t lose when you fail. You lose when you quit!”.

***Warning!!! Nerd Talk To Follow***

A friend of mine in a new relationship is worried that being her boyfriend’s first girlfriend, he won’t know what it’s like to love her and might end up misinterpreting his feelings. I don’t know if there’s any truth behind her logic, but let’s apply it to our Pursuit of Happiness. How will we know that we’re finally “happy”? What defines happiness? What was the final change that made you say “I’m no longer content! I’m happy!”? And how do you know there’s another change that would make you say “NOW I’m happy. I was wrong to think I was happy before!”?

This entire theory is flawed. First of all, you’re not happy at the flip of a switch. There are varying degrees of happiness. You could be happy in situation A but even happier in situation B. It’s up to you to decide how much happiness you’ll gain from putting in the effort of changing your situation. To be scientific about this, you could perform a cost-benefit analysis. By evaluating the difference in happiness points and the duration of the additional happiness, you could decide whether it’s worth the energy.

***End***

Enough nerd-speak. Let’s break this down. The last paragraph really had nothing to do with anything I wanted to say except for the main point. “There are varying degrees of happiness”. As Sociology keeps trying to hammer home, people need to avoid “Binary Thinking”. Not all things can be classified as black or white, good or bad, etc. That’s a concept that I can agree with but for the sake or arguing (perish the thought that I admit I’m wrong), those classifications mainly arise when you complicate matters. If you can keep things simple (yes, my dreaded “Simplify” Theory), then it’s easier (not always) to evaluate things.

So, let’s define happiness again. I can’t speak for everyone here so I’ll use myself as the muse.

As your muse, I’ll start off by stating that I do not know what happiness is other than a feeling. Do I think I’m happy or do I feel that I’m merely content? I believe I’m happy! Yet, how did I arrive at this conclusion? If I look back over the past four months, do I see moments that would have deterred my happiness or contributed to it? Yes, I do. I see examples of both. Yet, here I am, declaring that I’m happy. Can I think of anything that I’d change over the past four months? Not really, no.

So far, I’ve been looking at my life as it is. Based on the current state of my life, I can conclude that I’m happy. As most of you know, I don’t like to deal with “What If?”s. So, maybe that contributes to my happiness. I don’t spend my time wondering about what I would do if I had better grades or if I had more money or if my entire family always got what they wanted.

I’ve been using an analogy of closed doors quite often, as of late. To place it in context, imagine yourself traversing a rectangular shaped box that has been divided into several rooms arranged linearly. This is your life. You’re going from one end to the other with no backtracking. Each time you pass a room, you MUST close the door behind you. I’m not saying this is how I live my life but let me apply it to my life. I tend to remain focused on what’s at hand and where I’m going. That is, I’m always dealing with what is in the room with me and with opening the next door. Each time I’m done with a room, I go through and I close the door. There’s no looking back. More rules are coming to mind to make this game more applicable to what I’m trying to say but I’ll forego them for the sake of simplicity.

Consider this with a person who keeps turning back to the past. Keeps opening the last door to reflect on how things were left in the last room. This person is spending their energy and time on looking at what lies behind them.

I realise the flaws. My style would mean I reach the end quickly… what then? I choke and die? But forget that. The main question is… is there anything wrong with reflecting on the past? No! Because you can learn from it and you can remember all the fond memories. Yet, once you start spending your time on the negatives. Wishing that you could change them – that’s when you’re falling into a pit. These are the “What if?s”.

I digress. Having said all that, what if I could change things in my life? I don’t know what I’d change. There are so many things that come to mind. Yet, I’ve made my peace with them. So my answer would be that I’d change nothing! And that’s why I can claim I’m happy! When both my “As Is” and my “What If?” lives are the same, then it’s supporting evidence of my happiness.

I’m well aware that there are scenarios out there that I’m not considering. As “Bundar” kept trying to convince me yesterday, I was potentially depriving myself of additional happiness based on a decision I had made. Yet, if we work on the concept of degrees of happiness, then I could spend my entire life making decisions that I believe would make me happier and then potentially ruing missed opportunities or wrong decisions.

Although I could have made this point immediately, it would have ended up an extremely short blog. The problem is not that we pursue happiness. The problem is that we don’t accept happiness. We’re almost always looking for that little bit more. We don’t want to settle. Call it greed or call it high standards. We need to realise that what we have is more than what most people in the world have. We need to realise that spending our entire lives going for that extra few points is not what is going to make us happy. In the end, it’s being satisfied with what you have.

“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” - Guillaume Apollinaire

Stupidity!

2006-12-10T16:32:00.001-05:00

I was talking to “Punchoo” a couple of weeks ago and although it was unfortunate that we only managed to talk for a few minutes, she said something along the lines of “To me, you’ll always be the guy who walked through the school corridors wearing a box on your head”. I had completely forgotten about that! That thought just came back to me and it made me wonder what other stupid things I may have done. I’m having trouble with all of the ones that had some hilarity to them. I figured I’d list whatever came to mind at the moment for future reference.

Roamed school corridors wearing a box on my head

Placed a yellow panda-mouse umbrella on my Student Life Coordinator’s chair and pretended to talk to it while he stood behind me

Played catch with a sharp-edged piece of plastic. Still got the scar from that one

Took a few jumps sitting on the frame bar of a cycle. Explains my voice

Gave my Calculus professor a standing ovation as he entered the class

Woken up really early to give wake-up calls and then gone back to sleep

Woken up really early to help someone out and gone back to sleep upon return

Shoulder-tackled a car door for two minutes hoping to break it off

Fought over steaming fish fingers. Still got the scar from that one

Allowed the auto recoil from a vacuum cleaner’s power cable to deflect off my leg. Still got the scar from that one

Punched a wall

Dove through a fountain of water in sub-zero temperatures and then went to eat a shawerma

Placed a whoopee-cushion on my English teacher’s chair

Sampled evil concoctions made from mixing all leftover food on a table

Jabbed a pin into my brother after watching Tom & Jerry

Told some of the lamest jokes in the history of mankind! “You won’t be walking to school on Saturday!”

Filled a box of cigarettes with water to prevent anyone from smoking them. Actually, that was smart!

Played tag with an excited Alsatian. Loudest scream of fear ever!

Cheered for the opposing team in a bar full of rabid fans!

Smashed my G-Shock into a wall to test its durability. Display’s gone but the watch still works! Alarm still beeps at 12:15 PM daily – even 6 years later!

Tried to convince (successfully) a British air stewardess that my English accent was genuine

There are still so many things left to do! The one that’s foremost on my mind is to wear a balaclava, carefully carry a box in front of security, accidentally drop it and dive for cover screaming “Oh crud! It’s going to blow!” or try to run out of the building and crash into the door pretending to be knocked out. I just need to find my partners in crime!

Eternal Slumber

2006-12-07T02:32:00.000-05:00

I only have 20 odd minutes before I have to go to bed but I figured that I’ll quickly write something. Every time my blog has come to mind over the past year or so, the more I’ve realised that it holds very little value to me and that I have little motivation to continue it. However, it is my only source of literary creativity until I can return to writing my story.

When it comes to deciding on the future of my blog, I think about shutting it down. Then I wonder about just leaving it up but not updating it. And if all else fails, I could always do the damned and make it into an amateur photo blog.

Sleep has been an issue wandering through my mind these days. I’ve often talked about my sleeping habits but they appear to have changed slightly. I’m still a very light sleeper and I still need very little sleep but I’ve noticed recently how my sleeping habits have changed to reflect my attitude towards sleep… i.e. it’s a waste of time!

Given my day-to-day schedules, I can get however many hours of sleep as I wish. Since the recommendations are for 8 hours 15 minutes, I aim for that. Yet, I find myself waking up after 6 hours and every half hour from that point on. The first thought that always goes through my mind as soon as I wake up, is to check the time. A quick glance and I’ve instantly calculated how much longer before I’ve completed the recommended hours or before I absolutely must get up. When I was in high-school, I loved the feeling of waking up in an air-conditioned room, all snug and cosy under my blanket and then realising I still had more time to sleep. Now, as soon as I wake up, I’m thinking that I could get out of bed immediately but should make my body rest some more.

I think it would be interesting to spend a few days of my vacation operating on my own internal clock. To ignore what the clocks say and just sleep when I’m dead tired. Then wake up when I’m refreshed regardless of how many hours I’ve slept. If my body accepts that routine, then I’ll appreciate having the extra hours of the day available to me.

There were times when I used to lie down in to bed, absolutely exhausted. Knowing that I could finally rest was such a lovely feeling! Snuggling in to bed and feeling my entire body relax and go loose. Shortly after, I’d be fast asleep. Now, I don’t feel that tiredness anymore. No matter how many hours I’ve been awake, I still feel wide awake when I lie down to go to sleep. I have to make myself lie down to sleep otherwise it feels like I could keep going. I have to force my body to relax and even then, I’m calculating the time that I could wake up and the time by which I should be up.

It’s a good thing, one would think. Not having to feel tired anymore. I agree – not being tired means I can kick the Energiser bunny’s butt! Yet, that feeling was nice. To take a deep breath and enjoy knowing that the day is over and all’s done! I wouldn’t give up this endless energy for a pleasant feeling.

Anyhow, my 20 minutes are up.

This Is My Life!

2006-11-12T01:45:00.000-05:00

A point that came to mind a while ago finally came back to me. Hostility and its origins.

During the summer, I was always enjoying myself and as far as I can tell, I was nice to everyone. When summer ended and classes started, I noticed that there were periods where I felt hostile or ready to snap at people for things which I’m generally patient with.

The only difference that I could see between being the “patient and kind” stage and the “impatient and hostile” stage was that classes had started. Perhaps I do feel stress. Obviously, I can’t say that I don’t feel pressured at all. Everyone feels stress to some degree. Until now, whether it had any noticeable impact on me was the question. This year was the first time I noticed the change and although it could have been anything, starting classes was the only change that I really noticed.

A few nights ago, I was enjoying a late night glass of water. I stood next to the window and watched the road for a few minutes. It’s a really serene sight. I’ve already talked about my love for the night and it came back to me in that moment. The darkness had a special air about it that night because it had rained all day. Watching the roads lit up in a golden hue from the streetlamps above made me realise the solitude that night affords me. Going for a drive seemed very tempting. It would have been a wonderful way to spend it with good company. Of course, I don’t have a car and besides, my friends would have called me nuts for asking them to go out for a drive at 4 A.M. A nice casual drive with the windows rolled down letting the crisp, cool air refresh your senses. That’s my idea of peace in the city.

For the past few months, I had been spending too much time watching the television. Shows were popping up everywhere and upon recommendations of others, I picked up a few more. I watched them for weeks before realising that I wasn’t really in to the shows. If I can’t get in to the story of the show, I have no interest in watching it any further. This doesn’t hold true for comedies because the humour is always welcome. So, I’m cutting the number of television shows I watch. I always did say television was a waste of time.

So, what will I do if I’m not watching the television? Well, there are multiple things. I’ve finally got my hands on a couple of books. I can read them to satiate my reading appetite. I can be productive and learn some software tools – Photoshop doesn’t really count although it is interesting. I spent several hours last week teaching myself Java properly. I could continue on that so that I can actually claim to know how to program.

The story I was once writing comes to my mind every so often. I really want to finish it. I lost some motivation because the ending I had thought up for it was supposed to be completely different from the norm. However, the ending of a recent movie had an identical finish. The movie itself was good but I was disappointed that I couldn’t claim my ending was original anymore. Whether it be pride or fact, I think my story looks good and if I could just get another hundred pages on to it, it could be an achievement for me.

What’s the difference between doing all these things and just watching television? Quite simple – interaction! When I’m watching TV shows or movies, I’m not doing anything at all. It’s not really stimulating. I’ve always preferred being able to get involved. I guess that’s why computer games appeal to me. It’s as if I’m watching a story but I’m helping it progress. Writing my own story means that I get to exercise my creative side. Learning a programming language means I’m teaching myself something. Not to mention that it’s a valuable asset to mention on a résumé.

A couple of nights ago, I realised that I was very fortunate to have the opportunities to experience so many different things. I’ve gone skydiving, dune-buggying and go-karting. I’ve taken fencing. I’m learning Salsa. I’ll be taking tennis lessons next semester. Heck, I’ve even gone for karaoke. This past Friday, I joined “Emperor” in a Russian Martial Arts training class. Afterwards, I tried swordfish steak. I’ve been run over by a car and I’ve even managed to damage a car by running into it (for charity, of course). I have the use of my arms and legs, ten fingers and ten toes. That means that I don’t need to worry about there being something I can’t do. If I try enough, I’ll be able to do it. I can play whatever sport I want, I can learn musical instruments or I can sit here and listen to music while typing this out. There are so many things out there in the world to experience and being able to get up and try out something new holds so much potential.

I mentioned this to “Emperor” a few weeks ago. When I watch martial artists who can do impressive feats with their body such as flips, aerial somersaults and leaps, I can’t help but wonder that in the goal to enhance my mental capacity, I’ve ignored the opportunity to enhance my physical capacity. I can’t run up a wall and flip off in a somersault. I can’t leap up, do a 360 twirl with my body horizontal to the floor and still land on my feet. Perhaps if I try enough, I could.

The question would be… why? Why would I want to be able to twirl my body like that? It’s not like I’ll be able to use that to finish a project due shortly. All the requirements placed on us these days stem for activities that require mental effort and translating knowledge and wisdom to produce some favourable effect.

The answer would be… because I can. Just because I won’t always be able to pick up a foil and fence with it does not mean that I shouldn’t even bother. Why not expand your horizons and learn something new? There are so many benefits to enhancing your physical capacity, the least of which are health and discipline.

“Time spent wishing is time wasted.” said the Janitor from Scrubs. I do waste time wishing for things. Afterall, I’m only human (We are not “Only Human” but that’s a topic for another day). Yet, I’d like to think that I don’t actually sit down and do nothing while wishing for something. I don’t think most of us do that. Generally, we do it when we’re working on something. It distracts us to some extent, however little.

My favourite song comes to mind: Our Lady Peace – Not Enough. It’s never enough! There was a time when high school was the only requirement before moving on to jobs. Then, to get a good job, you needed to do university. While I was growing up, I knew that without a university degree, I lowered my chances of succeeding. So, the diploma was not enough. It was just a milestone on the way to the real target. Then once you hit university, you realise that you could just eke by with an undergraduate degree but it’s not really enough. You need a Masters degree.

That sort of mentality has been nourished inside of me. I grew up thinking that I could never settle for something and that if something increases my chances of getting a better reward, I should take it regardless of the effort required. It’s why I went to the technical sections in high school and took several external exams. It’s why I only applied to the top universities in the world (even if my funds didn’t agree). It’s why I took engineering. I stuck with engineering because I was too proud to admit that it was potentially out of my reach and also because I didn’t want to accept the fact that there could be things that I can’t do. Almost four years later, I’m still in engineering and I believe that I’ve conquered it to a large extent. I had a shaky start but I’m cruising now.

“If you can do it, so can I.” Some consider it a childish trait. It’s something that I still do. I don’t like to show that I can’t do it and I don’t like to accept that I can’t do it. Occasionally, I even consider it a sign of weakness when I can’t do something. This trait is not necessarily a bad thing. It leads to continuous self-improvement. In a controlled environment, it means that I won’t hold back. If it requires me to give it my all just to do something that others do easily, I will. Until I drop!

However, I came to realise that always gunning for better means that you miss out on what you’ve got. It’s not necessarily greed. It’s not necessarily blind ambition. It could just be not knowing when to stop.

There’s a joke about a woman entering a “House of Men”. The ground floor told her that on each floor, there were single men that she could pick to be hers. The only condition was that she could only go up and not come back down to choose a man. On the first floor, there were men who were rich. Although tempted, she decided to go up a flight of stairs and found to her delight, men who were rich and good looking. Again, she overcame her temptation and went up another level. There she found men who were rich, good looking and great with children. Even though she thought that they were perfect, she wanted to know if she could get something better. So she went up another flight of stairs. There, she found a sign saying “There’s just no pleasing women.”

It needs to be selective. You should know when to go for something better and when to stick with what you’ve got. It leads to a much happier life, trust me. I didn’t make a conscious effort to do that. It just happened and I’m much better off thanks to it. It’s not always about expanding your horizons. Sometimes, it’s about developing your kingdom.

I look at what I’ve got now here in Canada. A good routine when it comes to university. Two great circles of friends and thanks to a nice summer job, I have the funds to support a social life. And of course, a stable home to come back to. It means that when I go out, I don’t have to think twice about what it takes to enjoy myself. I’m not saving all of my money in the hopes that I’ll be able to buy something spectacular. I’ll save some money for that. However, I’ll go out if that’s what it takes for me to enjoy myself. I’ll try new things if they appeal to me.

Following the Systema class on Friday, I hung out with a couple of friends. We drove to a restaurant and had a delicious meal and lovely conversation. Afterwards, my friend drove us home. It was a great way to end a great Friday evening.

For the longest time, if my friends weren’t doing something new and interesting, it wouldn’t be too appealing to me. Now, I have the best of both worlds. If there’s someone trying something new, I’d try it too. If they’re just looking for a good old fashioned night out, I’ll go for that too. And that makes everything even better.

This weekend is almost over but I can already see a somewhat packed weekend coming up. Friday holds another session of Systema followed by meeting up with some friends. A movie, dinner and post-dinner lounging are the plans for Saturday. And a possible visit to go watch the Blue Man’s Group on Sunday. If all plans fall through, it’ll make for a great weekend.

You’ve got to thank your parents when you realise how great life is. Yes, so many factors affect your life and how you’ve got to where you are but your parents were important. They opened up all the different opportunities.

Life’s great. Do I have wishes? I wish I didn’t have any regrets. I wish everyone is enjoying their lives. I wish things work out for everyone. I wish snacks were free. I wish I could gain weight. Do these wishes stop me? Well, the past has passed so no point in dwelling. If people aren’t enjoying their lives, I can’t force them to but I can certainly try to help them out when the chance arises. Snacks aren’t free so I’ll indulge myself when I feel the need for sugar! None of the low-fat crap! And if I can’t gain weight, then no big deal. There’s a shortage of thin people in the world. Think about that the next time you pick up some snacks. Then pass them over here.

Grape Punch

2006-10-14T16:06:00.000-04:00

I had a couple of things enter my mind last night just before I fell asleep but I can’t remember what they are anymore. I think one of them was about getting people to do what you want.

Manipulation is a big part of life. People want to get their way so they play mind games or they back the other person into a corner until they yield. I think I do it often. Nothing sinister or evil. I do what it takes to make sure things work out well. I guess I have a low opinion of the general public. Most of my experiences point towards them being complete idiots. I know that’s not true since they are still living and many people have successful or good lives. Yet, they seem to be lacking basic common sense when it comes to simple things like walking!

A trick I learnt in fencing was to advance on your opponent and back them towards the end of the piste. Once there, you could perform a check-step forward which is where you start taking a step back but quickly lunge. The point being that your opponent is cornered and about to be penalised for going out of bounds. Give them a way out and they’ll go for it. Except, it’s a deception and while they are moving forward, you’re going for a lunge (if you’re quick enough). End result? You just nicked your opponent.

That’s a form of manipulation. You corner them and then provide them with an escape route. The person goes for it but you’ve sprung your trap and nailed them. I believe some hunters do this with their quarry when trying to capture them alive. They surround the prey and provide a way out. The animal darts through it but runs in to a netting or snare of some sort.

You’ve just had your first lesson in Manipulation 101. This could be applied for personal gain – such as getting a girl, if that’s your thing.

As “Puff” once told me, “Nothing makes a guy more appealing to a girl than letting her know that he’s not interested in relationships”. They want to be the one that changes this person’s mind, shows them the good of relationships.

I went to the dentist’s today just for a regular check-up and cleaning. I definitely prefer a female dentist to a male one because I remember how my male dentist in Dubai would be sweating inside his latex gloves. With his hands poking around in my mouth, I’d get close-ups of the sweat pools under the glove!

It wasn’t my regular dentist today. It was a recent graduate. She was half-Japanese and half-French. I think it made a very nice combo. French looks with Japanese eyes. She had bright eyes.

A difficulty of being in the chair is that the dentist wants to be friendly and talk to you. But that’s hard when you have to keep your mouth open. And they are very nice people and easy to talk to, but then you’re also thinking that you should be asking about them too – except you’re not really sure what to ask.

Dentists have a good memory – last time I went there was 6 months ago but when I’m talking to them, they remember everything I’ve ever told them. “I remember you asked about this procedure – are you still interested?” or “You’re doing your last year of engineering, right?” or “You must be loving the weather – you’re fond of the cold, aren’t you?” They remember my name, who I’m living with, that I’m the youngest and that my mom visits every so often. Remarkable!

While you’re in the dentist’s chair, you can’t do much – just sit there with your mouth open. So, you want to look around. Except, the light is right above you meaning you need to look left or right. Often, the dentist is peering right over you, which means that your only option is to look at him / her. That’s how I noticed she had very nice eyes. It was all I could see behind her mask anyway but yeah, the eyes were nice.

Dentistry certainly has changed. All these new procedures. My fluoride treatment gave me a choice of flavours!! I still have a grape-y flavour on my lips. Looks like I’ll be experiencing this again in 6 months.

Reconsider

2006-10-10T00:35:00.000-04:00

Alright, it gets annoying. As time passes, things do pop up in my head that I could possibly talk about but when it comes to getting them out, I just don’t feel like writing. Or if I do, I feel like I could better spend my time doing something else. That means I just end up with a list of topics to discuss and the dim hope that I’ll actually remember what I had to say about each topic! So, now that I’ve actually taken the time out to write something up, what do I expect? I expect me to flutter from topic to topic without saying anything of substance simply because I’ve forgotten what initially brought the subject matter to my attention.

Let’s start off with taking liberties with another. Most of us do it – we get comfortable with a friend and innately speak on their behalf. What usually happens is that a person takes more and more liberties until they step out of bounds. I tend to do it with “Emperor”. Whether or not I think he’ll do something or how he feels about something. Generally, they are harmless things and the people I’m talking to expect an immediate answer so I oblige. However, it’s something I should stop doing since he’s perfectly capable of talking for himself.

However, liberties don’t just come in the shape of speaking for someone else. Actions too – you could start doing something for someone else under the guise of helping them out or saving them some inconvenience. Normally, it’s not a problem if both parties know what’s going on and a boundary line is established.

Let’s move on to lying. Another flaw present in most of us. I lie. I’m not talking about joking lies that are obviously transparent or not meant to cover up something. I mean lies that aim to make the other believe me. Usually, my lies are meant to lay rest to a topic that I have no interest in talking about. I would go around telling people “I don’t care to talk about that” but that just starts them up on “You should care about it” or “You can’t go through life ignoring topics that you don’t care about”. I can’t really remember when I last lied to someone but I’d like to think it’s rare.

This was the topic that made me realise that I would blog again. It hit me one day and I thought that I’d definitely be able to say something about this. However, it took me a few days to finally commit it to memory. Every time it came up, it’d slip out again within a minute. The topic was “Mental Barriers”. People stop themselves from doing something because they have some preconceived notion on why their attempts will fail. Most of the time, the reasons aren’t valid. The person will cling to the excuse hoping that it’ll excuse them for being dormant about the issue although their voice lets everyone know exactly what they think of that situation. They’ll talk about it but they won’t do anything about it.

It goes back to my last post about being afraid when someone threatens to beat you up or points a gun at you. It’s your fear that would cripple you into not thinking properly. Your fear would prevent you from taking the right steps – granted, that if your fear makes you submit meekly to your attacker and that spares you then you did still achieve the main goal.

*Side Note* I mentioned in my last post about being threatened with a gun. Although my source of new information stems from a different scenario, the person said that he wasn’t afraid to die. He was afraid of letting down the people who rely on him. Is it the same for me? Perhaps it is. Then again, I’ve let enough people down so I don’t have to worry about people relying on me.

When I see martial artists and acrobats on the television, I wish that I could do what they do. I want to be able to perform flips, aerial somersaults or even learn Parkour. At the moment, I know that I can’t do those things safely so I don’t. That’s not a mental barrier. The mental barrier would be my thinking that even if I learn those skills, I’ll hardly (if ever) utilise them, at which point they’ll degrade into my current state.

The obvious argument to this is that these barriers can be warranted – that if someone knows they can’t succeed, they don’t bother. But honestly, has that ever gotten someone somewhere? “Well, if I try, I’ll fail. So I just won’t attempt it.” People like this sit at the second tier of the “Useless People” chain. They are right above the people who don’t even think about making things better but instead, just accept them the way they are.

It was a tossup deciding who belongs at the third tier. The second tier people almost made it but in the end, I gave the nod to people who try without thinking about it. At least these people are doing something to make improvements. They aren’t thinking their plans through but they’ll learn from their mistakes and experience. Eventually, they’ll reach the top tier people. The top of the coveted food chain is where everyone should aspire to be. These are the people who know what they are doing. They use their knowledge to better everything.

I have the feeling that a certain individual out there will disagree. He’ll say that there’s nothing wrong in living for yourself and if you remain a good person, then world improvement is an unnecessary goal.

A lot of people don’t try something because they are afraid of failing. Failure can have a crippling effect on someone’s self-esteem and confidence. If we only look at attempts to make something of yourself in life, even failure has its plus sides. Yet, the fear of failing (and the consequences of it) normally makes most people back away.

Now, I have a point on my list that says “Sheltered Breeding”. I don’t really remember what I had to say about this. So, I’ll just go with the typical response. The standard answer would be that sheltering your kids is good… in moderation, of course! Too much protection and they end up being sissies. They should be able to fend for themselves without the parents. When you send them off to a university abroad, they should be expect to deal with all sorts of things on their own.

Of course, if you don’t protect them, they’ll just float from mistake to mistake and potentially never hit upon the right track. So, moderation is the key.

Alright, time to address some expectations people have formed of me. I’m the one to blame for them forming these but there is a large degree of truth in them. Some people see traits in me at more developed states than they really are.

I do feel cold. I’m not cold blooded that I can survive in the winters without some form of covering. I think I have a higher tolerance of the cold than other people. I feel the weather but it doesn’t affect me the same. I guess that’s the “Mind over matter” issue. I don’t keep thinking that it’s cold so my attention isn’t on the heat that I’m losing. Yes, I can go out in my shorts and t-shirt when it is -35°C weather but if I’m out there for more than fifteen minutes, I’ll freeze like anyone else.

I generally feel cold when there’s a soft draft in generally still air. I don’t know the science behind it. In air-conditioned rooms, I get Goosebumps fairly quickly. So, classrooms or cinema halls normally make me feel cold although that’s still rare.

I do care about others. There is the impression that I can pass off feelings for others as easily as “Emperor” can pass gas but there are loads of things I do that show people I care. I won’t bother to elaborate on that because most of the things will make people say “That doesn’t prove anything”.

I do care about my looks. Sure, I don’t bother ironing my clothes or brushing my hair but when I’m going out, I do make sure that my clothes aren’t falling apart or look really shabby. Those shabby shirts become my house wear. I also do notice that my clothes aren’t ironed or my hair is tousled and that I’d look better if I had pressed my shirts and brushed my hair. But, I won’t actually do that. I don’t care that much! Give me some credit though! I don’t wear shorts and t-shirts of the same colour anymore! No more grey on grey, black on black or white on white.

I do sleep properly! Granted, I am a very light sleeper and it doesn’t take anything more than my bedroom door creaking or someone to loudly call out from another room to wake me. Other than a couple of days of the week, I do manage to sleep despite increasing warmth or brightness in the room. I do manage to sleep through some car horns on the streets below and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve slept through emergency vehicle sirens.

There are other projections of my personality but I don’t want to spend time remembering them. I guess my point is – most of what you think about me is probably an exaggerated truth.

I have “Religious Boundaries” on my list too. I can’t recall what I wanted to say about it. It might have something to do with my Sociology class but I doubt it – because nothing that’s said in that class sticks with me when I’m at home. There was something my professor said about how religious rules come from people attaching divinity to tradition or customs to deter people from performing acts outside of those rules. He also said that religions were contaminated by society in the sense that a religion wouldn’t be accepted if it proposed things outside of someone’s social beliefs. So, to ease the acceptance of the religion into society, it would offer benefits that people would find appealing or it would place a spin on rules to make them acceptable.

I don’t really have anything to say about that. I’m very much aware of the thought tracks inside of me that would lead to me believe that all religions are figments of someone’s vivid imagination but perhaps I have a Mental Barrier that keeps me from exploring that path. This track does intersect my current religious beliefs so that I do think that adhering strictly to all the requirements of my religion isn’t necessary but as long as I believe in God and follow a generally good path, I should be alright. Everything else is a way of showing my gratitude.

Which isn’t all bad – if you consider something as a requirement, then you’re doing it because you have to. But if you’re doing something out of your own will, then your actions actually have meaning. It’s like praying 5 times a day because it’s a requirement but really, just thinking about your favourite TV show or something else while going through the actions sort of detracts from the main intention behind prayer. Compare a person who prays five times a day but constantly thinks about other things instead to a person who prays perhaps once a week but truly devotes his / her time to the prayer. Who is more sincere?

I’ve made a bunch of new friends since the start of this semester. I strongly maintain that friendship doesn’t require any work. Most people don’t go out looking to make friends. You’re just yourself and you end up making friends. So, if you can make friends without trying to, why must you work at keeping it going? Besides, the best friendships keep getting better automatically.

One thing I’ve noticed is how you can be good friends with someone when the friendships starts but once the friendship begins to settle down, you notice all these flaws in your friend. In fact, these flaws are big enough to make you reconsider the friendship. Normally, you start weaning out the friend from your life and eventually, the friendship fades. Other people try to cling on to the friendship – after all, you saw something there that made you friends in the first place – You give them the benefit of the doubt and hope that things still work out fine.

I made a bunch of friends at the workplace this summer. I can’t say I expected those friendships to be lasting or to develop into something good but they did. I wasn’t even at the same office as all of them but it hardly mattered because I still spent a substantial amount of time with them. And out of all of them, a small group of us emerged together because we managed to meet up more often. It’s not exclusive and I could be reading too much in to it but I see solidarity amongst us. Ok, I’m not being clear.

The small group meets up every so often. It’s an expectation of sorts that we’ll see each other at the next outing. The others are uncertain although that could be because of geographic location or prior engagements. They are a different bunch of friends than the ones I’ve had all my life. I had friends formed out of school or university. These are friends from work. Although we are hardly the prime examples of professionalism, these friends feel like adult friends. Our outings are probably wild compared to my usual excursions but they feel tamer. Yet, there’s an appeal to it. We toast each other at our dinners. It gives me a sense of intimacy with the friends. There’s a maturity in the friendships.

So, those friendships mean something to me now. I like going out to meet them now because it’s a big change from the usual group of friends that I go out with. If the other interns join us, then that’s good. But if they don’t, I’m still good as long as this core group comes along.

More and more of my friends are in long-term relationships now. When I’m out with the couple, people could call me the third wheel although I certainly don’t feel that way. Of course, I’m not holding hands with my friends but I don’t feel excluded. I don’t know about them though. I’ve never asked them about it although I’m fairly sure that they’d wave it off. I did ask one couple actually and they said that it’s not true. I believe them but it certainly makes for an interesting time when out with couples. Of course, I don’t always expect it to stay like this – eventually, I’ll be intruding, at which point, I’ll need to recognise the signs of wear on the welcome mat.

I’ve known “Emperor” for just over three years now. That’s not really a long time but I don’t really think much of my time in high school. Once I came to university, that’s what my academic life became about. And because my friends are also my classmates, my social life changed too. Yet, once I met “Emperor”, we stayed in the same residence for two years, we’ve been in almost every class together and we’ve almost always formed project groups together. Our circles of friends are the same to every extent.

Why do I mention him? I’ve spent more time with him than anyone else in the past three years. That alone warrants a mention. He’s a benchmark of sorts. If I extrapolate on my feeling that high school didn’t exist, then “Emperor” and I have shared very similar lives with some deviances. I don’t suppose that means much but it does make his opinion carry weight with me.

So there we go, I’ve got a long entry. I’m in a long conversation with “Bundar” about relationships at the moment but we have really differing views so we’re not getting anywhere. I can understand everything he’s saying but at the end of the conversation, we’re both going to leave with unsatisfied tastes in our mouths because neither of us made a point that’ll stick with the other. Of course, that’ll soon come to an end because bedtime approaches.

Title for this entry? Reconsider – I guess I’m asking people to reassess who they are, how they project themselves and their friendships.

Dark Bullets

2006-08-25T04:48:00.000-04:00

I’m in love! It’s an undeniable feeling. When it hits you, you melt in it. You can’t reject the feeling and you don’t want to. You just want to let it fill you and take over you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am in love. In love with the night!

Some may recall that I have certain periods of time where I can (and have) spent hours at a time just staring off into space on the balcony. You could think of anything and everything that you want. It’s such a relaxing way to spend your time!

When was the last time you laid everything aside and stood outside at 4 AM? “Normal people sleep at this time”. There’s no such thing as a normal life. There’s just life. Everyone lives it the way they do.

Night has finality about it. It’s always there. It marks the end of a day. I’ll tell you what I see when I stand on my balcony and look out at the world.

I see the occasional light left on in someone’s apartment. I see street lights and I see city lights in the distance. The occasional car passes by on a road that’s otherwise quietly lit in the golden hue of the lamps above it. A cool breeze chills me but makes me want to stay out there longer. The serenity is there. No one seems to be in a rush. The world has finally gone quiet. It’s finally taken the time to sit back and relax.

People aren’t speeding to get home. It’s the dead of the night and it’s as if they subconsciously know that the few extra minutes won’t make a difference. Or perhaps, the solitude and quietness around them seeps in and slows their pace.

The cars just go by almost as if they’d never need to stop. There are no obstacles, no changes of pace, no nothing. They keep coming and going. The night sky seems to go on forever. There’s uniformity about the sky. No clouds, no shades of blue. Just dark as far as I’d care to see.

In a world where people rush to get about, make haste to get the job done and speed to earn a dollar, the night provides a break where people can either finally lie down and let the hours of the night help them unwind in slumber or enjoy the quiet and solitude.

The night symbolises a life of simplicity. The cars are us living our lives. No barriers, no problems. No slowing down for others or avoiding them. The uniformity brings a sense of unity. As far as I can see, everyone’s in the same situation. We’re linked!

People are going home. They are finally going to be able to wrap up their day and go to bed. There’s nothing more in the day for them and that brings a sense of relief… relief that you’re done.

The few people still awake at this time… you can reach out to them. In a small way, you’re on the same wavelength as them.

I think what I love most is the serenity. To be able to stand on the balcony and feel absolutely peaceful. It gives rise to such a powerful feeling of safety and you just wish that others could share this feeling with you.

I don’t need to use analogies to compare the night to our lives. They are two completely different things and both have a beauty about them. Take the night for what it is and enjoy it. Sleeping it away could be considered a worthwhile way to spend it but for me, soaking in the elements of the night makes it wonderful.

I invite any of you who are reading this to stay awake those few extra hours and go outside when your immediate world cannot get any quieter. I’d love to stand with you and share that time with you. Don’t worry about what you’re going to do or what you could be doing instead. Rather, just stand there and start looking around you. Your mind will drift on its own and thoughts float by.

I feel like my family is such a close-knit circle. A group of people together in everything. We may be everywhere but we’re still together day in and day out. An impenetrable fortress of resolve and love. Except, no matter how strong the barrier, life cannot be stopped. Time will pass.

Understanding the way of life is no consolation. Emotions cannot be subdued with rational thoughts. The actions you take based on them can be, though.

Somewhere along the line, I lost a large chunk of fear. I don’t think it’s that I’m religious and fear only God. Instead, I believe I may have just reached the point where “I don’t care” and arrogance have mixed. I know I’m not afraid of getting hit by a car. I know I’m not afraid of some random person attacking me. And I strongly believe that I could have a gun pointed at me and stay cool.

Living the scenario is different from what you think you know. I admit that but I can guarantee the first two. It’s just reached the point where I’d believe that nothing can hurt me and if it does, I can fight back.

With the third, I think I just don’t care what happens. We’re here to live full lives and enjoy them while staying true to our values. Regardless of religion, colour or culture, the right way to live is unanimous for all of us. 21 years of that is more than enough time to experience so much and although there is so much more, it would all be considered a bonus. You don’t really need it but it’ll be nice to have. More time to be spent with family. More time spent with parents and more time spent with friends.

So, point a gun at me. I guess I don’t care enough so I’d just want to challenge the person to pull the trigger! I suppose I could talk metaphorically. Threaten me with something and I’ll just stare at you with the look that says “Knock yourself out. I couldn’t care less!”

My lover beckons. I want to stand on the balcony once more and feel the hug of the night envelop me. To enjoy the time spent there to cap off the day on a relaxing note. Go to bed with a smile. Just that guarantees you’re not going to bed alone.

Cameo Post

2006-07-22T18:34:00.000-04:00

It’s been more than seven months since my last post. I suppose I just ran out of things to talk about. There hasn’t really been anything in the past half a year that’s made me go “Hmm”.

I’ve noticed a sharp rise in my confidence level recently. I always considered myself to me sure of myself and confident but most of the time, I felt that it wasn’t confidence. It was more like brashness or arrogance. There are few people who’d doubt that. More than once, I’ve been told that something about me makes others think that they are inferior to me. I don’t know why but I feel that’s different from them saying that I make them feel like I am superior. It could just be my own mental ego trying to tell me that it’s their fault for feeling insecure.

However, now, I feel as if the arrogance has taken a backseat to confidence. I have no qualms about stating what I think and backing it up if I believe it. I have no problem with telling others that they are wrong or that they are expecting too much. People used to tell me that doing all that can be bad in a workplace and often it rubs people the wrong way. They could be right – but so far, I have always been complimented on being confident at the office. It could be a case of where you push your limits until they snap and then you cry about things going wrong. However, the same could be said for lying dormant.

I should get “Emperor” to enlighten me further on this. *Side Note* “Banana Man” has been renamed “Emperor”

I’ve been trying to get tanned recently. A friend told me that she can tell the difference. During the academic year, we’d all be a pasty white shade as we sat in the labs working on project after project. It was like we were all cancer patients, each of us hooked up to our own computer. So what have I done to get tanned? I did nothing like the typical white people who lie in the sun for hours and hours (Hi “Genius Girl”). I’ve just been going out with friends a lot and occasionally that involved standing in the sun for hours and hours. Of course, it’s only the arms and the face that get tanned. The general public is not yet ready to witness my upper body or my legs. I could not do that to them.

One thing has been nagging me for almost a week now. It was a simple statement but it’s still there in my head. “She cried so damn much, man” It’s still something that haunts me. It’s been more than a year but it still echoes in my head. You know what’s worse? I haven’t learnt from past mistakes. There are just so many unsettled issues there but there’s no opportunity to resolve them. This was the sole reason for me making a post.

I suppose things in the past can never be laid to rest and nor should they be. They keep you on your feet and although getting caught up in them is a bad idea, so is the idea of putting them behind you. I just wish this problem could be resolved *twitches nose*

Ok, I was just sending off a birthday e-mail to a friend of mine from high school. Something felt odd though. He’s turning 22 but I remember wishing him for his 15th birthday. That couldn’t be right because I haven’t known him for 7 years! Yet, it’s true. It’s been almost 8 years that I’ve known him. I can count the years and they remain just a number but at this particular moment, the gravity of that number just hit me. 8 years is a long time but it feels like it all passed in a snap.

The older people who read this post will probably smile and shake their head thinking of a certain friend of theirs who they’ve known for longer than I’ve been alive.

It makes me think of “Artsie”. I’ve known him for more than 14 years. That’s an awfully long time! I’ve known “Midas” for 12 years. I’ve known them for more than half my life. Just for that reason alone, they are two very special people to me. Add on the fact that they are two amazing people and special doesn’t even come close to doing them justice.

Yes, I’m mentioning my friends here when I could be talking about my family and talking about various relatives who have known me all my life. I could talk about my parents who have reared me from birth and beyond. They always tell me – Friends come and go but family is there forever. So, having friends who have been with me for so many years is a milestone. Mentioning my family being with me for all my life is like saying that the Toronto Maple Leafs are bad. It’s obvious, it’s well-known and that fact rings true every single day.

Mankind!

2006-07-04T20:17:00.000-04:00

We are the men of the world
Ready to fight with our fists curled
We are the strong ones, we deal with pain
We control the women, we keep them sane

A woman does much, I agree
But there’s a simple point that you must see
Without us guys around, there’s naught for them to do
The women would sit around with only their hair to do

Idle hands are no good to men
So we are slobs, giving work to them
If we did all that we could
The women could lie as still as wood

For it is because of us that women are here
To iron our clothes and protect our children so dear
They should be able to do every task
Cook, clean and strip when we ask!

There’s one more point that I’d like to make
We’d all be in Eden if not for the women
You idiots! You listened to a Snake!
You idiots! You’re as bad as vermin!

Tuesday, July 4th 2006

Pride

2006-02-19T14:39:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I was free of you
I didn’t know you, I didn’t care to
You always had a bad rep.
In your direction, we were afraid to step

We grew older, we knew more
We had to be smart, had to be sure
We stood up straight, glint in our eye
Led by example, modesty had died

You led me to believe that I can!
Taught me to know that failure be damned
I should step out on to the ledge
I should take my limits past the edge

I love you – you make me strong
I love you – you make me right
But our love is clearly wrong
Of the Good Path, I lose sight

I forget myself, I forget my seeds
I think I’m too good, hardier than wood
I can’t be touched, can’t be reached
I’d lower myself… if I could

If I could, I’d push you away
Yet a part of me wants you to stay
I need you here to hold me up
But for my sake, I shall lock you up

Join your friend “Wrath”, I knew him well too
He was my ally, I shunned him too
Take your place by his side
I reject you too! Goodbye “Pride”

Sunday, February 19th 2006

Wrath

2006-01-25T00:15:00.000-05:00

It was your absence that made me cry
It was your presence that made my shy

I could never handle the thought of you
I wanted one; you always wanted two

You should have just left me alone
You shouldn’t have met me, seen me or phoned

So think hard; listen to me
So go away; be free of me

We’re done! You shouldn’t be close
Even in death; I’m haunted by your ghost

I hate you; I have no need of insanity
My life is fun; one of levity

I beg of you; let me live free
Your absence alone brings me glee

Goodbye my friend; I knew you well!
Farewell “Wrath”; I’ll see you in Hell!

Thursday, January 19th 2006

Greatness

2005-12-16T23:39:00.000-05:00

Some things have drifted in and out of my mind but I didn’t feel the need to jot them down. However, from lack of better things to do – such as watching a plant grow – I decided that I might as well write something.

I guess I was naïve in my thinking about what friendships are. I never knew that to survive and flourish, each person has got to have something to offer. I wasn’t aware that friendships had become so selfish in nature. From a rational point of view, if something does not have a purpose or benefit, it should not be indulged in. In no way can I say that friendships and family do not have benefits.

I consider myself lucky enough to have many friends. I admit that I avoid selecting best friends but I have what I consider an elite group of friends followed by the good friends and then basically, everyone else falls into the miscellaneous category.

However, let me see what it is that I have to offer.

- I’m not a talkative person in most scenarios so it’s definitely not my conversing skills.
- I do sometimes go out of my way for someone else but I guess that’s become fairly rare so I’ll discount that.
- I can’t really call myself funny. Sure I love to make people laugh but it’s normally at the expense of someone. I guess that just makes me cruel.
- I’m not sincere. Plenty of occasions where I should have been a bigger man.
- I’m not a source of comfort or support since I have neither the patience (anymore) nor the words.
- It’s not intellect since university has proved that I don’t have the smarts anymore.

So, doesn’t look I have much to offer but this was all from my own belittling point of view. From what others said:

- I am the living proof that simplicity and goodness still exist in the world
- I have a good hold of my moral values
- A really good listener

But…

- As much as I wish I led a simple life, I feel that complications run amok. I’m certainly not the epitome of goodness. I won’t even bother explaining why.
- I’ve slipped on my moral values more than enough times or perhaps in terms of severity too.
- I’ve just lost all patience so I can’t say I’m a good listener either.

So, that resolves it. There’s nothing that I have to offer. So, either people are my friends because they’ve found a way to extract some use of me or they are friends because they have no choice.

Or… that theory about friendships only surviving when both parties have something to offer is straight from the cow’s arse.

When I was growing up, I loved knights. They were everything I wanted to be. They were courteous, polite, distinguished and commanding. They oozed respect and everything from their poise to their speech had style. When talking to the ladies, they would be gentlemanly no matter how abrasive the woman could have been.

I find it a real shame that I’ve failed in adapting their style. I suppose if I had lived back in that day and age, I would have been nothing more than a serf or messenger boy – You know the type: The ones who get flogged, imprisoned and beheaded. I don’t even know where to begin when explaining why I’m nothing like those knights. I am simply nothing like what they were.

Accept who I am? Acceptance without contention leads to stagnation. Rejection leads to improvement and resolve.

So it’s agreed that I’m in no way a great man. Now, let me spout out purely personal opinions. I don’t wish to hear any arguments. Just like so many other children who think the same about their fathers, I think that my dad’s a great man. I can’t say that he’s the greatest man I’ve ever personally known because I feel that title belongs to his father.

I’ve met so many people who have said so many wonderful things about my dad. No one’s making them tell me. No one’s going to know that they told me. Yet, they all wanted me to know how much they respect my dad and how much their lives have changed for the better after my dad helped them. According to them, my dad was a relentless man in achieving his goals and so often, his goals were for the good of others. Whether they were aims to help a fellow person get a job or to give that struggling contender the motivation and push required, my dad did just that.

My goal in life was to reach people on a huge scale and help improve their lives. I wanted to make a change for the better in the world. I have that desire and I don’t know how yet, but I will try to make that come true. However, it makes me smile to know that even if I don’t manage to take that leap, my father’s already taken a step towards it. He’s already improved the lives of so many that he’s met.

I have a vision of my working life. I suppose in a small way, knowing where you want to end up will help you work towards it. If you can’t visualise it, you don’t really know what you want.

I see myself living in the city’s downtown. I have a condo in a high-rise building on one of the higher floors. It basically looks like the apartments that you see of the single bachelors’. It’s modestly decorated with wood being the dominating surface. Wooden floors with the occasional rug, a small lounge for entertaining guests and a large kitchen and bedroom. Hmm, I think I’ll draw it out.

As you can see, there is a lot of empty space. It’s to represent the freedom and choice that I cherish so much. The freedom to move without obstacles barring the way and the choice of walking anywhere easily. I really love the large open space once a person enters. The sheer number of things that can be done with that space is pleasing to wonder about. The simplicity of the furniture is a nice touch in my mind.

I just realised. That all these can be related to the attributes of the knights that I was talking about. There’s freedom and choice, there’s simplicity yet there’s a magnificent or commanding aura.

I see myself in an office that has plenty of room to walk around in. My oak desk is parallel to beautiful wall-to-wall windows. I have a nice view of the city, perhaps a bridge spanning clear blue water. I have a job that may not pay much but it’s something I enjoy doing and it’s something where I get to interact with plenty of people. I would not be able to deal with a job that provides no variety.

I drive a nice car. Not in the sense that it’s expensive and looks great. It’s nice as in it’s what I would want and it’s different than what people tend to go for.

Now spare me, for I shall refer to all people as “he”s.

Ironically, having said all that, I want to next talk about role-playing. I’m sick of it. I hate thinking about living a life that I’m not actually living. There’s really no point to thinking about a life that I may or may not go through in the future. How about I just focus on what is and enjoy that? I don’t remember who said it or the exact quote but there was a saying that a person who lives in the future misses his present. It was either “misses” or “hates”.

I’m tired of role-playing through my current life. It’s confusing. I don’t quite know whether I’m role-playing anymore or not. On one hand, I continue to act as I do. On the other hand, my mind often tells me to do otherwise.

I’m tired of people thinking that I’m smart simply because I seem to know what goes on or based on past luck. I’m tired of people expecting me to be nice because that’s all I can be. I’m just tired of people expecting anything of me. Simply because when I can't live up to their expectations, I have to listen to them repeat what is expected.

When one thinks about his past, it is easier to remember the happier moments than the dull ones. If I think back over the time that I’ve been here at this university, I’d say that I’ve got a lot of happy memories. There is a sprinkle of regret and sadness but those thoughts only arise when I focus on them.

So… if someone was to ask me whether I enjoy being at university, I’d answer “Yes!”, right? No. Because despite all the happiness and despite how thankful I am that I’ve been given the chance to get a good education, I hate the fact that I failed what I came here to do.

When I think about it, I’ve had a non-existent social life for the past two years. I just didn’t have the time. That’s an acceptable “loss” though, since I’m not here to socialise. Yet, I feel so restless sometimes when I’m tired of sitting at home. Then what? I have nothing that I can do.

It’s why I miss living on campus. If there was any citywide event, it was near my residence. If there were any plans to enjoy ourselves, we were all nearby and could meet up. Almost always, there was the option of having fun. I may not have had a social life last year either, but when I wished to, I could have fun in small doses as time allowed. No extra effort was needed. This year, just for one simple dinner with my friends, two weeks of planning were required.

The day I finished my exams, I walked a friend to Chestnut. I had no intention of staying but once there, I decided to pay a friend a visit. I ended up staying there for 4 – 5 hours, approximately. And I had a great time. I was with the two friends who I see the most often on campus but this time, it was all fun.

Since then, I’ve sat at home and for the sake of passing time, I’ve done chores. Mindless time-consuming chores. I suffer from what I like to call “The Engineering Syndrome”. It was bred into me while in high-school but it went dormant during vacations. Here, it strikes hardest during vacations.

What is it? It’s basically when my mind can’t shut down. It’s when I can’t sit around and enjoy my free time because I wonder what work I could be doing instead and how I could do it. If I don’t have work to do, I try and find it. I need to be productive. Productive being that I produce a noticeable change.

My sleep is lighter than ever. There was a time that I had control over my dreams but I lost that. However, I still sleep so lightly that while I dream, any oddity makes me aware that it’s only a dream and I wake myself up. Also, I’m always sensitive to changes around me. I wake up at the sounds of the street below, the sun shining into my room and the movement of my brother.

Not to mention that my sleep is still restless. I wake up several times during the night. I look at the clock constantly and alarms are merely a precaution now since I know that I’ll be up before it rings.

Ha! Really looks like I’m starting to break down and eventually snap. Nah, that won’t happen. It goes against the effects of TES. If I break down, then I definitely won’t be able to be productive. So, my mind won’t allow that to happen.

I think what I’m really tired of is the lack of activities. To be an engineer, your life has to be in a strict routine. Deviances are annoyances and must be compensated for immediately. This is all well and good while the semester is on. However, once vacations start, the huge period of time that is now unused leaves an emptiness. So I thought about what I wanted to do. Nothing!

When I think about it, there’s nothing left that I can think of that I’d ever really want to do. Thankfully, I’ve experienced more in my lifetime than most people do in theirs. There are small things that I’d like to experience but they are merely temporary means of enjoyment.

I want to go to Australia and see the Outback. I want to go to New Zealand and see the prairies. I want to go to Hawaii or Bali and see what the fuss is about. I want to go to the Arctic and see the Aurora. I want to go scuba diving. I wish to hang-glide. Sky-diving was a thrill that I can’t forget simply because of the one minute of free fall I had. I wish to jet-ski and go-kart. I’d really love to go exploring space. Given the chance, I’d go up into space for however long is required to observe nature at it’s purest. Completely untouched by humans.

I guess that means my life is complete. Now that there is nothing more that I’d want for myself, I should be able to put my own selfish desires aside and focus on what we’re really supposed to do. Help.

I think I need to get my hands on a few of Dr. David Hawkins’ books. There could be so much in them that can provide me the guidance to advance from my current state. To understand how to focus on the desire to help and forget the personal needs. To integrate with simplicity and solve with precision and rationality. I have to say that “Banana Man” (I always forget what I changed his pseudonym to) has changed over the time that I’ve know him as he’s read the material. He’s overcome so many negative human traits.

I can’t properly express what I feel they can do. What I really hope is that they make people put aside their personal needs and their selfish goals to work for the greater good. What I hope is that they help people build focus and intent. Free from the complications that arise from our negative traits.

Music’s been a soulful outlet these days. Random songs that I normally don’t find meaningful can speak out to my moods and nurture them to provide that state of bliss. The relaxed feeling when little is of consequence and sitting back with your feet up seems to be the ideal scenario. The only problem is that they rarely last for more than 5 minutes.

So, that’s my rant.

Tribute To A Great Man

2005-11-13T22:57:00.000-05:00

I’m a wrestling fan. I’ve been watching it for 13 years and I may not be the strongest fan but I like watching it. It’s always held a strong interest for me.

Yes, it’s all planned. Other than the accidents and mistakes, it follows a script. And for that, people hate it. Yet, how is it any different than any other show? They too follow a script and pretend that everything is real. This show just happens to have a lot of entertainment and action.

A wrestler died today. Apparently, his heart failed while he was in his hotel room on the day of a big show. Eddie Guerrero was only 38 years old. He had a wife and three kids – 14, 9 and 3.

I admit I’ve been upset by this. I’ve been really sad all day and I haven’t been able to do anything else. Most of you won’t understand it and I don’t expect you to. I only ask that you try not to ridicule anything at the moment.

I guess the reason why I’m upset is because Eddie just like so many other wrestlers goes out day in and day out without any regular vacations to entertain people like me. He dedicated his life to performing for us. For most wrestlers, it’s not about the money but the respect and admiration that they get from the fans for their hard work.

He had a family and he loved them. He dedicated every achievement to them and he was never too proud to accept his mistakes. He was weak once but he became strong enough to overcome his flaws.

I’ve spent all day praying for his family and I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone else but I can’t put my life on the shelf for now.

I don’t want to accept that he’s gone because I feel that he’s one of the greater people who lived amongst us. I may be naïve here, but his life wasn’t spent trying to earn money and just lead a successful comfortable life. There are other high-paying jobs out there that are less-demanding both physically and emotionally. He spent his life trying to bring happiness and enjoyment to our lives. He brought a change to the lives of many people and he was inspirational. It’s not like he led a charmed life.

I’ve already wished that it was me instead of him because at least he was making a change for the better in the world. People knew of his troubled past and they knew he had overcome it. He had made them believe that they could do it too. So far, I’ve only lived for myself and I have not reached people on the scale that he has. It’s been my aim to do that and the fact that we lost a man who spent his life for others makes me cry.

I can’t believe he’s dead. I wish it was not so but I have to accept it. I need to stop mourning his death and celebrate his life. I’m lucky… we’re all lucky that he was alive and that he was around to help so many people and entertain so many others. I may not have ever met him or even seen him in person, but he’s touched me more than most other people who I have met. Thank you, Eddie. You’ve entertained me for so many years and you’ve given me hope for years to come. You were a great man and you will remain a great man in our hearts.

Rest in Peace, Eddie Guerrero. I pray for you and my thoughts go out to your family.

Life's Simple, Right?

2005-10-17T00:47:00.000-04:00

I know this person who I feel has a problem with confidence. I understand where this person’s coming from and why (s)he feels that way but there are times when I feel that (s)he’s refusing to accept his/her past and move on.

When I hear his/her friends comment on his/her problems, I smile because they are being encouraging but not helpful. “Good job” or whatever but there has hardly ever been anything they’ve said that I feel could help this person. Granted, these people are probably doing more than I am. However, I’m not qualified to help.

I guess I’m not as understanding as I used to think I was. I used to look at issues from everyone’s point of view and I’d have a comprehension of how they’d look at it. This issue is just far out of my grasp, I suppose.

In this case, I just feel that the only thing left that holds this person back is his/her mind. (S)He hasn’t been able to let go of his/her past and for that reason, the problem still consumes him/her.

I wish I knew how to help but I don’t. I don’t think my help is required anyway. Anyhow, I don’t know what this person is going through and I’m not close enough to him/her to merit knowing how this person feels.

Life’s simple, right? You have a part of the past that lingers when you want it to disappear? You move on!

Life’s simple, right? You have a friend who you wish you could help but you can’t get close enough to do that? Talk to the friend. There are no barriers when it comes to helping each other.

Life’s simple, right? Your best friend thinks that after you left high school, you’ve become the very person that you’d never want to be? Talk to the friend. The better the friend, the more your old self will shine through the shroud formed in the absence of the friend’s company.

Life’s simple, right? You’ve got a problem? Smile at yourself in the mirror. Not a small one - A nice toothy one. Or find me. I’ll cheer you up. I used to be great at making people feel great without even knowing about the problem. It’s still inside me, I’m sure of that. I just need to care again. Come to me people. I’m being sincere. I am truly approachable with all types of problems no matter how well you know me.

Life’s simple, right? Your life seems to be a brick road with each stone marking a problem? Well, under the paved stones lies the soft sand which helps your problems feel like just what they are. Take a handful of sand. Open your fist. Sand will begin to slip through your fingers. Or you can clench your fist and sand will squeeze out. Either way, an effort is made. Learn to let go of your problems or to show determination and grit.

Life’s simple, right? Right!

Insolent Infidels!

2005-10-15T11:33:00.000-04:00

One thing I cannot tolerate is insolence. For certain people, I might take it to a small degree but in most cases, I’d change my attitude to the person. I especially hate insolence from younger kids who think they are “all that” and believe they can stand up to me. It doesn’t matter if you’re 6 or 19, if you seriously think that you’re too good, I’ll take it on myself to prove you wrong.

Someone will say, “Why does it have to be you? Why do you have to get involved?” I don’t want to. Just don’t get into my face telling me that you’re too good and I’ll leave you alone. If you really believe it, fine. There’s no need to make others believe it too. It’s just a sign of how unsure you are if you need confirmation from others.

I’ve been unsure about plenty of things. However, I’d like to think that it wasn’t about how I’m “all that”. Instead, it was more on the degree of my cons. So, I’ve asked others.

I used to be called one of the most patient people most people knew. That’s all changed. I don’t have much patience for stupidity, ignorance and especially insolence. The only thing left to do is perfect the way to make the person feel uncomfortable for being any one of those. Simply “tsk”ing or “uffo!”ing isn’t enough. I need to be able to say the right sentence to do the just amount of damage! Muahahahahaha!

Irrational Anger

2005-10-09T01:53:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s pretty much settled. It’s just like “Puff” so adequately defined me. I’m too aware for my own good about what’s happening in my life. To elaborate – I know what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. So, it’s like, I know what is the rationale for my irrational behaviour.

Except, I don’t do anything to fix it:

I’m being an obstinate adolescent? That’s alright – I’ll just continue and make everyone feel threatened by my behaviour.

I’m being a jerk to other people? That’s alright – I’ll just continue and let others think that they should stay away.

Here’s the best one: I hide secrets from someone because I don’t want them to know. However, when I find out that they are hiding similar secrets (though, not always of the same magnitude), I get angry.

It’s quite an interesting thought process in my mind. It starts off with a brief moment where I am angry. Then that’s replaced by the thought that since I have the same secret from them, it’s only natural for them to keep a similar secret from me.

Except, even though I realise that it’s all fair, I’m still angry. Depending on the situation, my attitude towards the person completely changes. Of course, I don’t become completely heartless. If the timing is all wrong, I’ll hold off. If I’m lucky, my anger will blow over by the time the moment is ripe.

So, there’s no reason to be angry. I did the same thing. I have no right to be angry just because I found out that the other person did it. Yet, I am angry and on top of that… I’m repeating myself in this blog!

Argh!!

Internal Strife

2005-10-04T13:22:00.000-04:00

You know you really love someone when you do all that you can to stop yourself from lapsing into that side of your character which you don’t want the loved one to see, ever!

You can feel it rising up inside you and you know that it’s there at the surface. I know how it feels to hold that “evil” side back and keep it from showing. It normally happens when things aren’t going the way I want and I’m expected to accept it.

However, when it comes to love, I’ve seen so many people hold that side of them in. I can see it there beneath the surface. I can see that they feel like they want to erupt but they don’t.

They described it to me. There’s the feeling of rage building up inside you and you just want to fall into that sour mood. You want to shut everyone out of your life and you want to just mope and feel sorry for yourself. However, it’s a conflict because there’s this other feeling that keeps sweeping through you. It makes your rage get more intense because this feeling carries a sense of warmth with it which just gets irritating. Yet, this other feeling persists. It feels like a wave through your body and you realise that you need to keep the rage within where it’ll eventually become overwhelmed by this other feeling. It’s love. You don’t want to see your loved one get hurt so you drown out the rage.

Like I said, in my case, the rage starts when things aren’t going my way and I’m supposed to accept that. The rage builds on minor annoyances and you just feel like angry at everything. Examples would be pencil nibs breaking, being put on hold on the phone, people asking stupid questions, being asked to do things for other people when you’re busy yourself.

These are all minor things. You might get irritated but certainly not angry unless you have a really short fuse.

These people tell me that they feel better right after they let the love take over. They still want to burst but it’s under control and soon enough, it disappears.

I suppose this could be another aspect of “The Fiercest Battles Rage Within”. An entire conflict takes place and the world can be oblivious to it.

Are we too self-centred to notice others in agony? Are we too self-centred to realise that out own petty battles are irrational when we could be accomplishing so much more together? Are we fools to think that we can live without love?

These questions aren’t rhetoric. Answer them.

Pogue Mahone!

2005-10-04T01:00:00.000-04:00

Life’s going peachy keen. Everything’s going really well and I think that I’m actually on top of my work. There’s always more work to be done but that’s the life of an engineer. I can’t expect to be taking frequent breaks. The good thing is that I understand everything in my classes and I can keep up.

Even constantly working is not getting to me. I’ve sort of found the right combination of distractions and work which lets me get through everything really efficiently without losing focus of my work.

I’ve noticed quite a lot of interesting things over the past month. Firstly, you’re not alone in the world. No matter how much you think that you’ve experienced something in the world, there’s probably someone out there who has been through the same. I can stand on the subway and notice several people showing similar traits to me. We’re probably quite different from each other but in that aspect, we are almost the same.

There’s an Irish pub near the subway stop where I get off and transfer to the streetcar. I wonder if the general Toronto public know the meaning of the pub’s name. It’s called “Pogue Mahone”. Now if my Irish lessons serve me well, that translates to “Kiss My Arse!” Yet, hundreds of people walk by that pub seemingly oblivious of that fact.

I normally transfer to the streetcar around 15 minutes before the hour. The annoying part is that the streetcar is almost always full or takes forever in arriving. Frequent service? Yeah right! I found out that if I start walking at the same time as a packed streetcar, I’ll arrive at the stop I would usually get off at, just before the streetcar pulls up. I need to figure out something else.

I feel really rushed these days. Everything has fallen into a routine. I get an average of 5 hrs of sleep a night. I go to all my classes, I come back and I sit at my desk and I work for the remainder of the day. There are the usual breaks. Eating and gym time but that’s pretty much it.

It’s good in a way that I’ve got a groove to work with. However, I want a bit of change. I just feel like there’s no time for that though.

Even right now, I think I should be doing something but when I think about it, I’m kind of at a blockade for the moment. I need to wait till tomorrow to get back on the tracks and keep going.

I didn’t really have anything to talk about. The “Pogue Mahone” thing kept striking me so I decided to put that up. That’s all for now.

If you want to find me, I’ll most likely be at King’s College Park having fun!

Various Photos 3

2005-09-28T23:38:00.000-04:00

I'm a lovable, sporty engineer!

Lovable Nerd!

Various Photos 2

2005-09-28T23:29:00.000-04:00

Scene Of The Crime - Snow Bank Robbery

Illuminated Yet Dim

Hands up all those who noticed the dirty snow!

Someone calling me?

High Prote... fat diet

Various Photos 1

2005-09-28T23:00:00.000-04:00

That's quite a blow!

Leafy Vortex

Could I Be Any Further From The Front?

Must Be What My Crotch Sees

Ever So Studious!

Art Of Assumption

2005-09-23T22:01:00.000-04:00

No matter how common it is, I still find it annoying when people make assumptions. It’s just not a reasonable thing to complete the story on your own when you only know half the story. When people proceed to then act on their wrong assumptions, things just get worse. You know that popular phrase – “Never Assume! You’ll make an ASS of U and ME!”

However, it is amusing to see people confidently claim they know the whole story and then proceed to use the story to state their opinions, advice or whatever. It’s just always so hard to figure out when to stop then and finally tell them that they’re wrong from the start. I guess that depends on how much you’re willing to embarrass them or annoy them.

I’ve been trying my hand a bit more at drawing. It’s simply not for me. I have no creativity and no skill. I spent roughly an hour sketching and came up with one measly model. “Banana Man” (I think he requested a name change, but I can’t remember it. I wonder if he would like “MF’er” but it’s too close to his real name) told me that I was using the wrong subject to start off with. It required too much detail.

However, with a few tips from “Cheshire Cat” and comments from people around me, I think I came up with something presentable. Certainly, it’ll be a long time before I can move on to making comical images. I probably won’t be drawing that long.

I asked “Cheshire Cat” to sketch a similar model using his style. It’s wicked watching him. He seems to just draw a lot of random lines with his pencil. Then he erases a certain few, emboldens some others and voila… it looks better than what I had. He only took 2 minutes! Oh blimey! Anyhow, take a look for yourself.

Memories

2005-09-21T21:07:00.000-04:00

It’s interesting how sometimes you don’t see anyone for days on end and when you finally do, you keep bumping into them. They just seem to be there almost every time you turn a corner.

Another not-so-interesting fact is how shirts will always tend to rip even when the collar is opened wide enough for your head to fit through! What’s up with that?

Although living at home has its own feeling of comfort, there’s no academic aura floating around like there is at dorms. Oh yes, it’s there. You have to be sensitive to it. Be able to pick it out of the odour of alcohol and the spark of partying. There’s always someone working and when you see that person working, you’re motivated to work as well, simply because you feel guilty and realise that you could be doing something too.

Another part of not living on the dorms is that you don’t feel like part of the community anymore. You’re isolated. You need to make frequent trips just to remain a member but there just hardly seems to be anyway for you to hold on to your leadership positions.

The worst part about living on your own is that there’s little interaction. At the dorms, I could always go talk to someone and since there were so many students, I could talk to different people whenever I pleased. Living with just one person is fine. However, there’s no variety of character.

I was listening to a trance song today that a friend had recommended back when I was a frosh. Every time that song played on my computer, my roommate would do a funny dance where he’d sort of jerkily push his hands down repeatedly. Things like that always make me smile when I think about them.

About all the pranks I played on the people there and all the fun that we had doing random things, whether it was playing dodge ball in the corridors, riding rogue trolleys around or simply practising different attacking moves on each other and exploring counter-attacks.

There were all the times that floor-friends would be hanging out in my room during first year and we’d be able to come up with the funniest things to talk about. The best part of it was that we always got a lot of work done during those times. We all had similar courses. We worked together, laughed together, helped each other and we had a blast.

There are some songs that are just hilarious to listen to. “O-Zone - Dragostea Din Tei” is one of them. It’s a Romanian song which is funny enough to hear but side-splitting when you watch a parody video of it.

Then there’s a song that’s innately happy. “Men Without Hats – Pop Goes The World”. It kind of makes you want to smile and kind of shake to the music.

Songs like “Rammstein – Du Hast” have awesome guitar riffs in them. The oomph in them seems to empower you.

I don’t really have anything to say. Was just reminiscing and wanted a record of what I was thinking. A few friends from my classes are going away for a Professional Year (or thinking about it). Even though I won’t have too many similar classes with them next year, it’s just a sad thought to think that if they leave, then this is the last year that I’ll be spending with them as students. I’ve got to remember to stay in touch with them.

Oh! I drew something! I can’t draw at all and the fact that I managed to come up with something that can be recognised is a huge feat! I admire the people who can draw. It’s certainly an art worth picking up.

Addendum

2005-09-20T17:12:00.000-04:00

I think the reason that people find it hard to believe that they are getting married or are married is because they are in shock. Seems quite an obvious statement, doesn’t it?

Sometimes, people build up the idea of marriage so much in their head about all that it means for them that they scare themselves and in some cases, they chicken out.

Then there are other people. They think about all the good things that they believe marriage has to offer them. Once they’re married, they can hardly believe that all the nice things that they’ve wished for and wanted for ages are finally coming true. They just can’t believe that they are finally going to get what they believe will give them so much happiness.

You’ll notice, I often quantify my words or write sentences as if some people are mistaken. Well, that’s because I don’t want to be like many other people and assume. I often talk about what others do and think – I’m fairly sure that I’m correct but I’m aware that there are exceptions. Quite often, I’m one of the exceptions.

Have you ever been in a friendship where you feel like there’s no firm footing? That you could say something and everything would go up in smoke? I guess that makes the other person quite hard to read. Or perhaps I’m just being dense and not taking it as it really is. A simple friendship. Once I realise that, things could sort themselves out. Of course, to leave no room for misunderstandings, a simple and open-hearted talk could clear all confusion.

I was just talking to “Sabbi” and she brought up a statement I made to her this past summer. I told her that I didn’t feel like our friendship was as good as it used to be a few years ago. It could just have been the distance between the two of us. However, I said that the whole reason we were good friends was because we used to share everything together. Every experience I had, she had soon after and vice versa. However, what I told her this summer was that I felt that she had jumped a few paces ahead and that was a barrier between the two of us.

That was quite a childish outlook. I couldn’t have expected her and me to walk the same pace through life forever. It wasn’t going to happen that way. She would have walked the path she was destined to follow and I would have made my own. Her path would have led to what her interests lie in and my path would lead me to a mouldable block of clay. I’d make my life whatever I want it to be.

Things change. I don’t like that. However, I’ve accepted it. I see changes occur but unless I’m a part of the changes, I suddenly feel disoriented. However, as I’ve become so fond of saying – It’s simple! You find your bearings and you go back to making your path.

The concept of finding humour in everything does not sit well with other people sometimes. It might be a big deal and the sight of me laughing is certainly not comforting. I suppose I should exercise discretion on my part. Keep the laughter to myself and a sympathetic face on the outside.

I don’t quite remember if I’ve mentioned it before (even I don’t read my own blogs) but I don’t know why people don’t think I open up. I share whatever I’m asked to share. I’m just not a conversationalist. I don’t know what to say. If someone wants me to share something, they’ll have to ask specifically. What reason would I have to hide it?

I find it amusing about how people still jump to conclusions about me. I suppose it’s partly my fault. Apparently, I don’t open up so they have to complete the stories that they THINK they partially know.

What’s with all the cryptic writing? Why don’t I take names? Well, sometimes I just don’t want people to know who I’m talking about. Either because I have my own reasons or because the person I’m talking about wants to maintain secrecy.

Love & Hate

2005-09-18T05:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I think I’ll talk about it now. I just want some people to realise that talking about love doesn’t necessarily mean that I am in love. Maybe I am and maybe I’m not. Don’t bother asking me.

One of my group projects this semester is designing a website and while we were choosing a topic, we realised that we couldn’t really define a term that is entirely subjective depending on who is thinking about it. It’s the same way for love. I’m going to talk about it from a guy’s point of view since it’ll make it easier for me to write without having to keep going him/her etc.

By the way, there’s a certain someone who I hope is reading this and might perhaps change his/her mind.

Unconditionally loving someone makes you want that person to be by your side at all times. Of course, some people will argue that eventually you’ll want your space but when you really think about how much you love that person, you’ll realise that you still want that person to be with you. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing. You’d just like to have that person with you and sharing in what you’re doing. Whether it’s shopping, doing the dishes, cleaning up the house, watching a movie or even sitting on a sofa, I don’t think there could be anything better than having your loved one right there in your arms or working alongside you.

When you’re without the one you love, you just can’t help feel lonely. You want that person to come back and you want to cuddle up in each others’ arms. It can’t be anyone else. You can’t replace your loved one. You love your partner and your partner loves you. That alone gives you two the right to be together.

Then again, when you two finally meet, it’s one of the happiest moments that you’d be able to think of. To finally be able to walk up to her and give a big gigantic hug that you’ve been dying to give her and feel all your desires and wants leaving you because you finally have her with you and feel complete one more time. Once again, you can sit with your arm around her, hold her hand or run your fingers through your hair.

Seeing couples together is not a weird sight for me. However, for a year or two now, I’ve looked at them and wondered just how happy they are together and how much fun they are having. It’s something that makes me think that I too should have that. Just because of how much enjoyment it brings to their lives.

Then there are the sides of me that know that I would not be the best boyfriend. I’m running on the assumption that my parents are truly as open to their sons having relationships as they told us they are. I don’t think I’d open up enough to make her think that she’s sharing my life with me. I know that at times, I’ll be too cold or rude and will end up hurting her. Yet, I have hope. That when I love someone so much, changes will come about automatically and I’ll be a better person. Still, this change should have come around already since I have my family to change for.

I took a survey once which said that I show friendship, love and trust through actions. I guess that’s why it means so much to me that I be with my loved one at all times. I want to be able to sit so close to her that with each breath, her neck tingles, she gets a shiver down her spine and her hair gently blows around. That is, until one or the other limb goes numb and I have to get up and get the circulation going again. I want to be able to do that and hope that even though I won’t always be able to say it, my actions would prove that I love her so much that if she ever disappeared even for a short time (like to go to work), I’d feel that a large part of me had left.

All this sounds like I’m lovesick. I’m well aware that things won’t turn out the way that I mentioned them. Both of us would be busy and would not have time to just sit around next to each other everyday. Eventually, we’d tire of just sitting in silence beside each other and being wrapped up in our own thoughts. That’s where the television comes in. Grr!
This is for the person I mentioned at the start:

It means a lot to have someone love you unconditionally and be there for you at all times whether you ask for help or not. Just having their company and care will make you realise that you’re loved so much and it’s all that you would ever need.

It’s easy to say that you don’t want to get married just because it’s expected of you. It’s also easy to say that you don’t need to get married because you don’t feel like you need anyone or that there’s just nothing about the other gender that appeals to you. You have a really biased view and it might be justified but I’d say that you should open up your mind and realise that there are so many different people who are proof that not all members of the gender are hopeless.

You do know people who are great. They are/were good friends of yours and you always used to tell me that they were just amazing. I really doubt that there are more amazing people out there who you could fall in love with.

I don’t quite know what to say. I don’t know how you made your decision or what your reasons are for it. Nor do I know whether you could be convinced to change your mind.

The biggest reason that I would be against marriage is because it’s expected. It’s what everyone does and just because of that, I wouldn’t want to do it. I’m not saying that’s your reason.

That’s how I always am. I don’t like doing what others naturally expect of me and I don’t like doing what everyone loves to do. Except, I’m not stupid. No matter how much I talk about resisting the general opinion and standing up against society, I know that

A) You don’t do that when there’s nothing to be gained from it and when it’s for your own benefit. In this case, you’d be missing out on a great experience and a wonderful addition to your life. It would truly enrich and help improve your life. Of course, if you’re willing to compromise.

B) You don’t argue points that have no value or reason. You just end up alienating yourself from everyone.

I don’t want to follow the path everyone does because I believe that it’s crippling. I’ve said it often, “The day you stop yourself from doing something because of society’s expectations is the day you stop living your own life.”

If I really wish to change the world for the better, I can’t turn everyone against me. It’s a matter of compromise. I have to show that I’m no different from them except I have a dream for a better future that I’m actually willing to work hard for.

I guess I’m drifting from my topic of love. I’m on to hate now.

I hate how people are scared to do things because they don’t want society to react badly. I hate how our own people don’t respect our country because it’s not the best in the world. However, people always find it easier to complain than to compliment. Given the choice, I doubt any of these people would prefer to have been raised in these “great countries”.

Simply because there are so many people who’d prefer to make easy money (clean or dirty) in our country, most of the hard-working people have decided that there’s no point of even trying and instead, leave for better opportunities. I just wish they’d realise that perhaps they should stop being selfish and thinking about themselves. How about doing what the ancestors of these “great countries” did? Stay and work hard. Work with the other smart people. Make a difference and improve the situation.

I don’t live in fear of my roots. I proudly tell people where I’m from. Except, I’m cautioned all the time that being too proud is just likely to bring me trouble. On one hand, I don’t want to just believe everything I’m told because I’m know all too well that most of the time, things aren’t always as people say they are. On the other hand, I don’t want to end up incapacitated simply because I talked big.

On the first hand, it’s the only way to make changes. You stand up tall and you make big moves. Things set in concrete cannot be changed by simply pecking away at them. You need to give it a mighty blow to set it asunder.

I guess the best way would be to start off quietly and work your way up. In to a place where people look up to you and know that you wisely speak the undiluted truth. It’s no secret. That’s how things work. To change the system, you need to understand the system.

For now, I’m young and happy. I can focus on what I need to do – Give myself the tools to get to that revered place.

But to my friend, I wish to ask you. Please think about your decision. Explain to me how you made your decision. Just to set my mind at rest.

August's Rambling

2005-09-12T20:38:00.000-04:00

It’s certainly been an interesting month so far. Haven’t quite been my usual self. Instead, I took a turn for the worse and I guess friendships suffered because of that. However, things have picked up since then and things are working out fine for now.

An old friend found me on MSN and although there’s a gap between us, I’m enjoying the conversations. I can’t quite place my finger on what’s different but it’s a refreshing change and I welcome that. After all, monotony is never any fun.

My computer’s been giving me problems. Enough to earn me a spot on “Bundar’s” blog. However, I’m not going to worry about it at the moment. Just use it like normal and give it another go after a while.

It’s been interesting. I think my conversations with “Bundar” had slowly dwindled over the years but with the addition of “Sanni” to the picture, they’ve started up again. Of course, there seem to be some unresolved issues that I’m waiting for “Bundar” to bring up. He’s taking his time. I guess I must’ve forgotten to teach him how to speak up during his training sessions.

I went to an amusement park the other day. Had an awesome time mainly because of “Fartsie”. He really made the day memorable for a while. We didn’t take too many photos though so that’s a bummer.

I got to see “Artsie” and “Midas” together again and that’s always great. They might not understand but for me it’s a big deal just because I really cherish friendships that last and the fact that I can say I’ve known them for 13 years is something I’m proud of. It’s not often you know people as great as these two and just because of the fact that I’ve known them for so long, they’ll always be in my “Best Friends” category. So even if people think that my friendship with them isn’t THAT close, I don’t care because these two are special to me and the fact that they’re together makes it even better.

Normally, when someone goes on a sugar-high, they are hyper and energetic for a while which is followed by tiredness. I sort of had a similar experience earlier in the month. Small issues just nagged at me and I got irritated - which as many people can tell you, is not hard – and I just felt that I wanted to take some time out and stay to myself. Of course, that’s not that easy when you have so many people you need to talk to. So, a few people ended up getting the short straw and I guess I hurt them.

Still, I’m fine now and I suppose part of the duty of being a friend is accepting others for who they are and what their flaws are. It also means that you should admit when you’re wrong and make amends.

I don’t know about everyone, but I for one hate leaving issues unresolved. If I know there’s something that I could help out with, I’d want to go out and do that. Even if that issue rose 2 years ago and has pretty much faded.

You know, I don’t say it often enough to them but my parents have always been great. They might often think that I think that they are against me and in retaliation, I argue a lot with them. That could be true but when it boils down to it, I know that they’ve never done anything to hold me back or anything that was not in my best interest. I think there’s hardly been anyone that I’ve talked to who I haven’t told about my parents and how they raised us and how I think the rules they set down for us were the best ones. I even told a lot of my aunts that if the time ever comes that I’ll be raising children, I’ll be using several of the same rules that my parents enforced on us.

It just always felt like they were trying to let us do everything we wanted while letting us know what our cultural values were and where they expected us to draw the line. Everything else was left up to us. I don’t think there could be anything better than that. Extended freedom bounded by sensible rules.

When it comes down to it, I don’t think my parents made any sort of mistake while raising us. They did everything they were expected to do and from our side, we tried to respect and fulfil their expectations. There have been times where we strayed but that’s part of life.

Something that has been nagging me for a while is the fact that more than enough people have criticised my personality. I’m too stubborn and aggressive to everyone whether they are friends or family. What surprised me was that this complaint had stuck around after last year. I thought I had really improved as a person over the past year and that it would show up clearly. In Pakistan, I had a great time and I think I was a really enjoyable person to talk to. Not that I asked the people I was talking with, but I got that impression. Then at the end of it all, I’m told that yet again, I’m just not a pleasant sort of person.

Makes me think whether it’s just towards certain people or whether I’m like that to everyone.

The biggest complaint about my personality is that I’m too blunt. On one hand, some people like that but for the better half, people want me to not speak my mind and if I have to, then sugar-coat my words. That sounds like a horribly reasonable idea. The whole point of softening my words would be so that other people don’t get hurt and resent my words.

I guess that’s a good idea. Be considerate of others which I know I am in many ways. However, when it comes to saying something, I just feel that saying that an apple is an apple is the best way of describing it. Doesn’t leave any room for misunderstandings.

An interesting question that I was asked was whether I had any friends who were close enough to me to tell me that they thought that what I was doing was wrong or tell me that my personality was no good. I thought about it and I said I did have at least one. Turns out, I don’t. Well, unless I go ask that person first. Then again, how often do people go and ask to be criticised? I do have another friend who calls me on anything she believes I’m doing wrong but I don’t get to talk to her too often. That’s always a pity. Too bad I can’t call her every now and then.

I don’t know what I have against opening up. I guess I just don’t see where I’m not doing it. As in, I hardly ever feel like I’m not telling someone the whole story. So what else is there that they want to know that I forgot to mention?

I was asked twice how I was. The first time, I gave the usual answer, “I’m fine”. Second time around, I could tell the person wanted a longer answer. No duh?

Everyone wants to know?

I’m doing great. I really like how I’m living out my life at the moment and even though I have a few regrets that I would love to change, they are in the past and that’s that. I feel like everything I want, I have with me. Why else would I never ask for something from my parents? I like being able to do what I want and more than going out and getting things I may slightly want to have, I like the knowledge that I could buy what I want just like that.

Except for that mood swing, I’m happy most of the time and I can find the humour in almost every thing which is great because it keeps me laughing and that’s what I love the most. I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. It’s my favourite thing. Whenever I talk to someone, I want to say the right things to make both of us laugh.

That’s where my classes come in. I think this could be an interesting semester. Perhaps one of my courses leaves much to be desired and there’s another that looks like it’ll be quite demanding but when it boils down to it. I like 80% of the professors. They are all fun and they are open to me raising my hand and making a wise-crack.

Nothing more pleasing than hearing the whole class laugh at what I said. Like today - My professor was putting up pictures of bad workplaces. Up comes a picture of a Chinese soldier sitting on a small stool and holding up a bi-pod pole at the top of which was a target. Apparently, it’s the shooting range for trainees. My instructor asks, “What’s wrong with this picture?” My hand shoots up! “The stool is too small. The soldier can’t sit down properly. Bad for his body”. Class guffaws, professor laughs heartily. I feel glad inside because I got what I wanted - Laughs. Comedian by nature. I’ll see if I can find that picture and put it up.

That’s pretty much all for now. I haven’t really written this whole-heartedly but felt that I should put one up. After all, I don’t want it to seem like my last thought was in August.

For my next piece, I want to talk about love. And no, don’t start jumping to conclusions. Certain friends of mine seem to believe they can get by without it. I just want to give them an idea of what they’d be missing out on. Not all guys are jerks and not all girls are annoying. Give them a chance.

Revolution!

2005-08-13T20:20:00.000-04:00

Happy Independence Day to my country! 14^th August! Woot!

I think I’ve only blogged twice since I left Canada. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I guess my parents might be relieved. Think I’ve kicked the habit or something. Nope!

I don’t really have anything to say. I’ll see if I can come up with some random topics that have been floating around these days.

It certainly has been a fun vacation. I think quite a lot of interesting developments have come out of it but I guess the most important of them all is that my parents (and maybe I) have realised that I’m not as aloof from the rest of the family as they thought.

I think it’s been a long time since I made the effort of going to each family member and talking to them. One of the best parts about my character is that I can relate to everyone given that they are open to talking. Talking to everyone reminded me that my family’s special especially because I’ve never known another family that is as fun-loving and united as mine. No matter where I went, there was laughter even in the most serious of times. There’s no one in my family who I’d even think of exchanging for someone else.

The past month has been really interesting. I guess the topic might have been given a voice by my birthday but it probably would have come up anyway. My brothers and I are getting older. We’re coming in to our own and soon we’ll be leading our own lives. Our jobs, our families and our houses will be specific to each of us but we’ll still be united through our parents i.e. our blood.

Everyone’s been talking about it. Since the topic of my birthday came up (which I always try not to mention), people have been telling me that we’re all grown up now and that it must be a relief to our parents.

I certainly don’t feel any different. I don’t feel grown-up. In fact, just today, I was trying to watch “The Archies” on TV because I wanted to know what sort of voices each character had so that when I read the comics, my imagination would be complete.

My parents are talking about getting older. About them not having to care for us as much anymore and noticing that they don’t have as many other responsibilities since their kids are picking up the slack… well, one kid. That’s the cycle of life.

They certainly are proud. I mean, they’ve managed to turn out three young men who are all destined for greatness. Well, mediocrity for one of them.

Life’s become pretty simple these days. No complications, no nothing. Some people might disagree and remind me that certain points here and there meant problems could arise. I think even that’s pretty easy to sum up into simplicity. “Sometimes, life doesn’t go as you plan”.

Simple lives have a whole bunch of advantages. Troubles don’t seem so bleak and humour can be found at every corner. There’s way too much humour in this world. A simple person keeps laughing and others keep telling them, “Stop laughing! It’s not funny! This is serious!” That alone is enough to crack me up again.

I’ve always been a sucker for overcoming the odds and continuing on undeterred. I think my favourite question is “If you come to a brick wall barring your path, and you notice a rope ladder and a metal pipe going up the face of the wall, how will you proceed?” My answer is “Break the wall down!” I don’t want that stupid wall there every time I take that path. What about the people who will follow me? I don’t want them to stop following me because I can’t make their paths easier. After all, they are following me because they think that I can help them in their lives. I guess this could be considered “Thinking outside the box”.

I’ve re-affirmed my conviction of going through with Industrial Engineering. Why? Because now I repeatedly see signs that there’s a great future to be had if I can come through the course smelling like roses. It’s a bit late now to bud out like that but I don’t like roses anyway. Two more years – I just need to get a great grade and after that, I have a good chance of getting the future that I want. I guess it’s what my dad’s been trying to make me realise all my life. Study for the first twenty; reap the rewards for the remaining sixty. Just need to focus. That’s the hardest part.

There was a huge debate and lecture session with one of my younger cousins. As some of his eldest cousins, we had to give him advice and guide him. Once again, I found myself spewing out the same old lines that I guess represent the way I treat life.

You need to be confident. So confident that you can state an obvious lie with such conviction that others will doubt the truth. Confidence will call others to follow you. To trust you.

You need to understand that although following society’s guidelines is necessary to get by; being an individual means you don’t stick to everything that’s expected. Again – Think outside the box.

Merge the first two points and you get your third. You cannot argue against the world. You need to be able to back it up with something. Confidence and supporters can help there. Haha, I can see why some might think that I’m stepping into becoming an extremist. However, I’m not leaning towards anarchy. I’m trying to break through stereotypes.

People are stupid. They generalise way too often and then accept those theories as facts. I do it too. I’m sure I do. However, it’s important to realise that there are several exceptions to the generalisations. Depending on how open-minded you are, you can find more proof that you’re wrong.

That’s coming from me. One of the most stubborn people alive. I think what peeves me is that people are afraid to do anything because if their efforts are fruitless, others will shun them or judge them. Their claim: We’re waiting for the right moment.

Am I wrong in thinking that sitting around does nothing and if I remember well, I was really proud of one of my lines “Make your moments”?

It takes people with guts who can get up and make a change to give rise to improvements. Again, these are people who think outside the box that we keep shutting ourselves in.

Boy, I really think I’m sending out the wrong signals. That I’m out for the wrong intentions. So I guess I should stop being so general and become more specific.

Let’s look at a small town. The people have become lazy, illiterate and they aren’t worth two dimes in the opinion of others. This is the general opinion of the town. Notice the word “general”? A word with similar roots – generalisation. Meaning what? It’s not a fact. Meaning what? There could be exceptions. Meaning what? There are people in that town who are active, educated and they are worth their weight in gold. You know what these people need to do? They need to shut up and pretend they are just like the rest. That way, no one will get upset that they are stirring up trouble.

Oh wait… that’s wrong. These people need to make an effort to improve their town. It would be ideal if they work together (which is what governments do, I guess) and they go out into the world to prove that the town they hail from is not full of lazy, illiterate slobs.

I think we need to take advantage of the sheep-like qualities of people. They tend to follow. We also need to do what they want the most. Play up to their pride and laziness. A typical person when told that he is hard-working and overall, a good person will be delighted and continue to do the same. Exceptions – Some people will take that praise to heart and want more. They’ll strive to improve. You tell a person that he’s a miserable slob and that there’s nothing that you’d ever want to do with him. What happens? Well, he won’t like it. But let’s assume that you’re addressing the aforementioned town. You call them a pack of miscreants who should be flogged. They won’t like that. But if the whole world thinks that and the whole world repeatedly tells them that, they will shut up and sit down. No one will do anything. They’ll take the verbal abuse and accept that they are no good. That’s who they are. Acceptance or perhaps… Settlement.

What about the exceptional people? The ones who are from that town but are not willing to take those insults? They want to make a change but since no one else will join them, they sit back down too, dejected at the lack of hope.

I’m losing track of my point. I guess the thing I want to say is that I want the world to be a better place. I want people to stop accepting the current way of life and start looking into ways of improving it.

We need people to think outside of the box and we need people who aren’t afraid of what the rest of the world will say. I mentioned this in one of my previous blogs. It was a joke from “Friends”. When Joey didn’t want to talk about his dream, Chandler said, “What if Martin Luther King had said that? ‘I have a dream … But I don’t want to talk about it’”

Fat load of good speaking out loud did for him. He got shot!

What about the rest of the world? Didn’t he leave it a much better place? Did he back down from all the other attempts on his life? Nope, he plugged on and he got his point across without any violence. He organised sit-ins and protest marches.

Back to my point. I think what I’m most afraid of is that when my time comes to leave this world, I’ll look back and think that I did exactly what I always seem to be against doing – I lived my life just like everyone else. I did nothing to leave the world a better place. I took my place in society and I sat there quietly.

I don’t think there’s any cause out there that I want to join. I don’t want to protest against anything and I don’t want to have sit-ins. I want people to stop being afraid of presenting their ideas and actively joining the quest to improve our lives. Not just their own but everyone’s. Selfish?

I guess people draw lines at the level of impact they want to make on this world. Some are content with making an impact within their families. Some are content on an industrial scale. Some on a local population scale. For me, I think big. These are certainly important areas where one needs to be involved for greater improvement but the areas I want to focus on come in to city impacts, country impacts and the Holy Grail – world impact.

My aim in life? I just told you. To leave the world a better place. Now all I need is a well-chiselled body and a blinding smile. I could be your next Mr. Universe. Move over, Arnold.

How do I plan on doing that? Alone? No. I want people to unite. I want people to realise that just because the whole world considers them slobs, they shouldn’t live like slobs. They shouldn’t settle for being slobs. They shouldn’t let themselves be told what they are. They should make themselves whatever they want to be. They shouldn’t wait for the time to be right. That’s what the whole world lives in the wait of. They want the right moment. Well, it doesn’t come along often, if at all. So, make your darn moment!

Speeches like that are what make me extremist, right? Well, “God loves everyone, but prefers fruit of the Spirit over religious nuts!”

I’m so sure that I’ve left half of my points dangling incomplete.

Life is short. Let’s not dawdle on being so rapt up in our own lives that we forget that once we pass on, how comfortable we made our own lives won’t matter. If you really want to be content when you go to the grave, you should be able to say to yourself that you were able to do everything that you ever wanted while you still walked the green Earth. Quote: “Work for the Lord, the pay isn’t much but the retirement is out of this world”

In my case, I won’t be content with just skydiving, go-karting and scuba diving though they all rank high on my list. Well, done the first two. I won’t be content with seeing the whole world. I won’t be content with understanding different cultures. I’ll be happy once I can say… actually, not me… but others say “He made our lives better”

I’m tired now… I keep losing my point and end up sounding like some fanatical fool. I read my last few blogs and some of them made me realise that I sounded way too serious in them.

This blog? It’s not a huge serious deal for me. It’s a pet peeve, you can say. I’m peeved that people are content to follow. Then again, a leader won’t be a leader if there aren’t any followers. So I guess I’m peeved that people are content with settling.

Imagine a world where everyone was equal. No one country was considered worse than another. Every country had people at the helm who were striving to improve the country with the help of their followers. Sounds ideal, right?

You know why it won’t happen? Because there are too many people in this world who aren’t content until they know that they are superior to others. You know what this could mean though? That these people will move up to the front and put their hands on the “Improvement Train”

Then there are people who don’t want to be helped. They think they don’t need any help and that they are fine the way they are. Well, the next time they catch themselves complaining about something, they should realise that perhaps there is room for improvement, however little.

Then there are people who think that since the whole world is living like this, why should they be any different or yearn for anything else? “Do not think that you are on the right road just because it is a well-beaten path.”

Then there are people who try to step up and make a difference. What happens to them? They get squashed and their spirit is sucked out of them. You know what determination does? It re-inflates them with renewed spirit and vigour.

Then there are people who think to themselves. He’s got no clue as to what he’s talking about. He’s just one person. Well, there was some really cool Chinese proverb that I’m going to proceed to mar now with editions and additions. “Do not think that you are only one in a world of seven billion. Instead, be all that you can be as one.” Now, that was a horrible regurgitation of it but it’ll do. In case you didn’t get it, I said that just because you’re only one person shouldn’t stop you. You’re still capable of doing a lot.

Then there are people who are just naturally evil and will take advantage of other people being naïve. Well, I’m not asking people to dummy up. “Trust in God, but tie up your camel!”

What’s my point? Society’s dumb and not rational. They need a collective logical mind at the forefront. Life better be a much nicer place to live by the time I die or I’ll be pissed!

P.S. Somewhere after a paragraph or two, I completely forgot that I was talking about my little cousin! I moved on to bigger matters!

Men Are From Mars... Women Are From Venus

2005-06-10T19:04:00.000-04:00

A high school friend who I hadn’t talked to in ages described a problem and this was my response. I’m well aware that it is vastly flawed and quite incomplete but at the moment, it was all I could come up with. I’ll welcome corrections and completions.

Basically, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"... There's a match between guys and girls and even though it might seem that the guy is really nice, he's not the right match to your personality (I'm talking about friendships here as well). Sometimes, there might seem to be a fit but there are rough edges. Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle.

My biggest theory is based on the culture here. We're not raised to be expressive of our emotions especially at our ages. That's a big hindrance especially for guys because they are quick to fall in and out of crushes on girls. They don't know how to express themselves to the girl and in most cases, they don't even understand whether they are going about the right way when approaching the girl. Half the time, guys don't manage to become good friends with girls until they hit the late teens. It takes that long for the developments that start from 13 onwards to finally burst forth.

That's where most of the problems start. The guy doesn't know exactly what the girl wants so he's trying really hard and keeps falling flat on his face. So much so, that he begins to think that the best thing for the girl would be if the guy just backed out of the girl's life. Thing is, the guy always feels like he's the one expected to keep the girl interested in being friends with him.

It brings up a few issues. First of all, since it takes forever for the guy to finally get close to the girls, he often misplaces the closeness as liking the girl. He begins to like the girl because he's found a girl that likes him for who he is and pays attention to him. He might even realise that there's not really any romantic connection but that's why humans are irrational.

Two things about guys here... First of all, when a guy thinks that there is a girl who is great friends with him AND he begins to like her, some guys will test the friendship to see if there's any chance of the girl liking him back. In fact, most guys will begin to go out of their way to do things for that girl hoping to improve their chances. As it happens, it turns the girl off (correct me if I'm wrong here) because she begins to think that he's becoming a clingy friend and is cutting into her space. It's just the guy thinking that by being there for her all the time, she'll begin to like him.

The other issue is that seeing how most guys don't understand girls, they can't expect to understand what the girl is going through or thinking. They'll keep tagging along ignorant of small signs that the girl is feeling pressurised.

Whereas most guys can be really nice and friendly, great to trust and dependable, when they begin pushing for the next level, they go about it the wrong way, almost to the point of harassment. They'll plan things and expect results while completely oblivious of what the girl will think.

There are a few problems with girls too. They aren't perfect, you know? Girls tend to mix their signals or hide them, leaving the guy in the dark struggling to find the right path. Basically, it's a shot in the dark that they'll hit the right one. Furthermore, there's a very low chance of recovery from a miss. If the guy messes up, the girl will hold that against him. It's unreasonable of her since she didn't provide a clear sense of direction and still expected results. On the other hand, I guess I could argue that the girl doesn't know what's going through the guy's mind. It's coming down to communication here.

Point being, guys don't know what they are supposed to do. They put way too much thought into trying to get the girl which makes them overlook the simple fact that being themselves was all they needed to be. They try to push the relationship to the next level even in cases where "it's not meant to be".

When they are finally pushed away, they aren't sure how far they are supposed to stand, so they just back away completely and wait for the girl to beckon them closer until she's comfortable with how he stands with respect to her. Every so often, it happens that the guy is still sore from the rejection, so he tries to establish dominance by being abrasive and sarcastic. It's an attempt to make the girl feel small and guilty. That being said, the girl is then expected to make an attempt to patch up the differences.

Amidst the battles, there is the realisation by both parties that the person they thought they knew isn't at all like that. Fact is, they didn't know the person properly until they got close and in most cases, the battle for dominance led to the two overstepping on each other’s boundaries.

It started off with a casual friendship leading to a deeper one. Then the shallowness of our society steps in when the guy feels that he's a stone's throw away from being in a relationship with the girl. He tries the girl and expects positive responses and gets bitter when he's pushed away. Then the battles start and both parties are left clueless as to why exactly they are fighting. It's the lack of communication. We just don't have interplanetary communication skills yet.

Death

2005-05-30T18:55:00.000-04:00

There were times in the past couple of weeks that I had so much to say. However, each time I didn’t because every time I hold something within me, I feel like it’s still very much close to me. It’s my thought and I cherished that. Whenever I talk about something, it loses meaning to me because I guess I begin to think that that opinion is no longer just mine.

I was just watching Bicentennial Man. I didn’t really like the movie the first time but I had this urge to watch it today when I found out that it was coming on the television. I think I missed some vital points of the movie when I saw it before. I guess I was more shallow back then and focused more on what was laid out in front of me.

I think while the movie’s main theme is about a robot discovering humanity, the underlying theme really touched me. The underlying theme was the same as the underlying theme in Roots by Alex Haley. I think that has been one of the best books that I’ve ever read.

It’s all about death in the family as time passes. In Roots, you start off with a young boy and follow him through the years as he grows up. So smoothly, the story switches over to his daughter. You proceed to follow her life and then just like before, you switch over to her son, if I remember correctly.

I’ve completely ignored the main theme of the book but this theme appealed to me so much more. As the years passed, the story jumped to the next generation. Once the jump took place, there would be hardly any mention of the previous generation. It made me really sad to see that happen for I felt that the previous generation couldn’t just be ignored like that. I didn’t like the theme at all. Then I had a talk with my uncle. I think it was the first time that I had a one-on-one intelligent conversation with him. When we talked about this, he just simply stated, “That’s how life is, my son.”

I hate the fact that he’s right.

I mentioned before, when I share a memory, I feel like it’s not purely mine anymore and it loses its value that way. I cherish that conversation with my uncle and even after writing out one of the highlights of the conversation, I still cherish it because it meant that much to me.

I think so far, only one death has meant so much to me. I just don’t want to share it with everyone because it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. I want that! The tears make me feel humbled that I knew such a great person and they are the proof that I still care. Hopefully, by skirting some major details, I won’t lose my attachment to this memory.

I don’t want to be immortal. I want to experience everything and then die while I’m still healthy enough. Being immortal means that I’d live to see all of my cherished ones grow older and die. There are plenty of upsides to living on, but when it comes down to it, the people who mean the most to me will be the family who are with me in this time. I don’t like things like this changing.

I just felt like I had to write something. I’ve just felt a bit cooped up at home. I guess I needed to give my brain some proper exercise.

Blog 'Bout Blogging

2005-05-01T04:39:00.000-04:00

To continue on what I said about blogging, I really do think that it seems to make everything I talk about seem like it’s a big deal to me and that I’m all wound up over it. I guess it must be my style of writing because I know that there can be blogs which aren’t this… dramatic?

So I chose to write about something… I write about pretty much anything that comes to my mind and I have enough material to write about it. It doesn’t mean that it’s a huge ordeal even if it sounds like that. It’d be apparent if it meant a lot to me.

The other thing about my blog is that it seems to make people think that my life is horrible and depressed and who knows what else. It’s really quite not. I’m still a pessimist so I guess I tend to focus on the negatives more than the positives.

If this blog is supposed to represent my way of thinking then I guess I should work on stopping it from depicting my life.

Whatever

2005-04-28T05:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, people try to run away from pain and their troubles. Imagine a linear track. You run into an obstacle which will trouble you and cause you pain. You run away from it. You might have saved yourself from that trouble and pain and ended up taking an easy path. Ultimately, all you’re doing is running back to where you came from. That’ll explain the easy path for the obstacles have already been removed.

You’re not going to get anything for running back because you’ve passed through there and have taken whatever there is to pick up.

There’s no pride in running away. There’s nothing to be gained from it. (I’ll ignore all the minor arguments here. Also, no need to quote the cliché “He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.”) I’m a strong believer in tackling my problems for even if I fail, I’d still like to believe that I gained something.

When you run away, you’re just causing yourself more harm than going through the obstacle would have.

If you’re knowingly headed for a dead end, don’t bother pursuing the path for when you reach the end, you’ll have to turn back and that’s where the pain and suffering lies. When you realised that you were headed for a dead end, you thought to yourself that you’d just deal with the problem when you faced it. That way, you wouldn’t have to turn back right now (I’m linking turning back to pain and troubles). It’s the easy way out. Problem is, when you reach the end, you’ve just set yourself up for loads more pain since you have a longer way to go back.

Life’s not linear. So, imagine when you’re running away from your problem. Running along a straight track, what do you notice? The path splits into several different ones. Now you’re really screwed. All these paths are headed away from the obstacle (beyond which lies progress) but you don’t know where they lead. Enjoy!

Once Man learnt how to continue working after sunset (through the use of fire), they managed to increase their progress rate. That’s the way to go. When you have to wait for the light to return before you can continue, those hours of darkness are simply wasted. Similarly, when you’re running along the track and then you have to wait for something to happen before you can continue, then the time spent waiting is wasted.

Imagine being in a relationship. Now, the two of you are running down the track together. Every now and then, you have to split to take separate paths but you meet up again when the paths rejoin. When one reaches the rendezvous point before the other, the first one has to wait. Time’s being wasted.

Here’s a second train of thought. Perhaps that time isn’t being wasted. Or it’s only being wasted if it’s spent waiting. The time could be spent paving the path to make it easier for other people to run down. Or, it could be spent preparing a nice welcome for your significant other. Then again, you could just spend the time reflecting on the paths you’ve taken. You could slow down and smell the proverbial flowers.

A third one? What am I working towards? Progress will only get me so far. Is the whole concept of perhaps trivialising life into a series of winding paths flawed so profoundly that I need to rethink the whole thing?

It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to just lean back in my chair and stare out the window. Before, I just felt like doing it. Now, I don’t get that feeling. I look out the window but I don’t see anything. I have too many things on my mind all the time now to let me relax and tune out the world. My mother would tell me that I shouldn’t worry about things especially at my age. It’s not worrying about pointless things. My burdens are those imposed by others for every time I get a stable base to experiment with, others tend to disrupt the base.

Two people who’ve been frequenting the tag-board are “Lola” and “Gucci”. I don’t know who these two are. I imagine that they are friends of the person who used to have this URL before and when I took over the site, they stumbled across mine. I’m surprised that they’ve continued to read my thoughts.

In any case, I thought “Lola” was a girl but now there are hints that it’s a He. I always was under the impression that “Gucci” was a girl by the nick. Guys simply aren’t into fashion that much though I know some are. But her style of talking makes me think that it has to be a girl. Especially now, after her heart-rendering speech of 200 characters per tag on the board.

University students perhaps? For a while, I thought that they might be Oriental too, but I’m undecided about that again.

I said girls are clingy. I don’t think I said that they were needy. They certainly don’t need me because I know women are capable of getting along perfectly fine. I like my personal space and maybe someday, I’ll be willing to share it with some girl. However, at the moment, I can’t do that. I need to meet the girl first. She’ll be worth giving up my personal space.

You’re just stereotyping us guys, “Gucci”. We’re not all stinky and hairy. We don’t all walk funny. We don’t all have bloated egos or need to complain about everything. (I am doing a typical guy thing though… getting defenseive).

I, for one, am quite hairless. So are most Oriental men. My friend “Artsie” never stinks. We might walk funny but perhaps that’s just relative to a girl’s way of walking.

I have an ego. However, it’s dormant when I need it to be. I couldn’t care less about what I thought of myself or what other people thought about me. There’s no ego to inflate. Yet, there are many aspects of my thinking that are egotistical. I always imagine myself being a strong person and not needing others to support me. There was a time when I was confident of being able to get by on my own. I suppose I’ve crossed the fine line between confidence and arrogance.

I only make eye contact with girls and my pants fit me nicely, thank you very much!

I wonder if it’s the same case with you as it is with some of my female friends. They said that every guy who’s passed through their life has been a jerk, etc. I wonder what sort of guys they hung out with because I know that the people I call my friends would never be jerks to girls.

I’ve been saying it for a long time that my attitude would drive away everyone (not just girls). My attitude is that of a lone wolf. I keep everyone else away from me but I make sure I’m noticed. Does that sound right? I don’t quite know…

There’s no way that I’ll ever hook up with some blonde cheerleader with blue eyes. I prefer good old-fashioned desi girls. There’s nothing that can ever beat them in my opinion.

How many people know what it’s like to like someone but not know whether they like you back as much? I’m not talking about romance here. Relationships take a back seat to friendships with me. There’s a friend of mine who I trust completely. I’d go to “Friend” for any problem I have and I’d listen to whatever “Friend” would have to say. Yet, I feel that as much as I cherish that friendship, I don’t think “Friend” feels the same. “Friend” doesn’t rely on me and doesn’t confide in me as much as I think “Friend” would with a better friend.

One -> I’m whining about why my friend doesn’t like me more! How sad is that?
Two -> I always push people away and now I’m complaining about why this one isn’t “close”.

Why can’t people just leave things as they are? Why can’t people accept the simple truth instead of burrowing deeper for a reason that is better suited for them?

“Don’t you care, Taab?”
“Not one bit. There’s no point to caring about that.”

Then ensues a long conversation where I’m analysed. Was there something wrong with my answer? I said I don’t care because there’s no point in caring about that thing.

I’m tired… I’ve had enough of people trying to get close to me. There are only a few to whom I’ve given unrestricted passage and when others try to get in, I just push them away.

I make it sound like it’s all about me. That everyone wants to get close to me. I’m that good that everyone wants to be good friends with me. I know that’s not true. It sounds like that, but it’s misleading. I know that at the end of the day, I can count my close friends on one hand and I’ve got enough good friends to know that I’m lucky to have them around.

Everything becomes a big deal here in blogworld. It sounds like everything means so much to me and that I’m so worked up over it. Everything I write here just becomes a huge ordeal. I’d be better off shutting up again.

I’m just trying to lead a simple life. I don’t need people complicating it.

WAH!

2005-04-26T21:45:00.000-04:00

So, I’ve been getting quite a few inquiries as to why I haven’t blogged in a while. I guess the answer to that is obvious. I was having my exams so I couldn’t really bother taking the time out to write about something.

As for the story which some people asked about, I haven’t written any more for a long time. When I took it down, I had written the eighth chapter out but I never posted that. I already have the ending played out in my head. I guess that’s all I wanted. I just needed to write a story for myself and reach the ending. Looks like I don’t need to write it all out to be satisfied. However, I might just finish it off someday just so I have it saved somewhere other than my forgetful brain.

It’s annoying having to just sit on your hands and wait for more information to become available. Is my brother coming to U of T or isn’t he? If he is, I have got to get a two bedroom apartment within a week. If he’s not, then I’ve got to find a place to stay for next year. Chestnut has got its own appeals but I think they’ve lost their allure for me.

Now that I’m done with exams, I have so many things that I should do. I made a list of them but I just can’t seem to go through them. The foremost problem that I’m facing is packing everything up. Every year, I have to buy course books for 10 courses and surprise surprise, the books are fat, useless and very expensive. So now, I’ve got to find a place to keep them. I’ve got a suitcase and one trolley-bag full of just textbooks. Now I’ve got one more suitcase to fit everything else in to. That’s not going to happen. Stupid fat, useless and expensive books!!

You know what else is annoying? Girls! I’m not cut out for relationships. I know that in a relationship, I’m required to be supportive and give time to the girl. I can’t do that. I hate doing that. It’s like torture, being asked to sit and listen to all the various stupid doubts that girls have. Not to mention the little whims. Slightest change to their plans or even a small bump in the road for them is turned into a huge deal. What is wrong with girls?!? Can’t you bloody treat life easily and take the blows?

My air-conditioner’s making noises. Reminds me of girls… “WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH”

Relationships are definitely not for me. I am not willing to put in all that time which I rather spend playing games instead. Yeah, that makes me a computer nerd or whatever. I don’t care one bit! At least, when I play games, I know that it’s for my enjoyment only and I don’t need to worry about entertaining someone else. Especially when that someone else will require my attention and time.

They’re awfully clingy too. Boo-hoo, we haven’t talked in a while. Boo-hoo, when will we talk next? Boo-hoo, we don’t talk enough. Boo-hoo, you don’t seem to care. Boo-hoo, blah blah.

I have no idea why they come to me. I don’t treat them well. I make fun of them. I insult them. Overall, I’m not a nice person to girls and definitely not someone they’d want to talk to more than a few times. Yet, there they are… hoping that they can change me for the better. Overcome my flaws, beat my emotional guards. There they are, believing that deep inside me, there’s someone who cares.

Is it that hard to believe that I don’t really care? Is it that hard to believe that even if there is a side of me that does, I don’t want to let it out yet simply because right now, my focus is not on caring for people but on other things (like studies, perhaps?)

And what the hell happened to letting sleeping dogs lie? Must you poke the bear? Look a gift horse in the mouth? Perform a dental exam on a crocodile? So I showed emotions once. So I showed that I cared a few times. That’s more than enough for them to work on me so that I do it again. Well, here’s a general warning. Keep that up and the next emotion I show will fall under the lines of anger.

Why must people try to change me? Aren’t friends supposed to accept you for who you are and not for what they want you to be? If you see a few things in me that you like and a few things that you hate, then don’t try to change me. Change yourself, you selfish porpoise! Or better yet, go suck an egg! No no, that’s not what I wanted to say. Ah yes, change that to “Or better yet, leave me alone and go find someone else instead!” I do not need more people on my case that I should be a better person!

Jeez! The number of things that make me mad! To think there was a time, when nothing used to bother me. Sigh, it’s just not worth being good friends with girls. They piss you off so much that you begin to complain like them. “WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH”

You know what’s going to happen now? People are going to read this post and either ask me why I’m so angry or if they are girls, ask me what they did.

Hopefully, because I wrote that I expect them to ask, they won’t!

Scar Tissue

2005-04-06T03:44:00.000-04:00

In the past 8 months, I’ve acquired more scars on my body than I have in my lifetime. These may fade with time but they’ll always be there.

Not that I’m a masochist but I enjoy these scars being there. I can look over my body and as my eyes float from one scar to another, I feel challenged.

It feels like I was in a battle and I emerged victorious though not with these reminders that I had to fight hard to get by.

The feeling of being challenged is glorious. You want to rise up to meet the dare and crush it.

Even now, I look at the scar on my forehead, the scars on my arms, the one on my back and I remember the different sorts of pain I felt and who it was that I went to when I got hurt. It says a lot about my dependence on others.

When I got my forehead busted open, I stood out in the driveway with blood pouring to the ground. I had sent my cousin inside to get my mum because I didn’t want to mar the carpets with my blood. Yet, the person who I wanted to come help me was my mum.

When I got the scar on my back, my whole family rallied around me. In the midst of it all, there was my mum. The first person I went to when I felt the pains start. She was the light when I needed help. My father was the star leading me towards independence.

When I got hurt from the car, I went to no one. I went home and I washed my hands and cleansed my arm. That was all I needed.

Injuries everywhere… cuts on my arms and knuckles, scars on my arms, body, legs and face. I never was the clumsy one who got hurt needlessly. I guess all these injuries serve a purpose.

All that’s left is a scar across an eye. A scar to represent how I see what the world’s become? Not really. I just think it’ll look cool.

Et Tu Brute?

2005-04-06T03:04:00.000-04:00

The greatest fall to your knees happens at the hands of your friends.

Heh, was just watching Alexander so I felt a bit dramatic.

Why??

2005-03-30T18:09:00.000-05:00

So, there are three people who I like talking to. Three people whose friendship I cherish above all else. What would be the best thing for me to do? Hold on tight to those three people and pray that maybe… just maybe… I’ll be friends with them for as long as I live.

Apparently, that’s not what I do. I told the newest member of that elite group that I couldn’t talk to her anymore. Smart move, wasn’t it?

Now I’m going to regret that for months to come. I just love doing the right thing.

This Is A Story About A Girl

2005-02-24T19:27:00.000-05:00

Alright, let’s talk about “Sugar”. I haven’t described her at all to anyone. Now I’m sure she’s going to be disappointed by this since she’s already read all this and probably wanted to hear me say other things about her, but I’ve really said everything I think about her though I might have a few additions at the end and a few editions here and there. So here goes:

Alright, what do I have to say about this filly? She’s feisty, I’ll give her that! She’s got a lot of spunk in her. You just have to love her sense of sarcasm! Too bad she and I haven’t unleashed our insults on each other yet. Yet, we’re such good friends that we don’t make fun of each other.

I’ve known her off and on for a long time now. I don’t remember completely what she was like before but I remember I made a lot of fun of her. Now, I sing a different note of the same song. I still make fun of her but she’s an awesome person! AWESOME (inside joke)! In stature, she hasn’t grown much since I last knew her but her heart just got a lot bigger (and her hair a lot longer). Too sappy? There’s still not much that I can say about her but she strikes me as a gal who can be trusted. She can be my lifeguard partner anytime!

“Sugar’s” got this aura about her that just makes people want to trust her and come to her with their problems. I’m not the only one who has noticed this. She’s got this way of listening and making the conversation about you. It just makes you feel important and remind you that there are people in the world who love you for who you are.

I often see her cheery side. The care-free one who has an optimistic outlook on life (even though she would like us to believe otherwise). I know that she’s got her mood swings but whenever the time comes, I shall be one of the many lining up to cheer her up.

My biggest question would be… WHY is she still single????

There’s something about this girl that makes a friendship with her a new adventure everyday.

Every time I talk to her, our conversations are smooth and they’re just something that I’ve come to look forward to. She’s one of the few people who I actually enjoy talking to.

Since we started talking, she and I have come a long way and I have to say that she’s definitely an extraordinary person who always brings something new to the lives of others.

There are so many things about her that I could spend hours talking about. But all of her friends already know the good things about her for she is always there for them.
There’s an appeal about her that makes people think that with her, they are on top of the world and without her, they’re just waiting for her to light up their world.

I think I’ve finally come to see many different sides of “Sugar” and each side just seems so interesting that I could spend a lifetime getting to know her completely.

Her personality has got its own cute quirks. The way she seems to pout and moan about the most trivial of problems and gets all upset if we don’t manage to talk regularly is really amusing and just makes me want to put my arm around her and tell her “Grow up!” She’ll probably end up just sticking her tongue out at me because she’s got childish impulses which are really nice to watch.

So yeah, that’s “Sugar” in my eyes. How does she sound?

Metamorphosis

2005-02-20T01:51:00.000-05:00

I’ve definitely changed over the past few weeks and it hasn’t been for the good. Most of my principles have gone out the window because I just realised that they were either holding me back from having fun or were just useless to have around.

So, I’m more carefree than I was before but is that a good thing? Isn’t being careful an advantage so that you don’t make mistakes? Whatever, a life of drudgery and planned executions is not what I want anyway.

It’s amusing to see over the past few days how people have been making all these assumptions about who I am and making claims that they know what I’d do and what I won’t. They don’t know what I can do and what I can’t. I don’t know myself how far I’m willing to go.

I’m talking to “Newbie” over MSN and he’s convinced that it’s not me because I just won’t talk like the way I talked that day.

I’m talking to a cousin. “Tell me, you have known me since when?” I had to prove to him that it was really me.

Well, I guess it’s really a matter of not hiding who I really am anymore. When you lower the fake world that you’ve put up because of rules and principles, you emerge as a completely different person and I guess people will just have to learn to cope with that.

It’s not like it’s a bad thing… I can enjoy myself more now without worrying whether I’d be breaking my own rules or something. Along with the rules going out the window, a crack has formed for something else to come back and reunite with me. Emotions. I guess now that I’m not thinking about following my rules to a T, I can begin to enjoy being with friends, enjoy talking to people, be happy, sad, scared, excited and perhaps even love.

So yeah… I’m a different person in reality. Forget everything you thought you knew about me and then come talk to me. Perhaps you won’t like the new me and you’ll bugger off because I don’t need people like you around anyway. There are plenty of new people I can meet who will like who I really am.

Cynicism is a powerful thing. Use it wisely. Take everything with a pinch of salt and eventually, everything that comes your way will taste sweet.

Ode Recess Part II

2005-02-06T02:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, I haven’t written anything down here in a while and some people have mentioned that fact to me. It’s just that I don’t want to talk about philosophical stuff nor do I want to talk about how my days pass. So, I tried writing a few poems and I only came up with one. I wrote another one on “Comfort” but it didn’t come out right because the rhyming scheme is off and the poem almost has a song-like feel about it. So I’m going to work on that a bit more before I publish it.

A lot has happened since my last entry. It’s like… everything I said before is crap and that I’m really not the same sort of person I used to think I was. However, it’s all good because I’m showing a lot more emotions than before and I’m showing more flaws. I always said that I would never do anything on impulse and that I always end up doing what I thought I would do in a certain situation. Well, turns out, there are always scenarios which you have not thought of where the only thing you can do is act impulsively.

Turns out that’s not a bad thing.

So, yeah, I’m a lot more fun-loving these days. There’s not much fun to come by but I’m still always on the lookout to have fun.

Ok, I mentioned “Newbie’s” friend a while back and I was kind of mean in the way I brushed off naming her simply because I didn’t think I would be mentioning her often. Didn’t think she would be a major person in my life in the days to come. So, she definitely deserves her own nickname. It’s kind of hard to come up with one because I don’t know which facet of her persona I should use to portray her image. For now, I think I’ll call her “Gassy” even though that’s not as flattering a term as the one she really deserves. I was considering call her “Davidoff” but that sounds too manly. I’ll get her opinion on “Gassy” and then see what to do afterwards.

Well, not surprising but she doesn’t like “Gassy”. So, we’ve decided that for now, she’ll be “Cool Water”. Makes her sound like a native Indian, but it’ll do.

I keep coming back to the Our Lady Peace song “Not Enough”. I still listen to it daily and nowadays, whenever I think of that something is “Not Enough”, the song comes to mind. Right now, the thought that went through my mind was education. It’s never enough what you’ve done. I thought high school was an achievement. Not Enough. I thought a university degree would mean something. Still Not Enough. A master’s degree. Now you’re getting somewhere.

Again, it’s the challenge. You’re being challenged to be the best you can be. Honestly, that’s a pathetic way to live because I would much rather love to live a casual life such as a coffee shop owner in a nice town. Yet, I’m sure that I wouldn’t have spent two or three years there before I’ll start turning my eyes towards expanding into cities.

What I would really love it to go into outer space. Just spend years and years of my life exploring other planets. Of course, that’s still something beyond human capability.

But back to me as a person. I’m in a good mood right now. It’s not like those nirvana states that I’ve often mentioned but it’s just one where I’m just happy. There’s a lot of work to do but whoopee! There’s always work to be done and I know I’m on top of it all. There are obligations to fulfil but I’m actually looking forward to making those.

It all comes down to doing what you want. When you do what you want, you enjoy it. I’m enjoying being at residence these days because there’s almost always someone here who I can hang out with. There’s always someone in my classes who I can hang out with. There’s always work to be done but it’s not a burden doing it anymore because I can do them with friends. In the lack of family presence, friends have taken it upon themselves to come together and try and fill the huge void as much as they can.

It’s a lot easier to trust my friends this year. Last year, I can’t say I completely trusted all of them. This year, the number has tripled. I feel like I can talk to them about my problems more openly. Thank goodness that I don’t have problems.

Last year, we were all having a blast. Couldn’t get enough of hanging out every night. I guess that was because we lived a decent distance from each other. However, we moved closer and now poof! It’s like a glass ball. It’s nice to hold something so beautiful but if you try to hold it too tight, it shatters.

Friends try to get too close and they end up splitting up even more. What a pity. Yet, we still meet almost everyday because we’re that sort of people. We’re friends who are brothers when family is absent. We’re the Kings of Floor 12 soon to be Princes of the Universe!

Ode Recess

2005-01-21T19:52:00.000-05:00

It struck me that I never actually talked about the wrestling event that I attended. It’s definitely something that I want to remember and I guess this would be a good way, seeing how it’ll help me recall the experience if I can read what I felt at the time.

The show itself was alright. Being there was an awesome experience though. Sure, I’ve been to a live event before but firstly it wasn’t televised like this one. Seeing myself appearing on the big screen repeatedly kind of lost its charm after a few minutes but it was still pretty cool knowing that I was getting air time. On a separate note, I looked pretty good on the telly. Definitely a good looker!!

The highlight of the night would probably be getting really close to a few of the wrestlers. Randy Orton and Chris Jericho!! Woo-hoo! Shook hands with the two of them. That was unbelievable. Took a lot of pictures but they didn’t come out as well as I hoped. Still, I remember a lot of what happened. Plus, if I get a recording of that episode, the memory will live on!

A friend of “Newbie”, who I won’t bother naming since I don’t know whether she’ll appear often in my works, was going through my song collection and she just happened to play a few choice songs that I use to listen to when I was in England.

I don’t really have that many memories related to listening to those songs except that I probably heard them when my family used to be out on our long drives. Just listening to those songs brings back strong feelings. No memories, just feelings of nostalgia of a time when there never seemed to be a care in the world. Ah, childhood! How you’ve passed me by so quickly. I couldn’t wait to grow up and now I wish I could relive my childhood. It just ended such a short time ago.

To be a kid again… haha, I’m saying that well before my time. Back to the poems!

Family

2005-01-15T01:50:00.000-05:00

I passed by a man on the street
His head was hung low
His spirit seemed beat
Until his face began to glow
As his kid came to him
And his problems grew dim

Times like these make you think
Think of the people you left behind
The ones who share a blood link
The ones with whom you bind

The faces of my brothers came to mind
Like a torch shining in the night
Memories of all the good times
Even when we used to fight

My parents followed thereafter
Their scolding voice was heard
And then came their laughter
Sweeter than a song by a bird

Memories like these had faded
My mind had begun to change
And my judgement had become jaded
My actions had become strange

These are the people behind me
They are the source of my life
They are the ones who keep me happy
Until along shall come my wife

The "Jackass" Strikes Back!

2005-01-15T01:05:00.000-05:00

It’s an interesting experience getting hit by a car… I definitely recommend it to everyone.

For those few seconds before and after, things go quite differently. As soon as I got hit, I probably only slid across the hood for a split second but that was enough time for me to brace myself for the fall on to the asphalt. I remember being tossed about but everything was moving so fast that I didn’t see myself slide off. I still got my hands up after I rolled off the hood and skidded across the road.

That’s not the interesting part. It’s how fast you can think when you need to. It’s also how you seem to take in so much instantly. I noticed a car which WAS actually obeying the traffic light right along the road where I got hit. What’s more interesting is that I kind of saw me getting hit and rolling off from the point of view of the car driver. Still, nothing I would consider an out-of-body or even a near-death experience. None of that crap.

Right after I landed, the first thing I did was look at the pedestrian signal to confirm whether I did in fact have the right of way. In the same glance, I noticed a few other cars stopped at the intersection, I saw a paramedic van and I saw that I was in the hospital area anyway. That was in one glance. Almost instantly, I’m back up on my feet and I’m walking to where the car is.

It’s just amazing how fast you can think when it’s needed.

Now, the ire of “Jackass” was unsheathed. I’m not letting a car hit me without hitting it back. So, I got a couple of sponsors today to pay the fee (all proceeds go to charity, of course) and I walk up to a car that was meant to be trashed by engineers.

“Pick a weapon of your choice but don’t hit yourself with it”, said the guy in charge. Haha, I’m not taking any stupid weapon. Open the stupid door and I’m going to ram it. Fine! Since you insist, I’ll find a hardhat.

People are watching this idiot with a hardhat whereas none of the previous people had needed one. This guy really is an idiot. He hasn’t even got a weapon. Ok, he just opened the door and walked away. Wait… he stopped. He’s turning. Now he’s running at the door. Oh-kay, don’t know what he’s planning… ouch! He just tackled the door and smashed through it. This guy’s crazy.

Correction! This guy is “Jackass”. I shall take my revenge on cars and although I didn’t manage to break off the door, I did manage to bend it with my efforts.

So, compared to the day I got hit, car-smash day was a lot of fun. I had fun pretty much all throughout the day.

I would breathe a sigh of content, but I have a few poems to write. I’ll get cracking on them until I feel sleepy.

Hi! My Name Is... What? My Name Is...

2005-01-13T21:22:00.000-05:00

I’m not a teapot
Short and stout
My name is Ice Hot
Cold up north, hot down south

Creativity Drain

2005-01-13T01:07:00.000-05:00

I’m not going to be dealing with too much philosophical stuff these days since I possibly become too thoughtful and get distracted from my studies. So, I need an outlet for my creative skills and a way of giving my mind a leisurely stroll every now and then. I have a request to make of anyone who visits this site.

Until I resume my old ways of blogging, I want all my readers (friends, family and casual readers) to give me a topic from which I’ll come up with a poem or a story depending on which one the reader asks for.

Don’t scoff… really, I want your topics. Just try to keep them decent and give me a topic on which it’s possible to write on.

However, the first two topics on which I want to write poems are “Family” and “Friends” since I do have ideas on what I want to say in those.

Don’t let that stop you from tagging me with your topics.

Arranged Thoughts

2005-01-09T02:50:00.000-05:00

Well, before I get on to the main topic, I guess I should introduce a new character. She should have been brought into my topics so long ago but hey, better late than never, right?

Cue for “Sugar”. Some will get confused and think that I’ve already talked about her before. That was “Sabbi”. “Sugar” is “Sabbi’s” cousin who I’ve talked to quite often over the past few months. I’ve become good friends with her and it is not rare to look at my computer screen when I’m chatting and see a window open with her. So, “Sugar” does provide a new sort of fun compared to all the other people I enjoy talking to. Well, I could probably say a lot about her too but right now, she’s the source of my newest thought so I thought I’d mention her before moving on.

Ok, so we were discussing arranged marriages and contrary to the way a lot of western people think, neither of us are against it. Sure, we wouldn’t like to be stuck with someone we don’t even know for the rest of our lives, but then again, our parents are the ones choosing the partner. Our parents have always looked out for us and they’re not going to pick someone for us who they know we won’t like.

Sometimes I want to let my mum pick for me without questioning her motive. I feel I owe her so much that the least I could do is lay down my life in front of her and let her decide how I spend the rest of my life. I’m not asking her to make my life but I’m offering my life as a gift for what she’s helped it become. She’s already done so much to help me become who I am as a person, that it’ll be a nice way of saying that I believe in her opinion and that I trust her to make the right decision.

So, my grades haven’t been all that good. I need to make a change. To put it crudely, ‘Enough of this philosophical crap and let’s get settled back down in the real world’. I’ve got work to do and it’s going to be fun to be done with it.

Quickie

2005-01-05T01:34:00.000-05:00

I had a half-hour before I was planning on lying down so out of a lack of activities for me to do, I randomly chose a blog of mine to read. It just so happened that I chose one of the longest (if not the longest) ones that I’ve written. It was pretty interesting for me to read through it. It’s titled “Recent Thou… Complaints”. I wrote it this past summer when I was in Dubai.

It was refreshing to gain a fresh aspect in to my different sides. Reading through, I could relate to what I talked about back then, but I don’t think the same way I did then. I liked the several humorous comments that are subtly placed here and there. It was amusing reading how I described my thoughts and the funny sentences accompanying them.

I also got a glimpse of my ruthless side. I realised that I used to be pretty harsh and unfair. Perhaps I had not thought through the whole matter before commenting on it but even though I feel that I would have thought the same way, I would been more ‘diluted’ in my words.

I’m sure that I haven’t changed much since then but it’s not like that matters. I’m not regretting who I was in the past for it’s helped define who I am in the present and the same holds true for the future.

I’m still running high on my beliefs that I shall become successful and all, but… but… I’m going to first conquer my pessimism.

The reason I’m called a pessimist is because I point out the negative side in things. I call myself a realist because I’m pointing out the other side of the story. Usually, the other person is quick to list the positive aspects so I’m normally left with the dirty job of reminding them of the liabilities. Give me a chance and I shall be the one to list the good points.

I’m a dreamer. After a long time, I’m going to take my dreams out of the closet and re-examine them. Perhaps, they were placed in the closet because they weren’t what I wanted in the first place .

Perhaps, I just wasn’t ready to go after them.

I’m ready.

Return Of The King!

2005-01-02T13:46:00.000-05:00

Ribena! A taste of England. I’ve missed that drink. It’s just soooo good.

My winter vacations have passed really busily. Now that they are over, I feel they were too short but when I was getting on the airplane to return to Toronto, it seemed like I had been in Pakistan for more than just 9 days.

Funny! When I thought I wasn’t going, I sent a wedding card and expected it to arrive around the day of the wedding. Turned out, I got there before my card. Not only that, I left before it arrived too. It arrived the day I got back. Just like this summer where I had everyone abuzz with a nice poem about being home and being with family that I wrote on the day I was leaving Karachi, I’ve got everyone talking about something else that came up once I left Karachi. I’m all about making impacts, it seems.

I think one of the main reasons why my parents wanted me there was because they know that in Pakistan, I’m a much better person and not as psychotic. It just seemed like they strove to get me there and it almost seemed like I had quite a few family members who appeared too overjoyed that I was there. I’m all about popularity, it seems.

Everyone keeps joking about how I’ve hooked up and it’s pretty funny watching them try to make fun of me. I actually like hearing all the rumours and stuff that have started up. It’s amusing to see what they think.

I realised that I’m restricted in my blogs since my parents read this and that means that I can’t talk about every single thing that goes through my mind. I know that every parent tells their kid that the kid can discuss any topic at all with the parent. Well, we all know that’s not true and there are always things you can’t tell your parents.

On that note, I need to tell my parents that I’m not talking about depressing thoughts that I know will really send you off the edge but just about other random things most of which are pretty happy thoughts.

“Fartsie” mentioned that all of us seem to be getting so philosophical. As far as I’m aware, the only blog sites that he visits would be mine and “Banana Man’s”. For some reason, I have the impression that people consider philosophical thoughts to be depressing stuff.

Philosophy is quite an interesting topic and I can say that I really like thinking about different sort of things. I’m not looking for anything specific and am not trying to figure out something special. For me, it all boils down to just thinking about the smaller things in life and simply pondering over them. There’s nothing depressing, nothing pleasing, nothing suicidal or euphoric about that. I’m a thinker… nothing wrong with that, right?

I’m not looking forward to the new semester. Like many others, I’m sick of U of T and I want a change. Life in Karachi seems so much better but perhaps that’s because for the past few years, I’ve only been sampling the best of it. I know that life in Toronto is great and that I can have a blast here. If only I could find the time to do that all. I need to organise my time a lot better if I want to enjoy my stay here. But when the university expects 26 hours of work over the weekend, there’s barely any room for enjoyment even if I don’t work for 26 hours.

I wouldn’t mind leaving U of T but so many different things will keep me here. I’m almost done with 2nd year and that would leave 2 more years. I’m not giving up now especially since I’m expecting an improvement for this year. I see so much potential for enjoying what I do if only I can get past the stupid paperwork and into more practical work. I have to wait for my passport time. But I know for sure that as soon as I get my degree (Inshallah), I’m headed straight for Pakistan. Hopefully, by then I’ll have my passport so I won’t need to worry about coming back here. Like I said, life here can be great but that’s not how my life is here.

So, we’re all depressed and we all hate U of T. What next? Nothing. We’re all going to go into the new semester with resolves to work harder and make sure that our grades are good. At the end, we’re going to graduate and we’re going to forget our bad memories of this place and even though we’ll call it a hell-hole, we’re going to tell other people about all the fun we managed to squeeze out of this place.

It’s quite pathetic being depressed about things. Pathetic things piss me off. I’ve become a pathetic person especially over the past few months but it’s like there’s this smug smile on the inside that I know I’m a great person and that I’ll be coming out of all this smelling like an Axe Deodorant.

I’m a pessimist. Whatever… at the end, I’m going to be smiling, I’m going to be tingling with expectation and I’m going to be the candle that lights up the darkness surrounding others. At the end, I’m going to be the great person which so many other people think I am. I’m not working towards being that person because that’s the person other people expect of me. I’m working towards letting that person out of me.

It all boils down to desire. Remember my blog on desire? Let me post it here for you. And no people! It’s not a poem. Just a bunch of paired sentences.

I want to die with honour, not live in shame
To take my downs and drag them up

I want to know my friends
Know how to help them be happy

There’s a desire to be successful
I want to have desires

I want to be known, not for money and fame
But known for being there

I need to care for things that matter
Yet nothing matters

People live for the world
I want the world to live for me

They say live for the moment
I say make your moment

If there’s no way out of your problems
Make a way

I don’t want to conform and follow
I want to be unique and lead

I don’t want the title of a Hero
Yet I want the satisfaction of doing good

I want to succeed for those who believe in me
I want to succeed to show those who don’t

I want to fill the void in the heart of another
Not with despair or love but with the knowledge of being loved

I want to go out and do these things
Yet it would mean doing the same thing I do everyday.

That’s the sort of person I am. The ones closest to me say I have issues and that I’m all messed up in the head. They say I’m a hermit and a pessimist and that I’m depressed. The ones closest to me are there because they saw the real me. The one that made them get close in the first place. They are there because I’m the sort of person that attracts friendship.

“Sis” gave me a few presents when I was leaving Dubai. One of them has this quote on it:

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today the way you are”

The last part is really accurate. There are a few who I can say have really accepted my mood over the past year or two with the blink of an eye and have waited patiently through all my outbursts (even the ones directed at them) so that when I emerge from the valleys, I can rejoin them at the top of the mountains to once more smile down upon the kingdoms of our lives. Those friends of mine know who they are and let me say this

“My brothers and sisters. I’m coming back! Until that day, when we meet once again, guide me with your shining light as I navigate the perils of this valley. Once again, come to my aid as I drive BACK the forces of darkness”

How’s that for a speech?

Enlivened

2004-12-17T20:57:00.000-05:00

I’ve finally been able to talk to “Puff” after a long time. It’s amazing being able to do that again after such a long hiatus. She definitely brings out a softer side in me which is what I think everyone else is looking for as well. So no matter what other people might say about my friendship with her, I think no one can deny that she’s definitely a good influence.

Something that went through my head as I talked to her reminded me of the movie “I Robot”. At the time of the movie, I didn’t think much of it though it was a novel concept but after talking to “Puff”, it struck me again. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of finding the answer; it’s asking the right question. Asking the right question can open up the door to the best answers (The examiners at U of T would do well to learn this lesson!)

I’m not sure what it is that people try to attain when they ‘search for the answers’. I’m not sure what it is that “Banana Man” is looking for but he talks about his search so often in his blog, that I honestly believe that there is something to attain and that hopefully he’ll reach it. Whether or not the result will be worth the effort is not relevant… it’s the journey itself that amounts to a result.

I think that before I should even attempt to comprehend any hints or clues to the ‘answer’, I need to understand the question and that will guide me to learning what it really is that I want answered. So, I’m no longer looking for the answer. I’m looking for the question. “That… is the right question.”

Yet, to act on such ideas is not something too appealing to me since it is too philosophic and I rather take life as it comes instead of understanding it. It all goes hand-in-hand with my hatred of routine.

For as long as I do not understand life, I remain under the impression that every day brings something new (if I remove the rigours of university life, that is). Isn’t that what living is all about? Taking things as they come.

“Powerpuff” mentioned that it’s funny how we associate songs with certain periods of our lives. I don’t completely agree with that but there are songs for every occasion so I would quantify her remark by saying that we associate songs with certain events/moods in our lives. There is a difference.

For me, one song that stands out above all others is “Our Lady Peace – Not Enough”. Right now, I’m listening to “Audioslave – I Am The Highway” and I think it’s also pretty suitable but it doesn’t move me as much as the first song.

When they say
you're not that strong
Well you're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

It’s a big confidence booster for me for I’ve felt kind of down for the past month and it’s felt like an uphill struggle all this time. The song picks up at the right places and it’s sombre at the right places. Definitely ranks high up on my favourite songs. Then, there are the other two ever present songs “Black Lab – Gates of the Country” and “Pennywise – Instrumental”. All these songs either have the idea of a sole person fighting the odds or simply the music inspires hope.

Then again, when a person really tries, many things can ‘suit the situation’.

I’m finally free from university life and an unexpected surprise would be if I can really make it to Karachi for a wedding.

No matter how unemotional the person, there is always a stimulant that will stir the feelings of the person. The stimulant will cause such turmoil that certain emotions will rise and take precedence over all others. The effects will be a shiver running through the person’s body causing more sensation in that one moment than in recent memory. The capture of that single moment will lead to greater things and eventually the person will break his bindings to become human.

If you feel like you can associate with what I just said and a tingle really did run through your body, then it looks like my writing is more impressionable than I thought!

Relevant Revelations

2004-12-12T04:03:00.000-05:00

Culture plays such a big role in our lives. It defines who we are and who we turn out to be. Culture is a big limitation but it also goes a long way in differentiating us from other cultures. Since I’m from Pakistan, my mannerisms and my thinking are so different from the people of other cultures here. So my culture makes me different from the others, in that sense. However, with other Desis, I’m no different. That’s where personal experience makes me different.

My culture frowns upon relationships and encourages marriage. So, I can’t find the right person for myself since I can’t find be in a relationship to find out which girl I’m compatible with. However, if I’m never going to be in a relationship, I’ll have to rely on my parents to marry me off.

Yet, here is where my mind wanders. Do I need to get married? Why do I need to conform to everyone’s expectations? It’s taken for granted that we’re to marry and even though I’m happy for all those who do, I sometimes wonder whether it’s something that I’m suited for.

My desire to stand aside from the crowd could be a major factor why I want to shun routine and now, marriage. I don’t want to get married because people expect me to. I don’t want to get married because there’s no one who holds a special place in my heart. So, I’ll be asking my parents not to marry me off since I’m not a willing candidate for marriage. That’s not going to change unless I find someone. Someone who I’ll want to be with so much that she’ll change my stubborn mind. That’s asking for a lot. Yet, I can’t find that person since relationships are a no-no.

Ego is a curious thing. I’m a very arrogant person and yet when it matters, I never find anything good to say about myself. I have doubts. I have so many sides to my character that they all pick away at each other until all that is left of me is one big fault. To me, it’s never about finding someone suitable for me. It’s more about finding someone I’m suitable for.

So… I can expect words from others saying that that’s not true and that I’m a fine human being. Words that are meant to be comforting. Yet I don’t like relying on others when I can deal with my problems on my own.

Perhaps that’s why my life is a mess. I didn’t rely on others to help me solve my problems and now all my problems have accumulated ruining my life. Now that I think about it, I think I enjoy having so many problems since they give me something to think about and discover more aspects of life.

I need to clarify something… Half of the people who read this think that I’ve gone psycho and need help. I don’t really. My life is not really as screwed up as it appears to be in this blog. I think that it’s useful being able to explore all these different thoughts inside me. So, for those who care, no need to worry about me.

Even though I should spend my life focusing more on the physical world, I think that balancing the two worlds out in my mind completes life. So, I spend all of my days and most of my nights engulfed in studying and preparing for the future while I spend some nights thinking about so many different things.

I am an eternal pessimist as “Puff” has pointed out. I don’t deny that at all. With this attitude, I approach everything in a negative way. However, I know that my final thoughts on any matter are more realistic with little bias in either direction.

Yeah, I still find annoyances and complaints about everything. Yet, just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. That I have a mind willing to entertain all different thoughts and enrich itself is pretty cool.

I can think about life in all its glory but also focus on the nitty-gritty stuff and find a whole new world of ideals there.

Unlike some people, it’s not about finding out who I am. It’s more about finding out what life’s all about. The meaning of life, perhaps? We all know I’m not that cliché.

So Pissed!

2004-12-10T02:41:00.000-05:00

I’m so tired of people complaining about everything. I do it a lot too, however I’ve limited myself to doing it here only.

There’s a girl on my floor who complains about everything on her MSN nickname. She’s psycho anyway.

It snows one day… ONE DAY!!! and people start whining about how the weather is horrible and that the sun should come back! SHUT UP!!!! Just enjoy the weather! Or look on the bright side! At least the snow and the cold help you appreciate the sun even more. It rains the next day… what do people do? They start complaining about the weather!

What really pisses me off is when people complain about something in private but will never confront their problem. Person A (who I shall refer to as dumbass) is having a conversation with Person B. Dumbass doesn’t like talking to Person B yet he won’t say anything so he’ll smile and bear with Person B.

Oh, hinting that something is wrong does not count!! If you have something to say, say it clearly. Why must you play stupid guessing games? “Something may be wrong. I’m not going to say exactly what, but I’m sure you can figure it out”. GET OUT OF MY FACE! You think I have time to think about what the hell you have a problem with? Sure, if you ask for my help, I’ll help you out if I can but I’m not going to put in so much effort that not only do I first figure out what’s wrong but then I go on to help you with it.

Let’s expand the topic to a group. If you don’t find the conversations interesting, then why sit and listen? Just get up and leave! Don’t waste your time and then later complain!

There were times that I felt that I was only sitting around because it was important for one to socialise and because I felt that I could probably enjoy myself. Yet, is that really the right reason for me to sit there? For the sake of an ‘experiment’?

So, I’ve become a loner this year. I have gone out a total of three times (to my recollection). I have not spent more than 2 hours sitting around with others and doing absolutely nothing but messing around.

If I have a problem with someone, I don’t like to talk it over. I rather fight. I have that much testosterone running through my body. I don’t care who wins but I’ll be a lot happier knowing that I did something about it at least, unlike EVERY SINGLE LOSER IN THE WORLD WHO IS BEING A WUSS! Talking it over is probably a better alternative but I don’t care. A fight has finality about it. It’ll hang over the relationship eternally and it’ll just help the two of us forget about each other.

In this case, this person’s got a problem but he won’t come out with it. What’s the matter? Afraid? You rather wait till it all boils over and then everything bursts suddenly? That’s fine with me because you’re the one it’s eating up. Except in my current mood, I couldn’t give a dime about you and your problems except when you get under my skin. Then, I’m going to be another one of your problems because I’m always ready to go at it. So, GET A LITTLE SPUNK AND DO SOMETHING. I’m begging you! You’ve got two choices.

1) You can continue to be a wuss and not say anything
2) You can say something and that will result in one of two things happening
a. I won’t like it and am going to burn you
b. I’ll put aside my rage and listen to you

Now I’m going to get messages from my parents about how I shouldn’t be talking like this and that rage isn’t a good thing. Probably a few lines in there about how things like this affect my grades and that I should move out of residence come this new semester.

I really don’t care anymore. I’m sick and tired of studying all the time and getting average grades. I’m tired of working hard and then being told repeatedly that it’s not good enough and that I should find out why. I’m tired of having the same routine day in and day out because there’s no room for me to enjoy myself. I’m tired of trying to find humour in the smallest of things because the small chuckles aren’t worth the effort.

I’ve done what I can to improve my present and future life. It’s all crashed down again so I’m not going to bother starting again. Once this semester ends, I’m going to take a long break and forget everything. After that, I’m going to live the way I want to.

Yet, when the time comes, I’m going to go back to doing the exact same thing as before. I’m going to spend all day studying, I’m not going to go out and when my grades come out, once again, they’ll show that my efforts are worthless.

Reversion

2004-11-28T01:20:00.000-05:00

I would like to say that I saw this coming but that would mean that I would finalise the reversion back to my old state of mind with which I started off this blog.

I mentioned a long time ago that I would often be able to predict the occurrence of an event but would not lift a finger to stop it from taking place possibly because I wanted to see whether I would be right or not. In the same way, I feel that I haven’t tried anything to stop this event from happening. However, I think that it wasn’t up to me to do anything in the first place.

It sounds like I’m stating “As long as I don’t say it, my mind doesn’t believe it”. That sounds like something “Fartsie” would say in his current state of mind. I don’t buy that though. My mind knows that I’ve finally come round a full circle and ended up with the same personality which my blogs showed at the start.

Determinego

2004-11-17T15:25:00.000-05:00

I’m not as confrontational as I used to be because it doesn’t normally get me places when I’m arguing against brick walls. That’s normally the feeling that others get when they argue with me. They just can’t break my stubbornness or get through to me.

I’m still really confrontational and I just feel a lack of pep in life these days. I could just as well stir up some excitement but confronting everything. It’s sort of like standing on the road under a red light and daring the oncoming car to just try and run you down.

I’m that sort of person. I can do things others won’t dare to try just because I can. It’s the small things like this that provide a small break from routine. The highlight of my day on Monday was visiting a travel agent. That was my break from routine. That was the only break over the past few weeks.

I’m so against routine because I don’t want to be limited. It’s the same thing in studies. I know I’m in over my head with engineering but the only reason I don’t want to give it up is because if I do, then I’ll know that there IS a limit to how far I can go. As long as I can overcome every obstacle that I come to, I have the arrogance complex where I can do whatever I put my mind to. If I admit loss to one obstacle, then I’m already limiting myself. That’s just something I don’t want.

I look back and I think that I should have dropped out of engineering at the end of first year simply because it wasn’t what I was suited for. People choose majors depending on what they’re interested in doing. I chose whatever I was given and now it’s turned out to be an obstacle. I can’t expect myself to give it up now.

Determination has nothing to do with it. To keep my grades up, I need to stay determined, according to some. I think it’s more to do with my ego. To keep up my ego, I need to keep my grades up.

Is This Life?

2004-11-16T21:01:00.000-05:00

Instead of being part of the group, I’ve fallen down the ranks to become just a casual spectator. I no longer witness the fun moments with my friends. Rather, I hear about them the next day. I don’t get involved with what goes on, I just watch. It’s almost as if I’m just a fly on the wall when I’m with my friends. I miss out on everything because I’m asleep early whereas the others gather to mess around.

A couple of Sundays ago, we tried setting up a friend of mine, with a girl who, we had a hunch, he liked. Well, not really ‘we’, since I was once again, more of a spectator. Watching him struggling to stop us from talking to the girl and then trying to undo the mess, made me laugh. Afterwards, the others were trying to urge him to make a move. He was so… so ‘defiant’? He kept insisting he didn’t like her as anything more than a friend. Even while I watched the scene, I was wondering about being in his position.

I’ve realised that even though I ‘lust’ for it sometimes, I’m not really ready to be in a relationship. Well, perhaps I am, but I’m not willing to be committed into being with one person for much of my free time. Free time is already rare enough to come by. I prefer not to have to spend it with someone. Thinking over all the things that being in a relationship meant, I found myself more disillusioned from the lack of glamour that I had imagined it to be.

Recently, a friend of mine went to a desi party and he sort of hooked up for a toned-down one-night stand (phrased in the worst-way possible). The lust inside me rose again, but really, is that what I as a person want? I really doubt it so I suppressed desire yet again.

My friends all want to go to a club together. They say it’ll be fun. Lust makes the offer tempting. Principles overrule. Clubs are just pathetic in my opinion and I rather never see the inside of one, even if it is just ‘for the experience’.

Speaking of principles, I think I’ve let mine slip quite far. Though I haven’t even scraped the surface, I think that wherever I let my principles slacken even a bit, I came off as a worse person.

Desis think that because of their culture, they are restricted from doing so many things. Well, no one is really stopping them. There are several desis who accepted the western culture and found it to be better. Yet, for all of those who spend their time wishing to be part of the western culture, they’re just wasting away because they aren’t enjoying the life they have. Instead, they want to be like the others. Please, just get a bit of spunk and do something about it instead of taking every single damn opportunity to complain about it!

I’ve been talking to a cousin of mine a lot recently. Our conversations are essentially pointless, as mine are with every person who I consider a dear friend. We’ve developed the same lust but neither of us saw the point of going ahead and getting a relationship.

Desire is nothing here. The second I give in to desire is the second that I drop my grades. It doesn’t really matter what I want to do anymore. It’s all about doing what I have to do. Isn’t that a life of slavery? Yet I have a choice. I’m not bound to this life.

So many people talk about how university life was the best thing that ever happened to them. I wonder how many of them were in engineering. Last year, I lived like a non-engineer and I had a blast. This year, I’m being more of an engineer, and have not had fun a single time except for when I went to Wonderland. It’s effectively been a whole term since I’ve gone out.

There’s no one special in my life… physically, I mean. There’s no one that I can meet and enjoy myself with. All the people, that I like talking to, are only present on the other side of the world. On this side, I’m in a group of friends. That itself is the problem. There’s no one person at any time. I can’t say that I’m meeting e.g. “Fartsie” without e.g. “Zub” being there. It’s always like that.

I haven’t had the urge to hang out with my friends. Sure, I miss out on a few good times, but there really is no appeal to be with them. Our conversations revolve around the same things all the time. I know that people suggest talking to friends when one feels down. I don’t want to talk to my friends. I know what they will say. There’s nothing new for me. I’m bored. The ones I do want to talk to, can’t be found alone for a long enough time to just hang out and talk about whatever.

So what am I getting at? Am I getting upset and lonely? I doubt that. Am I losing my sense of fun and just fading into a book? I guess so. It is tough going through 9 hours of classes followed by 3 hours more of work. I guess I’m not cut out for that. It just seems that no matter how much effort I put in, I’m not getting past a certain point. I’m not better this year, but then so is everyone else. I’m not in the top percentile of my class anymore… I’m just an average Joe sitting at the back of the class getting grades that aren’t worth comparing to my marks from when I used to be someone.

It just seems to me that the path I’ve taken isn’t going to take me towards my dream life. I’m not saying it’s because I’m in engineering, but I believe it’s because I’m just gearing up to go in to a competitive world and strive to be the best. All I really want is to be content and have a leisurely life where I don’t have to worry about work all the time. I see all these businesspeople on the streets and in our classes who talk about who they are and what work they do. I just wonder whether they are really happy. Are they getting up daily to do what they love? Is there ever something that they would love to do but just don’t have the time/resources or whatever?

Much like with my feeling of lust from before, I have this overwhelming desire to travel the world not to see different civilizations but to see various landscapes. I want to personally witness the scenery that I’ve only seen in pictures. Then what? What will I do once I’m there? Take a picture and call it a day? Is that how shallow my desires are?

I want to travel to space and finally be amongst the stars that I’ve often cast my eyes up towards. Then what? I’ll float around for a while, admire the view and then?

No matter what I think of, I know that in a very short period of time, I’ll turn my thoughts towards the very thing that I want to get away from - Civilization.

I’ve often said that I rather lead than conform. I rather do something different and risky than take the safe way that is laid out. Yet, all I’m doing is taking the safe path. I’m walking towards a secure future where I just need to work hard to do well. Then where is the excitement? Where is the freedom? I don’t care when, but I would love to be able to get up and go wherever I want, whenever I want. If I want to go to Australia or New Zealand for a week’s vacation, then I want to be able to leave without wondering about my job or about what’s going on in the place I just left. Whatever… I’m talking about desires again - The very thing that has to be suppressed within me for as long as I’m in university. As far as great university lives go, I’ve written them off.

A friend of mine told me that I’d be a much better person if I’d stop being a martyr. She’s definitely right but it’s so easy to wallow in self-pity when you believe that nothing’s right in your world. It’s not something that I intend to let continue, but for now, I’m just pissed with the life I’m living and I want a change. Yet, any change could possibly let my grades slip again. So, I’m just sticking to this rut. For as long as it keeps me focused. Argh!

Muhahahaha

2004-11-14T01:48:00.000-05:00

I am the most evil person in the world… More to come after the plan has been executed.

I Win!

2004-11-03T15:09:00.000-05:00

Personal victory! I talked to the friend who I said I had been somewhat ignoring. Best part was that I managed to go through the whole conversation without any line-making, which is something that my friend tried to do quite a lot of times. One step closer to freedom! Window, here I come!

Evanescing

2004-11-02T20:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I didn’t feel like writing anything. I had a few small things on my mind. Then a short while before I went to bed, I had quite a few things that I just wanted to think about. Now’s a good time to go through them. Roomy’s not here and no friends to disturb my thinking.

First, I just wanted to talk about something that I can’t remember having mentioned in my blogs. In my mind, the ideal friendship can only occur between two people of the opposite gender. That friendship is just so good! There’s utter harmony there. I’m not talking about a romantic relationship but just a plain simple friendship. I am and have been for many years a great believer in the fact that all friendships between boys and girls do not lead to romantic involvement. However, I’ve been constantly bombarded from all sides by people arguing against me.

This ideal friendship gels so well and nary a fight occurs. The conversations flow for hours and even if the two friends talk daily for hours, they can do it all over again the next day. I believe I’ve mentioned this before but I am happy for those people who I know have that friendship. I have that friendship. Not to the degree that I wish but I’m really happy that I have what I do. Of course, she has someone else with whom she shares that friendship. Aw, you know I’m just kidding with you.

Life’s been pathetic for a while now. I feel like I’m caged in work. Just to be able to find time to do nothing. I think I’ll spend an hour after I’m done with this to stare out the window and relive my euphoric moments.

I don’t think I’m under stress from midterms but they are there hanging over my head urging me to study. With so many midterms, it becomes hard to keep track of how to approach one. I’ve finally got my final exams schedule. It’s demanding to say the least.

I guess living together has lived up to all our expectations but it’s also brought some unfortunate side effects. We’re getting tired of always having someone right there beside us. Our lone time is zilch. I’m sure none of us will want to spend too much time away from each other, but perhaps a little time wouldn’t hurt.

We’re just butting into each others’ lives all the time and I guess we’re crossing lines. It’s hard for us to distinguish someone just bugging us from someone trying to help us just by being there. At least, it is for me.

Heh, “Artsie” and I have been listening to the same songs these days. There hasn’t been a day that’s passed in recent memory that I don’t remember listening to either “Pennywise – Instrumental” or “Black Lab – Gates of the Country”

The weather is amazing for these days. I think this weekend, I’m going to put some amazing songs (like these two) on repeat, ask my roomy to either leave or be quiet for a few hours and stare out the window. Ah, the window… My door to freedom.

Here’s something a cousin of mine had to say about me:

taabish is an amalgam of many taabishs… “the cold taabish.. the SUPER friendly taabish.. caring taabish… .indifferent taabish etc etc” people who really know him..might know what I’m talking about. Has a very sarcastic sense of humour.. which is fine with me.. but others might find it hard to cope with!!! But if you have a keen sense of sarcasm you’ll love it with him!...hmm.. overall an amazing guy. never have a dull moment with him. ALL in all I love this guy’s personality… jaisee bhee hai!

I really liked what was written about me. I’m kind of surprised that in such a short time, I revealed so many different sides of me. Either that or my friend was really perceptive. I’m also kind of disappointed that I only have four different main personalities. I thought I was more moody than that.

I think I’ll have free time next weekend. I’m definitely going to work on my website then. I don’t have much to add but I definitely want to just assure myself that I did something with it.

I talked about having this drive in me a few blogs back. I don’t think I have that drive anymore but I’m still working like I did. I only hope that the drive comes back before I begin to suffer.

I’m just tired. I want to lie down and do nothing. I want to have nothing running through my head, have nothing disturb me, not feel like I wasted time and get back up when life’s gotten better. Yet, lying down and hoping won’t help. I need to do something to improve life before I can finally lie down and enjoy as much of it as I can before it slips again. Life is like a balloon with a teensy-weensy hole in it. You have to keep inflating the balloon to have fun with it but eventually you need to work at inflating it again. On top of that, the hole’s too small to be detected. Similarly, life has this hole which can’t be found and out of which all pleasure is sucked from. I’ve been unable to find this hole but I’ve given it a name… Engineering.

Fatigued

2004-10-28T15:01:00.000-04:00

I’ve been kind of avoiding a friend of mine for some time since we had a difference of opinions. I’m in no mood to continue the argument simply because it’s pointless and it’s in the past. However, my friend wants to bring it up every time we talk so I’m just going to be the bigger person and go ‘yada yada yada’ whenever the topic arises. It’s kind of interesting trying to find ways to hide the fact that I’m endeavouring to avoid conversations with my friend by giving off the illusion that I’ve been making several failed attempts to start conversations. It’s worked so far, I think. Haven’t been able to talk to my friend to figure out whether or not it did.

I’ve been in study-mode for the past couple of days. I started off the week in bum-mode so I decided that I’ll get as much work done in one day so I can go back to bum-mode once I was done. Quick switch of gears and I ended up working all day for two days. Now I’m back to semi-bum mode but once I get back to work, I’ll probably step up the pace again.

The downside of spending all this time studying was that I’ve only been spending around an hour a day with my friends. To some, that’ll seem like a good thing but it gets kind of depressing. However, as long as I can keep working ahead, I think it’s the best thing to do. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to spend with them in around… … 4 months. It’ll be reading week then, so I should be able to find time to mess around like the days of yesteryear. Ah! I just might be able to squeeze in a day or two in late November.

I’m kind of enjoying working now but there’s only how much I can do in a day before I feel drained. I want to follow my dad’s advice and do all my work during the day and find time to spend with my friends at night. Yet, in engineering, there’s always work that can be done. I need to figure out where to stop or whether I should even stop.

I haven’t been able to go to the gym in so long. I feel like I’m just wasting away. I haven’t been able to work on my website either. It needs a facelift!

Sigh, so much to do and so little time. I need a break. I only had one month to enjoy myself during the summer. I’m not going to crack and start falling behind on work but I’m just getting tired of only working. Even my weekends are being spent working. This coming weekend is not going to be any exception.

Time to get back to work.

Rusty

2004-10-26T16:48:00.000-04:00

Haha, I’ve finally started to admit that my mum just might be right… You can’t find both beauty and brains in girls. It’s either or. There’s no and. Boo! Now I’m going to get dozens of e-mails from people arguing against that.

I may be being a bit unfair since I’m making a lot of assumptions.

General note: I’ve seemed to have forgotten how to talk to girls. My conversations with them just seem to die at every opportunity. Bah! It’s not my fault! It’s them! Weirdoes!

Small Talk

2004-10-14T13:39:00.000-04:00

I realized I’m not very photogenic. I went over a few photos that were recently taken of me and couldn’t help laughing. I had the same smile plastered on my face in almost all of the pictures. However, I think some of them did come out quite well.

I’ve noticed a change in a friend of mine. Since we talked a couple of days ago, my friend’s become a lot more social and spends a lot more time with other people. I was quite surprised when I noticed the change but in my opinion, it’s definitely for the better. Ironic, seeing how that I (an antisocial) somehow affected someone else to become more outgoing. I guess my friend finally realized something that “Banana Man” recently mentioned in one of his blogs. “The distinction between living and surviving.”

I’ve been bogged down with a lot of work recently. Assignments keep getting handed out at the most inopportune times… Midterm week! I’ve got midterms and now I’ve got assignments to deal with. I spent most of my last weekend working whenever I had the chance and now I’ll have to spend this weekend working too. However, if I stick to my schedule, I should have Saturday and Sunday free to study for the midterms only meaning a lighter workload.

My floor got a table tennis table a couple of days ago. I’m doomed to fail now. Now I expect a few e-mails from concerned readers telling me to stay away from playing it. I’ve played a few games but can’t see myself enjoying it until we get better rackets.

It’s a really nice day outside. There’s just something about dark cloudy skies that makes me feel happy. Any day with such weather automatically becomes a good day.

Fight!

2004-10-07T17:53:00.000-04:00

To provide an update on the fights, I had another one with “Fartsie” a couple of nights ago. This time, I was the attacker. After a few minutes of scuffle, I got him in a headlock again and kept telling him, “Give up now or give up later!” I think he was close to giving up before he suddenly burst around and got a headlock on me too. So we’re both in headlocks and trying to break free. He finally let his grip slacken and tried standing up instead. Once we were both standing, I shifted my grip to a front headlock. Seizing his opportunity, he tried to ram me backwards into the armoire. When we hit, the spectators, namely “Artsie” and “Sour Man” began ooh-ing and aah-ing. Apparently, the impact seemed to be a lot worse than it really was. However, “Fartsie’s” grip suddenly went loose and I thought he had smacked his head hard on the armoire door. So I let go too and the two of us stagger apart. After a second to make sure neither was hurt, we look at the armoire. The doors had been bent inwards. It was a pretty funny sight. I asked “Fartsie” if he had hit his head but he said no. Turned out, he later felt a bump coming out on his head. I, for my part, had deep scratches on my forearm and forehead where his watch had cut me. It took a while for the armoire to be repaired. I call that fight a draw since we both let go after we thought the other was hurt. So… I’m still leading 2 – 0. Bwahahaha!

Ego

2004-10-06T15:42:00.000-04:00

Woo-hoo! I finally got a cell phone! Still think I didn’t need it. So to all the people who might possibly call me – prove me wrong!

Ego is a man’s best friend until he’s rejected by a girl. Then, Ego leaves.

Internal Timing

2004-10-05T23:40:00.000-04:00

It’s almost uncanny that I check my watch approximately half an hour after the lecture begins (give or take 2 minutes). Every time I feel the lecture’s beginning to drag and I check my watch, it shows the time as forty minutes past the hour. Awesome, na?

Pranks!

2004-10-02T15:11:00.000-04:00

What a great week! I’ve been reliving my prankster days of old by getting namely two victims. “Fartsie” (previously known as “The Lone Ranger”) and “Zub” who is “Fartsie’s” roommate and high school buddy.

First, let me introduce several new characters. We’ve got “Newbie” who is my roommate this year, “Zub” who I’ve introduced, “Sour Man” who is another one of “Fartsie’s” high school friends. That takes the number of pseudonyms up to 15. We’ve got:

01. Banana Man
02. The Cheshire Cat
03. Hyper Dude
04. Artsie
05. Fartsie
06. Zub
07. Sour Man
08. Jackass
09. Newbie
10. Midas
11. Froggie
12. Powerpuff
13. Puff
14. Sabbi
15. Sis

I got on “Zub’s” case when he told us all about how he got a message from someone on DC++ calling himself “Mr. Potato Head” asking him to join Positive Space. At the time, “Sour Man” was on “Zub’s” computer and he replied “Yes”. That’s where I picked up the idea for a joke. I grabbed a few positive space stickers from the U of T registrar and when I got home, I put one on “Zub’s” door. He saw it and thought someone was stalking him. When we went down for dinner, I took the sticker and put it on his door again with the words “Become one of us”. After dinner, he came back and saw it. He got pretty worried and even checked everyone’s writing. For some weird reason, he didn’t see the similarities between the writing on his door and my writing. The next day when I got back, I went to his door and put up the second sticker. I put up the words, “Don’t take this off. Be proud of who you are.” When he got back, I was in “Artsie’s” room which was next door. He saw the sticker and almost went berserk.

Basically, it started with me just sneaking up from behind either of the two and screaming wildly. Both of them tend to start or even utter something. It’s more fun with “Fartsie” not only because he gets scared but because he gets angry as well. Over the past week, I think I’ve scared both of them at least a dozen times. Some of them were classical moments. One of the times, “Fartsie” got so angry that he kicked his table sending bottles flying all over the place.

The pranks stepped up a notch when he decided to try getting back at me. We were all having supper meaning the top 9 people including “Midas’” roommate. It was breaking down into a semi-food fight between “Midas” and “Hyper Dude”. The two of them were throwing tissues and whatnots at each other. In the middle, I get hit on the head. I look up and surprise… it was “Fartsie”. I told him right there that he was dead. After a while, I get up and go towards the dessert area. I didn’t plan on getting anything. To get out of our seating area, I had to pass right behind “Fartsie”. I decided that the best way to get him would be to slap him hard on his chest. He’s been a bit tender there for the past few days since he had worked out. So when I came back empty-handed, I walked up behind him, poked him hard in the ribs and when he straightened up, I slapped him on the chest. It was too good! Better than I had planned! I got him realllllly well there! Later, I was talking to “Banana Man” when I get bonked on the head with another crumpled up piece of paper. It was time to start scheming against “Fartsie” again. So, everyone was talking and waiting for “Zub” to finish when I walked away. I then came back after a minute from behind “Fartsie”, ran quickly up to him and BAM! A huge slap on his back! He almost seemed to have gone into shock! It was hilarious! That taught him not to mess with me… bwahahahaha!

Today, at breakfast, I took my water gun down with me. I squirted “Newbie” and “Hyper Dude” without them suspecting me. After I squirted “Newbie” again, he made me get up and checked where I was sitting but even then he couldn’t find the gun. He knew he had seen the gun but had no idea where I had hid it! That wasn’t the really funny part. After breakfast, it was “Artsie”, “Fartsie”, “Hyper Dude” and I in “Artsie’s” room. I stood right behind “Fartsie” and squirted him in the rear with water. He slowly starts approaching towards a corner of the room where I was trapped. We were talking about how I got “Newbie” at breakfast as he still approached. When he finally started fighting with me, he kept trying to lift me up but I would push away his hands. Suddenly, he lunged for me and almost on instinct, I spun around him and slapped on a headlock. Bear in mind, he’s a big guy and he would have no trouble lifting up a scrawny guy like me. After a few futile attempts to throw me on a bed hence breaking my grip, he fell down with me. Keeping my grip on him, I used that infamous line from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. “Do you yield? Do you yield?” Haha! After a minute, he actually gave up! It was impressive! Jackass just handed “Fartsie” his arse on a platter! Woo-hoo! (I bet there’ll be repercussions for me saying that)

That wasn’t the end of it. After a while, I found myself in “Artisie’s” room again and when I was leaving, I decided to get “Fartsie” one last time for a while. So I walked in to “Fartsie’s” room and spotted him with his back towards me. I took out my gun and continuously squirted him with water. After a few seconds, where he seemed numb with disbelief that I would get him again, he started lumbering towards me pushing “Sour Man” out of his way. I ran towards the fire escape with him chasing me. I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t believe that I managed to outrun him. I ran up a flight and he chased me. When he realized he couldn’t catch me, he ran back down to our floor and ran towards the other stairwell where he thought I would come back down. He’s so heavy; I could hear him running below me. I just stopped and ducked into someone’s room. After placing a call to “Newbie” to keep the door to our room open and keeping an eye out for “Fartsie”, I stayed in my friend’s room for a while and then came back down. Victory! “Fartsie”, you’ve just been JACK-ED!

P.S. I know how that sounds!

Final Fantasy

2004-09-26T18:03:00.000-04:00

Writing down your fantasies always makes them lose their charm. For the past hour, I’ve been listening to the Final Fantasy soundtracks and they’ve been making me yearn for a different life where all this was unnecessary. I want a life where I only need to deal with a single main goal. This sounds really dumb but if you’ve played any of the games, the life of the characters seem to be so focused. They are working towards one goal. What makes their lives even more tempting is the fact that their goal is the same as what I’ve talked about before… to help mankind. On paper, this fantasy seems so lame but what really appeals to me is that they are so free! They aren’t restricted by society.

Even their fights appeal to me. Just the same as in Gladiator (by the way, I’m listening to the Gladiator soundtrack now). To fight is an inner urge.

I’ve had the same desire rise up in me when I’ve watched a few Anime shows. When I see them traveling from place to place or sleeping under the stars, I wish I could have that too. Even before, I turned towards my window to stare at the city while listening to the music and felt as if I wanted to get away from here and be free. In my room, I am free from the world and I felt somewhat satiated. However, then I was required to get back to work and I’ve been struggling to recapture that moment.

Is it too much to ask when I ask society to just take it easy?

Giggidy!

2004-09-23T15:01:00.000-04:00

I haven’t complained about anything in a while. Here’s something. Slow walkers! Especially those people who are seemingly oblivious to other people on the sidewalk. I admit I’m a fast walker and therefore often find myself trapped behind people. However, is it too much to ask that when people walk in groups, they pair off or something? Why must they walk abreast and block the whole sidewalk?? Or how about those people who are not only walking very slowly in front of you, but they are also slowly drifting! Drifting right into my path!! It’s so irritating! Ah, the best example. People who decide that they must stop in mid-stride without giving any warning. There I am, walking along and looking for my opportunity to overtake the people in front of me when they just brake! The number of dance moves that I’ve picked up just dodging them will surely make me a hit at a fuddy-duddy’s party! There are a lot of other cases too, actually. People who hold their umbrellas out at dangerous angles or people who don’t seem to notice that you’re right next to them and start moving in towards you! Jeez! I think it’s time that a license be required to walk on the sidewalk!

I find it amusing when my friends say to me ‘No man. We know you. We know you don’t go for that sort of thing’. It’s interesting learning what they know about me and what they expect me to do. I haven’t corrected any of them so far. I rather just let them think they’re right. It doesn’t matter to me whether they are right or not. I just find it nice that they bothered to get to know me.

Happiness

2004-09-23T01:13:00.000-04:00

There came a time last year, where I couldn’t sleep if I hadn’t blogged. If I didn’t have access to my computer, I would either write it down on paper or I would just toss and turn and try to turn my attention elsewhere until I drifted off. My reliance on blogging had increased so much. At this time, I consider one reason for that was an attempt at getting people to notice me and for that, I always needed to come up with new material. Yet, I don’t really believe that. I just liked having stuff to think over in my mind.

Similar to this experience, a few years back, I couldn’t sleep if I didn’t spend a few minutes thinking of the good things I wanted in my life or in the world.

Over the summer, I changed a lot. It may not show much in my character but there are so many alterations that I really like. If I seem the same cold person I was last year, I would assume you’re mistaken. It’s still within me but there’s a different side of me that’s expanding itself over all borders. Ruthlessness is something I still cherish, simply because I consider it ‘cool’, but I’ve begun to save it for select occasions.

I no longer need the blogs to convey my thoughts. It’s more for personal use and now I use it much like a journal. I’m not going to write what I did in my day nor am I going to write what special things happened to me. I prefer to write about what I thought of the day and when I look back on these blogs, I’ll have guidelines to help me reminisce upon these days of my life.

The change over me during the summer is really quite remarkable and it came so quickly that I offered no resistance. I come back to what I’ve mentioned a few times already. Finding happiness in the simplest of things has become my greatest achievement thus far. For the sake of pointing it out: A general view is that happiness is not found. It surfaces when stimulated. Happiness is within you… Looking within you to find it isn’t feasible in my mind. It’s easier to bait it out. Like a mouse in a hole. What better way to do that than going out into the world and living life freely? When happiness takes over you by surprise, it’s even more potent. That is the appeal of living freely. You never know when happiness will come.

You’re all welcome to offer your opinions in this matter. Not everyone will agree with what I said. I’m interested in knowing what you have to say.

Gratification

2004-09-19T02:55:00.001-04:00

I’m in a semi-nirvana mood right now.

I talked to “Puff” after such a long time. I really missed my conversations with her. We didn’t have much time and I had told her a long time ago that I had something important to tell her. I mentioned it in my blogs too. So our conversation revolved around me telling her the whole long story. Yet, just knowing that she was the one I was talking to, made things so much better. I could tell her the whole uncut story easily. She’s got my full trust on any matter. I wish I had more time to talk to her, but that time will come.

For the moment, my conversation with her has left me in a really happy state again. I’ve got the same sad smile on my face. The same sad feeling in my eyes. I can’t say anything else without revealing parts of the story, so I can only say that she’s helped revive chords of my heart that had stopped playing a while back. I said in my earlier blogs that I had been reverting to my old self. This one conversation with her has just stopped all that. Thanks!!

Crappiness

2004-09-17T02:30:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know that's not a word. It's a combo. Crappy and Happiness. I feel like I'm torn between the two. I've been in a fairly good mood all day. Even now, I feel sad. Yet, that doesn't sound right. I have this weird sad smile on my face. Ironic smile would best describe it. I'm in one of those moods where I'm perfectly content to just sit here and listen to music. Yet, the sadness comes from the realisation that I must turn my attention back to life eventually.

I really pity the world. Such selfishness and misery in the world due to people who don't do the right thing. In my current mood, I feel like helping out whoever I come across but no one has accepted my offer yet.

I'm really giddy right now. A friend sent me this new sort of smiley and just looking at that cute little bugger makes me happy.

I've come to despise talking about myself since I feel that I'm just being egotistical. It's not the same thinking as "Banana Man". Yet, I just want to put this moment down for myself to remember later on in life.

I talked about fading out in a recent blog.

There's something that I've always had trouble figuring out. Whether I'm the cold, cruel, sarcastic arse or whether I'm the push-over guy who'll go out of his way to do so much (unasked and uncredited) for the people that matter and still find time to do things for the people who don't.

Time presses down on me to return to the real world and take up my duties again. Yet, I feel more liberated with each moment that passes.

I've evolved from finding happiness from the simplest things to finding happiness even with nothing at all. I recall that I wrote in one of my earlier blogs about "Having a life so dull that I'm easily excited or leading a life so exciting that I'm rarely impressed." Something like that. I seem to have gone from one extreme to the other.

As far as I can see right now, I'm in Nirvana right now. It's just a feeling that will last until I sleep. Yet, this is the feeling that I'll remember when I wonder when I was the happiest in my life.

I'm really sorry and Thank you!

Quietude

2004-09-10T17:10:00.000-04:00

People ask me why I'm so quiet... Why don't I ever have anything to say? Well, it's quite simple. Half the time, I have something sarcastic running through my mind but it's not the right time to say it. The other half of the time, I'm either thinking of something sarcastic to say or I have something stupid running through my mind which I really don't want to say.

Why people look past the simple reasons or even refuse to acknowledge them, is beyond me. Life's too short to spend wondering why things are...

Envisage

2004-09-03T19:04:00.000-04:00

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?

First, to add on to the Dan Brown comments that I made earlier, I have to say that the way everything in his story (the third book I read) seemed to fall into place with real life made the book that much more enjoyable. It put such a different perspective on religion. Looking back at the book, I feel there's so much more to learn.

A question is raised about how God could be both benevolent and all-powerful when there is so much suffering in the world that God has done seemingly nothing about. It almost appears like there's a contradiction. If I had a kid, would I let him skateboard? Yes I would... Even though I know that there's a risk that (s)he would get hurt, I would still let him/her go, because (s)he cannot learn without experiencing it. I can't hold him/her back all the time. We learn through pain. In the same way, if we did not suffer, we would not know learn how to live without pain. That answer made a lot of sense to me even though it wasn't the one that came to my mind. Now that I ponder over it, the answers do have a subtle link. I thought more along the terms of "Without misery, how could you recognise happiness?". There's so much that I don't understand about religion but there's so much that I haven't tried to understand about religion.

Oh, after reading about "Banana Man's" acheivement of 300 posts, I checked up on where I stand. I'm only on my 37th post but I think it just might be possible that my blog is the same in length as his. I'm nearing 43000 words. My goodness, 43000 eternal words of my crap! I think I'm the better magician... They can make animals out of balloons... I can form words from my crap!

There have been times in my life when I have had to make tough decisions which I don't care to make again.

It's always been easier to just give up and let the world surround you. To just say, whatever... let's just do what I want instead of doing what's right. (I wonder if what I wanted to do was also the right thing to do, would I still want to do it?) I can only imagine the happiness that I would have felt if I would have done what I wanted... I also know that whether it was right or wrong at that point of time would have ceased to matter. Eventually, it would have just become a push or be pushed course of action. However, in the long run, it doesn't matter. The right thing is the only thing that matters. I guess that's why people think that I have a bigger stick up my arse than even "Artsie" ever had! Simply because I can control my own desires and go the right way. What the hell, right? I should have fun, right?

I realised that I've learnt to find beauty in the simplest of things. I can look at empty space and still be awestruck. That really helps me pass the time when I have naught else to do. So far, I've only turned to nature when I've been strapped for stuff to do. Yet, I've recently started taking time out just to look out the window and admire... well admire everything.

I've underwent a change over a period of a month. I started finding enjoyment in a lot of simple things. I became a lot happier... Recently, though, I've been starting to revert back to my old self and I'm almost dreading that. Before, I was actually happy to be the person that I was before. Now, I dread becoming that person. Yet, going back to that person seems to have its perks but the people whose opinions I actually respect, have often told me that they prefer the new me.

I've come to realise that there are situations where you don't fit in even though you've been in that situation for ages and ages. You were at the start of that situation and it evolved to the point that you're not suited for it anymore. What can you do? I can pull out of the situation, just silently let the others take the lead or I can try and fit in. Yet, there's something stronger than pride or stubbornness that makes me want to resist fitting in. I don't believe in adjusting to fit into a situation. I believe that the situation should accept me as is. For example... It's like being in a circle of friends. I shouldn't have to change who I am to be part of that group. They should accept me for who I am.

To get back to the point, I don't want to sit back and let others take control. I'm not a follower, I'm a leader, you might say. I can't just sit on my buns and do nothing at all. I have to get up and get out there. So on and so forth. That leaves me with the option of pulling out of the situation. It's like giving up habits. Not that easy but quite simple really. Just work at it. If you bite your nails and you want to stop, just dip your nails in vaseline everytime you wash your hands... that way, when you bite your nails, the taste will make you stop. Eventually, you'll stop. All habits are that simple to break. Yet, there are special circumstances in my situation. Breaking this habit won't affect just me. Then again, I'm letting my pride assume that what I do really affects others.

In the end, it's all what I make of it. I'm not going to treat this problem like it's anything. Mind over matter... something that I've started to believe in after experiencing winter in Toronto.

Every one is going to look at this blog and say that I've gone back to the depressed person that I was before. My last few posts have actually gotten good reviews... appreciation from a few people. I think we can all agree that no matter what state I'm in, I'm always aware enough of it to know how I am. I knew that the first few months of my blogs portrayed me as a serious and depressed person. I know that the last few show a happier fun-loving side of me. There's hardly a moment in my life where I feel at a loss to explain to myself how I'm feeling. I know exactly how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that. I feel that's a plus point for my character yet I understand the downfall of it too. Right "Puff"? Do you agree with what I've just said?

When I look at this blog, I can understand why people would think that I'm all psycho and depressed. Yet, I see something in this blog that I feel really represents how I've been feeling recently. There's this drive in me that makes me want to get up and just get going. To stop sitting around and doing nothing about life but going out and making it become what I want. Call it ambition or whatever you want. What I've got is a fire in my loins and a shiver down my spine everytime I feel this drive building up. There's no motivation for me to improve myself or to be successful. There's just this drive that gives my eyes a glint and my lips a smirk.

In the words of the immortal Captain in MXC "Gaaaait it on!"!

Pressed... For Time!

2004-09-01T13:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, I don't really have much time since I've got a meeting in 20 minutes.

Chestnut's gotten better. I talked to Wayne and he said he expects it to be more organised. Even though I haven't been in the dining room yet, I saw it from the outside and they've added more seating room and more food counters... mmm... more food!! They've added tubelights above each desk in the room. They've added more baggage area outside the dining room and moved the swiping table there as well. Oh! Urban Cafe's got a jukebox, Mortal Kombat arcade game, two pool tables and the fussball table. I still expect that we'll have to pay for them...

My room's better now too. They got rid of the long flat dresser table and replaced it with a taller and narrower one. Opened up a lot of room. I took the window side this time. Don't worry, I doubt our messing around times will be affected.

Oh! I've been reading Dan Brown these days. He's a pretty good writer and he can keep you intrigued. I read two of his books (500 pages each) in two days... That's around 8 hours of reading! Then again, I didn't have much else to do. I definitely recommend reading his books. However, when I reached the ending of the second book, I was really disappointed. He made the NSA's top cryptographers look like idiots who didn't know high school chemistryand can't even break Caesar's Box Code!!! Now I know Americans are dumb and all but these people are supposed to be exceptions!

Overall, both his books were pretty good except for one main problem. Halfway through the suspense novel, you get the feeling that he's steering you towards one ending and that the actual ending is completely opposite. He's fingering one guy as the culprit but you get this hunch that the last person you would suspect is actually the culprit! Ah well, the second novel's ending turned me off on his books but I've got two more to read and one of them has been topping the best seller's list in various countries for months now!

Gotta go now! Toodles!

Etiquettes Schmetiquettes!

2004-07-27T04:52:00.000-04:00

Let me first give you time to untwist your tongue after reading that title! And in the case of "Froggie", check the meaning of the first word and be given ample time to figure out that the second word doesn't exist.

Sorry dearie, just had to take that shot!

Alright, what's up? Well, work is going fine. Classes are going fine. Life is great!

I'm sure we've all read that e-mail on urinal etiquette about which urinal to occupy (or not occupy) depending on the circumstances. I'd like to add to that. No matter how urgent, no matter how full the bladder, no matter how quickly you're losing control (enough details?), should you rush to occupy a urinal which was just vacated even if there is no one else waiting in line. Don't ask me why... it's just something you shouldn't do. Try it yourself and let me know if it feels right.

Phew! Feels good to get that off my adonis-like chest! Now... what else?

Haha! The computer classes I've been taking have a whole bunch of computers connected on a network. So it should come as no surprise that I've been messing around with the computers of the other students. Bear in mind, they are all working men aged 30 and above.

There they are, merrily typing away, running a series of programs when "wattzis? My computer just restarted!" or "Huh? I just got logged out" or "The computer just opened a new window filled with comments making fun of me!". And there I am at the back of the class, holding back waves of laughter and trying to remove all trace that I did anything at all!

Don't you "tut-tut!" me! It's the only way I can stay awake in the class! I just keep drifting off... Lack of sleep and an abundance of boring lectures do that to a person! Even coffee is useless!

Oh! I finally figured out why coffee helps people stay awake. It's not the caffeine... it's the shock that accompanies a burnt tongue!

Man! Course enrollment is tough! There's no way that I can pick one course! Uff! And those artsies think that they've got it rough! TCH! Yeah, that's right... I just said "TCH"

Inspiration!!! -> "Tch" is just a sound effect we make when we're exasperated... I just realised its origin. It's desi (Ok, own up... which one of you lot started singing "Show me the meaning of being desi!"?) and what's more... it stands for something. Something we all want to say to "Frenchie" whenever we see him. "Tum C*****ya Ho" ROFL

By the way, "Lone Ranger", since you're really bored staying at home, why don't you take control of wooing "Frenchie" with the 'special' MSN account? However, take your time. I know you'll need a few minutes to vacate Mike's knot! Ooh! Dis!

Ok, to be serious for a moment, who the hell is 'we' and "what the hell, yaar?" Ah wait, that's "Midas"' line. Who is we and what is it that you guys think you know that I should be telling you? I have no idea what's going on! In the words of the ever-so eloquent "Artsie", "ALL MY FRIENDS ARE ***"

Hmm, I think I need to change the layout of the page. This dark format is disheartening. I need something more perky and peppy with a touch of pizazz! I want... *And Pink is my favourite colour!...*

Oh! I went go-karting with my cousin. Karts that go up to 90 kph. Karts that skid like crazy when you don't use brakes on sharp turns! Karts that squeeze all the fat out of you (sniff! I lost whatever little fat I had) But they were AWESOME! Soooo much fun zipping around in a little kart though it bruised me in several places because of the cramped quarters. I was so stiff afterwards that it was hard to move around afterwards. Still! I'm going again on Thursday hopefully!

Bah, class time and I need to go take a tinkle on a cake... a urinal cake that is... ooh, too many details again?

Working It!

2004-07-20T00:41:00.000-04:00

Let me start off by wishing "Puff" farewell officially... i.e. writing it here so that it's on record. Let it also be stated that I wished her farewell on the tag-board on the night of the 16th! However, this time, I actually told her personally too unlike what I did on her birthday. *smacks myself*

"Artsie"... you're right. Pakistan has changed so much. However, there's no place like home and "damn! it feels good to be a ga.. Pakistani" Can't have as much fun anywhere else. I wish I was going to university in Pakistan now... however, because of the stupid Canadian passport, I'm going to keep attending U of T.

I've got a semi-internship. I'm taking these classes for Red Hat Linux worth $4000 for free but at the same time, I'm doing an internship at GBM (IBM's distributor in the Gulf). Been doing it for almost two weeks now. I hate not getting enough sleep. I don't go to sleep before 4 and my dad wakes me up at 7. I would have slept through half my classes if it wasn't for the miracles of coffee.

Speaking of coffee, I think I've finally developed a taste for hot drinks... Well, just one in particular... Mochaccino! Then again, I think even coffee would taste good if it's got three spoons of sugar in it.

Haha! My instructor this week is hilarious! He's really good and all but he's from Southern India. He says Yem instead of M, Yef instead of F, Yii instead of I, You instead of U... wait that works! Still... He was just writing down the e-mail of a student, Yay, Yem, Yo, R, something something....

Ok, can't say much since my class is starting in a few minutes. Just wanted to post something so that people besides "Artsie" knew I was still alive.

Oh! "Puff", you'll be proud of me! I actually believe in permanent friendships now. I also believe in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny (especially the last one since he made a lovely meal). I hope no kids read this blog. Seriously, I do believe in it now. I'm so proud of myself. I also believe in unconditional amour. You know me... I don't believe it until I experience it. I remember (yet another thing that I've remembered) telling you that I would tell you all the details soon. I guess I'll have to e-mail them to you. I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

On a different sort of note, completely out of my current character, I must warn all you 'Nutters that I've got a lot of pent-up rage and am so close to snapping at anyone and everyone. So, in all fairness, I think you guys deserve a warning. Warning - You'll be better off if you avoid me for all of next year. Did I say that's a warning? I meant it as a threat.

I've got so much to say but nothing meaningless enough to write down. I'm saving it all for the e-mail to "Puff" the Sweetie! Haha! My mum's still after you "Puff"! She wants to 'give you a tight slap' for being so 'crack'! Haha! How dare you talk to me for 5 hours all night? Shame on you! How dare I think of going to the airport to meet you but not go to meet relatives? Shame on me! How dare I ask my father to drop me off at the Sharjah (Yes, I said "Sharjah") airport? CRACK!!

I haven't liked my uncle having my cell phone one bit. He kept intercepting all of my calls and all of my messages and I didn't get to know about any of them until much later. However, now that you're gone, I don't seem to care who calls or who messages. He comes home and said I got a message and I'm like whoopie! I'll check it whenever I'm within arm's reach of the cell phone. With you, not only did I find the cell phone and call you back or whatever, I even spent several hours sitting next to a washing machine!!! I even listened to you hum the Pink Panther theme as you stalked Sleeping Beauty ("Punchoo")

Oh, to the rest... half of my words are inside jokes so don't go judging me! Unless you've got one of those white wigs! Then judge away!

Bah! Nothing else to say. Life's so appealing to me these days even though nothing's going to my liking. I spend 11 hours a day in the office, 2 hours sleeping and the rest of the time surrounded by cousins at home who are always vying to see who I'll snap at first! Oh joy! Another cousin's coming today! My house is now playing home to 12 people!! Oh the inhumanity! Oh the suffering! Kill me now! Wait... don't! I've got too much to live for. Well, mainly two people but that's enough to keep me going! Haha, "Puff", how's the musho-meter?

Bah!

Pissed... Not Really

2004-07-07T22:59:00.000-04:00

ARGH! The pains of trying to send one simple SMS message from my computer to a cell phone in Pakistan! I hope she appreciates the effort I’m making! ARGH! *door falls down*

Comprehension

2004-07-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

I finally realised how to describe myself. I’m a typical adolescent who’s just a bit more unattached, observant and determined than normal. The main difference between others and me is that I’m very aware of what is going on with me as well as being aware of what’s going on around me.