Friendship Under Scrutiny
I don’t ruminate freely. I hate sharing my thoughts. Even as I write this, I can sense all these feelings and thoughts swelling up inside me in an attempt to get out into the open. It’s almost a challenge to sort through them all and put only the desired ones within the grasp of others. I prefer to methodically go through these feelings myself and analyse them. To share feelings and thoughts is not enticing since there’s always the large possibility of it being negatively received by people. To illustrate: This chain of thought will stun some people who will then contemplate my friendship with them. Though they might have always known, they never realised it until I got them to take a good look at it. Others might read it and comprehend that I’m not on the same page as them whereas they were content believing that I was. It’s like stirring up a beehive. Sometimes, I feel that I hold back for the good of others. (“People who can hold their tongues rarely have any trouble holding their friends”). Of course, so many cynics will disagree with me. Apparently, they don’t believe in the idea of selfless acts. I’ve spent many an hour mulling over this and it was beyond my grasp to reach another reason that would explain half my actions.
I don’t know why I’m writing this out then. I guess it’s my way of venting a few pent up thoughts. Or perhaps I just want to give people the brief opportunity of understanding me. Doesn’t matter what the reason is.
"Hyper dude" wanted to mess around this past weekend. He seemed pretty disappointed that none of us were interested. So he goes off and makes his own plans for the weekend. Comes back the next day (after being gone all day), emphatically calls us “fools” and then tries again to make plans with us. Once again, he is shot down. Why would we want to go out and end up doing nothing worthwhile? Sorry “Hyper dude” but your excursions don’t seem rather appealing to me. I preferred to stay home and play Generals on the LAN. “Hyper dude” seems to be getting desperate (or pissed off). He makes more plans for himself. On his return to the residence, he pays me a visit and asks if I'm up for sushi. I don't think so. Upon finding out that I was planning on chilling with the people on my floor, he proceeds to make some lewd innuendos and then storms out of my room angrily muttering to himself. It was a hilarious sight.
So what’s the point of my little story? To put it simply, maintaining friendships is no easy task. What I’m attempting to explain is that any friendship needs work to keep it from breaking down. So often, we take our friendships for granted and never envisage ourselves being one of the involuntary participants involved in the decomposition of our camaraderie. “Hyper dude” wanted to spend some times with his friends (or so I think. He might just have been looking to enjoy his weekend) but he kept getting pushed away. All of us spent our weekend together but he wasn’t there a single time except at a few meal times. I’ve known “Hyper dude” for almost six years now and we’ve been through a heck of a lot together involving travelling to Canada together and then living in the same residence on top of that.
If any reader gets the impression that I myself have the inclination of ending a friendship soon, then it’s just miscomprehension.
After graduation, you have e-mails being exchanged and promises to remain in touch are made in the hope of meeting each other again. It’s different studying in the Middle East. Everyone hopes to be admitted to a university in North America, so the chances of our meeting each other are slim. Sure, the occasional meetings are set up but eventually all contact with each other diminishes. Since graduation, I’ve barely talked to any graduate. It’s as if there’s nothing to talk about even though there are plenty of topics. We revel in telling interesting stories to each other in person, but when it’s over the net, it just doesn’t seem to be appealing. So, whenever one chat buddy asks the other “What’s up?” (Or something to the effect) the other chat buddy simply replies “Nothing.” I’m living with “Hyper dude” and if all plays out the way I’m certain they shall, we’ll be living or at least seeing a lot of each other for another four years. However, there has hardly been a single time that we’ve been at a loss for topics to converse about. When you’re talking to someone in person, every topic becomes interesting and you talk about anything and everything. The personal touch is lost when people go their own ways.
When I think about the number of friends that I’ve made over the years, I’m hard-pressed to find a single one that I feel I still am as closely linked to. I have a friend “Pikloo” in the University of British Columbia with whom I feel that not even time can touch our friendship. I don’t know whether he has the same impression but I owe him a significantly large debt of gratitude that I’m yet to express and I found that his assisting me formed a connection that is not easily broken. I always took his friendship for granted for I just feel that it is not going to end. It’s rare that I’ve connected to anyone and for me to have formed a friendship that I cherish is something that has me confused. Even as I write this, I look back and wonder whether there is a similar friendship that may have sprung up in my life.
The first person who comes to mind is none other than a guy who I’ve been friends with for over twelve years. Let’s call him “Artsie”. There was a six year gap where we went our own ways and as expected, our friendship waned. Contact with each other decreased and it was only the prospect of meeting up again in university that rekindled the old friendship. However, I feel that I’ve changed so much since then that my sense of fun is no longer the same as his and that has adversely affected our friendship. Now I see him being better friends with "Hyper dude"”. That brings another point to mind that I’ll address shortly.
To continue thinking of more people, I can think of only two others. The first is “Bundar” who has several similar interests as me and that helped us get along famously.
I always considered myself as having characteristics so diverse that I could be friends with anyone. However, it’s so uncommon to make friends with someone who is interested in the same things that I am. Normally I’m interested in the same things that others are. These sentences maybe perplexing so to put them in another way, I find that I need to involve myself with their fascinations. I believe it’s because I do not prefer to talk about myself and instead tend to focus on them. It was an unexpected yet delightful occasion to meet someone like Bundar.
The other person who came to mind is “Sis”. I don’t know how strong my friendship was with Sis. I do know that I’m grateful to her too since she really broadened my narrow horizons. I understood so much and I think I found out so much about myself too. It’s with regret that I think that I never managed to help her likewise. Contrary to my friendship with Pikloo, I always knew that sooner or later Sis and I would part ways. According to Pubilus Syrus, “The friendship that can come to an end, never really began.” Ironically, this quote was in a book of friendship that she gave me. I struggled quite voraciously to keep the friendship going but it was inevitable. Even though I knew when the separation began, I found the separation itself surprising. I didn’t think it would end as abruptly as it did. Dwelling on it, I think that it’s not just the friendship that I miss. It’s her as well. However, I once again looked to my logical mind for guidance. Logic dictates that missing someone is not rational. It just distracts the person and doesn’t help in any way. So, I continue.
What surprises me is that "Hyper dude” is not on the list. Well, it’s not surprising when I think about it but I took it for granted that he would “grace” the list since I’ve known him so well for so long. I just felt that there wasn’t anything in common between the two of us and that never really allowed me to form a friendship with him that I would consider eternal. I can safely say that I expect it to last for several years but I do know that it’ll never progress past the point on which it’s stagnated currently. I would chalk this up as my fault since I believe that over the years I've become more remote and distant with all my friends. It’s nothing that I regret.
Just by reading over this, I get the impression that I only form close friendships when I owe the person for helping me along in life when I felt excitement and motivation had abated. Every new day would bring the same sights to my eyes and I felt my life had set into ruts. It was these people who helped me shed those ruts and make my own path, I suppose.
To get back to the point I mentioned earlier. The concept of being best friends is something that though I’m personally familiar with, I do not understand wholly. However, an idea that occurred to me (though I’m not sure if it’s valid at all) is that considering someone your best friend is a way of distancing yourself from the other friends. Almost like racism in a way. I don’t think I’ve had a best friend since I entered my teens. I just had a large group of friends who I treated the same. I never felt that I should spend more of my time with a specific friend in the hope of establishing a “best friend link”. So, for those of my friends who think that they mean nothing to me just because I didn’t mention them here “I no doubt deserve my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends”. Anyhow, you should be grateful in a way that I didn't mention you. It seems I’m writing all this to lose my friends.
I still feel that I haven’t accomplished anything besides organising my thoughts. I think I need to muse over whatever I’ve said to extract a reason for thinking all of this. Ha! I feel like Yoda. His response to every deep topic was “Meditate over this, I shall!”
I’ve thrown in all those friendship quotes for no apparent reason. Perhaps it was an effort to show that I’m not alone in my way of thinking.
I’ve been accused of being ruthless. I would prefer to qualify that remark. Ruthless I may be, but I’m still curious. I would be ruthless because I just don’t care about so many things. I don’t care to make small talk with people. My desire is to have conversations where I can come out having heard something worth knowing. However, I’ll be the first one to step up and say that idle chatter is essential to maintaining friendships. However, my lack of concern for small talk makes me ruthless I suppose. Besides that, I’m also unemotional and have no patience for people who fall victim to my sharp tongue. So I won’t deny that I can be classified ruthless.
My curiosity still plays a large role though. I may not be curious about the little things that people do, but I’m curious about the people themselves. I analyse everyone in the attempt to understand them better. I don’t know what I stand to gain from that. By knowing someone, it becomes easier to predict their actions. I’m no fan of unpleasant surprises and I guess this is my countermeasure.
Where I started out in an attempt to try my hand at expressing my thoughts where I was just going to jib “Hyper dude”, I’ve managed to develop a few pages of intense philosophy which eventually morphed into me talking about myself.
A conversation with “Hyper dude” that initiated while I was typing this out was about his blog. He likes blogging because it gives him the chance to get everything out in the open and finally express what’s been on his mind. It’s like that Pensieve that Albus Dumbledore has. One can finally collect one’s thoughts and piece them together when one feels that the brain can hold no more. I, on the other hand, feel everything should be kept in my mind. That way, I can pick them apart and analyse them to allow me to fully appreciate what they denote. Only then, I can express them since I’m aware that I’ve looked at them from every angle and am confident of what I say. So no matter how much information I seem to be giving out, the receptor only grasps what I want them to know.
What a waste of two hours. I could have slept these hours away blissfully ignorant of these unanswered topics until another moment triggers their release into my conscious mind. Then I would have been inclined to sift through them at my own leisure, in my own mind. “However, what happened happened for a reason and wouldn’t have happened any other way.” (I might as well throw in a line from The Matrix too). It’s not fate. There’s no such thing. I don’t live for the moment or let chance dictate my life. I make my own moments.
I don’t know why I’m writing this out then. I guess it’s my way of venting a few pent up thoughts. Or perhaps I just want to give people the brief opportunity of understanding me. Doesn’t matter what the reason is.
"Hyper dude" wanted to mess around this past weekend. He seemed pretty disappointed that none of us were interested. So he goes off and makes his own plans for the weekend. Comes back the next day (after being gone all day), emphatically calls us “fools” and then tries again to make plans with us. Once again, he is shot down. Why would we want to go out and end up doing nothing worthwhile? Sorry “Hyper dude” but your excursions don’t seem rather appealing to me. I preferred to stay home and play Generals on the LAN. “Hyper dude” seems to be getting desperate (or pissed off). He makes more plans for himself. On his return to the residence, he pays me a visit and asks if I'm up for sushi. I don't think so. Upon finding out that I was planning on chilling with the people on my floor, he proceeds to make some lewd innuendos and then storms out of my room angrily muttering to himself. It was a hilarious sight.
So what’s the point of my little story? To put it simply, maintaining friendships is no easy task. What I’m attempting to explain is that any friendship needs work to keep it from breaking down. So often, we take our friendships for granted and never envisage ourselves being one of the involuntary participants involved in the decomposition of our camaraderie. “Hyper dude” wanted to spend some times with his friends (or so I think. He might just have been looking to enjoy his weekend) but he kept getting pushed away. All of us spent our weekend together but he wasn’t there a single time except at a few meal times. I’ve known “Hyper dude” for almost six years now and we’ve been through a heck of a lot together involving travelling to Canada together and then living in the same residence on top of that.
If any reader gets the impression that I myself have the inclination of ending a friendship soon, then it’s just miscomprehension.
After graduation, you have e-mails being exchanged and promises to remain in touch are made in the hope of meeting each other again. It’s different studying in the Middle East. Everyone hopes to be admitted to a university in North America, so the chances of our meeting each other are slim. Sure, the occasional meetings are set up but eventually all contact with each other diminishes. Since graduation, I’ve barely talked to any graduate. It’s as if there’s nothing to talk about even though there are plenty of topics. We revel in telling interesting stories to each other in person, but when it’s over the net, it just doesn’t seem to be appealing. So, whenever one chat buddy asks the other “What’s up?” (Or something to the effect) the other chat buddy simply replies “Nothing.” I’m living with “Hyper dude” and if all plays out the way I’m certain they shall, we’ll be living or at least seeing a lot of each other for another four years. However, there has hardly been a single time that we’ve been at a loss for topics to converse about. When you’re talking to someone in person, every topic becomes interesting and you talk about anything and everything. The personal touch is lost when people go their own ways.
When I think about the number of friends that I’ve made over the years, I’m hard-pressed to find a single one that I feel I still am as closely linked to. I have a friend “Pikloo” in the University of British Columbia with whom I feel that not even time can touch our friendship. I don’t know whether he has the same impression but I owe him a significantly large debt of gratitude that I’m yet to express and I found that his assisting me formed a connection that is not easily broken. I always took his friendship for granted for I just feel that it is not going to end. It’s rare that I’ve connected to anyone and for me to have formed a friendship that I cherish is something that has me confused. Even as I write this, I look back and wonder whether there is a similar friendship that may have sprung up in my life.
The first person who comes to mind is none other than a guy who I’ve been friends with for over twelve years. Let’s call him “Artsie”. There was a six year gap where we went our own ways and as expected, our friendship waned. Contact with each other decreased and it was only the prospect of meeting up again in university that rekindled the old friendship. However, I feel that I’ve changed so much since then that my sense of fun is no longer the same as his and that has adversely affected our friendship. Now I see him being better friends with "Hyper dude"”. That brings another point to mind that I’ll address shortly.
To continue thinking of more people, I can think of only two others. The first is “Bundar” who has several similar interests as me and that helped us get along famously.
I always considered myself as having characteristics so diverse that I could be friends with anyone. However, it’s so uncommon to make friends with someone who is interested in the same things that I am. Normally I’m interested in the same things that others are. These sentences maybe perplexing so to put them in another way, I find that I need to involve myself with their fascinations. I believe it’s because I do not prefer to talk about myself and instead tend to focus on them. It was an unexpected yet delightful occasion to meet someone like Bundar.
The other person who came to mind is “Sis”. I don’t know how strong my friendship was with Sis. I do know that I’m grateful to her too since she really broadened my narrow horizons. I understood so much and I think I found out so much about myself too. It’s with regret that I think that I never managed to help her likewise. Contrary to my friendship with Pikloo, I always knew that sooner or later Sis and I would part ways. According to Pubilus Syrus, “The friendship that can come to an end, never really began.” Ironically, this quote was in a book of friendship that she gave me. I struggled quite voraciously to keep the friendship going but it was inevitable. Even though I knew when the separation began, I found the separation itself surprising. I didn’t think it would end as abruptly as it did. Dwelling on it, I think that it’s not just the friendship that I miss. It’s her as well. However, I once again looked to my logical mind for guidance. Logic dictates that missing someone is not rational. It just distracts the person and doesn’t help in any way. So, I continue.
What surprises me is that "Hyper dude” is not on the list. Well, it’s not surprising when I think about it but I took it for granted that he would “grace” the list since I’ve known him so well for so long. I just felt that there wasn’t anything in common between the two of us and that never really allowed me to form a friendship with him that I would consider eternal. I can safely say that I expect it to last for several years but I do know that it’ll never progress past the point on which it’s stagnated currently. I would chalk this up as my fault since I believe that over the years I've become more remote and distant with all my friends. It’s nothing that I regret.
Just by reading over this, I get the impression that I only form close friendships when I owe the person for helping me along in life when I felt excitement and motivation had abated. Every new day would bring the same sights to my eyes and I felt my life had set into ruts. It was these people who helped me shed those ruts and make my own path, I suppose.
To get back to the point I mentioned earlier. The concept of being best friends is something that though I’m personally familiar with, I do not understand wholly. However, an idea that occurred to me (though I’m not sure if it’s valid at all) is that considering someone your best friend is a way of distancing yourself from the other friends. Almost like racism in a way. I don’t think I’ve had a best friend since I entered my teens. I just had a large group of friends who I treated the same. I never felt that I should spend more of my time with a specific friend in the hope of establishing a “best friend link”. So, for those of my friends who think that they mean nothing to me just because I didn’t mention them here “I no doubt deserve my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends”. Anyhow, you should be grateful in a way that I didn't mention you. It seems I’m writing all this to lose my friends.
I still feel that I haven’t accomplished anything besides organising my thoughts. I think I need to muse over whatever I’ve said to extract a reason for thinking all of this. Ha! I feel like Yoda. His response to every deep topic was “Meditate over this, I shall!”
I’ve thrown in all those friendship quotes for no apparent reason. Perhaps it was an effort to show that I’m not alone in my way of thinking.
I’ve been accused of being ruthless. I would prefer to qualify that remark. Ruthless I may be, but I’m still curious. I would be ruthless because I just don’t care about so many things. I don’t care to make small talk with people. My desire is to have conversations where I can come out having heard something worth knowing. However, I’ll be the first one to step up and say that idle chatter is essential to maintaining friendships. However, my lack of concern for small talk makes me ruthless I suppose. Besides that, I’m also unemotional and have no patience for people who fall victim to my sharp tongue. So I won’t deny that I can be classified ruthless.
My curiosity still plays a large role though. I may not be curious about the little things that people do, but I’m curious about the people themselves. I analyse everyone in the attempt to understand them better. I don’t know what I stand to gain from that. By knowing someone, it becomes easier to predict their actions. I’m no fan of unpleasant surprises and I guess this is my countermeasure.
Where I started out in an attempt to try my hand at expressing my thoughts where I was just going to jib “Hyper dude”, I’ve managed to develop a few pages of intense philosophy which eventually morphed into me talking about myself.
A conversation with “Hyper dude” that initiated while I was typing this out was about his blog. He likes blogging because it gives him the chance to get everything out in the open and finally express what’s been on his mind. It’s like that Pensieve that Albus Dumbledore has. One can finally collect one’s thoughts and piece them together when one feels that the brain can hold no more. I, on the other hand, feel everything should be kept in my mind. That way, I can pick them apart and analyse them to allow me to fully appreciate what they denote. Only then, I can express them since I’m aware that I’ve looked at them from every angle and am confident of what I say. So no matter how much information I seem to be giving out, the receptor only grasps what I want them to know.
What a waste of two hours. I could have slept these hours away blissfully ignorant of these unanswered topics until another moment triggers their release into my conscious mind. Then I would have been inclined to sift through them at my own leisure, in my own mind. “However, what happened happened for a reason and wouldn’t have happened any other way.” (I might as well throw in a line from The Matrix too). It’s not fate. There’s no such thing. I don’t live for the moment or let chance dictate my life. I make my own moments.
