Cessation
I’m getting soft. It’s been ages since I’ve been touched by anything. Besides a few straggling memories, I can’t remember when I was moved by anything.
I wonder if I’ll know when my death is coming. For a few precious minutes before I pass away, I wonder what my thoughts will concern. It may not be so much a question of what but of whom. I would like to have a heads up since I like to think that during those dear minutes, I might be able to make peace with everything.
I do not know how I’ll spend my last few minutes. Will I break down and be uncontrollably emotional? I don’t show sorrow. Instead I show anger. However, will that change when the time comes? Will I bravely face my death and know that I’ve lived a good life? Or will I depart this life with the glorious and noble death that so many with could characterise them? To die saving the life of another soul; to sacrifice myself so that another may live. I doubt that my demise will grant me something so heroic.
Why is it that I wish for a heroic death? Is it so that others believe that I had a good soul and will pardon me for my sins in light of my last action? I don’t believe that whole-heartedly. It may play a small factor but ultimately two reasons will help me decide. The selfless side of my character will urge me to go ahead allowing that person to benefit from my deed. The selfish side of me will also encourage me to forfeit my life so that I know that at last my life had purpose and meaning. I was born to save another. Also, perhaps the ultimate surrender is my closing on the argument that I’ve made to so many. In a world like ours, altruistic acts still exist. People still carry out goodwill tasks. I’m not talking about small-scale attempts but major ones. Even the tiny efforts of benevolence keep the fight going. However, so many cynics will only heed my words when they are presented with a situation that makes them open their eyes to another side of a human character – Kindness.
Sometimes a wish doesn’t come true because the person didn’t seize the opportunity to help themselves fulfil that wish. I may wish for a heroic death but I do not know whether I’ll be able to go ahead and take this prospect. Suppose I see a person about to get run over. I know that I can run over and push them out of the way. Will I be wilful enough to go through with the rescue? Will I find that my body has turned to stone and I can not move no matter how much I wish to? Will I just turn my back on that person’s need for aid and comfort myself by thinking that I was not expected to save that person? Or will this ruthless side of me want to see the accident? Anything’s possible. Like I’ve said so often – When presented with a solution, I don’t know how often my resolve will hold up.
I’d like to go back to my previous question. Will I use my last few minutes thinking about some topic or about some person? What topic? Which person? Or will I squander my time thinking that I’m too young to die or do not deserve to die? I do not know whether I will whine since whining on my death-bed won’t help.
If I think about some topic, will I experience the proverbial “life flashing before my eyes”? Will I go through the events in my life that I felt were worth remembering? Or will I whine about all the things that I wanted to do?
If I think about people, who would they be? The obvious answer would be family. Yet, that’s not the first answer to run through my mind. I’ve mentioned before that missing someone is pointless. It may make that someone feel loved and wanted but it does nothing for the person whose heart is aching. In this case, I think that though I will think briefly of my family, it would only be in a short prayer where I wish for their protection, comfort and happiness. There is nothing more special than having a family but thinking of the people who helped me become who I am would mean that in a way, I’m looking over my life. I would prefer to think of people who’ve guided me.
When I think about being in a relationship, I often wonder whether my potential girlfriend would be better without me. Wouldn’t she be happier with someone besides a cold fish? If she does fall in love with me and after a while, my emotionless side drives her off then she will be hurt because of me. I don’t want to hurt any girl simply because I couldn’t show an emotion. I don’t know how devastated I would be, knowing that I caused another to suffer. It’s thoughts like these that strengthen my resolve to remain single until I’m ready. I know that I’m not expected to marry the first person I date but I would like to begin dating once I have more to offer to a girl. More than what I can give right now. A personality with warmth is beyond my limit. I fold.
I’ve begun considering the demise of this blog. I’ve not needed an outlet for my emotions and thoughts thus far so why should I begin now? Am I hoping that by starting off on the internet, I will eventually be able to open up to friends and family? Or, do I like the confusion I caused initially when people realised that I wasn’t the person they thought I was? I guess it was just my childish side wishing to be mysterious. Perhaps I liked receiving comments from others. It could possibly be an attempt by me to start caring about what others think. Sure, writing my thoughts down does help but do I really need to publish them? I can just type everything out and store them on my computer.
Instead of shutting down the blog, I could instead start relating my daily events. Though they will be uninteresting to others, they can provide me with the means to look back from the future and remember what I used to do.
I’ve received a few complaints that my chapters are too long. It’s not like I’m forcing anyone to read them. If they actually do struggle through each edition, then I’m slightly pleased to know that I do have their interest. However, knowing that it’s an exertion on their behalf to just get started dampens my spirits since I know that they aren’t intrigued enough to read my newest chapter straightaway instead of worrying about the length.
I don’t have much to say since I’ve rattled on for two days straight. Now, I can take a week off to consider authoring a new chapter and deciding what it should be about.
I wonder if I’ll know when my death is coming. For a few precious minutes before I pass away, I wonder what my thoughts will concern. It may not be so much a question of what but of whom. I would like to have a heads up since I like to think that during those dear minutes, I might be able to make peace with everything.
I do not know how I’ll spend my last few minutes. Will I break down and be uncontrollably emotional? I don’t show sorrow. Instead I show anger. However, will that change when the time comes? Will I bravely face my death and know that I’ve lived a good life? Or will I depart this life with the glorious and noble death that so many with could characterise them? To die saving the life of another soul; to sacrifice myself so that another may live. I doubt that my demise will grant me something so heroic.
Why is it that I wish for a heroic death? Is it so that others believe that I had a good soul and will pardon me for my sins in light of my last action? I don’t believe that whole-heartedly. It may play a small factor but ultimately two reasons will help me decide. The selfless side of my character will urge me to go ahead allowing that person to benefit from my deed. The selfish side of me will also encourage me to forfeit my life so that I know that at last my life had purpose and meaning. I was born to save another. Also, perhaps the ultimate surrender is my closing on the argument that I’ve made to so many. In a world like ours, altruistic acts still exist. People still carry out goodwill tasks. I’m not talking about small-scale attempts but major ones. Even the tiny efforts of benevolence keep the fight going. However, so many cynics will only heed my words when they are presented with a situation that makes them open their eyes to another side of a human character – Kindness.
Sometimes a wish doesn’t come true because the person didn’t seize the opportunity to help themselves fulfil that wish. I may wish for a heroic death but I do not know whether I’ll be able to go ahead and take this prospect. Suppose I see a person about to get run over. I know that I can run over and push them out of the way. Will I be wilful enough to go through with the rescue? Will I find that my body has turned to stone and I can not move no matter how much I wish to? Will I just turn my back on that person’s need for aid and comfort myself by thinking that I was not expected to save that person? Or will this ruthless side of me want to see the accident? Anything’s possible. Like I’ve said so often – When presented with a solution, I don’t know how often my resolve will hold up.
I’d like to go back to my previous question. Will I use my last few minutes thinking about some topic or about some person? What topic? Which person? Or will I squander my time thinking that I’m too young to die or do not deserve to die? I do not know whether I will whine since whining on my death-bed won’t help.
If I think about some topic, will I experience the proverbial “life flashing before my eyes”? Will I go through the events in my life that I felt were worth remembering? Or will I whine about all the things that I wanted to do?
If I think about people, who would they be? The obvious answer would be family. Yet, that’s not the first answer to run through my mind. I’ve mentioned before that missing someone is pointless. It may make that someone feel loved and wanted but it does nothing for the person whose heart is aching. In this case, I think that though I will think briefly of my family, it would only be in a short prayer where I wish for their protection, comfort and happiness. There is nothing more special than having a family but thinking of the people who helped me become who I am would mean that in a way, I’m looking over my life. I would prefer to think of people who’ve guided me.
When I think about being in a relationship, I often wonder whether my potential girlfriend would be better without me. Wouldn’t she be happier with someone besides a cold fish? If she does fall in love with me and after a while, my emotionless side drives her off then she will be hurt because of me. I don’t want to hurt any girl simply because I couldn’t show an emotion. I don’t know how devastated I would be, knowing that I caused another to suffer. It’s thoughts like these that strengthen my resolve to remain single until I’m ready. I know that I’m not expected to marry the first person I date but I would like to begin dating once I have more to offer to a girl. More than what I can give right now. A personality with warmth is beyond my limit. I fold.
I’ve begun considering the demise of this blog. I’ve not needed an outlet for my emotions and thoughts thus far so why should I begin now? Am I hoping that by starting off on the internet, I will eventually be able to open up to friends and family? Or, do I like the confusion I caused initially when people realised that I wasn’t the person they thought I was? I guess it was just my childish side wishing to be mysterious. Perhaps I liked receiving comments from others. It could possibly be an attempt by me to start caring about what others think. Sure, writing my thoughts down does help but do I really need to publish them? I can just type everything out and store them on my computer.
Instead of shutting down the blog, I could instead start relating my daily events. Though they will be uninteresting to others, they can provide me with the means to look back from the future and remember what I used to do.
I’ve received a few complaints that my chapters are too long. It’s not like I’m forcing anyone to read them. If they actually do struggle through each edition, then I’m slightly pleased to know that I do have their interest. However, knowing that it’s an exertion on their behalf to just get started dampens my spirits since I know that they aren’t intrigued enough to read my newest chapter straightaway instead of worrying about the length.
I don’t have much to say since I’ve rattled on for two days straight. Now, I can take a week off to consider authoring a new chapter and deciding what it should be about.
