Nicety & Decency

I’m in love with a girl.
The girl’s in love with me.
My best friend loves the girl.

I don’t know what I would do. I’ve doubted myself so many times as to whether I’ll be able to go through with what I want to do. However, when the time comes around, I always do what I wanted to do when I thought about the problem beforehand. I just hope that my ‘wants’ remain unselfish and that my actions fulfil those wants.

Once I became aware of the situation, my first thought was that I should let my friend ‘have’ the girl. It’s almost like handing over a piece of property. In that case, it’s the most prized possession that a man can have. I don’t think ‘having’ the girl is the same as having a measly piece of property but a solution to problems, a guide to happiness and above all the last piece of the puzzle. The person who completes the guy. It’s not that I don’t want the girl for myself but I should step back and wish the best for my friend. It would involve breaking a heart but the heart would ‘heal’ later on. I’m not going to say much on this matter. I talked earlier about how I would give up my life if humanity would benefit greatly from it. Similarly, I’m willing to shed a tear alone rather than laugh with a girl by my side and a saddened friend in the shadows. “I love you so much that I wish you to be loved even after I’m gone.” Sappy line. Really sappy. But so deep! Yaar “Hyper Dude”, I’ll argue with you later.

“Bandit” has asked me on a few occasions why I’m so nice. Does that really matter to anyone? The point is that I’m nice so they should be happy with that. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” I myself have never delved too deeply into figuring out why I’m so nice. The world is too skeptical to believe the reasons I’ve given them and that makes me doubt my own drives. I doubt my own motives yet I never stray from being nice.

Why do I work in silence so that others aren’t disturbed?
Why do I remain uncomfortable so that others are comfortable?
Why do I wakeup to give wakeup calls?
Why do I give my seat up to others?
Why do I work so that others may rest?
Why do I listen so that others may unburden but not unburden myself?
Why do I wish for others to be happy even at the expense of my own?
Why do I wish for my friend to have love when it means I must ignore my own?

All these acts seem so common and won’t strike any of you as being different from what you do. I’m glad if you feel that way for that means that nicety is not as rare as some people think. Yet, I guess that I’m considered nicer only because my actions occur more frequently and because I put more effort (I hope) in to them.

When “Sis” asked me why I was so nice (after I finally stopped annoying her), I told her that it was the happiness of others that I wanted. If they were happy, then I was happy. It was such a cliché line but it was what I believed. I think her scorn was the most discouraging of all. The other people who scoffed were my own friends! Just seems that no one believes in selfless acts anymore and that saddens me. I don’t intend on becoming a doormat nor should anyone else. The disbelief that I received from others just made me feel as if they were belittling one of my greatest principles. I still feel so helpless when someone picks on that tenet of mine because I know that arguing won’t help and I can’t change their view at that time. Hopefully, they’ll eventually realise that I’m not lying to them or to myself.

So “Bandit”, to give you a straight answer, I’m nice because I want others to be happy above all else. If anyone is looking for a selfish motive on my behalf, consider this: My personal gain from all this is my own happiness. That’ll be my drive.

The doubts that I harbour remain. I wonder whether I’m nice now because I’m expected to be, because I was raised to be and because I am meant to be. Do I really care whether others only think good things when they think of me? Do I care so much that I’m nice simply because of that? I decided a long time ago that the reason didn’t matter. The fact that I was nice was the only thing that mattered.

To my group here in Chestnut, I want to tell you guys that my exercises are done in the gym and nowhere else.

I think a few people have so much to say to me.

“Powerpuff” & “Bandit”, in case you know where my thoughts are coming from, then you’re only half right. Thoughts and feelings were always there. They were just invoked now.

“Midas”, I know you don’t have much to say “dammit”. Tsk! No need to call me an “ass”.

“Artsie”, I’m actually confused on how you’d react. Your infusion with “Hyper Dude”itis is quite acute. However, I feel that you’ll understand what I’m trying to say and will dutifully play out your role of being a friend either by not arguing or by letting me know if you KNOW that I’m confused (I have doubts about the latter) If I’m wrong, then say what you want to me. No need to be silent just because I expect you to be.

“Puff”, I’ll talk to you in depth about this anyway so I don’t feel I need to say anything to you right now. However, you’ve always been supportive, so I don’t think you’ll fell my pillar.

Parents, the above case is completely theoretical. Don’t start wringing your hands and asking Allah what happened to your baby.

“Banana Man”, I haven’t forgotten you but you won’t have anything to say. I should have the comments option active on my blog but I largely feel that I want no feedback.

There’s no one else to mention. The other characters that I’ve named in earlier blogs won’t have anything to say about this either.

Ok “Hyper Dude”. I feel that you’re bursting with things to say that contradict me. Let me see if I can at least present my side of the argument before you ‘unleash’. I don’t know what you really think of girls, but I know that you’re a decent guy. You consider my biggest fault to be my lack of emotions. Well, I really don’t argue against that. However, my lack of emotions is also my greatest asset. So many of my actions would have achieved nothing if I got emotional about them. Like the problem I described in the first three lines. It would be easier for me to ‘brush off’ the girl and help her be happier with my friend if I can put my own emotions aside and help my friend. If she’s definitely going to be happy with my friend, then I don’t need to be in the equation. Being part of someone’s life is just as important as not being in it. Not letting emotions control me, means I can achieve a lot more. I guess it could be said that I went too far in controlling my emotions. That doesn’t matter. I might have harmed myself but I don’t think I’ve ruined any of my ways of helping others. Actually, you have other arguments too, but I can’t remember what the others are and the one that I can remember, I can’t talk about here in depth. What I talked about above is a theoretical situation which I hope and I doubt will never happen. However, anything similar can follow the same lines.

In fact, I think I’m unemotional enough to talk to a friend about his faults to his face. My intention would be to help him become a better person and make everyone happier but I would also not care too much if he got offended and stopped talking to me.

If you want me to cry with you, then find someone else. If you want me to feel for you, good luck. If you want me to sympathise for you, fat chance. If you want me to help you, I’m your man. If you want me to laugh with you, I’ll give you a guffaw or two.

I think emotions are necessary and really make a person’s character complete. “Midas” said that emotions are ‘sexy’. I don’t know how to respond to that. It’s probably not even my place to remark on that. If that’s what she thinks, then it’s up to her and not to me to argue with her. However, I don’t feel that I need to show my emotions. Who’s interested in having a sappy conversation, anyway? I think I could hold up my end in such a conversation but I doubt I’d initiate it. Anyone, who wants to try getting a rise out of me, is more than welcome.

“Yeah, it’s just that lately, I’ve been feeling that life’s getting me down.”  Me.
“Aww, why? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been feeling so stressed out and just don’t know what to do.”
“Talk to me about it.”
“I can’t say. Every morning, I feel so overwhelmed and can’t get myself out of bed.”

I rather fancy having a conversation that goes something like:

“Yeah, it’s just that lately, I’ve been finding it hard to sit down.”
“Aww, why? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I’m a pretty sanitary guy but I’ve got a rash on my arse.”
“Don’t talk to me about it. Gross.”
“I can’t say. Every morning, I feel like my whole arse is on fire and can’t get myself out of bed.”

If you want to see me emotional, then you’ll need to talk to me about something that really touches me. Ironic part here is that I’m too unemotional to let anyone know what touches me. So… tough tamales!