Is This Life?
Instead of being part of the group, I’ve fallen down the ranks to become just a casual spectator. I no longer witness the fun moments with my friends. Rather, I hear about them the next day. I don’t get involved with what goes on, I just watch. It’s almost as if I’m just a fly on the wall when I’m with my friends. I miss out on everything because I’m asleep early whereas the others gather to mess around.
A couple of Sundays ago, we tried setting up a friend of mine, with a girl who, we had a hunch, he liked. Well, not really ‘we’, since I was once again, more of a spectator. Watching him struggling to stop us from talking to the girl and then trying to undo the mess, made me laugh. Afterwards, the others were trying to urge him to make a move. He was so… so ‘defiant’? He kept insisting he didn’t like her as anything more than a friend. Even while I watched the scene, I was wondering about being in his position.
I’ve realised that even though I ‘lust’ for it sometimes, I’m not really ready to be in a relationship. Well, perhaps I am, but I’m not willing to be committed into being with one person for much of my free time. Free time is already rare enough to come by. I prefer not to have to spend it with someone. Thinking over all the things that being in a relationship meant, I found myself more disillusioned from the lack of glamour that I had imagined it to be.
Recently, a friend of mine went to a desi party and he sort of hooked up for a toned-down one-night stand (phrased in the worst-way possible). The lust inside me rose again, but really, is that what I as a person want? I really doubt it so I suppressed desire yet again.
My friends all want to go to a club together. They say it’ll be fun. Lust makes the offer tempting. Principles overrule. Clubs are just pathetic in my opinion and I rather never see the inside of one, even if it is just ‘for the experience’.
Speaking of principles, I think I’ve let mine slip quite far. Though I haven’t even scraped the surface, I think that wherever I let my principles slacken even a bit, I came off as a worse person.
Desis think that because of their culture, they are restricted from doing so many things. Well, no one is really stopping them. There are several desis who accepted the western culture and found it to be better. Yet, for all of those who spend their time wishing to be part of the western culture, they’re just wasting away because they aren’t enjoying the life they have. Instead, they want to be like the others. Please, just get a bit of spunk and do something about it instead of taking every single damn opportunity to complain about it!
I’ve been talking to a cousin of mine a lot recently. Our conversations are essentially pointless, as mine are with every person who I consider a dear friend. We’ve developed the same lust but neither of us saw the point of going ahead and getting a relationship.
Desire is nothing here. The second I give in to desire is the second that I drop my grades. It doesn’t really matter what I want to do anymore. It’s all about doing what I have to do. Isn’t that a life of slavery? Yet I have a choice. I’m not bound to this life.
So many people talk about how university life was the best thing that ever happened to them. I wonder how many of them were in engineering. Last year, I lived like a non-engineer and I had a blast. This year, I’m being more of an engineer, and have not had fun a single time except for when I went to Wonderland. It’s effectively been a whole term since I’ve gone out.
There’s no one special in my life… physically, I mean. There’s no one that I can meet and enjoy myself with. All the people, that I like talking to, are only present on the other side of the world. On this side, I’m in a group of friends. That itself is the problem. There’s no one person at any time. I can’t say that I’m meeting e.g. “Fartsie” without e.g. “Zub” being there. It’s always like that.
I haven’t had the urge to hang out with my friends. Sure, I miss out on a few good times, but there really is no appeal to be with them. Our conversations revolve around the same things all the time. I know that people suggest talking to friends when one feels down. I don’t want to talk to my friends. I know what they will say. There’s nothing new for me. I’m bored. The ones I do want to talk to, can’t be found alone for a long enough time to just hang out and talk about whatever.
So what am I getting at? Am I getting upset and lonely? I doubt that. Am I losing my sense of fun and just fading into a book? I guess so. It is tough going through 9 hours of classes followed by 3 hours more of work. I guess I’m not cut out for that. It just seems that no matter how much effort I put in, I’m not getting past a certain point. I’m not better this year, but then so is everyone else. I’m not in the top percentile of my class anymore… I’m just an average Joe sitting at the back of the class getting grades that aren’t worth comparing to my marks from when I used to be someone.
It just seems to me that the path I’ve taken isn’t going to take me towards my dream life. I’m not saying it’s because I’m in engineering, but I believe it’s because I’m just gearing up to go in to a competitive world and strive to be the best. All I really want is to be content and have a leisurely life where I don’t have to worry about work all the time. I see all these businesspeople on the streets and in our classes who talk about who they are and what work they do. I just wonder whether they are really happy. Are they getting up daily to do what they love? Is there ever something that they would love to do but just don’t have the time/resources or whatever?
Much like with my feeling of lust from before, I have this overwhelming desire to travel the world not to see different civilizations but to see various landscapes. I want to personally witness the scenery that I’ve only seen in pictures. Then what? What will I do once I’m there? Take a picture and call it a day? Is that how shallow my desires are?
I want to travel to space and finally be amongst the stars that I’ve often cast my eyes up towards. Then what? I’ll float around for a while, admire the view and then?
No matter what I think of, I know that in a very short period of time, I’ll turn my thoughts towards the very thing that I want to get away from - Civilization.
I’ve often said that I rather lead than conform. I rather do something different and risky than take the safe way that is laid out. Yet, all I’m doing is taking the safe path. I’m walking towards a secure future where I just need to work hard to do well. Then where is the excitement? Where is the freedom? I don’t care when, but I would love to be able to get up and go wherever I want, whenever I want. If I want to go to Australia or New Zealand for a week’s vacation, then I want to be able to leave without wondering about my job or about what’s going on in the place I just left. Whatever… I’m talking about desires again - The very thing that has to be suppressed within me for as long as I’m in university. As far as great university lives go, I’ve written them off.
A friend of mine told me that I’d be a much better person if I’d stop being a martyr. She’s definitely right but it’s so easy to wallow in self-pity when you believe that nothing’s right in your world. It’s not something that I intend to let continue, but for now, I’m just pissed with the life I’m living and I want a change. Yet, any change could possibly let my grades slip again. So, I’m just sticking to this rut. For as long as it keeps me focused. Argh!
A couple of Sundays ago, we tried setting up a friend of mine, with a girl who, we had a hunch, he liked. Well, not really ‘we’, since I was once again, more of a spectator. Watching him struggling to stop us from talking to the girl and then trying to undo the mess, made me laugh. Afterwards, the others were trying to urge him to make a move. He was so… so ‘defiant’? He kept insisting he didn’t like her as anything more than a friend. Even while I watched the scene, I was wondering about being in his position.
I’ve realised that even though I ‘lust’ for it sometimes, I’m not really ready to be in a relationship. Well, perhaps I am, but I’m not willing to be committed into being with one person for much of my free time. Free time is already rare enough to come by. I prefer not to have to spend it with someone. Thinking over all the things that being in a relationship meant, I found myself more disillusioned from the lack of glamour that I had imagined it to be.
Recently, a friend of mine went to a desi party and he sort of hooked up for a toned-down one-night stand (phrased in the worst-way possible). The lust inside me rose again, but really, is that what I as a person want? I really doubt it so I suppressed desire yet again.
My friends all want to go to a club together. They say it’ll be fun. Lust makes the offer tempting. Principles overrule. Clubs are just pathetic in my opinion and I rather never see the inside of one, even if it is just ‘for the experience’.
Speaking of principles, I think I’ve let mine slip quite far. Though I haven’t even scraped the surface, I think that wherever I let my principles slacken even a bit, I came off as a worse person.
Desis think that because of their culture, they are restricted from doing so many things. Well, no one is really stopping them. There are several desis who accepted the western culture and found it to be better. Yet, for all of those who spend their time wishing to be part of the western culture, they’re just wasting away because they aren’t enjoying the life they have. Instead, they want to be like the others. Please, just get a bit of spunk and do something about it instead of taking every single damn opportunity to complain about it!
I’ve been talking to a cousin of mine a lot recently. Our conversations are essentially pointless, as mine are with every person who I consider a dear friend. We’ve developed the same lust but neither of us saw the point of going ahead and getting a relationship.
Desire is nothing here. The second I give in to desire is the second that I drop my grades. It doesn’t really matter what I want to do anymore. It’s all about doing what I have to do. Isn’t that a life of slavery? Yet I have a choice. I’m not bound to this life.
So many people talk about how university life was the best thing that ever happened to them. I wonder how many of them were in engineering. Last year, I lived like a non-engineer and I had a blast. This year, I’m being more of an engineer, and have not had fun a single time except for when I went to Wonderland. It’s effectively been a whole term since I’ve gone out.
There’s no one special in my life… physically, I mean. There’s no one that I can meet and enjoy myself with. All the people, that I like talking to, are only present on the other side of the world. On this side, I’m in a group of friends. That itself is the problem. There’s no one person at any time. I can’t say that I’m meeting e.g. “Fartsie” without e.g. “Zub” being there. It’s always like that.
I haven’t had the urge to hang out with my friends. Sure, I miss out on a few good times, but there really is no appeal to be with them. Our conversations revolve around the same things all the time. I know that people suggest talking to friends when one feels down. I don’t want to talk to my friends. I know what they will say. There’s nothing new for me. I’m bored. The ones I do want to talk to, can’t be found alone for a long enough time to just hang out and talk about whatever.
So what am I getting at? Am I getting upset and lonely? I doubt that. Am I losing my sense of fun and just fading into a book? I guess so. It is tough going through 9 hours of classes followed by 3 hours more of work. I guess I’m not cut out for that. It just seems that no matter how much effort I put in, I’m not getting past a certain point. I’m not better this year, but then so is everyone else. I’m not in the top percentile of my class anymore… I’m just an average Joe sitting at the back of the class getting grades that aren’t worth comparing to my marks from when I used to be someone.
It just seems to me that the path I’ve taken isn’t going to take me towards my dream life. I’m not saying it’s because I’m in engineering, but I believe it’s because I’m just gearing up to go in to a competitive world and strive to be the best. All I really want is to be content and have a leisurely life where I don’t have to worry about work all the time. I see all these businesspeople on the streets and in our classes who talk about who they are and what work they do. I just wonder whether they are really happy. Are they getting up daily to do what they love? Is there ever something that they would love to do but just don’t have the time/resources or whatever?
Much like with my feeling of lust from before, I have this overwhelming desire to travel the world not to see different civilizations but to see various landscapes. I want to personally witness the scenery that I’ve only seen in pictures. Then what? What will I do once I’m there? Take a picture and call it a day? Is that how shallow my desires are?
I want to travel to space and finally be amongst the stars that I’ve often cast my eyes up towards. Then what? I’ll float around for a while, admire the view and then?
No matter what I think of, I know that in a very short period of time, I’ll turn my thoughts towards the very thing that I want to get away from - Civilization.
I’ve often said that I rather lead than conform. I rather do something different and risky than take the safe way that is laid out. Yet, all I’m doing is taking the safe path. I’m walking towards a secure future where I just need to work hard to do well. Then where is the excitement? Where is the freedom? I don’t care when, but I would love to be able to get up and go wherever I want, whenever I want. If I want to go to Australia or New Zealand for a week’s vacation, then I want to be able to leave without wondering about my job or about what’s going on in the place I just left. Whatever… I’m talking about desires again - The very thing that has to be suppressed within me for as long as I’m in university. As far as great university lives go, I’ve written them off.
A friend of mine told me that I’d be a much better person if I’d stop being a martyr. She’s definitely right but it’s so easy to wallow in self-pity when you believe that nothing’s right in your world. It’s not something that I intend to let continue, but for now, I’m just pissed with the life I’m living and I want a change. Yet, any change could possibly let my grades slip again. So, I’m just sticking to this rut. For as long as it keeps me focused. Argh!
