Men Are From Mars... Women Are From Venus
A high school friend who I hadn’t talked to in ages described a problem and this was my response. I’m well aware that it is vastly flawed and quite incomplete but at the moment, it was all I could come up with. I’ll welcome corrections and completions.
Basically, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"... There's a match between guys and girls and even though it might seem that the guy is really nice, he's not the right match to your personality (I'm talking about friendships here as well). Sometimes, there might seem to be a fit but there are rough edges. Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle.
My biggest theory is based on the culture here. We're not raised to be expressive of our emotions especially at our ages. That's a big hindrance especially for guys because they are quick to fall in and out of crushes on girls. They don't know how to express themselves to the girl and in most cases, they don't even understand whether they are going about the right way when approaching the girl. Half the time, guys don't manage to become good friends with girls until they hit the late teens. It takes that long for the developments that start from 13 onwards to finally burst forth.
That's where most of the problems start. The guy doesn't know exactly what the girl wants so he's trying really hard and keeps falling flat on his face. So much so, that he begins to think that the best thing for the girl would be if the guy just backed out of the girl's life. Thing is, the guy always feels like he's the one expected to keep the girl interested in being friends with him.
It brings up a few issues. First of all, since it takes forever for the guy to finally get close to the girls, he often misplaces the closeness as liking the girl. He begins to like the girl because he's found a girl that likes him for who he is and pays attention to him. He might even realise that there's not really any romantic connection but that's why humans are irrational.
Two things about guys here... First of all, when a guy thinks that there is a girl who is great friends with him AND he begins to like her, some guys will test the friendship to see if there's any chance of the girl liking him back. In fact, most guys will begin to go out of their way to do things for that girl hoping to improve their chances. As it happens, it turns the girl off (correct me if I'm wrong here) because she begins to think that he's becoming a clingy friend and is cutting into her space. It's just the guy thinking that by being there for her all the time, she'll begin to like him.
The other issue is that seeing how most guys don't understand girls, they can't expect to understand what the girl is going through or thinking. They'll keep tagging along ignorant of small signs that the girl is feeling pressurised.
Whereas most guys can be really nice and friendly, great to trust and dependable, when they begin pushing for the next level, they go about it the wrong way, almost to the point of harassment. They'll plan things and expect results while completely oblivious of what the girl will think.
There are a few problems with girls too. They aren't perfect, you know? Girls tend to mix their signals or hide them, leaving the guy in the dark struggling to find the right path. Basically, it's a shot in the dark that they'll hit the right one. Furthermore, there's a very low chance of recovery from a miss. If the guy messes up, the girl will hold that against him. It's unreasonable of her since she didn't provide a clear sense of direction and still expected results. On the other hand, I guess I could argue that the girl doesn't know what's going through the guy's mind. It's coming down to communication here.
Point being, guys don't know what they are supposed to do. They put way too much thought into trying to get the girl which makes them overlook the simple fact that being themselves was all they needed to be. They try to push the relationship to the next level even in cases where "it's not meant to be".
When they are finally pushed away, they aren't sure how far they are supposed to stand, so they just back away completely and wait for the girl to beckon them closer until she's comfortable with how he stands with respect to her. Every so often, it happens that the guy is still sore from the rejection, so he tries to establish dominance by being abrasive and sarcastic. It's an attempt to make the girl feel small and guilty. That being said, the girl is then expected to make an attempt to patch up the differences.
Amidst the battles, there is the realisation by both parties that the person they thought they knew isn't at all like that. Fact is, they didn't know the person properly until they got close and in most cases, the battle for dominance led to the two overstepping on each other’s boundaries.
It started off with a casual friendship leading to a deeper one. Then the shallowness of our society steps in when the guy feels that he's a stone's throw away from being in a relationship with the girl. He tries the girl and expects positive responses and gets bitter when he's pushed away. Then the battles start and both parties are left clueless as to why exactly they are fighting. It's the lack of communication. We just don't have interplanetary communication skills yet.
Basically, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"... There's a match between guys and girls and even though it might seem that the guy is really nice, he's not the right match to your personality (I'm talking about friendships here as well). Sometimes, there might seem to be a fit but there are rough edges. Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle.
My biggest theory is based on the culture here. We're not raised to be expressive of our emotions especially at our ages. That's a big hindrance especially for guys because they are quick to fall in and out of crushes on girls. They don't know how to express themselves to the girl and in most cases, they don't even understand whether they are going about the right way when approaching the girl. Half the time, guys don't manage to become good friends with girls until they hit the late teens. It takes that long for the developments that start from 13 onwards to finally burst forth.
That's where most of the problems start. The guy doesn't know exactly what the girl wants so he's trying really hard and keeps falling flat on his face. So much so, that he begins to think that the best thing for the girl would be if the guy just backed out of the girl's life. Thing is, the guy always feels like he's the one expected to keep the girl interested in being friends with him.
It brings up a few issues. First of all, since it takes forever for the guy to finally get close to the girls, he often misplaces the closeness as liking the girl. He begins to like the girl because he's found a girl that likes him for who he is and pays attention to him. He might even realise that there's not really any romantic connection but that's why humans are irrational.
Two things about guys here... First of all, when a guy thinks that there is a girl who is great friends with him AND he begins to like her, some guys will test the friendship to see if there's any chance of the girl liking him back. In fact, most guys will begin to go out of their way to do things for that girl hoping to improve their chances. As it happens, it turns the girl off (correct me if I'm wrong here) because she begins to think that he's becoming a clingy friend and is cutting into her space. It's just the guy thinking that by being there for her all the time, she'll begin to like him.
The other issue is that seeing how most guys don't understand girls, they can't expect to understand what the girl is going through or thinking. They'll keep tagging along ignorant of small signs that the girl is feeling pressurised.
Whereas most guys can be really nice and friendly, great to trust and dependable, when they begin pushing for the next level, they go about it the wrong way, almost to the point of harassment. They'll plan things and expect results while completely oblivious of what the girl will think.
There are a few problems with girls too. They aren't perfect, you know? Girls tend to mix their signals or hide them, leaving the guy in the dark struggling to find the right path. Basically, it's a shot in the dark that they'll hit the right one. Furthermore, there's a very low chance of recovery from a miss. If the guy messes up, the girl will hold that against him. It's unreasonable of her since she didn't provide a clear sense of direction and still expected results. On the other hand, I guess I could argue that the girl doesn't know what's going through the guy's mind. It's coming down to communication here.
Point being, guys don't know what they are supposed to do. They put way too much thought into trying to get the girl which makes them overlook the simple fact that being themselves was all they needed to be. They try to push the relationship to the next level even in cases where "it's not meant to be".
When they are finally pushed away, they aren't sure how far they are supposed to stand, so they just back away completely and wait for the girl to beckon them closer until she's comfortable with how he stands with respect to her. Every so often, it happens that the guy is still sore from the rejection, so he tries to establish dominance by being abrasive and sarcastic. It's an attempt to make the girl feel small and guilty. That being said, the girl is then expected to make an attempt to patch up the differences.
Amidst the battles, there is the realisation by both parties that the person they thought they knew isn't at all like that. Fact is, they didn't know the person properly until they got close and in most cases, the battle for dominance led to the two overstepping on each other’s boundaries.
It started off with a casual friendship leading to a deeper one. Then the shallowness of our society steps in when the guy feels that he's a stone's throw away from being in a relationship with the girl. He tries the girl and expects positive responses and gets bitter when he's pushed away. Then the battles start and both parties are left clueless as to why exactly they are fighting. It's the lack of communication. We just don't have interplanetary communication skills yet.
