Enlivened

I’ve finally been able to talk to “Puff” after a long time. It’s amazing being able to do that again after such a long hiatus. She definitely brings out a softer side in me which is what I think everyone else is looking for as well. So no matter what other people might say about my friendship with her, I think no one can deny that she’s definitely a good influence.

Something that went through my head as I talked to her reminded me of the movie “I Robot”. At the time of the movie, I didn’t think much of it though it was a novel concept but after talking to “Puff”, it struck me again. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of finding the answer; it’s asking the right question. Asking the right question can open up the door to the best answers (The examiners at U of T would do well to learn this lesson!)

I’m not sure what it is that people try to attain when they ‘search for the answers’. I’m not sure what it is that “Banana Man” is looking for but he talks about his search so often in his blog, that I honestly believe that there is something to attain and that hopefully he’ll reach it. Whether or not the result will be worth the effort is not relevant… it’s the journey itself that amounts to a result.

I think that before I should even attempt to comprehend any hints or clues to the ‘answer’, I need to understand the question and that will guide me to learning what it really is that I want answered. So, I’m no longer looking for the answer. I’m looking for the question. “That… is the right question.”

Yet, to act on such ideas is not something too appealing to me since it is too philosophic and I rather take life as it comes instead of understanding it. It all goes hand-in-hand with my hatred of routine.

For as long as I do not understand life, I remain under the impression that every day brings something new (if I remove the rigours of university life, that is). Isn’t that what living is all about? Taking things as they come.

“Powerpuff” mentioned that it’s funny how we associate songs with certain periods of our lives. I don’t completely agree with that but there are songs for every occasion so I would quantify her remark by saying that we associate songs with certain events/moods in our lives. There is a difference.

For me, one song that stands out above all others is “Our Lady Peace – Not Enough”. Right now, I’m listening to “Audioslave – I Am The Highway” and I think it’s also pretty suitable but it doesn’t move me as much as the first song.

When they say
you're not that strong
Well you're not that weak
It’s not your fault
When you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you're well
There’s nothing left to prove
Nothing I won't do
Nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to fear
I am always here

It’s a big confidence booster for me for I’ve felt kind of down for the past month and it’s felt like an uphill struggle all this time. The song picks up at the right places and it’s sombre at the right places. Definitely ranks high up on my favourite songs. Then, there are the other two ever present songs “Black Lab – Gates of the Country” and “Pennywise – Instrumental”. All these songs either have the idea of a sole person fighting the odds or simply the music inspires hope.

Then again, when a person really tries, many things can ‘suit the situation’.

I’m finally free from university life and an unexpected surprise would be if I can really make it to Karachi for a wedding.

No matter how unemotional the person, there is always a stimulant that will stir the feelings of the person. The stimulant will cause such turmoil that certain emotions will rise and take precedence over all others. The effects will be a shiver running through the person’s body causing more sensation in that one moment than in recent memory. The capture of that single moment will lead to greater things and eventually the person will break his bindings to become human.

If you feel like you can associate with what I just said and a tingle really did run through your body, then it looks like my writing is more impressionable than I thought!

Relevant Revelations

Culture plays such a big role in our lives. It defines who we are and who we turn out to be. Culture is a big limitation but it also goes a long way in differentiating us from other cultures. Since I’m from Pakistan, my mannerisms and my thinking are so different from the people of other cultures here. So my culture makes me different from the others, in that sense. However, with other Desis, I’m no different. That’s where personal experience makes me different.

My culture frowns upon relationships and encourages marriage. So, I can’t find the right person for myself since I can’t find be in a relationship to find out which girl I’m compatible with. However, if I’m never going to be in a relationship, I’ll have to rely on my parents to marry me off.

Yet, here is where my mind wanders. Do I need to get married? Why do I need to conform to everyone’s expectations? It’s taken for granted that we’re to marry and even though I’m happy for all those who do, I sometimes wonder whether it’s something that I’m suited for.

My desire to stand aside from the crowd could be a major factor why I want to shun routine and now, marriage. I don’t want to get married because people expect me to. I don’t want to get married because there’s no one who holds a special place in my heart. So, I’ll be asking my parents not to marry me off since I’m not a willing candidate for marriage. That’s not going to change unless I find someone. Someone who I’ll want to be with so much that she’ll change my stubborn mind. That’s asking for a lot. Yet, I can’t find that person since relationships are a no-no.

Ego is a curious thing. I’m a very arrogant person and yet when it matters, I never find anything good to say about myself. I have doubts. I have so many sides to my character that they all pick away at each other until all that is left of me is one big fault. To me, it’s never about finding someone suitable for me. It’s more about finding someone I’m suitable for.

So… I can expect words from others saying that that’s not true and that I’m a fine human being. Words that are meant to be comforting. Yet I don’t like relying on others when I can deal with my problems on my own.

Perhaps that’s why my life is a mess. I didn’t rely on others to help me solve my problems and now all my problems have accumulated ruining my life. Now that I think about it, I think I enjoy having so many problems since they give me something to think about and discover more aspects of life.

I need to clarify something… Half of the people who read this think that I’ve gone psycho and need help. I don’t really. My life is not really as screwed up as it appears to be in this blog. I think that it’s useful being able to explore all these different thoughts inside me. So, for those who care, no need to worry about me.

Even though I should spend my life focusing more on the physical world, I think that balancing the two worlds out in my mind completes life. So, I spend all of my days and most of my nights engulfed in studying and preparing for the future while I spend some nights thinking about so many different things.

I am an eternal pessimist as “Puff” has pointed out. I don’t deny that at all. With this attitude, I approach everything in a negative way. However, I know that my final thoughts on any matter are more realistic with little bias in either direction.

Yeah, I still find annoyances and complaints about everything. Yet, just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. That I have a mind willing to entertain all different thoughts and enrich itself is pretty cool.

I can think about life in all its glory but also focus on the nitty-gritty stuff and find a whole new world of ideals there.

Unlike some people, it’s not about finding out who I am. It’s more about finding out what life’s all about. The meaning of life, perhaps? We all know I’m not that cliché.

So Pissed!

I’m so tired of people complaining about everything. I do it a lot too, however I’ve limited myself to doing it here only.

There’s a girl on my floor who complains about everything on her MSN nickname. She’s psycho anyway.

It snows one day… ONE DAY!!! and people start whining about how the weather is horrible and that the sun should come back! SHUT UP!!!! Just enjoy the weather! Or look on the bright side! At least the snow and the cold help you appreciate the sun even more. It rains the next day… what do people do? They start complaining about the weather!

What really pisses me off is when people complain about something in private but will never confront their problem. Person A (who I shall refer to as dumbass) is having a conversation with Person B. Dumbass doesn’t like talking to Person B yet he won’t say anything so he’ll smile and bear with Person B.

Oh, hinting that something is wrong does not count!! If you have something to say, say it clearly. Why must you play stupid guessing games? “Something may be wrong. I’m not going to say exactly what, but I’m sure you can figure it out”. GET OUT OF MY FACE! You think I have time to think about what the hell you have a problem with? Sure, if you ask for my help, I’ll help you out if I can but I’m not going to put in so much effort that not only do I first figure out what’s wrong but then I go on to help you with it.

Let’s expand the topic to a group. If you don’t find the conversations interesting, then why sit and listen? Just get up and leave! Don’t waste your time and then later complain!

There were times that I felt that I was only sitting around because it was important for one to socialise and because I felt that I could probably enjoy myself. Yet, is that really the right reason for me to sit there? For the sake of an ‘experiment’?

So, I’ve become a loner this year. I have gone out a total of three times (to my recollection). I have not spent more than 2 hours sitting around with others and doing absolutely nothing but messing around.

If I have a problem with someone, I don’t like to talk it over. I rather fight. I have that much testosterone running through my body. I don’t care who wins but I’ll be a lot happier knowing that I did something about it at least, unlike EVERY SINGLE LOSER IN THE WORLD WHO IS BEING A WUSS! Talking it over is probably a better alternative but I don’t care. A fight has finality about it. It’ll hang over the relationship eternally and it’ll just help the two of us forget about each other.

In this case, this person’s got a problem but he won’t come out with it. What’s the matter? Afraid? You rather wait till it all boils over and then everything bursts suddenly? That’s fine with me because you’re the one it’s eating up. Except in my current mood, I couldn’t give a dime about you and your problems except when you get under my skin. Then, I’m going to be another one of your problems because I’m always ready to go at it. So, GET A LITTLE SPUNK AND DO SOMETHING. I’m begging you! You’ve got two choices.

1) You can continue to be a wuss and not say anything
2) You can say something and that will result in one of two things happening
a. I won’t like it and am going to burn you
b. I’ll put aside my rage and listen to you

Now I’m going to get messages from my parents about how I shouldn’t be talking like this and that rage isn’t a good thing. Probably a few lines in there about how things like this affect my grades and that I should move out of residence come this new semester.

I really don’t care anymore. I’m sick and tired of studying all the time and getting average grades. I’m tired of working hard and then being told repeatedly that it’s not good enough and that I should find out why. I’m tired of having the same routine day in and day out because there’s no room for me to enjoy myself. I’m tired of trying to find humour in the smallest of things because the small chuckles aren’t worth the effort.

I’ve done what I can to improve my present and future life. It’s all crashed down again so I’m not going to bother starting again. Once this semester ends, I’m going to take a long break and forget everything. After that, I’m going to live the way I want to.

Yet, when the time comes, I’m going to go back to doing the exact same thing as before. I’m going to spend all day studying, I’m not going to go out and when my grades come out, once again, they’ll show that my efforts are worthless.