This blog ends now.

Rambling

Let me start off by a short recap of what I’ve done since… Wednesday. Hmm. Well, I stayed awake after I wrote that chapter, much like I’m doing now. I decided to stay awake for breakfast. Funny thing… I missed breakfast!

I was planning on going down with the others so I was going to wait till quarter to eleven for them. None of them were up till then so I went down… Turned out that breakfast time had ended at half past the hour. So I made do with what I had. I had been up for just a short time when “Artsie” called and asked whether I wanted to have breakfast… Sure, let’s go. While having breakfast, I think “Uber-bachi” was there too. Just greeted her and sat nearby. I think we were joined by “Banana Man” and “Hyper Dude’s” roommate, “Flubber”. Mind you, I had been up for around twenty-one hours then and was slightly listless. I think the rest of the day passed quickly. I went with “Artsie” and “Hyper Dude” to a shopping mall because “Hyper Dude” wanted to get a pair of jeans. I realised later that I liked how I was dressed. It was a bit off in style but I thought it was nice. Later at supper, “Uber-bachi” checked me out when I walked by. Then again, it was the first time she saw me in pants so I didn’t let it get to my head. For all the rats that have their minds in the sewers – by “in pants” I mean not in shorts. It does not mean that I always streaked around “Uber-bachi”.

Short side note: Being up for around thirty-five hours makes any seating place look comfortable. I was so relaxed no matter where I went and sat. After I went up, I listened to some music and thought about sleeping. My body was awake but sluggish. My mind was awake but there was nothing that my mind could do without my body. So I just thought and decided to try sleeping. Turned on some songs and lay down. Fell asleep after fifteen minutes. Woke up when my roommate came back. Solitary time was over. I enjoyed myself living alone. Doing whatever I wanted.

I woke up the next day quite late. Got a phone call from “Artsie” after a while that he was on his way back from some UN delegation work. He said he would drop by my room. I’ve got to say… Nice. He looked pretty good in the suit. Oh grow up! Stop giggling. I’m secure enough to compliment a guy if he looks good. However, for the heck of it – I like what “Hyper Dude’s” done to his hair. HAH! I say done to and not done with.

I’ve been meeting “Uber-bachi” quite often recently. She’s almost always there in the dining room when I have a meal. Breakfast or lunch. It’s quite interesting seeing how I’m still the only one who knows her. I doubt “Hyper Dude” will say much to her unless a few certain situations. But I’m not going to pick on him. So, to move on.

“Hyper Dude” sucks! Nah, I’m just messing. “May the force be with you, my idiotic bhai!”

I decided not to buy skates yet. My parents have given me the green light, but I want to try ice-skating once at least before I go ahead and buy skates.

On a more serious note (I need something to fill up space… I’m still on my first page): I realised that no matter how much I say I’m not curious, I’m very curious about something. Thanks go out to my mum for helping me realising this. Well, besides analysing other people, I’m pretty interested in knowing about life. I don’t care what who had for breakfast or what someone is writing secretively. I do want to know what’s in store for me in the future. I want to know the things that man can not answer. For example, which came first? The chicken or the egg? Well, the answer to that is… the egg. I’ll explain that if I get enough responses asking for one. Haha, now that’s got you (and me) wondering how many people actually read this stuff. Well, not enough would be my answer. I’ll be more specific if I get enough responses asking for one. Haha, now that’s got you…

I noticed that in my list of three funny buddies, I listed only girls. Even the fourth potential is a girl. Spending too much time with girls is I? Poo!

I still need to go take a shower. Nothing like a blistering cold shower that makes others cringe just at the mention of it. I think I can actually see ice vapours while I shower. Haha, to pick on “Hyper Dude” for a bit, he’s a bit afraid of cold showers.

My mum wants me to become a writer. She told me that a long time ago and she’s saying it again. She says that my chapters have done much to show my prowess in English. Either that or they show my skills at using the thesaurus. Well, I won’t say journalism isn’t appealing but I’m stuck in Engineering. A few side excursions where my mind is handed a pen won’t hurt though. That’s where my chapters come in. It’s me working on a painstakingly long biography so that when I’m famous, people will know exactly what I did.

People worry about me after reading my chapters. They say I think too much, I whine too much, I’m worrying about nothing. I say those people worry too much. I’m happy doing what I do. I’m “worrying” about topics that have not been answered. Instead of worrying about minor things, I’ve turned my attention to the bigger pictures. If I’m to be classified as a “Thinker”, I’ll be honoured and I’ll picture my naked self carved into stone sitting on a stump and ‘pondering’.

So to all those worriers, stop! At least I’m spending my free time usefully. Sure, I waste a lot of time doing other stuff, but whenever I take a break from studying and from wasting time, I think. I want to keep my mind active and if no books are around, a good personal debate is fun. No, it’s not the same as talking to myself. Or is it?

“Shh, you mustn’t talk like that. People will think you’re crazy.”
“Are you sure? Ok, let’s hush about this.”

The world’s problems were not solved by someone thinking about the normal problems that have been solved. Those tough problems were solved who would spend time musing over those problems. I do not see myself answering any of the topics I think about, but I do see myself spending many an hour understanding the topic.

Jeez, H is not a vowel so why does the stupid spell checker tell me to write “an hour” instead of “a hour” A E I O U! No where do I see an H!!!! DAMN YOU WORD!

I’m calm!

I feel another day-long sleepless stretch approaching. I can almost anticipate the comfortable feeling that I’ll get when I’m tired beyond my senses and I sit down somewhere. Of course, my muscles do feel a bit tight and lying down would help me feel better. To feel good now or later? Or to experience both? But it’s either OR, not AND.

I’ll see how it goes. Stay tuned to find out what happens.

A Matter Of Trust

It’s been an interesting week. I’ve been having several long conversations with Puff about my past thoughts and she completely believes that I’ll be able to get and hold on to a girl. This doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s right but it’s nice to know someone has faith in me.

I’ve had a great “Reading Week” so far. Sure, I’ve been getting some work done but the past few days have been amazing. I spent Friday working on a stupid computer program about calculations on fractions. Thanks to “Banana Man” for a lot of help on that one. Funny part is that my program turned out to be way shorter than his. Woke up late on Saturday and let the day pass quickly. Got the gang to gather in my room and mess around for hours. A friend from York came over to spend the night. I talked to “Uber-bachi” at breakfast the next day. In the afternoon, my friend from York and “Hyper Dude” left for Mississauga. They wanted me to go with them but I kind of had plans. Studying was there on the agenda but so was a lot of messing around too. On Sunday, my roommate left so I had the whole room to myself. It’s such a good feeling. I took his computer chair too… It’s so comfortable. I also spent my time watching Counter-Strike recordings of a match of the ages between “Banana Man” and me versus the other four. The videos were hilarious and I enjoyed them thoroughly. On Monday, “Artsie” was gone all day to study at a library but on his return, we went for supper and then got ready to watch Johnny English. Movie time kept getting delayed but we eventually went down to watch it at 9 PM. The movie is fairly dumb but entertaining nonetheless. Sound was horrible in the beginning but all was well later on. That was not the end of the day and I went to sleep around 4 PM. Somewhere between “Artsie’s” return and the movie-watching, he and I had a long amusing talk. Thanks for the help buddy. I appreciate it.

“Artsie” spent his day at the library again. I talked to “Midas” for a bit too. She’s helping me in a rather sensitive area. I still don’t know what her exact take on my situation is but I’m going to trust her on this one and let her take the reins. Of course, I’m not going to change just because she asked me to. I want to have a good look at what she’s offering and what other people have to offer. At the end of it all, I’ll consider the best option and act accordingly. “Hyper Dude” came back. He tried something new with his hair and I did something different with mine. Neither of us was pleased with the results. I’m tempted to try doing what he did. I don’t know how good the results would be but I don’t want to pass up something because it’s daunting. Oh! I didn’t make fun of “Hyper Dude” in my last chapter and I’m not going to say anything right now either except for “Nice robes!” I think the first words out of my mouth when I saw him were something alone the lines of “What the hell are you wearing?!?” I finally managed to introduce him to “Uber-bachi” He was a bit worried as to how he may have come off but I’m sure his words weren’t noticed as much as his robes.

The university network is an amazing place to get the stuff that I need. Of course, the chat window is a complete waste of space. However, an extraordinary number of people take to chatting there. Recently, I’ve taken great pleasure to mocking these people and making a lot of fun of them. It’s like a bully surrounded by nerds. I’ve met a few interesting people on there too. Alex is certainly interesting. Alex reminds me of “Sis”. Same way of sulking when insulted or mocked. Together, the two of us have ganged up on several people who were just begging to be made fun of. I’ve started off a lot more smoothly with Alex than I did with “Sis”. I guess I learnt my lessons. Thanks “Sis”.

Half of my reading week has already passed. I’ve got so much more to do. I was hoping for so much more. However, this week’s already given me all that I wanted.

I want to go skating but I don’t have skates. I could rent skates but I don’t know about that. I think that buying them would be a good investment seeing how I would be here for four years. It’s up to my parents to decide whether I can have them or not. It’s funny how I’m so independent here but even my independency relies on my dependency on my parents and them financing me.

There have been only three people who can make me laugh uncontrollably ever since I entered my dull and serious state. Alex has quickly risen amongst the ranks. Another is “Punchoo”. I haven’t managed to talk to her in a long time but I know that once we meet up in Dubai, our conversations will be just as hilarious as before. “Puff” has her funny moments but in her own words, she makes others pessimistic. I’m just kidding with ya, “Puff”. You’re also a funny person. The third position goes to “Sabbi”. Sabbi is certainly a refreshing change. Being a cousin of my age, it’s so easy to talk to her and joke around. She says that I’m really good at helping her with her problems. Well, I don’t know about that but I know that she’s better than I am. Only she has problems more often and sometimes, it takes the viewpoint of an outsider to see the solution. However, Sabbi has got a sense of humour which can keep me in stitches. I just need to work on her sarcasm and then she and I would have classic insult battles. Of course, I would not like to make her sarcastic as it appears that sarcasm is not appreciated much by others. If I’m to be damned to bachelorhood because of my sarcasm, I don’t want her to be condemned to spinsterhood for being sarcastic.

My uncles and aunts have often told me that they appreciate how I help their kids and give them advice. They say that the cousins look up to me and value my advice. Well, I’m honoured that the parents think that I’ve helped their child. However, I do not think that I ever gave solutions. I would give advice and let the kid decide what to do. Also, I’m not sure whether I would like my cousins looking up to me. I’m not the best role model and I would not like my faults to echo in their characters. What if the advice I give is wrong? I don’t like nosing around in other people’s business, but I always help if I’m asked. However, to have a multitude of kids relying on me to help solve the problems that they can’t go to their parents with is kind of awing. I realise that it’s a great responsibility and I’m not going to turn them away but I do wonder whether the kids themselves think that I’ve helped them and given them good advice. The parents might think so but they probably don’t have a proper grasp of their kid’s situation.

Every parent tells their kid to talk to them if the kid has any problems. That hardly ever happens. Too many problems are too sensitive to be talked about with parents. I don’t think kids ever bothered finding out whether their parents will understand but just worried about the scolding/beating that they could get. Therefore, they turn to close friends for help. I’m honoured at being trusted by so many people with their intimate problems and I really think that I should trust them as much as they do me. Of course, that’s not going to happen! They are a bunch of loud-mouthed, talkative and gossipy brats who would spill a secret faster than a leaky pot of water. (Hi guys!) Bad comparison but whatever. Anyhow, I don’t have any secrets. Well, none that I can reveal to a single soul in the world. *Evil Smirk*

I guess that’s pretty much it. A couple of relatively short chapters for those who have grown weary of sifting through my rambles.

Cessation

I’m getting soft. It’s been ages since I’ve been touched by anything. Besides a few straggling memories, I can’t remember when I was moved by anything.

I wonder if I’ll know when my death is coming. For a few precious minutes before I pass away, I wonder what my thoughts will concern. It may not be so much a question of what but of whom. I would like to have a heads up since I like to think that during those dear minutes, I might be able to make peace with everything.

I do not know how I’ll spend my last few minutes. Will I break down and be uncontrollably emotional? I don’t show sorrow. Instead I show anger. However, will that change when the time comes? Will I bravely face my death and know that I’ve lived a good life? Or will I depart this life with the glorious and noble death that so many with could characterise them? To die saving the life of another soul; to sacrifice myself so that another may live. I doubt that my demise will grant me something so heroic.

Why is it that I wish for a heroic death? Is it so that others believe that I had a good soul and will pardon me for my sins in light of my last action? I don’t believe that whole-heartedly. It may play a small factor but ultimately two reasons will help me decide. The selfless side of my character will urge me to go ahead allowing that person to benefit from my deed. The selfish side of me will also encourage me to forfeit my life so that I know that at last my life had purpose and meaning. I was born to save another. Also, perhaps the ultimate surrender is my closing on the argument that I’ve made to so many. In a world like ours, altruistic acts still exist. People still carry out goodwill tasks. I’m not talking about small-scale attempts but major ones. Even the tiny efforts of benevolence keep the fight going. However, so many cynics will only heed my words when they are presented with a situation that makes them open their eyes to another side of a human character – Kindness.

Sometimes a wish doesn’t come true because the person didn’t seize the opportunity to help themselves fulfil that wish. I may wish for a heroic death but I do not know whether I’ll be able to go ahead and take this prospect. Suppose I see a person about to get run over. I know that I can run over and push them out of the way. Will I be wilful enough to go through with the rescue? Will I find that my body has turned to stone and I can not move no matter how much I wish to? Will I just turn my back on that person’s need for aid and comfort myself by thinking that I was not expected to save that person? Or will this ruthless side of me want to see the accident? Anything’s possible. Like I’ve said so often – When presented with a solution, I don’t know how often my resolve will hold up.

I’d like to go back to my previous question. Will I use my last few minutes thinking about some topic or about some person? What topic? Which person? Or will I squander my time thinking that I’m too young to die or do not deserve to die? I do not know whether I will whine since whining on my death-bed won’t help.

If I think about some topic, will I experience the proverbial “life flashing before my eyes”? Will I go through the events in my life that I felt were worth remembering? Or will I whine about all the things that I wanted to do?

If I think about people, who would they be? The obvious answer would be family. Yet, that’s not the first answer to run through my mind. I’ve mentioned before that missing someone is pointless. It may make that someone feel loved and wanted but it does nothing for the person whose heart is aching. In this case, I think that though I will think briefly of my family, it would only be in a short prayer where I wish for their protection, comfort and happiness. There is nothing more special than having a family but thinking of the people who helped me become who I am would mean that in a way, I’m looking over my life. I would prefer to think of people who’ve guided me.

When I think about being in a relationship, I often wonder whether my potential girlfriend would be better without me. Wouldn’t she be happier with someone besides a cold fish? If she does fall in love with me and after a while, my emotionless side drives her off then she will be hurt because of me. I don’t want to hurt any girl simply because I couldn’t show an emotion. I don’t know how devastated I would be, knowing that I caused another to suffer. It’s thoughts like these that strengthen my resolve to remain single until I’m ready. I know that I’m not expected to marry the first person I date but I would like to begin dating once I have more to offer to a girl. More than what I can give right now. A personality with warmth is beyond my limit. I fold.

I’ve begun considering the demise of this blog. I’ve not needed an outlet for my emotions and thoughts thus far so why should I begin now? Am I hoping that by starting off on the internet, I will eventually be able to open up to friends and family? Or, do I like the confusion I caused initially when people realised that I wasn’t the person they thought I was? I guess it was just my childish side wishing to be mysterious. Perhaps I liked receiving comments from others. It could possibly be an attempt by me to start caring about what others think. Sure, writing my thoughts down does help but do I really need to publish them? I can just type everything out and store them on my computer.

Instead of shutting down the blog, I could instead start relating my daily events. Though they will be uninteresting to others, they can provide me with the means to look back from the future and remember what I used to do.

I’ve received a few complaints that my chapters are too long. It’s not like I’m forcing anyone to read them. If they actually do struggle through each edition, then I’m slightly pleased to know that I do have their interest. However, knowing that it’s an exertion on their behalf to just get started dampens my spirits since I know that they aren’t intrigued enough to read my newest chapter straightaway instead of worrying about the length.

I don’t have much to say since I’ve rattled on for two days straight. Now, I can take a week off to consider authoring a new chapter and deciding what it should be about.

Loose Ends

My thoughts are here to express my opinions against those of others. In each chapter, I’ve tried to consider both sides of the argument even if it may not seem so. In addition, I’ve tried to back up my beliefs with quotes or judgments of notable people. I guess it’s to comfort me by letting me know that I’m not alone in my thoughts. Or it’s a feeble attempt to influence those who do not share my convictions. In my last chapter, I mentioned how beautiful girls who have repulsive attitudes are still endured simply because they are good-looking. By sheer coincidence, a quote supporting my theory fell in my lap. “What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness” – Leo Tolstoy. My literal translation of this said that a beautiful girl is automatically assumed to have an appealing personality. This isn’t exactly what I tried to say but it is close.

“Banana Man” mentioned in his blog that he sometimes enjoys having negative thoughts. I feel that I share this trait with him. Whenever I tried to find a reason for my cruelty to friends, I would wonder whether it was because I enjoyed the pain I caused. I’ve got no answer for that as of yet.

It’s been interesting reading the blogs of my friends and comparing them. We all undergo similar scenarios but how we interpret them really shows our individuality. “Everybody is unique… just like everyone else.”

“Artsie” was quite taken with a certain question; enough so that he mentioned it in his blog. “What is the life of one man worth?” My answer to that was “Not the life of another.” A scenario came to my mind. What if that one man is the key to preventing the deaths of several others? Then what is his life worth? Perhaps his life is worth preserving but I don’t think that others should die protecting him. However, this is my current opinion and I don’t know whether I’ll hold the same belief if I’m presented with the situation in real time. Then again, I would rather not have to choose who dies and who lives.

I’ve been carefully listening to what my readers say about my chapters. As expected, no one really likes them since I normally complain about something or I tease someone. I’ll start off with my parents. My father was worried that my thoughts indicate depression, withdrawal and a possible dispute between me and “Hyper Dude”. He also wondered whether I had a girlfriend, since I talked quite a bit about romance in my last chapter. Lastly, he wanted to know who “Sis” was.

It’s funny. When “Sis” first evolved, I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. However, the news spread around and I’m sure that almost everyone has heard about Sis at one point or the other. No one besides me and “Sis” knows who she is. Quite a few people find this whole concept ridiculous and I’m not going to argue with them. However, they were not in my situation so they shouldn’t really question my motives either. “Hyper Dude” and “Pikloo” have taken it upon themselves to embellish this relationship. With a few lewd insertions, the concept of “Sis” has been perverted. However, I’m greatly amused by the recitals of their opinions so I don’t really bother stopping them.

I can think of one other person who has usefully commented on my thoughts. I shall call her “Fluffy” or “Fluff”. I don’t know which one she prefers. She notes that I tend to pick on “Hyper Dude” way too much. I don’t deny that. It’s fun! She herself was annoyed greatly by my thoughts and at one point wanted to strangle me. She’s trying to help me so I won’t make fun of her. Not that I need help though. I’m happy with who I am even though I know I have flaws that I could attempt to correct. Even though I don’t place much value in the comments of others, I do listen to them. If they make sense to me and put up a good argument, I attempt to follow their advice.

Another friend of mine who’s almost synonymous with “Artsie” is “Midas”. I’ve known her for just as long as I’ve known “Artsie”. She too has succumbed to blogging. So, five out of our group of seven have blogs. I do not know about “The Cheshire Cat” or “The Lone Ranger”. If I remember correctly, “The Cheshire Cat” mentioned that he had a blog but failed to remember its address or password. In case anyone is wondering, “The Lone Ranger” is “Artsie #2”. I call him “The Lone Ranger” because he can go for ages without spotting a single player in Counter-Strike.

“Banana Man” tends to write about his thoughts and his complaints. “Hyper Dude” writes about the events that took place in his day and what he plans for the following day. Every so often, he talks about his thoughts. Of course, he hasn’t updated his blog for almost a month now. “Artsie” said that he would not talk about feelings or show some other side of him. Instead, he too talks about the events that take place in his day. He recently mentioned that he had a lot to write in his blog but didn’t have the time to jot everything down. “Midas” has apparently failed to grasp either concept of a blog. She doesn’t want everyone to know what she thinks or so she claims (to think). Of course, she might just settle for writing about her days. I don’t really see that as happening. Of course, I could be wrong. I may be fairly accurate at predicting the actions of guys but I don’t have the same faith in myself when it comes to predicting the actions of girls. Finally, I come to myself. You all know what I write about.

I haven’t talked about “Midas”. That’s surprising since I consider her a close friend and she’s a lot of fun to have around. Of course, I’ve been out of touch with her for over 5 years or so and I can’t expect all our conversations to be really comfortable. I got over that hurdle with “Artsie” fairly quickly because we spent so much time together in this residence. When I first met “Artsie”, all we did was shake hands and say that we’ll meet again. After that, we went our own ways. Later on, we started meeting each other more often until we began meeting everyday. Now I find my day is incomplete when I don’t meet any one of the six. Everyday, I go to bed feeling a bit disappointed that I didn’t meet one of the six. He/she knows who he/she is.

Ok, I’m going to go a bit off-track here. Let me do a bit of reminiscing. I met “Midas” in my grade school. I remember that her best friend used to be a girl called “Sadaf Mir”. Correct me if I’m wrong. One of my foggy memories concerning “Midas” goes back to Sadaf’s birthday party. Or was it Mariam Attarwala’s? Anyhow, I remember teasing Sadaf for having piggy tails. This is all rambling. I think what really strengthened my friendship with “Midas” was performing a play with her. She played the role of King Midas and I played the blasphemous part of god. I’m sure you’ve guessed that the play was “The Golden Touch”. I think “Artsie” was my assistant. We didn’t spend much time rehearsing the play. We decided that we were going to wing it. We all knew the general gist of the story so we would improvise on the words. The play was a hit, I believe. Compared to the play put on by the other group, ours was amazing.

Anyhow, at the end of Grade 7, I left St. Michael’s and didn’t have any contact with “Artsie” or “Midas”. I knew my parents were considering changing my school but I didn’t really realise it until I was enrolled in The City School. I think that was the biggest and perhaps the only mistake that my parents made concerning my education. So all I had was “Artsie’s” phone number. Turned out that he had shifted to a new house leaving me with no way of contacting him. It was up to him to call me. Eventually he did… a month or two before I was leaving for the United Arab Emirates. I didn’t really stay in contact with either “Artsie” or “Midas” after I emigrated. I didn’t manage to call “Artsie” even when I visited Pakistan. However, “Artsie” eventually got my MSN e-mail and we finally had the means to talk to each other. Not that we talked often, but it was enough for us to let the other know the happenings in our lives. It was from him that I got “Midas’” e-mail. Over the next few years, I barely kept in touch with those two. However, they definitely kept talking to each other. “It’s a small world”. It just so happened that all three of us were coming to University of Toronto. The fact that these two were coming here played a big factor in helping me choose the University of Toronto.

“Midas” says that she doesn’t believe that I’ll be able to hold onto a girlfriend. My sarcasm and wit will drive any girl away. I don’t disagree with her. She bases her theory on observation of my sarcastic side. What amuses me is that I’ve always been mildly sardonic around her. I’m not too comfortable with making cutting remarks around girls. Not that it would stop me from making at least a few. So if she thinks that my mild side is enough to drive away a girl, I wonder what effects my sarcasm can have when I unleash it in all its glory.

Side note: Audioslave- Like A Stone is a really good song.

Here’s where I begin theorising and could be completely wrong. I’ve had dinner with “Midas” a few times and each time, I had the impression that she has an underlying sarcastic tongue and wit. However, I believe that I’ve only seen her mild side too. I would like to see her give a free rein to her scorn. Of course, the results may be far from appealing.

To get back to the point I was eventually going to make when I started listing which of my friends were bloggers. Both “Artsie” and “Midas” share something similar to me in their thoughts. They do not want people to know about their thoughts. I’ve been like that for several years and preferred keeping my thoughts a secret. However, I’ve been reproached frequently for my closeness. Apparently, the few people who have made an attempt to get to know me better do not appreciate the fact that I’m making it harder on them by shutting myself into a nutshell. So, am I saying that “Artsie” and “Midas” are on the wrong track? Absolutely not. I still think that ones’ thoughts should be kept to oneself. “Artsie” has the same ‘paranoid’ conception as me. If someone knows another’s thoughts, they can blackmail the ‘thinker’. Then why do I continue to blog?

Well, for starters, I don’t have anything else to say. I don’t think that others will find my day’s events interesting. Also, I’ve found that my thoughts have some poisonous content in them which hurts others. I’ve become drunk with power and I enjoy the pain that I can cause with a few words. Along with my thoughts, I can also take occasional jibs at anyone. My thoughts would be wasted if I didn’t write anything in it worth reading/skimming over. If I can keep my readers interested enough to come back week after week to read what I wrote, then I know that I’m not wasting my time. I guess you could interpret my long chapters this way. Perhaps I’m writing such long chapters in the hope that I’ll say at least one interesting thing.

Whatever my reasons could be, I know one thing for sure. My reason is definitely not as simple as me wanting an outlet for my thoughts. I’ve been content with keeping to myself for so many years. Why would I change that now?

I mentioned in my first chapter that I’ve always had someone to help me climb out of a rut and move along. Perhaps, this change came around so surprisingly because I found no one was around to help me out of my rut this time and that it was up to me to get out myself. These are all second-guesses. I believe I know what the real reason is but I choose not to write it. Instead, I’m opting to just offer several decoy excuses and let my readers decide for themselves.

As many of you may have noticed, I’ve not had anything to write about this time. Unlike the other chapters which were organised and smooth flowing, this chapter jumps from topic to topic. I wanted to mention some small point and after I did that, I found that there were several other small points that I wanted to address too. I’ve finally come up with a title for this chapter. Loose Ends.

Stereotypes

Simply put, I hate this world. Those are strong words coming for me for I do not like using the word hate. I find it too harsh. I prefer something less severe.

Before I start, let me say that I’m expressing both my own opinions and those of others. I would like to think that I’ve made the distinction between the two clear through my words.

The whole world has seemingly sunk into a stereotype. If anything doesn’t conform to the expected stereotype, then some bizarre reason is concocted to explain this weird phenomenon.

Let’s start off something simple. My supper conversation from yesterday got me started. “Hyper Dude” claims that some passing person is definitely Egyptian. Gee! Tell us O’ Guru! How did you arrive at this conclusion? The reply just struck me as being so incredulous! “He has curly hair!” he claimed confidently! After a deep breath where I let his reply sink in, I ask him “So all Egyptians have curly hair? You made that assumption from the few Egyptians that you know?” He adamantly claims that he has seen hundreds of Egyptians and they all had curly hair including the women. Alright, you moronic arse! That’s one of the most idiotic theories I’ve heard. You can’t base the fact on a few examples. He may be right about that curly haired kid but we don’t know. That didn’t matter. It was the fact that he claimed something based on - - stereotype. I spouted off two simple counter-examples right there and this is where the above mentioned “bizarre reason” is generated. They straightened their hair out. Ok! They might have straightened out their hair. That’s not rare amongst people. However, you can’t say they straightened it out. He’s willing to accept that reason but he’s reluctant to accept the fact that maybe some Egyptians have straight hair.

“Artsie” interrupts with a good point which contradicts “Hyper Dude”. I found this amusing since I noticed several similar traits in both “Artsie” and “Hyper Dude” and they often had the same opinions on things. I was glad to see that “Artsie” had some common sense in him at least. “Artsie” says that saying that all Egyptians have curly hair is like saying that all Pakistanis have brown eyes. “Hyper Dude” denies this and said that “Artsie” can’t say that. There are plenty of Pakistanis with coloured eyes. A thought just occurred to me which I should have mentioned at that conversation. “Well, they must be wearing contact lenses, then. That’s the only possible explanation.” That’s basically a taste of “Hyper Dude’s” own medicine. I could just as easily make up my own justification for why all Pakistanis MUST have brown eyes.

Let’s move on. I was watching some stand-up comedian. Overall, I found the show funny. I even laughed when he too made stereotypical assumptions. However, he was mocking people who went along with these stereotypes. Every stereotypical comment he made me realise that he too was trying to show that our world is too immersed in stereotype.

This is where it gets interesting. Stereotype in love and relationships. Why can’t simple relationships exist between guys and girls? Sure they can. They do and they flourish. However, here’s the general opinion that I’ve picked up. Guys are only friends with girls because they want to see if they can “get with her”. That’s pathetic. Ok, that sentence has loads of flaws and is easily refutable. Here’s a certain sentence from a conversation with a friend. “i used to be around girls all the time, i was a magnet”. This sentence was meant to say that at the time, my friend was fine with being chums with girls. He isn’t saying that he was appealing to girls or anything. Just that he was friends with several of them. Now here’s my question. Given his current personality, would he still be as appealing to girls? I’m not saying that his current persona is repulsive or anything, but I’m saying that if he behaves around girls in a way similar to his present character, would that girl find him “a magnet”? Let’s move on.

Suppose I’ve made friends with some new girl. Ceding to stereotype myself, I tend to garnish my talks and time spent with that girl to make myself appear to be a ladies’ man. Of course, all my listeners are well aware that I’m no such man and am just talking out of my arse. They do hear the actual story, eventually. In my mind, the girl is a friend and that’s all I expect her to be. A friend. Now let’s bring in stereotype. Since I’m friends with this girl, I so obviously lust after her and want her but am afraid to say anything so am content remaining her friend. My “loins are burning” and I have this overwhelming desire to just be with that girl. Please! That’s sickening. Sadly, it’s true in most cases, but I do not say that it’s a given that every guy lusts after every girl for some virtue or the other that she possesses i.e. I don’t believe in this “stereotypical guy”. However, he exists in the minds of more people than I would like.

A close friend of mine confessed to me that she had been reluctant to get into a relationship since she didn’t know if it would last. She was basically afraid of being hurt. Why? What grounds does she base her assumption on? Well, there are several logical reasons which can explain her fears. Perhaps the two aren’t meant for each other. Perhaps they are forced to split. Whatever the reason is, her dread is not unfounded. Let’s see what stereotype has to say about this. Well, the guy obviously just wants to be with this girl for as long as she’s devoted to him and “amuses” him. Once he feels that she’s getting old or becoming a burden, he’ll just move on to the next girl. It’s happened so often, that this is associated with stereotypical guys. It’s similar to “One-Night Stands”.

I decided to ponder upon my friendships with girls. My upbringing has taught me to be cautious and aware of how close I get to girls. I’m glad that I was brought up that way. The only downfall that I see is that perhaps I’ve come to treat relationships to be a major thing. It’s entirely possible that I’m making them out to be much more complex than they really are. I’ve never been in a relationship so what am I basing my theories on? Stories from others and observations of other relationships? Wouldn’t that make me believe a stereotype? Shouldn’t I find out first-hand how complex (or simple) relationships really are? I’m willing to find out since I don’t know how reliable stereotypical information is. Yet, my willingness is not strong enough for me to overcome my resolve to remain single until I’m independent.

The last sentence brings to mind yet another stereotype. In being friends with girls, I’ve changed how I consider them. My mind was slowly being warped into looking at them as personal conquests or what-not. This was because I was surrounded by people whose minds had similarly mutated much earlier and was seemingly beyond repair. Yet, I found that my resistance to believe everything I was told by others led me to look into friendships with girls. So after a few courage-plucking minutes, I would walk up to some girl who I had casually talked to and have more “friendship” type questions. I found that there was just so much more to girls than guys notice. From conversations that I’ve had with other guys, it seems that they are content to let their eyes pass judgement on girls. What about her character? Doesn’t that count for anything to you guys? “Huh? What did you say? I was too busy ogling at her!” Forget it.

I’ve already talked about this at the end of my last chapter. I said that guys attracted to a girl’s persona will automatically find her looks striking too. How many guys have actually gone past the looks stage to find out more about some girl? An ugly girl isn’t worth being told the time of day whereas the beautiful girl deserves nothing less than the best. The beautiful girl MIGHT turn out to be spoilt and snobbish. Yet, she still gets everything and the ugly girl is still cast out of the picture. Doesn’t anyone care to notice that PERHAPS the ugly girl has a much better character? Whatever.

“Hyper Dude” has often questioned my preferences. Is it possible that I could like a girl? He almost seems to doubt it. I don’t care. In my opinion, I’m doing what I’ve said I always do. I’m looking at situations from all angles. Would a girl like being considered nothing more than eye-candy? I suspect not. It’s conceivable that they might be flattered but if that’s all that they are limited to being, then I’m sure that they’ll get tired of being stared at pretty quickly. Therefore, when I consider the situation from a girl’s point of view, I don’t really like what I’m seeing. This in turn, affects my own take on the situation and I understand the scenario a bit better. All this would not be possible if I had let my mind keep transmuting like the others had. (A thought strikes me. Perhaps these guys haven’t become as hopeless as I make them out to be. However, I’ve received no indication to prove me wrong, so I’ll stick with my opinion of them for now)

So does my realisation (or misconception of realisation) place my “preferences” under question? It doesn’t matter. I’m just happy that I’m not as superficial as so many others. If I’m in touch with a side that’s more concerned with the personal side of a girl, then if and when I do find love, I’ll know that I’m in love with the character of that girl; not what they show but what they are.

“Artsie” mentioned in his blog that his thoughts were rushing around so quickly in his mind that he could barely comprehend them. I can say the same which could explain why my newest chapter is late by a few days. I knew that my new chapter would eventually talk about relationships but I was not sure exactly what I would talk about or whether I would have much to say. The separate incidents about stereotypes just sparked off a long chain of thoughts that gave me my material to write.

On to the lighter side of life. I’ve been playing a lot of Counter-Strike with my group of close friends. The game leaves much to be desired and I would never pursue playing this online with people I don’t know. It’s only when I play with people I know that I enjoy the game. Talking with each other about strategies, past games and amazing conquests makes the game fun. I always thought that I would be horrible at this game since I refused to play it but I found to my surprise that I’m fairly good at it (if I say so myself). Yet the game still does nothing for me. After I play Counter-strike, I feel like I need to satisfy my needs in the areas that the game wasn’t able to fulfil. For that, I turn to a real multiplayer game. Command & Conquer Renegade. A game that I’ve owned for more than 2 and a half years. A game that I still play with the same fetish that I started off with. The action may not be as fast-paced as it is in Counter-strike but Renegade just has so much to offer. Halo was a step ahead of Renegade when it came out but it did not appeal to me as much. Perhaps it was because I felt linked to Renegade or because Halo seemed to be too simple. So Renegade remained the mainstay of my gaming world. When I heard about Renegade II coming out, I was delighted and made a mental note to purchase it as soon as it came out… even pre-order it, if I saw fit. When EA took over Westwood and scrapped the development of Renegade, I joined millions of others in the protest and signed the petition fervently hoping to make a difference. Yet, our pleas fell upon deaf ears and I stand deprived of a game that had the inkling of being able to outdo Renegade. Now I await a game that can replace Renegade but until that day comes, I’m sure that I’ll stick with Renegade.

(Back to the dark side) I often feel like I’m Renegade itself. Every now and then, I get the impression that I approach friendship the wrong way and take it for granted. I assume that I’ll find friends easily and never need to worry. That’s not what bothers me. What’s disturbing is that I almost feel that I chose my friends. Yeah, we all choose our friends but that’s not what I mean. What I’m trying to ask is why friends stick with me? I offer them nothing and expect quite a bit in my opinion. I blow them off, I ignore their requests and advice and scoff at them between making personal jibes at them. So what in the world would keep them by my side? The simple answer would be friendship. That bond people share. My question is: Why does friendship occur in my case? I feel that I myself wouldn’t be friends with me yet why do these other people not have the same opinion? What is it in me that they think is worth the suffering that I inflict on them? Why is it that I keep showering them with the abuse even after I’ve realised that they could walk off and leave me be? I guess it would be because I take my friendships for granted and don’t consider the consequences of what would happen when I stop a friendship.

“Artsie” wrote “Talking with an open heart to an audience usually leads to complications, especially those which involve extremely close friends and conversations with them which are meant to be classified.” That makes perfect sense to me and it’s the same belief that I hold. Then why do I come back week after week writing about my thoughts and talking frankly about anything? Is it because I feel untouchable through the internet and feel that nothing bad can happen to me as a result? Or is it that I’ve finally found an outlet for me to release my thoughts? It could be that I’ve found a new way to torture my friends and mock them until they only associate my chapters with hurt and misery. I dispute the first possible reason. I know that I’m not untouchable since the readers are people who I see everyday. That’s excluding two to three readers who I regularly talk to through the internet. I have not let my chapters get too wide-spread since I do not think that now’s the time. So, I can’t be untouchable when I make fun of my friends since I see them everyday and am subject to their reactions.

I reiterate “I no doubt deserve my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends”.