I want to talk about being judgemental. I’ve mentioned it so many times now. I’ve often complained about people who judge others so quickly and yet I never blatantly admitted that I do it too. So, I’m worse than them. I’m judgemental and hypocritical.
Quick quiz to address the flaws associated with being judgemental. Some of you might be familiar with this.
*** Court In Progress ***
Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had eight kids already, three of whom were deaf, two blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Question 2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
And by the way: Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
*** I rest my case ***
I haven’t verified the Beethoven question which is something I should know seeing how I took a course on Beethoven. But the point is that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
Yet I still do. Not only do I judge people but I judge situations too. It’s good that I can size up people and situations so quickly but the pitfall to avoid is making it the final verdict. To keep an open-mind and allow other judgements to be made. Or should one avoid making judgements at all? To let things be how they are and not introduce a bias based on the judgement.
Of course, moderation is the key. Yet, the issue that I’m talking about is being close-minded. So often, I’ve caught myself saying “I hate so and so because of these reasons”. It’s bad enough that I form such strong feelings to hate something but more often than not, there have been pros too. I believe the first instance of me realising this was after I had formed a negative opinion of a professor and asked Emperor for confirmation. Instead, he pointed out some positives which made me realise how one-sided I had been. We’re all entitled to our own opinions but I feel that we should wait till we’ve considered the entire picture before forming them. I understand that it’s sometime hard to realise when you’re looking at the complete picture or if there’s more to it.
It’s sad that it took me so long to realise that I had been looking at life from one side… my side. Since then, I’ve tried to look at things from other peoples’ points of views and to see all sides of the stories but it’s still so easy to make a judgement and ignore all else.
So why spend this time complaining about it? Knowing there’s a problem is half the battle. So why am I not out there finishing the war? It’s easy to accept that some things just happen and that there’s no need to get worked up over them. The topic’s only taken priority in my mind recently.
It was only once I lost patience with other people being judgemental that I began to think about this properly. I was ready to criticise them for being judgemental but I realised that I was no different than them.
But honestly, who cares? I can try to be a good person and iron out all the flaws in my personality one by one but it gets me absolutely nothing. I can spend my entire life trying to be the perfect person. It might be difficult enough to see a flaw in intricate art but when the art is as personal as my own life then it’s hard to live with that flaw. Every time that flaw causes me troubles, I want to address it.
But I ask you. Who cares? So some soul thinks you’re a good person for still caring. What’s the benefit? Nice guys finish last and that’s my second main cliché (third in total if you’re keeping count).
Sir Walter Raleigh was said to have lain down his cloak over a muddy puddle so that Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t dirty her feet. What did that leave him with? The queen’s favour, a rumour that’s persisted for over four hundred years and a dry-cleaning bill? Yes, the truth is that he never did such a thing. Look it up.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be nice but I’m saying there’s not much glory in it. Yes, that’s not the goal of being nice but with so many downsides to it, it’s hard not to put niceties on the shelf and just be an ass to everyone. Or perhaps even be an asshole to some.
I can be nice to everyone and make it my defining characteristic. It’s the first thing people note about me but is that worth anything? It opens doors for some to walk all over me. It means that I’ve put aside my own wishes to go that extra yard and make someone happy.
Yes, that’s the motivation I was searching for. Make people happy. That’s the reason why you should be nice. Yet, it goes back to what I mentioned before. As long as everything is fine and dandy (is that a cliché?), no one will complain but no one will acknowledge it either unless specifically asked. Your reward for being nice is having the peace of mind that no one is nagging you to be nice. Yet, you can even be criticised for being too nice. There’s no pleasing the world.
The complexity that rises in reading other people is accounting for their moods. Catch a person on the wrong day and I could get the wrong feedback. I could take the time to notice something that a person usually cares about and yet I get no reaction. And it’s funny how I could realise that it was just bad timing but those split-second moments can change my goals. Perhaps it’s the accumulation of no reaction over a period of time but eventually, I don’t want to take it anymore. What’s the point of being nice and taking an interest in other people when I only get snubbed if it’s the wrong time?
I guess I can now say that I know what others go through when they talk to me. When they mention titbits that they felt would interest me but I just dismiss it with an airy “I don’t care.” You try and others trample your work.
Why should I bother with talking to anyone if it’s not to meet my own end? Keep friends for company when I’m lonely and maintain contacts for networking if I need a job or advice. Forget everything else. Why should I bother making the extra effort of talking to someone or trying to meet them when all I’ll get in return is a time when they can potentially fit me in on standby? Why should I show an interest in someone else when there’s none returned? Just keep friendships as superficial as I can to keep them going but not go beyond that because there just seems to be no return?
I can go the extra mile in being nice to someone because I don’t feel like it takes any effort. I want to be nice to the person. I want to do what it takes to make that person happy. Yet, it just doesn’t feel good when the person doesn’t seem to notice. When the person turns to me and comments on how someone else is so nice and almost perfect in some aspect. Does it ever feel fair when you go beyond yourself but still can’t compete with someone’s natural ability? It’s not jealousy. I’m too self-centred for that. I don’t see it as the other person being better. To me, I’m worse. There are so many things wrong with thinking this way because I should just be happy that there is someone out there doing a better job of being a better person than me. That the world can only benefit from having someone like that person around.
Is it because I’m looking for some sort of acknowledgement from the people I’m being nice to? I don’t think that’s it. I have already rescinded my initial statements of how I don’t care about what other people say. Instead, I altered it to say that I do care about what people say when they are people I care about. When they are people important to me then I’ll listen to everything that they have to say, good or bad.
In reality, I’m just looking for some sort of sign that there’s a benefit to being nice to everyone. You see it in all of the old sitcoms. How a person wishes they were never alive because they don’t feel appreciated or useful. Then some fairy godmother or godfather appears to show them how life would be different without them. Now being a family sitcom, they don’t show you the complete story. It gets edited out. The person really gets depressed, dopes up and hallucinates. How else can you explain the fact that this all-powerful “fairy” doesn’t appear when the person is facing other troubles?
To get back to the point – how would people’s lives change if I’m not as nice to them? Is that even a relevant query? Does that even make a difference? Who cares how their lives would change? If I really wanted to know, I’d stop being nice to them right now without worrying about repercussions.
I make it sound like being nice is such a burden; that each time I’m nice to someone, it’s such an effort. When in reality, it’s ingrained in me to be nice to someone. That I don’t think about it. I’m remembering particular instances but I’m not thinking of specific people. I’m thinking of that group of people who trivialise what’s important and flood your life with meaningless words and actions that are almost an annoyance. Is that too judgemental?
There’s nothing more to add on to that so I’ll move on.
What’s wrong? There’s so much more in friendships. I can think of so many examples which prove my previous paragraphs wrong. Yet, there are still too many examples supporting me. And I’m just tired of it. I keep plugging away and hope to get a hit but when there’s one miss too many, I want to cut my losses and take a hike.
If you want to be a nice person, you have to be willing to set some hard-and-fast limits to live by. You have to be willing to put in a selfless effort to help another. Along the way, that’ll mean losing out on things you want to do. It means giving up other things.
You cannot keep folding and unfolding a piece of paper without it eventually giving out at the creases. Eventually, the dam breaks if you poke enough holes in it. Don’t poke the bear! Eventually, I will look past my limits and I’m not going to come back unless I’m jolted back. How far should you go to get what you want? How far should you go when it all feels right? Oblivious to pain does not mean you’re not hurting. Everything could feel right but look deeper.
So often, I’ve felt that the moment was just right for me to take an action. To go with what I want, what almost feels natural, and take a risk. I was surprised that there wasn’t even any fear associated with the risk. It’s just so tempting to put aside those stupid limits because they don’t even help me! They’re restraining me and if I go with what I want, they won’t last. Yet, when you consider being nice and realising that there’s another party involved, you put aside the desires and you erect the limits again.
That brings me to my third cliché. Be careful what you wish for. I never liked this cliché. Obviously, if you want something then why should you be careful? Of course, it’s all about not thinking things through and not realising that there might be some downsides of getting what you want. Yet, if you really want something then you should be willing to work your way through the negatives that come with your decision. You’ve made your bed so sleep in it. Just make sure you know what to expect when making the decision in case you change your mind.
With so many desires in my life, it has been easy to filter through what I want and what I lust… for the most part. There are some that lie in the grey area between the two sides. These desires change sides depending on the situation. It’s hard to decide whether or not I really want a go at them. Therein lays the problem. If I do nothing and dismiss them as lusts, then they will continue to haunt me. I’ll wonder about what would have happened if I had taken the chance. Nothing would have changed so I’m still at square one. So, that leaves just the one decision to take. Go for it and make it a want. Make it mine. Do what I’ve been yearning to do and hope that it pays off. If not, then give myself a pat on the back for having at least tried. At least the problem has been resolved.
Sometimes, I wish to do something so badly that it feels natural. That there seems to be no reason why I shouldn’t do it and that it’s the right thing to do. Yet, when it involves another person, I always have to think about his / her reaction. Whether or not they’ll approve or whether or not it changes anything. Sometimes, you know that there’s an eventual dead-end even if you succeed but you still want to go ahead. I’m not explaining the context but in my case, it’s irrational! I’m just harbouring a wish that will eventually just cause more troubles.
Recently, it’s become more prominent that there are people out there who choose to confide in me. I’m not sure if it’s because I help them sort through their problems, if I’m just a good listener or neither. Yet, it’s apparent. People have told me that they feel as if they can tell me anything. They’re definitely being honest because they certainly aren’t obliged to tell me anything. It’s not like I confide in them. Although, that’s because I don’t have any problems to talk about.
A while ago, a friend needed my help. I don’t know what it was but I wasn’t sure how to help. I knew what I needed to do but something was stopping me. So I ended up passing my friend off to another. Yet, my friend still ended up next to me later on. I’m still thinking but perhaps it was because it conflicted with another side of me. There are some limits I’ve set on myself and to help, I would have needed to push the limit. There were two temptations to push the limit, one of them being to help my friend and yet I didn’t. I think eventually, my friend did feel better.
So there end my three clichés. As a final comment, I’m just going to say that I could be frustrated with being nice to people but that’s not going to change. Whether it’s now or further down the line, there are benefits to being nice. But more than that, there are benefits to me being me and not putting on a mean façade.
