Life's Simple, Right?

I know this person who I feel has a problem with confidence. I understand where this person’s coming from and why (s)he feels that way but there are times when I feel that (s)he’s refusing to accept his/her past and move on.

When I hear his/her friends comment on his/her problems, I smile because they are being encouraging but not helpful. “Good job” or whatever but there has hardly ever been anything they’ve said that I feel could help this person. Granted, these people are probably doing more than I am. However, I’m not qualified to help.

I guess I’m not as understanding as I used to think I was. I used to look at issues from everyone’s point of view and I’d have a comprehension of how they’d look at it. This issue is just far out of my grasp, I suppose.

In this case, I just feel that the only thing left that holds this person back is his/her mind. (S)He hasn’t been able to let go of his/her past and for that reason, the problem still consumes him/her.

I wish I knew how to help but I don’t. I don’t think my help is required anyway. Anyhow, I don’t know what this person is going through and I’m not close enough to him/her to merit knowing how this person feels.

Life’s simple, right? You have a part of the past that lingers when you want it to disappear? You move on!

Life’s simple, right? You have a friend who you wish you could help but you can’t get close enough to do that? Talk to the friend. There are no barriers when it comes to helping each other.

Life’s simple, right? Your best friend thinks that after you left high school, you’ve become the very person that you’d never want to be? Talk to the friend. The better the friend, the more your old self will shine through the shroud formed in the absence of the friend’s company.

Life’s simple, right? You’ve got a problem? Smile at yourself in the mirror. Not a small one - A nice toothy one. Or find me. I’ll cheer you up. I used to be great at making people feel great without even knowing about the problem. It’s still inside me, I’m sure of that. I just need to care again. Come to me people. I’m being sincere. I am truly approachable with all types of problems no matter how well you know me.

Life’s simple, right? Your life seems to be a brick road with each stone marking a problem? Well, under the paved stones lies the soft sand which helps your problems feel like just what they are. Take a handful of sand. Open your fist. Sand will begin to slip through your fingers. Or you can clench your fist and sand will squeeze out. Either way, an effort is made. Learn to let go of your problems or to show determination and grit.

Life’s simple, right? Right!

Insolent Infidels!

One thing I cannot tolerate is insolence. For certain people, I might take it to a small degree but in most cases, I’d change my attitude to the person. I especially hate insolence from younger kids who think they are “all that” and believe they can stand up to me. It doesn’t matter if you’re 6 or 19, if you seriously think that you’re too good, I’ll take it on myself to prove you wrong.

Someone will say, “Why does it have to be you? Why do you have to get involved?” I don’t want to. Just don’t get into my face telling me that you’re too good and I’ll leave you alone. If you really believe it, fine. There’s no need to make others believe it too. It’s just a sign of how unsure you are if you need confirmation from others.

I’ve been unsure about plenty of things. However, I’d like to think that it wasn’t about how I’m “all that”. Instead, it was more on the degree of my cons. So, I’ve asked others.

I used to be called one of the most patient people most people knew. That’s all changed. I don’t have much patience for stupidity, ignorance and especially insolence. The only thing left to do is perfect the way to make the person feel uncomfortable for being any one of those. Simply “tsk”ing or “uffo!”ing isn’t enough. I need to be able to say the right sentence to do the just amount of damage! Muahahahahaha!

Irrational Anger

Well, it’s pretty much settled. It’s just like “Puff” so adequately defined me. I’m too aware for my own good about what’s happening in my life. To elaborate – I know what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. So, it’s like, I know what is the rationale for my irrational behaviour.

Except, I don’t do anything to fix it:

I’m being an obstinate adolescent? That’s alright – I’ll just continue and make everyone feel threatened by my behaviour.

I’m being a jerk to other people? That’s alright – I’ll just continue and let others think that they should stay away.

Here’s the best one: I hide secrets from someone because I don’t want them to know. However, when I find out that they are hiding similar secrets (though, not always of the same magnitude), I get angry.

It’s quite an interesting thought process in my mind. It starts off with a brief moment where I am angry. Then that’s replaced by the thought that since I have the same secret from them, it’s only natural for them to keep a similar secret from me.

Except, even though I realise that it’s all fair, I’m still angry. Depending on the situation, my attitude towards the person completely changes. Of course, I don’t become completely heartless. If the timing is all wrong, I’ll hold off. If I’m lucky, my anger will blow over by the time the moment is ripe.

So, there’s no reason to be angry. I did the same thing. I have no right to be angry just because I found out that the other person did it. Yet, I am angry and on top of that… I’m repeating myself in this blog!

Argh!!

Internal Strife

You know you really love someone when you do all that you can to stop yourself from lapsing into that side of your character which you don’t want the loved one to see, ever!

You can feel it rising up inside you and you know that it’s there at the surface. I know how it feels to hold that “evil” side back and keep it from showing. It normally happens when things aren’t going the way I want and I’m expected to accept it.

However, when it comes to love, I’ve seen so many people hold that side of them in. I can see it there beneath the surface. I can see that they feel like they want to erupt but they don’t.

They described it to me. There’s the feeling of rage building up inside you and you just want to fall into that sour mood. You want to shut everyone out of your life and you want to just mope and feel sorry for yourself. However, it’s a conflict because there’s this other feeling that keeps sweeping through you. It makes your rage get more intense because this feeling carries a sense of warmth with it which just gets irritating. Yet, this other feeling persists. It feels like a wave through your body and you realise that you need to keep the rage within where it’ll eventually become overwhelmed by this other feeling. It’s love. You don’t want to see your loved one get hurt so you drown out the rage.

Like I said, in my case, the rage starts when things aren’t going my way and I’m supposed to accept that. The rage builds on minor annoyances and you just feel like angry at everything. Examples would be pencil nibs breaking, being put on hold on the phone, people asking stupid questions, being asked to do things for other people when you’re busy yourself.

These are all minor things. You might get irritated but certainly not angry unless you have a really short fuse.

These people tell me that they feel better right after they let the love take over. They still want to burst but it’s under control and soon enough, it disappears.

I suppose this could be another aspect of “The Fiercest Battles Rage Within”. An entire conflict takes place and the world can be oblivious to it.

Are we too self-centred to notice others in agony? Are we too self-centred to realise that out own petty battles are irrational when we could be accomplishing so much more together? Are we fools to think that we can live without love?

These questions aren’t rhetoric. Answer them.

Pogue Mahone!

Life’s going peachy keen. Everything’s going really well and I think that I’m actually on top of my work. There’s always more work to be done but that’s the life of an engineer. I can’t expect to be taking frequent breaks. The good thing is that I understand everything in my classes and I can keep up.

Even constantly working is not getting to me. I’ve sort of found the right combination of distractions and work which lets me get through everything really efficiently without losing focus of my work.

I’ve noticed quite a lot of interesting things over the past month. Firstly, you’re not alone in the world. No matter how much you think that you’ve experienced something in the world, there’s probably someone out there who has been through the same. I can stand on the subway and notice several people showing similar traits to me. We’re probably quite different from each other but in that aspect, we are almost the same.

There’s an Irish pub near the subway stop where I get off and transfer to the streetcar. I wonder if the general Toronto public know the meaning of the pub’s name. It’s called “Pogue Mahone”. Now if my Irish lessons serve me well, that translates to “Kiss My Arse!” Yet, hundreds of people walk by that pub seemingly oblivious of that fact.

I normally transfer to the streetcar around 15 minutes before the hour. The annoying part is that the streetcar is almost always full or takes forever in arriving. Frequent service? Yeah right! I found out that if I start walking at the same time as a packed streetcar, I’ll arrive at the stop I would usually get off at, just before the streetcar pulls up. I need to figure out something else.

I feel really rushed these days. Everything has fallen into a routine. I get an average of 5 hrs of sleep a night. I go to all my classes, I come back and I sit at my desk and I work for the remainder of the day. There are the usual breaks. Eating and gym time but that’s pretty much it.

It’s good in a way that I’ve got a groove to work with. However, I want a bit of change. I just feel like there’s no time for that though.

Even right now, I think I should be doing something but when I think about it, I’m kind of at a blockade for the moment. I need to wait till tomorrow to get back on the tracks and keep going.

I didn’t really have anything to talk about. The “Pogue Mahone” thing kept striking me so I decided to put that up. That’s all for now.

If you want to find me, I’ll most likely be at King’s College Park having fun!