Reversion

I would like to say that I saw this coming but that would mean that I would finalise the reversion back to my old state of mind with which I started off this blog.

I mentioned a long time ago that I would often be able to predict the occurrence of an event but would not lift a finger to stop it from taking place possibly because I wanted to see whether I would be right or not. In the same way, I feel that I haven’t tried anything to stop this event from happening. However, I think that it wasn’t up to me to do anything in the first place.

It sounds like I’m stating “As long as I don’t say it, my mind doesn’t believe it”. That sounds like something “Fartsie” would say in his current state of mind. I don’t buy that though. My mind knows that I’ve finally come round a full circle and ended up with the same personality which my blogs showed at the start.

Determinego

I’m not as confrontational as I used to be because it doesn’t normally get me places when I’m arguing against brick walls. That’s normally the feeling that others get when they argue with me. They just can’t break my stubbornness or get through to me.

I’m still really confrontational and I just feel a lack of pep in life these days. I could just as well stir up some excitement but confronting everything. It’s sort of like standing on the road under a red light and daring the oncoming car to just try and run you down.

I’m that sort of person. I can do things others won’t dare to try just because I can. It’s the small things like this that provide a small break from routine. The highlight of my day on Monday was visiting a travel agent. That was my break from routine. That was the only break over the past few weeks.

I’m so against routine because I don’t want to be limited. It’s the same thing in studies. I know I’m in over my head with engineering but the only reason I don’t want to give it up is because if I do, then I’ll know that there IS a limit to how far I can go. As long as I can overcome every obstacle that I come to, I have the arrogance complex where I can do whatever I put my mind to. If I admit loss to one obstacle, then I’m already limiting myself. That’s just something I don’t want.

I look back and I think that I should have dropped out of engineering at the end of first year simply because it wasn’t what I was suited for. People choose majors depending on what they’re interested in doing. I chose whatever I was given and now it’s turned out to be an obstacle. I can’t expect myself to give it up now.

Determination has nothing to do with it. To keep my grades up, I need to stay determined, according to some. I think it’s more to do with my ego. To keep up my ego, I need to keep my grades up.

Is This Life?

Instead of being part of the group, I’ve fallen down the ranks to become just a casual spectator. I no longer witness the fun moments with my friends. Rather, I hear about them the next day. I don’t get involved with what goes on, I just watch. It’s almost as if I’m just a fly on the wall when I’m with my friends. I miss out on everything because I’m asleep early whereas the others gather to mess around.

A couple of Sundays ago, we tried setting up a friend of mine, with a girl who, we had a hunch, he liked. Well, not really ‘we’, since I was once again, more of a spectator. Watching him struggling to stop us from talking to the girl and then trying to undo the mess, made me laugh. Afterwards, the others were trying to urge him to make a move. He was so… so ‘defiant’? He kept insisting he didn’t like her as anything more than a friend. Even while I watched the scene, I was wondering about being in his position.

I’ve realised that even though I ‘lust’ for it sometimes, I’m not really ready to be in a relationship. Well, perhaps I am, but I’m not willing to be committed into being with one person for much of my free time. Free time is already rare enough to come by. I prefer not to have to spend it with someone. Thinking over all the things that being in a relationship meant, I found myself more disillusioned from the lack of glamour that I had imagined it to be.

Recently, a friend of mine went to a desi party and he sort of hooked up for a toned-down one-night stand (phrased in the worst-way possible). The lust inside me rose again, but really, is that what I as a person want? I really doubt it so I suppressed desire yet again.

My friends all want to go to a club together. They say it’ll be fun. Lust makes the offer tempting. Principles overrule. Clubs are just pathetic in my opinion and I rather never see the inside of one, even if it is just ‘for the experience’.

Speaking of principles, I think I’ve let mine slip quite far. Though I haven’t even scraped the surface, I think that wherever I let my principles slacken even a bit, I came off as a worse person.

Desis think that because of their culture, they are restricted from doing so many things. Well, no one is really stopping them. There are several desis who accepted the western culture and found it to be better. Yet, for all of those who spend their time wishing to be part of the western culture, they’re just wasting away because they aren’t enjoying the life they have. Instead, they want to be like the others. Please, just get a bit of spunk and do something about it instead of taking every single damn opportunity to complain about it!

I’ve been talking to a cousin of mine a lot recently. Our conversations are essentially pointless, as mine are with every person who I consider a dear friend. We’ve developed the same lust but neither of us saw the point of going ahead and getting a relationship.

Desire is nothing here. The second I give in to desire is the second that I drop my grades. It doesn’t really matter what I want to do anymore. It’s all about doing what I have to do. Isn’t that a life of slavery? Yet I have a choice. I’m not bound to this life.

So many people talk about how university life was the best thing that ever happened to them. I wonder how many of them were in engineering. Last year, I lived like a non-engineer and I had a blast. This year, I’m being more of an engineer, and have not had fun a single time except for when I went to Wonderland. It’s effectively been a whole term since I’ve gone out.

There’s no one special in my life… physically, I mean. There’s no one that I can meet and enjoy myself with. All the people, that I like talking to, are only present on the other side of the world. On this side, I’m in a group of friends. That itself is the problem. There’s no one person at any time. I can’t say that I’m meeting e.g. “Fartsie” without e.g. “Zub” being there. It’s always like that.

I haven’t had the urge to hang out with my friends. Sure, I miss out on a few good times, but there really is no appeal to be with them. Our conversations revolve around the same things all the time. I know that people suggest talking to friends when one feels down. I don’t want to talk to my friends. I know what they will say. There’s nothing new for me. I’m bored. The ones I do want to talk to, can’t be found alone for a long enough time to just hang out and talk about whatever.

So what am I getting at? Am I getting upset and lonely? I doubt that. Am I losing my sense of fun and just fading into a book? I guess so. It is tough going through 9 hours of classes followed by 3 hours more of work. I guess I’m not cut out for that. It just seems that no matter how much effort I put in, I’m not getting past a certain point. I’m not better this year, but then so is everyone else. I’m not in the top percentile of my class anymore… I’m just an average Joe sitting at the back of the class getting grades that aren’t worth comparing to my marks from when I used to be someone.

It just seems to me that the path I’ve taken isn’t going to take me towards my dream life. I’m not saying it’s because I’m in engineering, but I believe it’s because I’m just gearing up to go in to a competitive world and strive to be the best. All I really want is to be content and have a leisurely life where I don’t have to worry about work all the time. I see all these businesspeople on the streets and in our classes who talk about who they are and what work they do. I just wonder whether they are really happy. Are they getting up daily to do what they love? Is there ever something that they would love to do but just don’t have the time/resources or whatever?

Much like with my feeling of lust from before, I have this overwhelming desire to travel the world not to see different civilizations but to see various landscapes. I want to personally witness the scenery that I’ve only seen in pictures. Then what? What will I do once I’m there? Take a picture and call it a day? Is that how shallow my desires are?

I want to travel to space and finally be amongst the stars that I’ve often cast my eyes up towards. Then what? I’ll float around for a while, admire the view and then?

No matter what I think of, I know that in a very short period of time, I’ll turn my thoughts towards the very thing that I want to get away from - Civilization.

I’ve often said that I rather lead than conform. I rather do something different and risky than take the safe way that is laid out. Yet, all I’m doing is taking the safe path. I’m walking towards a secure future where I just need to work hard to do well. Then where is the excitement? Where is the freedom? I don’t care when, but I would love to be able to get up and go wherever I want, whenever I want. If I want to go to Australia or New Zealand for a week’s vacation, then I want to be able to leave without wondering about my job or about what’s going on in the place I just left. Whatever… I’m talking about desires again - The very thing that has to be suppressed within me for as long as I’m in university. As far as great university lives go, I’ve written them off.

A friend of mine told me that I’d be a much better person if I’d stop being a martyr. She’s definitely right but it’s so easy to wallow in self-pity when you believe that nothing’s right in your world. It’s not something that I intend to let continue, but for now, I’m just pissed with the life I’m living and I want a change. Yet, any change could possibly let my grades slip again. So, I’m just sticking to this rut. For as long as it keeps me focused. Argh!

Muhahahaha

I am the most evil person in the world… More to come after the plan has been executed.

I Win!

Personal victory! I talked to the friend who I said I had been somewhat ignoring. Best part was that I managed to go through the whole conversation without any line-making, which is something that my friend tried to do quite a lot of times. One step closer to freedom! Window, here I come!

Evanescing

Yesterday, I didn’t feel like writing anything. I had a few small things on my mind. Then a short while before I went to bed, I had quite a few things that I just wanted to think about. Now’s a good time to go through them. Roomy’s not here and no friends to disturb my thinking.

First, I just wanted to talk about something that I can’t remember having mentioned in my blogs. In my mind, the ideal friendship can only occur between two people of the opposite gender. That friendship is just so good! There’s utter harmony there. I’m not talking about a romantic relationship but just a plain simple friendship. I am and have been for many years a great believer in the fact that all friendships between boys and girls do not lead to romantic involvement. However, I’ve been constantly bombarded from all sides by people arguing against me.

This ideal friendship gels so well and nary a fight occurs. The conversations flow for hours and even if the two friends talk daily for hours, they can do it all over again the next day. I believe I’ve mentioned this before but I am happy for those people who I know have that friendship. I have that friendship. Not to the degree that I wish but I’m really happy that I have what I do. Of course, she has someone else with whom she shares that friendship. Aw, you know I’m just kidding with you.

Life’s been pathetic for a while now. I feel like I’m caged in work. Just to be able to find time to do nothing. I think I’ll spend an hour after I’m done with this to stare out the window and relive my euphoric moments.

I don’t think I’m under stress from midterms but they are there hanging over my head urging me to study. With so many midterms, it becomes hard to keep track of how to approach one. I’ve finally got my final exams schedule. It’s demanding to say the least.

I guess living together has lived up to all our expectations but it’s also brought some unfortunate side effects. We’re getting tired of always having someone right there beside us. Our lone time is zilch. I’m sure none of us will want to spend too much time away from each other, but perhaps a little time wouldn’t hurt.

We’re just butting into each others’ lives all the time and I guess we’re crossing lines. It’s hard for us to distinguish someone just bugging us from someone trying to help us just by being there. At least, it is for me.

Heh, “Artsie” and I have been listening to the same songs these days. There hasn’t been a day that’s passed in recent memory that I don’t remember listening to either “Pennywise – Instrumental” or “Black Lab – Gates of the Country”

The weather is amazing for these days. I think this weekend, I’m going to put some amazing songs (like these two) on repeat, ask my roomy to either leave or be quiet for a few hours and stare out the window. Ah, the window… My door to freedom.

Here’s something a cousin of mine had to say about me:

taabish is an amalgam of many taabishs… “the cold taabish.. the SUPER friendly taabish.. caring taabish… .indifferent taabish etc etc” people who really know him..might know what I’m talking about. Has a very sarcastic sense of humour.. which is fine with me.. but others might find it hard to cope with!!! But if you have a keen sense of sarcasm you’ll love it with him!...hmm.. overall an amazing guy. never have a dull moment with him. ALL in all I love this guy’s personality… jaisee bhee hai!

I really liked what was written about me. I’m kind of surprised that in such a short time, I revealed so many different sides of me. Either that or my friend was really perceptive. I’m also kind of disappointed that I only have four different main personalities. I thought I was more moody than that.

I think I’ll have free time next weekend. I’m definitely going to work on my website then. I don’t have much to add but I definitely want to just assure myself that I did something with it.

I talked about having this drive in me a few blogs back. I don’t think I have that drive anymore but I’m still working like I did. I only hope that the drive comes back before I begin to suffer.

I’m just tired. I want to lie down and do nothing. I want to have nothing running through my head, have nothing disturb me, not feel like I wasted time and get back up when life’s gotten better. Yet, lying down and hoping won’t help. I need to do something to improve life before I can finally lie down and enjoy as much of it as I can before it slips again. Life is like a balloon with a teensy-weensy hole in it. You have to keep inflating the balloon to have fun with it but eventually you need to work at inflating it again. On top of that, the hole’s too small to be detected. Similarly, life has this hole which can’t be found and out of which all pleasure is sucked from. I’ve been unable to find this hole but I’ve given it a name… Engineering.