Final Fantasy

Writing down your fantasies always makes them lose their charm. For the past hour, I’ve been listening to the Final Fantasy soundtracks and they’ve been making me yearn for a different life where all this was unnecessary. I want a life where I only need to deal with a single main goal. This sounds really dumb but if you’ve played any of the games, the life of the characters seem to be so focused. They are working towards one goal. What makes their lives even more tempting is the fact that their goal is the same as what I’ve talked about before… to help mankind. On paper, this fantasy seems so lame but what really appeals to me is that they are so free! They aren’t restricted by society.

Even their fights appeal to me. Just the same as in Gladiator (by the way, I’m listening to the Gladiator soundtrack now). To fight is an inner urge.

I’ve had the same desire rise up in me when I’ve watched a few Anime shows. When I see them traveling from place to place or sleeping under the stars, I wish I could have that too. Even before, I turned towards my window to stare at the city while listening to the music and felt as if I wanted to get away from here and be free. In my room, I am free from the world and I felt somewhat satiated. However, then I was required to get back to work and I’ve been struggling to recapture that moment.

Is it too much to ask when I ask society to just take it easy?

Giggidy!

I haven’t complained about anything in a while. Here’s something. Slow walkers! Especially those people who are seemingly oblivious to other people on the sidewalk. I admit I’m a fast walker and therefore often find myself trapped behind people. However, is it too much to ask that when people walk in groups, they pair off or something? Why must they walk abreast and block the whole sidewalk?? Or how about those people who are not only walking very slowly in front of you, but they are also slowly drifting! Drifting right into my path!! It’s so irritating! Ah, the best example. People who decide that they must stop in mid-stride without giving any warning. There I am, walking along and looking for my opportunity to overtake the people in front of me when they just brake! The number of dance moves that I’ve picked up just dodging them will surely make me a hit at a fuddy-duddy’s party! There are a lot of other cases too, actually. People who hold their umbrellas out at dangerous angles or people who don’t seem to notice that you’re right next to them and start moving in towards you! Jeez! I think it’s time that a license be required to walk on the sidewalk!

I find it amusing when my friends say to me ‘No man. We know you. We know you don’t go for that sort of thing’. It’s interesting learning what they know about me and what they expect me to do. I haven’t corrected any of them so far. I rather just let them think they’re right. It doesn’t matter to me whether they are right or not. I just find it nice that they bothered to get to know me.

Happiness

There came a time last year, where I couldn’t sleep if I hadn’t blogged. If I didn’t have access to my computer, I would either write it down on paper or I would just toss and turn and try to turn my attention elsewhere until I drifted off. My reliance on blogging had increased so much. At this time, I consider one reason for that was an attempt at getting people to notice me and for that, I always needed to come up with new material. Yet, I don’t really believe that. I just liked having stuff to think over in my mind.

Similar to this experience, a few years back, I couldn’t sleep if I didn’t spend a few minutes thinking of the good things I wanted in my life or in the world.

Over the summer, I changed a lot. It may not show much in my character but there are so many alterations that I really like. If I seem the same cold person I was last year, I would assume you’re mistaken. It’s still within me but there’s a different side of me that’s expanding itself over all borders. Ruthlessness is something I still cherish, simply because I consider it ‘cool’, but I’ve begun to save it for select occasions.

I no longer need the blogs to convey my thoughts. It’s more for personal use and now I use it much like a journal. I’m not going to write what I did in my day nor am I going to write what special things happened to me. I prefer to write about what I thought of the day and when I look back on these blogs, I’ll have guidelines to help me reminisce upon these days of my life.

The change over me during the summer is really quite remarkable and it came so quickly that I offered no resistance. I come back to what I’ve mentioned a few times already. Finding happiness in the simplest of things has become my greatest achievement thus far. For the sake of pointing it out: A general view is that happiness is not found. It surfaces when stimulated. Happiness is within you… Looking within you to find it isn’t feasible in my mind. It’s easier to bait it out. Like a mouse in a hole. What better way to do that than going out into the world and living life freely? When happiness takes over you by surprise, it’s even more potent. That is the appeal of living freely. You never know when happiness will come.

You’re all welcome to offer your opinions in this matter. Not everyone will agree with what I said. I’m interested in knowing what you have to say.

Gratification

I’m in a semi-nirvana mood right now.

I talked to “Puff” after such a long time. I really missed my conversations with her. We didn’t have much time and I had told her a long time ago that I had something important to tell her. I mentioned it in my blogs too. So our conversation revolved around me telling her the whole long story. Yet, just knowing that she was the one I was talking to, made things so much better. I could tell her the whole uncut story easily. She’s got my full trust on any matter. I wish I had more time to talk to her, but that time will come.

For the moment, my conversation with her has left me in a really happy state again. I’ve got the same sad smile on my face. The same sad feeling in my eyes. I can’t say anything else without revealing parts of the story, so I can only say that she’s helped revive chords of my heart that had stopped playing a while back. I said in my earlier blogs that I had been reverting to my old self. This one conversation with her has just stopped all that. Thanks!!

Crappiness

Yeah, I know that's not a word. It's a combo. Crappy and Happiness. I feel like I'm torn between the two. I've been in a fairly good mood all day. Even now, I feel sad. Yet, that doesn't sound right. I have this weird sad smile on my face. Ironic smile would best describe it. I'm in one of those moods where I'm perfectly content to just sit here and listen to music. Yet, the sadness comes from the realisation that I must turn my attention back to life eventually.

I really pity the world. Such selfishness and misery in the world due to people who don't do the right thing. In my current mood, I feel like helping out whoever I come across but no one has accepted my offer yet.

I'm really giddy right now. A friend sent me this new sort of smiley and just looking at that cute little bugger makes me happy.

I've come to despise talking about myself since I feel that I'm just being egotistical. It's not the same thinking as "Banana Man". Yet, I just want to put this moment down for myself to remember later on in life.

I talked about fading out in a recent blog.

There's something that I've always had trouble figuring out. Whether I'm the cold, cruel, sarcastic arse or whether I'm the push-over guy who'll go out of his way to do so much (unasked and uncredited) for the people that matter and still find time to do things for the people who don't.

Time presses down on me to return to the real world and take up my duties again. Yet, I feel more liberated with each moment that passes.

I've evolved from finding happiness from the simplest things to finding happiness even with nothing at all. I recall that I wrote in one of my earlier blogs about "Having a life so dull that I'm easily excited or leading a life so exciting that I'm rarely impressed." Something like that. I seem to have gone from one extreme to the other.

As far as I can see right now, I'm in Nirvana right now. It's just a feeling that will last until I sleep. Yet, this is the feeling that I'll remember when I wonder when I was the happiest in my life.

I'm really sorry and Thank you!

Quietude

People ask me why I'm so quiet... Why don't I ever have anything to say? Well, it's quite simple. Half the time, I have something sarcastic running through my mind but it's not the right time to say it. The other half of the time, I'm either thinking of something sarcastic to say or I have something stupid running through my mind which I really don't want to say.

Why people look past the simple reasons or even refuse to acknowledge them, is beyond me. Life's too short to spend wondering why things are...

Envisage

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?

First, to add on to the Dan Brown comments that I made earlier, I have to say that the way everything in his story (the third book I read) seemed to fall into place with real life made the book that much more enjoyable. It put such a different perspective on religion. Looking back at the book, I feel there's so much more to learn.

A question is raised about how God could be both benevolent and all-powerful when there is so much suffering in the world that God has done seemingly nothing about. It almost appears like there's a contradiction. If I had a kid, would I let him skateboard? Yes I would... Even though I know that there's a risk that (s)he would get hurt, I would still let him/her go, because (s)he cannot learn without experiencing it. I can't hold him/her back all the time. We learn through pain. In the same way, if we did not suffer, we would not know learn how to live without pain. That answer made a lot of sense to me even though it wasn't the one that came to my mind. Now that I ponder over it, the answers do have a subtle link. I thought more along the terms of "Without misery, how could you recognise happiness?". There's so much that I don't understand about religion but there's so much that I haven't tried to understand about religion.

Oh, after reading about "Banana Man's" acheivement of 300 posts, I checked up on where I stand. I'm only on my 37th post but I think it just might be possible that my blog is the same in length as his. I'm nearing 43000 words. My goodness, 43000 eternal words of my crap! I think I'm the better magician... They can make animals out of balloons... I can form words from my crap!

There have been times in my life when I have had to make tough decisions which I don't care to make again.

It's always been easier to just give up and let the world surround you. To just say, whatever... let's just do what I want instead of doing what's right. (I wonder if what I wanted to do was also the right thing to do, would I still want to do it?) I can only imagine the happiness that I would have felt if I would have done what I wanted... I also know that whether it was right or wrong at that point of time would have ceased to matter. Eventually, it would have just become a push or be pushed course of action. However, in the long run, it doesn't matter. The right thing is the only thing that matters. I guess that's why people think that I have a bigger stick up my arse than even "Artsie" ever had! Simply because I can control my own desires and go the right way. What the hell, right? I should have fun, right?

I realised that I've learnt to find beauty in the simplest of things. I can look at empty space and still be awestruck. That really helps me pass the time when I have naught else to do. So far, I've only turned to nature when I've been strapped for stuff to do. Yet, I've recently started taking time out just to look out the window and admire... well admire everything.

I've underwent a change over a period of a month. I started finding enjoyment in a lot of simple things. I became a lot happier... Recently, though, I've been starting to revert back to my old self and I'm almost dreading that. Before, I was actually happy to be the person that I was before. Now, I dread becoming that person. Yet, going back to that person seems to have its perks but the people whose opinions I actually respect, have often told me that they prefer the new me.

I've come to realise that there are situations where you don't fit in even though you've been in that situation for ages and ages. You were at the start of that situation and it evolved to the point that you're not suited for it anymore. What can you do? I can pull out of the situation, just silently let the others take the lead or I can try and fit in. Yet, there's something stronger than pride or stubbornness that makes me want to resist fitting in. I don't believe in adjusting to fit into a situation. I believe that the situation should accept me as is. For example... It's like being in a circle of friends. I shouldn't have to change who I am to be part of that group. They should accept me for who I am.

To get back to the point, I don't want to sit back and let others take control. I'm not a follower, I'm a leader, you might say. I can't just sit on my buns and do nothing at all. I have to get up and get out there. So on and so forth. That leaves me with the option of pulling out of the situation. It's like giving up habits. Not that easy but quite simple really. Just work at it. If you bite your nails and you want to stop, just dip your nails in vaseline everytime you wash your hands... that way, when you bite your nails, the taste will make you stop. Eventually, you'll stop. All habits are that simple to break. Yet, there are special circumstances in my situation. Breaking this habit won't affect just me. Then again, I'm letting my pride assume that what I do really affects others.

In the end, it's all what I make of it. I'm not going to treat this problem like it's anything. Mind over matter... something that I've started to believe in after experiencing winter in Toronto.

Every one is going to look at this blog and say that I've gone back to the depressed person that I was before. My last few posts have actually gotten good reviews... appreciation from a few people. I think we can all agree that no matter what state I'm in, I'm always aware enough of it to know how I am. I knew that the first few months of my blogs portrayed me as a serious and depressed person. I know that the last few show a happier fun-loving side of me. There's hardly a moment in my life where I feel at a loss to explain to myself how I'm feeling. I know exactly how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that. I feel that's a plus point for my character yet I understand the downfall of it too. Right "Puff"? Do you agree with what I've just said?

When I look at this blog, I can understand why people would think that I'm all psycho and depressed. Yet, I see something in this blog that I feel really represents how I've been feeling recently. There's this drive in me that makes me want to get up and just get going. To stop sitting around and doing nothing about life but going out and making it become what I want. Call it ambition or whatever you want. What I've got is a fire in my loins and a shiver down my spine everytime I feel this drive building up. There's no motivation for me to improve myself or to be successful. There's just this drive that gives my eyes a glint and my lips a smirk.

In the words of the immortal Captain in MXC "Gaaaait it on!"!

Pressed... For Time!

Ok, I don't really have much time since I've got a meeting in 20 minutes.

Chestnut's gotten better. I talked to Wayne and he said he expects it to be more organised. Even though I haven't been in the dining room yet, I saw it from the outside and they've added more seating room and more food counters... mmm... more food!! They've added tubelights above each desk in the room. They've added more baggage area outside the dining room and moved the swiping table there as well. Oh! Urban Cafe's got a jukebox, Mortal Kombat arcade game, two pool tables and the fussball table. I still expect that we'll have to pay for them...

My room's better now too. They got rid of the long flat dresser table and replaced it with a taller and narrower one. Opened up a lot of room. I took the window side this time. Don't worry, I doubt our messing around times will be affected.

Oh! I've been reading Dan Brown these days. He's a pretty good writer and he can keep you intrigued. I read two of his books (500 pages each) in two days... That's around 8 hours of reading! Then again, I didn't have much else to do. I definitely recommend reading his books. However, when I reached the ending of the second book, I was really disappointed. He made the NSA's top cryptographers look like idiots who didn't know high school chemistryand can't even break Caesar's Box Code!!! Now I know Americans are dumb and all but these people are supposed to be exceptions!

Overall, both his books were pretty good except for one main problem. Halfway through the suspense novel, you get the feeling that he's steering you towards one ending and that the actual ending is completely opposite. He's fingering one guy as the culprit but you get this hunch that the last person you would suspect is actually the culprit! Ah well, the second novel's ending turned me off on his books but I've got two more to read and one of them has been topping the best seller's list in various countries for months now!

Gotta go now! Toodles!