Predictability, Curiosity, Pride & Friends

People tend to take comfort in the predictability of the common human. Surprises just aren’t appreciated since they don’t always tend to be good. As usual, people tend to remember the disadvantages of everything and completely ignore the advantages.

A person whose actions are dictated by logic rarely lets emotions define his/her actions. Similarly, a person whose actions are fuelled only by his/her passion and emotions rarely tries to cool himself/herself down and listen to a rational mind. That’s exactly how we want people. Banal. People might desire for the former type of person to act on impulse frequently to spice up their lives but in most cases, the results are far from satisfactory. Similarly, an impulsive person is often told to take charge of their feelings and think things through. However, for the people who know this person, they will find the change undesirable since they are used to the reckless behaviour. Not the boring side, which they will find themselves being presented with, after the change.

People have even made a living out of predicting what people will do. Poker players come to mind. Correct me if I’m wrong since my knowledge of the game is quite limited. I get the impression that each player (along with a stroke of luck) attempts to figure out whether the opponent is bluffing about his/her hand or not while predicting what the opponent might try next. Another example that comes to mind is a gossip artist. Knowing that people thirst for information about other person, a gossip artist only needs to lob a few well-placed rumours in the midst of a group to cause chaos. What’s ridiculous is that they know exactly which person is likely to pass along the false data like an excited little child who wants to blab to his/her parents every simple event that took place in his/her small world.

I, myself, take pride in predicting what people will do next. I explained my reasoning in my first chapter. Even though pride is not a trait that I cherish, it’s a quirk that I take pleasure in. Now, I remember explaining to someone so vehemently that I was not arrogant but put on the façade just to protect a weaker inner-self. However, over a period of time, the arrogant persona that I projected towards the public, integrated itself with my natural character. Now I’m a jerk who takes every opportunity to gloat over others, when presented with the chance. I still believe that I can salvage what’s left of my original personality since I regret my cockiness. As much as I detest my conceit, I abhor my humbleness. Whenever, I feel humble, I receive comfort which makes me feel like a martyr.

Though I dislike pride, I loathe curiosity in people. I myself am very curious. However, my curiosity is not the same type of inquisitiveness that I detest. Perhaps my hatred morphed so that I don’t hate my character anymore than I do, but I believe that this abhorrence emanates from my logical mind. As I’ve mentioned in my first chapter, I’m not curious about peoples’ lives but more so about them. I’m a keen observer of human nature. I wish to know what causes them to do whatever they do. However, I don’t care to know what secrets they have or whether they are on the sly or not. People who do wish to know such details annoy me to the point of disgust. Any information that person A does not wish to reveal is kept private for a reason and therefore for person B to pry is completely wrong. It’s just not person B’s business. Everyone justifies their actions with excuses, though. In this case, the excuse could be anything from “I had Person A’s best interests in mind.” to “I was just looking out for myself, in case Person A turns out to have a shady past.” In my opinion, gossips are no better. They just lurk around hoping for some juicy news that they can spread around. I don’t know whether the people who relate the stories are the sad ones or the ones who bother to listen. Either way, it’s just really pathetic when people find their lives too boring and need to rely on the lives of others.
Ah! I found another scrape goat. Yet another pathetic sight in my mind would be talk shows. When people call in and talk about their problems or whatever else is on their mind, they are just letting the whole world know. They are basically telling gossips that they are easy victims. They might as well place a bulls-eye on their back. I’ve never sat through a whole episode of Oprah Winfrey, Rikki Lake or any other similar talk show. The whole show revolves around a bunch of people whining about their problems ultimately breaking down into tears and woefully looking for pity from others. It’s bad enough that they WANT to come onto the show and talk about their problems in public, but people start watching them regularly. That’s when I know that our world is really twisted. People finding other people’s misery entertaining. For television networks to promote this self-degradation, does not say much about their respect for privacy.

Speaking of self-degradation, I would like to talk on nudity for a while. It’s not a topic that I’m really comfortable with and I’ve done my best at preventing myself from being exposed to this. I admire nudists since they can expose themselves so comfortably. However, when nudity is relied upon for boosts in careers, ease in getting things or just for the pleasure of others, then admiration goes out the window and repulsion settles in. The last reason strikes me most vividly. People should not strip for the sole purpose of entertaining others. It’s vulgar, obscene and demeaning. Then again, for people to watch these “nudists” is just as shameful.

Swearing would probably be next on my list. I’m sure that more than ninety percent of teens swear incessantly. I’ve got nothing against people who cuss yet I’m still to understand their reasoning for it. Sure, they swear to show that they are frustrated or for emphasis. However, both of these can be done with normal English words that are still decent to the ear. If someone is frustrated, why can’t they just say “Shucks!” or “Shoot!” instead of rattling off a list of profanities? If they want to place emphases on words, why can’t they use adjectives that the English language originally meant to be used? If they want to vent their anger towards someone, why can’t they just say “Curse you!” or “A pox upon you!”?

An idea struck me about how people approach the concept of swearing. When a new “bad” word appears on the horizon, it’s used rarely and quite tentatively. However, as time progresses, the bad word loses its influence as a derogatory word. Then another word looms out of the void left behind. So forth. It’s the same for adrenaline junkies, cigarette smokers or any other addicts. In the beginning, small doses were sufficient. Ultimately, the small doses no longer had the same effect and a higher dose was looked for.

For the past several years, I can say that I’ve experienced peer pressure to normalise by swearing too. To become one of the others and be accepted as a “cool” person is a desire held close to the heart by many. Swearing can provide one way of fulfilling that desire. Yet, that desire never hit me strongly enough to entice me to swear freely. All around me, friends swore and never seemed to notice it. Every time I heard a cuss, I would flinch and wonder why they felt the need to use such filthy language. It’s not up to me to preach to them and ask them to stop swearing. It’s for them to realise that it’s not essential to make friends and be “one of them”. Whenever I’ve come across a young ‘un who I’ve caught swearing, I tell them that I had a large group of friends out of which the majority swear. I’m one of them but I achieved that slot without having let words of dirt slip through my lips. You shouldn’t have to change to make friends. They should accept you for who you are.

I’m not going to mention any names in this section, since this could be more humiliating for those people than they might like. I’m just sticking to the safe side.

To continue with this relentless whining, I would like to talk about friendships with girls. It’s a normal thing and everyone has a few female companions in their lives. I don’t know whether it’s as bad in the western world as it is in Asia. In the western world, relationships spring up at a very tender age so a simple friendship is nothing unusual to anyone. However, in Asia, boys and girls are raised with not much interaction between the two. A relationship at a young age is frowned upon and definitely not a good idea. It makes sense too so I have no desire to have a girlfriend yet. However, I do make friends with girls even though that is still considered somewhat outlandish. They are after all just people, so why should I let gender stand in the way of being friends. Isn’t that too a form of discrimination which is even more of a sin? It’s a refreshing change talking to girls and they certainly do help in the development of character.

When I first moved to the Middle East at the start of my teens, my upbringing kept me away from females. I didn’t mind. Until then, I hadn’t really seen much of the western world and did not know that they started dating at a young age. That year, I was thrust into a country that was quite similar to the western world. Sure, the traditional Pakistani customs still stood there but they were diluted and almost overshadowed by the western style of living. On my first day in a new school, I was surrounded by swearing and romance. Out of one eye, I could see kids my age, angrily cussing at each other. Out of the other, I saw a couple sitting together, blissfully ignorant of their surroundings. Unsurprisingly, I did not like the change. I found that I was very uncomfortable talking to girls since I would worry that people might assume that I’m in a relationship with her. Later, I learnt to completely ignore what other people think since they are always on the watch for some goat to pick on. That’s probably when I stopped depending on others since I felt that the more they knew about me, the more they could use against me. Anyhow, over the next few years, I found that I was impervious to being pressured into swearing. However, I did start talking to girls more often.

The first time I had a conversation with a girl, a group of classmates starting whooping and catcalling. That certainly wasn’t too encouraging. Nonetheless, I gradually conversed with girls frequently. After a year, I was fine with talking to them but I still didn’t initiate too many conversations. When I was seventeen, I began starting the conversations. That gave me a much needed boost of confidence and helped me feel comfortable talking to them. I found that it wasn’t as strange as I felt it would be and surprisingly, I was able to hold up my own in long conversations with them. I remember a friend of mine told me that he couldn’t talk to girls casually. His method was to talk to them just like he would speak to any guy. I suppose that’s a valid technique but you can’t talk to girls about all the things that you talk to guys about.

Even though talking became simple, I felt that any physical contact was still too weird. Even the slightest brush would make me recoil. I think that was the hardest thing for me to get over. It’s like touching a python (Sorry for the comparison. No offense intended). There’s the fear of being hurt even though that fear is completely unfounded. I felt touching a girl was like invading her personal space and just not the proper etiquette of a gentleman. Unfortunately, it turns out that I’m not much of a gentleman and even though I still restrained myself from any contact, the occasional brushes would still occur. Basically, that’s the development of my thought pattern concerning from start to present.

Even though, I held all these bizarre tenets, I never jumped to conclusions when I saw a guy talking to a girl. However, that’s not the point of view held by everyone. Every time, I mention that I’ve talked to a girl or have been spotted talking to girls, my friends have accused me of courting some special someone, despite my objections. I’m sure that more than half of my friends believe that I’ve had a girlfriend at one point or the other. I’m sure that a few of them are probably joking and believe me but it’s the remainder who get to me. Why can’t a guy talk to a girl without everyone else jumping to all these conclusions? Can’t a simple friendship exist between the two?

So many men believe that the only reason a guy would talk to a girl is for personal pleasure. I disagree. I’ve already mentioned what I find appealing about talking to girls. It’s sickening to think that males are so “tainted”, that they can’t look past superficial temptations and just focus on the personal side. A friend of mine frequently spots a girl that he finds very pretty and would love to get to know. However, he can’t work up the nerve to go talk to her. I admit that he could be unsure about how he should approach the girl and is possibly intimidated by her looks. Even then, the way he talks about girls, he seems so sure that it’ll be easy to get a girlfriend. Not only that, he appears to think that he’s too good for many girls. That’s not the right attitude I believe. He’s basing all this on just the girl’s looks and his own arrogance. I purposely say arrogance and not experience or confidence. If we let our pride choose a girl for us, we’re going to be single eternally. So many of us think the world of ourselves and think we’re too good for anyone. So even if the perfect person walks by, half of us won’t give him/her a second look. Until we’re rudely brought back down to earth, we’re never going to change our outlook.

I’ve always been in awe of girls and even though I’m better at talking to girls then my friend, I feel that I will have several problems in ever forming a relationship with a girl. I’ve tried not to judge girls on their looks and have been successful for the most part. This way, I feel that I’m more inclined to look at the persona behind the exterior and if I feel attracted, then I know I’ve met someone who I might form a bond with. The temptation will be there but I’m sure that I’ll overcome it since my belief that I should hold off all romance until completely independent, is something that I value a lot more. However, I trust that I’m on the right path by looking past the physical features. It’s my consideration that if I find the intangible part of a girl appealing, her inner magnificence will show externally too. So even if she isn’t an eyeful, I’ll still consider her the most beautiful person in the world.

I think this brings to an end a lengthy chapter authored by a man who is nothing more than a grouch.

Upon Further Contemplation

I don’t know how to begin. In the span of two to three hours, I understood that there was so much that I knew but did not understand. There were things that I knew would happen but was not prepared for.

I’ll start off with a memory. I was at an amusement park and about to conquer a ride that I was slightly in awe of. The ride was called the Space Shot. It was a hundred metre high square tower with four seats on each side. The ride itself consisted of shooting the apprehensive riders to the top of the tower in three seconds. After they reached the top, they had a second or two to catch their breath and admire the view. After that, they plummeted to the bottom. After a few shorter repetitions of the ride, the shaky riders were released from their constrictive seats to stagger off to their loved ones and tell them about their daring experience. This is a dramatic exaggeration of the episode. The first time on it was probably the most exhilarating. I knew what was going to happen but not having experienced it, I was a bit hesitant in letting those restraints strap me down to those seats. Of course, the ride is perfectly safe so I was in no danger so I wasn’t scared. However, I wasn’t sure that I needed to go through with it. I find this recollection amusing as I type it out. Anyhow, the ride was great. I was quite impressed with it. Seeing that there was no queue, I asked for another go. The second, third and fourth rides were still entertaining. On the fifth ride, I closely followed the ride attendant’s hand as he reached for the ignition button. I was completely ready for the sudden rush of being thrust up into the sky. However, the button was pressed and I was gone. I knew what was going to happen and how it was going to happen. Yet, I had the familiar feeling of surprise that I experienced on my first ride. There’s just no preparing for that ride. You’ll understand why I related this story later on… hopefully.

When I first penned the previous chapter, I felt that there was nothing offensive in the contents. On the contrary, after “Artsie” read through the chapter, he told me that I was too harsh and deserved to be punched out for it. His “review” of it made me anticipate my first meeting with “Hyper Dude” after he had read my chapter too. Otherwise, I didn’t think much of it.

Earlier yesterday, I was at the gym with “Artsie” when he mentioned that “Hyper Dude” had perused my previous chapter. However, I was more intent on getting through my exercise routine and getting downstairs to eat, so I didn’t pay much attention besides acknowledging the recent information. “Artsie” told me that he wanted to go eat at six o’ clock. He asked me whether “Hyper Dude” would join us. That’s when something interesting happened. “Hyper Dude” had been out the previous night and had gone to sleep around five in the morning. Thinking that he would be exhausted, I told “Artsie” that “Hyper Dude” would get up between a quarter past four and half-past. He would then proceed to take a shower, brush his teeth and spend approximately forty-five minutes on the internet checking his mail and communicating through MSN. He would then call around and gather the usual gang to go eat at half-past five. However, “Artsie” and I were in the gym and wouldn’t be there to answer the invite. After the two of us completed our non-sweat-breaking workouts, we headed upstairs at a quarter to six. I was in my room for five minutes when I got a call from “Artsie”. He informed me that “Hyper Dude” had left a message on his machine saying that he was going down to eat. The time at which the message was left was at half-past five. My first sentence went something along the lines of “Ha! I told you”. At the time, I wondered why “Hyper Dude” hadn’t left a message for me too. I dismissed the thought thinking that he may have called but didn’t bother leaving a message. Didn’t matter.

So I head down to the dining room hoping to catch “Hyper Dude” before he left. I bumped into him and “The Cheshire Cat” leaving the dining room. They weren’t interested in staying so I waited for “Artsie” to join me. The two of us ate and then headed up to Floor 11 where “Banana Man”, “The Cheshire Cat” and “Hyper Dude” resided. I went to “Banana Man” and “The Cheshire Cat’s” room while “Artsie” went off to “Hyper Dude’s” room. As it turned out, “The Cheshire Cat” and “Hyper Dude” had gone off to a nearby mall. “Artsie” popped by, not having found “Hyper Dude”. “Banana Man” was on his way to dine so we decided to join him. How can I pass up another meal? While we’re eating, the conversation turned to the short episode in the gym. I wondered whether it was pure luck or there was something to these “predictions”. So I told the others that I expected that “Hyper Dude” had tried the Halal food, didn’t like it and settled with pasta and a couple of slices of pizza. As for “The Cheshire Cat”, he would have passed up flank steak and gone with pasta only. The rest of the meal passed uneventfully though jovially. I headed up and spent a few hours messing around. I was to later find out that my guesses were dead-on except that “Hyper Dude” did not check his mail.

I got a call from “Hyper Dude” around eleven o’ clock. He wanted me to join him in his room. “Artsie” was already there. I went down and joined the two. The majority of the next hour was spent talking about music. There was only a fleeting reference to my chapter. As “Artsie” and I got up to leave, “Hyper Dude” asked me to stay a while and talk. I thought “Why not?” Whatever “Hyper Dude” and I talked about is between the two of us but it was very interesting. This brings me back to the story I started off with. I knew what was going to happen and I knew what the reaction would be. However, even though everything went as I expected them to, I was surprised.

“Hyper Dude” and I spent almost two hours after that talking. It wasn’t wholly serious. The last half of our talk was just like we used to talk before my chapter. When we would talk about everything and enjoy our conversations. When “Hyper Dude” got up and left for his room to slumber, I remember thinking about something he mentioned earlier. I had been mistaken. It was true that our friendship had stagnated. Our friendship had reached its peak. It couldn’t get any better than it was. I hadn’t realised that until we began to talk the way we used to.

Now this brings to mind my previous chapter. I wrote “When I think about the number of friends that I’ve made over the years, I’m hard-pressed to find a single one that I feel I still am as closely linked to”. When I think about it, I couldn’t have put “Sis” on it. I was trying to think of friends who I was still closely linked to. Since my friendship with “Sis” came to an end, I couldn’t be closely linked to her. So she shouldn’t be on the list. “Hyper Dude” was not on the list and I still do not think he should be on the list. That would be because my friendship with “Hyper Dude” got stronger and better over the past several months before ultimately “stagnating” as I so bluntly put it. We’ve spent so much time together that we’ve become synonymous. It’s not often that one is seen without the other. Like I mentioned before, I was mistaken in thinking that our friendship had stagnated in a bad way. In fact, I’m glad that our friendship had settled at the perfect point.

Well, that’s all I’ve got to say about the previous chapter as everything stands currently. Perhaps I was mistaken in airing out the dirty laundry but since it has been done, I’m going to make sure that I parade through the neighbourhood to let everyone understand that I do have some clean clothes too.

It sounds to me that I’m tripping over my own feet as I try to explain my previous chapter. I’m sure that’s how everyone else will feel including “Hyper Dude”. Not that I would or can blame anyone. I admitted that I didn’t look at the “stagnation” the right way, but that was after I talked to “Hyper Dude”. The fact that I did not realise it before the conversation is what really places my head on the guillotine. Actually, the fact that I didn’t realise it straight off the bat is what in my opinion makes the blade blunt. Whether that blade kills me or not isn’t the point. It’s the pain that comes with being hit with a falling blunt blade. If I survive, that pain serves to remind me that my thoughts placed my head on death’s table in the first place, but I was still lucky to walk away with just a bruise or deep wound. If I’m struck fatally wounded by the blunt blade, my last thoughts would probably be that I deserved the blunt blade for not covering all angles like I always say I do.

I offer no apologies yet I ask to be pardoned for my mistake.

Now, I’ll move on to other thoughts. Nothing significant comes to mind, so I’ll talk about some thoughts that I’ve had over the past week.

The first topic was about whether I would prefer life over physical and mental capabilities. As I stand now, I would choose death. This is not to say that those who have fought their handicaps and came out victorious were in the wrong. I think it’s up to the person.

I may have plenty to live for even if I lose my physical capabilities but that would not be what I would think about. I would consider myself a burden on those around me who will need to aid me. This falls back on one of my principles. I do not like to depend on others. So, one of two things will happen. Either, I’ll lose my nerve in the face of death and learn to rely on others, or I’ll stay true to my current principles and let the sun set on what I call “my life”.

If I lose my mind, I want to go on record as saying that I want to be put to sleep. I’m perfectly sane right now, so my words should stand. Once I’ve gone nuts or can’t think properly, I become incapable of serving society or God. That, in my mind, implies that my time is up.

The second topic does not come to my mind making me question the shallowness of my mind which is at a degree where I cannot keep track of two topics if I devote my concentration to one.

The display on my clock informs me that it’s a tad after five o’ clock in the morning. As I muse over the vast number of things that I feel I must complete later today, I’m forming the opinion that getting some shut-eye for eight hours would be a waste of time. So I’m planning on messing around for four to five hours after which I will settle down to complete all my tasks. However, the prospect of sleeping for four to five hours is also very appealing and seems to outweigh any other possibilities. My list of tasks is:

Work on website
Study for dynamics test
Do maths assignment perfectly
Spend time with visiting friend
Wake up for breakfast and try waffles.

Though these task appear like they won’t take much time and allow me the luxury of a good sleep, the breakfast in my residence is absolutely divine and worth losing sleep over. Anyhow, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll nap for five hours. The chances of me getting up at the designated time are slim but let’s live life on the edge, shall we? Jeez.

Friendship Under Scrutiny

I don’t ruminate freely. I hate sharing my thoughts. Even as I write this, I can sense all these feelings and thoughts swelling up inside me in an attempt to get out into the open. It’s almost a challenge to sort through them all and put only the desired ones within the grasp of others. I prefer to methodically go through these feelings myself and analyse them. To share feelings and thoughts is not enticing since there’s always the large possibility of it being negatively received by people. To illustrate: This chain of thought will stun some people who will then contemplate my friendship with them. Though they might have always known, they never realised it until I got them to take a good look at it. Others might read it and comprehend that I’m not on the same page as them whereas they were content believing that I was. It’s like stirring up a beehive. Sometimes, I feel that I hold back for the good of others. (“People who can hold their tongues rarely have any trouble holding their friends”). Of course, so many cynics will disagree with me. Apparently, they don’t believe in the idea of selfless acts. I’ve spent many an hour mulling over this and it was beyond my grasp to reach another reason that would explain half my actions.

I don’t know why I’m writing this out then. I guess it’s my way of venting a few pent up thoughts. Or perhaps I just want to give people the brief opportunity of understanding me. Doesn’t matter what the reason is.

"Hyper dude" wanted to mess around this past weekend. He seemed pretty disappointed that none of us were interested. So he goes off and makes his own plans for the weekend. Comes back the next day (after being gone all day), emphatically calls us “fools” and then tries again to make plans with us. Once again, he is shot down. Why would we want to go out and end up doing nothing worthwhile? Sorry “Hyper dude” but your excursions don’t seem rather appealing to me. I preferred to stay home and play Generals on the LAN. “Hyper dude” seems to be getting desperate (or pissed off). He makes more plans for himself. On his return to the residence, he pays me a visit and asks if I'm up for sushi. I don't think so. Upon finding out that I was planning on chilling with the people on my floor, he proceeds to make some lewd innuendos and then storms out of my room angrily muttering to himself. It was a hilarious sight.

So what’s the point of my little story? To put it simply, maintaining friendships is no easy task. What I’m attempting to explain is that any friendship needs work to keep it from breaking down. So often, we take our friendships for granted and never envisage ourselves being one of the involuntary participants involved in the decomposition of our camaraderie. “Hyper dude” wanted to spend some times with his friends (or so I think. He might just have been looking to enjoy his weekend) but he kept getting pushed away. All of us spent our weekend together but he wasn’t there a single time except at a few meal times. I’ve known “Hyper dude” for almost six years now and we’ve been through a heck of a lot together involving travelling to Canada together and then living in the same residence on top of that.

If any reader gets the impression that I myself have the inclination of ending a friendship soon, then it’s just miscomprehension.

After graduation, you have e-mails being exchanged and promises to remain in touch are made in the hope of meeting each other again. It’s different studying in the Middle East. Everyone hopes to be admitted to a university in North America, so the chances of our meeting each other are slim. Sure, the occasional meetings are set up but eventually all contact with each other diminishes. Since graduation, I’ve barely talked to any graduate. It’s as if there’s nothing to talk about even though there are plenty of topics. We revel in telling interesting stories to each other in person, but when it’s over the net, it just doesn’t seem to be appealing. So, whenever one chat buddy asks the other “What’s up?” (Or something to the effect) the other chat buddy simply replies “Nothing.” I’m living with “Hyper dude” and if all plays out the way I’m certain they shall, we’ll be living or at least seeing a lot of each other for another four years. However, there has hardly been a single time that we’ve been at a loss for topics to converse about. When you’re talking to someone in person, every topic becomes interesting and you talk about anything and everything. The personal touch is lost when people go their own ways.

When I think about the number of friends that I’ve made over the years, I’m hard-pressed to find a single one that I feel I still am as closely linked to. I have a friend “Pikloo” in the University of British Columbia with whom I feel that not even time can touch our friendship. I don’t know whether he has the same impression but I owe him a significantly large debt of gratitude that I’m yet to express and I found that his assisting me formed a connection that is not easily broken. I always took his friendship for granted for I just feel that it is not going to end. It’s rare that I’ve connected to anyone and for me to have formed a friendship that I cherish is something that has me confused. Even as I write this, I look back and wonder whether there is a similar friendship that may have sprung up in my life.

The first person who comes to mind is none other than a guy who I’ve been friends with for over twelve years. Let’s call him “Artsie”. There was a six year gap where we went our own ways and as expected, our friendship waned. Contact with each other decreased and it was only the prospect of meeting up again in university that rekindled the old friendship. However, I feel that I’ve changed so much since then that my sense of fun is no longer the same as his and that has adversely affected our friendship. Now I see him being better friends with "Hyper dude"”. That brings another point to mind that I’ll address shortly.

To continue thinking of more people, I can think of only two others. The first is “Bundar” who has several similar interests as me and that helped us get along famously.

I always considered myself as having characteristics so diverse that I could be friends with anyone. However, it’s so uncommon to make friends with someone who is interested in the same things that I am. Normally I’m interested in the same things that others are. These sentences maybe perplexing so to put them in another way, I find that I need to involve myself with their fascinations. I believe it’s because I do not prefer to talk about myself and instead tend to focus on them. It was an unexpected yet delightful occasion to meet someone like Bundar.

The other person who came to mind is “Sis”. I don’t know how strong my friendship was with Sis. I do know that I’m grateful to her too since she really broadened my narrow horizons. I understood so much and I think I found out so much about myself too. It’s with regret that I think that I never managed to help her likewise. Contrary to my friendship with Pikloo, I always knew that sooner or later Sis and I would part ways. According to Pubilus Syrus, “The friendship that can come to an end, never really began.” Ironically, this quote was in a book of friendship that she gave me. I struggled quite voraciously to keep the friendship going but it was inevitable. Even though I knew when the separation began, I found the separation itself surprising. I didn’t think it would end as abruptly as it did. Dwelling on it, I think that it’s not just the friendship that I miss. It’s her as well. However, I once again looked to my logical mind for guidance. Logic dictates that missing someone is not rational. It just distracts the person and doesn’t help in any way. So, I continue.

What surprises me is that "Hyper dude” is not on the list. Well, it’s not surprising when I think about it but I took it for granted that he would “grace” the list since I’ve known him so well for so long. I just felt that there wasn’t anything in common between the two of us and that never really allowed me to form a friendship with him that I would consider eternal. I can safely say that I expect it to last for several years but I do know that it’ll never progress past the point on which it’s stagnated currently. I would chalk this up as my fault since I believe that over the years I've become more remote and distant with all my friends. It’s nothing that I regret.

Just by reading over this, I get the impression that I only form close friendships when I owe the person for helping me along in life when I felt excitement and motivation had abated. Every new day would bring the same sights to my eyes and I felt my life had set into ruts. It was these people who helped me shed those ruts and make my own path, I suppose.

To get back to the point I mentioned earlier. The concept of being best friends is something that though I’m personally familiar with, I do not understand wholly. However, an idea that occurred to me (though I’m not sure if it’s valid at all) is that considering someone your best friend is a way of distancing yourself from the other friends. Almost like racism in a way. I don’t think I’ve had a best friend since I entered my teens. I just had a large group of friends who I treated the same. I never felt that I should spend more of my time with a specific friend in the hope of establishing a “best friend link”. So, for those of my friends who think that they mean nothing to me just because I didn’t mention them here “I no doubt deserve my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends”. Anyhow, you should be grateful in a way that I didn't mention you. It seems I’m writing all this to lose my friends.

I still feel that I haven’t accomplished anything besides organising my thoughts. I think I need to muse over whatever I’ve said to extract a reason for thinking all of this. Ha! I feel like Yoda. His response to every deep topic was “Meditate over this, I shall!”

I’ve thrown in all those friendship quotes for no apparent reason. Perhaps it was an effort to show that I’m not alone in my way of thinking.

I’ve been accused of being ruthless. I would prefer to qualify that remark. Ruthless I may be, but I’m still curious. I would be ruthless because I just don’t care about so many things. I don’t care to make small talk with people. My desire is to have conversations where I can come out having heard something worth knowing. However, I’ll be the first one to step up and say that idle chatter is essential to maintaining friendships. However, my lack of concern for small talk makes me ruthless I suppose. Besides that, I’m also unemotional and have no patience for people who fall victim to my sharp tongue. So I won’t deny that I can be classified ruthless.

My curiosity still plays a large role though. I may not be curious about the little things that people do, but I’m curious about the people themselves. I analyse everyone in the attempt to understand them better. I don’t know what I stand to gain from that. By knowing someone, it becomes easier to predict their actions. I’m no fan of unpleasant surprises and I guess this is my countermeasure.

Where I started out in an attempt to try my hand at expressing my thoughts where I was just going to jib “Hyper dude”, I’ve managed to develop a few pages of intense philosophy which eventually morphed into me talking about myself.

A conversation with “Hyper dude” that initiated while I was typing this out was about his blog. He likes blogging because it gives him the chance to get everything out in the open and finally express what’s been on his mind. It’s like that Pensieve that Albus Dumbledore has. One can finally collect one’s thoughts and piece them together when one feels that the brain can hold no more. I, on the other hand, feel everything should be kept in my mind. That way, I can pick them apart and analyse them to allow me to fully appreciate what they denote. Only then, I can express them since I’m aware that I’ve looked at them from every angle and am confident of what I say. So no matter how much information I seem to be giving out, the receptor only grasps what I want them to know.

What a waste of two hours. I could have slept these hours away blissfully ignorant of these unanswered topics until another moment triggers their release into my conscious mind. Then I would have been inclined to sift through them at my own leisure, in my own mind. “However, what happened happened for a reason and wouldn’t have happened any other way.” (I might as well throw in a line from The Matrix too). It’s not fate. There’s no such thing. I don’t live for the moment or let chance dictate my life. I make my own moments.