Greatness

Some things have drifted in and out of my mind but I didn’t feel the need to jot them down. However, from lack of better things to do – such as watching a plant grow – I decided that I might as well write something.

I guess I was naïve in my thinking about what friendships are. I never knew that to survive and flourish, each person has got to have something to offer. I wasn’t aware that friendships had become so selfish in nature. From a rational point of view, if something does not have a purpose or benefit, it should not be indulged in. In no way can I say that friendships and family do not have benefits.

I consider myself lucky enough to have many friends. I admit that I avoid selecting best friends but I have what I consider an elite group of friends followed by the good friends and then basically, everyone else falls into the miscellaneous category.

However, let me see what it is that I have to offer.

- I’m not a talkative person in most scenarios so it’s definitely not my conversing skills.
- I do sometimes go out of my way for someone else but I guess that’s become fairly rare so I’ll discount that.
- I can’t really call myself funny. Sure I love to make people laugh but it’s normally at the expense of someone. I guess that just makes me cruel.
- I’m not sincere. Plenty of occasions where I should have been a bigger man.
- I’m not a source of comfort or support since I have neither the patience (anymore) nor the words.
- It’s not intellect since university has proved that I don’t have the smarts anymore.

So, doesn’t look I have much to offer but this was all from my own belittling point of view. From what others said:

- I am the living proof that simplicity and goodness still exist in the world
- I have a good hold of my moral values
- A really good listener

But…

- As much as I wish I led a simple life, I feel that complications run amok. I’m certainly not the epitome of goodness. I won’t even bother explaining why.
- I’ve slipped on my moral values more than enough times or perhaps in terms of severity too.
- I’ve just lost all patience so I can’t say I’m a good listener either.

So, that resolves it. There’s nothing that I have to offer. So, either people are my friends because they’ve found a way to extract some use of me or they are friends because they have no choice.

Or… that theory about friendships only surviving when both parties have something to offer is straight from the cow’s arse.

When I was growing up, I loved knights. They were everything I wanted to be. They were courteous, polite, distinguished and commanding. They oozed respect and everything from their poise to their speech had style. When talking to the ladies, they would be gentlemanly no matter how abrasive the woman could have been.

I find it a real shame that I’ve failed in adapting their style. I suppose if I had lived back in that day and age, I would have been nothing more than a serf or messenger boy – You know the type: The ones who get flogged, imprisoned and beheaded. I don’t even know where to begin when explaining why I’m nothing like those knights. I am simply nothing like what they were.

Accept who I am? Acceptance without contentment leads to stagnation. Rejection leads to improvement and resolve.

So it’s agreed that I’m in no way a great man. Now, let me spout out purely personal opinions. I don’t wish to hear any arguments. Just like so many other children who think the same about their fathers, I think that my dad’s a great man. I can’t say that he’s the greatest man I’ve ever personally known because I feel that title belongs to his father.

I’ve met so many people who have said so many wonderful things about my dad. No one’s making them tell me. No one’s going to know that they told me. Yet, they all wanted me to know how much they respect my dad and how much their lives have changed for the better after my dad helped them. According to them, my dad was a relentless man in achieving his goals and so often, his goals were for the good of others. Whether they were aims to help a fellow person get a job or to give that struggling contender the motivation and push required, my dad did just that.

My goal in life was to reach people on a huge scale and help improve their lives. I wanted to make a change for the better in the world. I have that desire and I don’t know how yet, but I will try to make that come true. However, it makes me smile to know that even if I don’t manage to take that leap, my father’s already taken a step towards it. He’s already improved the lives of so many that he’s met.

I have a vision of my working life. I suppose in a small way, knowing where you want to end up will help you work towards it. If you can’t visualise it, you don’t really know what you want.

I see myself living in the city’s downtown. I have a condo in a high-rise building on one of the higher floors. It basically looks like the apartments that you see of the single bachelors’. It’s modestly decorated with wood being the dominating surface. Wooden floors with the occasional rug, a small lounge for entertaining guests and a large kitchen and bedroom. Hmm, I think I’ll draw it out.

As you can see, there is a lot of empty space. It’s to represent the freedom and choice that I cherish so much. The freedom to move without obstacles barring the way and the choice of walking anywhere easily. I really love the large open space once a person enters. The sheer number of things that can be done with that space is pleasing to wonder about. The simplicity of the furniture is a nice touch in my mind.

I just realised. That all these can be related to the attributes of the knights that I was talking about. There’s freedom and choice, there’s simplicity yet there’s a magnificent or commanding aura.

I see myself in an office that has plenty of room to walk around in. My oak desk is parallel to beautiful wall-to-wall windows. I have a nice view of the city, perhaps a bridge spanning clear blue water. I have a job that may not pay much but it’s something I enjoy doing and it’s something where I get to interact with plenty of people. I would not be able to deal with a job that provides no variety.

I drive a nice car. Not in the sense that it’s expensive and looks great. It’s nice as in it’s what I would want and it’s different than what people tend to go for.

Now spare me, for I shall refer to all people as “he”s.

Ironically, having said all that, I want to next talk about role-playing. I’m sick of it. I hate thinking about living a life that I’m not actually living. There’s really no point to thinking about a life that I may or may not go through in the future. How about I just focus on what is and enjoy that? I don’t remember who said it or the exact quote but there was a saying that a person who lives in the future misses his present. It was either “misses” or “hates”.

I’m tired of role-playing through my current life. It’s confusing. I don’t quite know whether I’m role-playing anymore or not. On one hand, I continue to act as I do. On the other hand, my mind often tells me to do otherwise.

I’m tired of people thinking that I’m smart simply because I seem to know what goes on or based on past luck. I’m tired of people expecting me to be nice because that’s all I can be. I’m just tired of people expecting anything of me. Simply because when I can't live up to their expectations, I have to listen to them repeat what is expected.

When one thinks about his past, it is easier to remember the happier moments than the dull ones. If I think back over the time that I’ve been here at this university, I’d say that I’ve got a lot of happy memories. There is a sprinkle of regret and sadness but those thoughts only arise when I focus on them.

So… if someone was to ask me whether I enjoy being at university, I’d answer “Yes!”, right? No. Because despite all the happiness and despite how thankful I am that I’ve been given the chance to get a good education, I hate the fact that I failed what I came here to do.

When I think about it, I’ve had a non-existent social life for the past two years. I just didn’t have the time. That’s an acceptable “loss” though, since I’m not here to socialise. Yet, I feel so restless sometimes when I’m tired of sitting at home. Then what? I have nothing that I can do.

It’s why I miss living on campus. If there was any citywide event, it was near my residence. If there were any plans to enjoy ourselves, we were all nearby and could meet up. Almost always, there was the option of having fun. I may not have had a social life last year either, but when I wished to, I could have fun in small doses as time allowed. No extra effort was needed. This year, just for one simple dinner with my friends, two weeks of planning were required.

The day I finished my exams, I walked a friend to Chestnut. I had no intention of staying but once there, I decided to pay a friend a visit. I ended up staying there for 4 – 5 hours, approximately. And I had a great time. I was with the two friends who I see the most often on campus but this time, it was all fun.

Since then, I’ve sat at home and for the sake of passing time, I’ve done chores. Mindless time-consuming chores. I suffer from what I like to call “The Engineering Syndrome”. It was bred into me while in high-school but it went dormant during vacations. Here, it strikes hardest during vacations.

What is it? It’s basically when my mind can’t shut down. It’s when I can’t sit around and enjoy my free time because I wonder what work I could be doing instead and how I could do it. If I don’t have work to do, I try and find it. I need to be productive. Productive being that I produce a noticeable change.

My sleep is lighter than ever. There was a time that I had control over my dreams but I lost that. However, I still sleep so lightly that while I dream, any oddity makes me aware that it’s only a dream and I wake myself up. Also, I’m always sensitive to changes around me. I wake up at the sounds of the street below, the sun shining into my room and the movement of my brother.

Not to mention that my sleep is still restless. I wake up several times during the night. I look at the clock constantly and alarms are merely a precaution now since I know that I’ll be up before it rings.

Ha! Really looks like I’m starting to break down and eventually snap. Nah, that won’t happen. It goes against the effects of TES. If I break down, then I definitely won’t be able to be productive. So, my mind won’t allow that to happen.

I think what I’m really tired of is the lack of activities. To be an engineer, your life has to be in a strict routine. Deviances are annoyances and must be compensated for immediately. This is all well and good while the semester is on. However, once vacations start, the huge period of time that is now unused leaves an emptiness. So I thought about what I wanted to do. Nothing!

When I think about it, there’s nothing left that I can think of that I’d ever really want to do. Thankfully, I’ve experienced more in my lifetime than most people do in theirs. There are small things that I’d like to experience but they are merely temporary means of enjoyment.

I want to go to Australia and see the Outback. I want to go to New Zealand and see the prairies. I want to go to Hawaii or Bali and see what the fuss is about. I want to go to the Arctic and see the Aurora. I want to go scuba diving. I wish to hang-glide. Sky-diving was a thrill that I can’t forget simply because of the one minute of free fall I had. I wish to jet-ski and go-kart. I’d really love to go exploring space. Given the chance, I’d go up into space for however long is required to observe nature at it’s purest. Completely untouched by humans.

I guess that means my life is complete. Now that there is nothing more that I’d want for myself, I should be able to put my own selfish desires aside and focus on what we’re really supposed to do. Help.

I think I need to get my hands on a few of Dr. David Hawkins’ books. There could be so much in them that can provide me the guidance to advance from my current state. To understand how to focus on the desire to help and forget the personal needs. To integrate with simplicity and solve with precision and rationality. I have to say that “Banana Man” (I always forget what I changed his pseudonym to) has changed over the time that I’ve know him as he’s read the material. He’s overcome so many negative human traits.

I can’t properly express what I feel they can do. What I really hope is that they make people put aside their personal needs and their selfish goals to work for the greater good. What I hope is that they help people build focus and intent. Free from the complications that arise from our negative traits.

Music’s been a soulful outlet these days. Random songs that I normally don’t find meaningful can speak out to my moods and nurture them to provide that state of bliss. The relaxed feeling when little is of consequence and sitting back with your feet up seems to be the ideal scenario. The only problem is that they rarely last for more than 5 minutes.

So, that’s my rant.