Unleashed Insight
So apparently, I have some fans. Not of the site but of how I am as a person. That’s nice to know seeing how not too long ago, I was described as being “Lying, Conniving, Deceitful, Apathetic, Boorish, Hurtful, Manipulative, Sick and Twisted”.It’s easy to find fault with other things. For most of us, when we experience something that went well, we might have no complaints but we probably won’t sing any praises. However, if anything goes wrong, then the comments fly. It’s as if people only seem to notice when things go wrong. Anything, that went well is to be expected as part of our Status Quo.
When the New Year was being ushered in, I had an idea for what to write about. I figured that in the spirit of things, I’d write about my thoughts on the year that had passed. Yet, days went by and no posts went up. I even tried to write something in the middle but it didn’t have my usual style of writing. Needless to say, I was fairly disappointed with it so I ditched it. Even now, I don’t feel like anything I’m writing is up to scratch.
Not that I don’t have good things to say about 2006. On the contrary, I’d say it was my best year ever. I was able to hang out with my friends a lot more than I usually do. I finally found some sort of balance between my social life and my academic life with no conflicts. I managed to experience so many new things for the first time. 2006 was ushered in with a new experience and it left similarly with a bang. Best of all, I managed to start doing things that really made me happy.
I believe that I might be in the typical stage of “I Am Indestructible”. It’s quite common to find that amongst people my age. I don’t seem to fear anything and I’ll step up to try anything. For the longest time, I felt it was my confidence that made me feel that I could do what I wanted to do. With my life organised, I could start exploring new realms. Compare jumping off liquid water to jumping off solid ground. Until there’s stable ground, it’s not easy to let your attention turn elsewhere. Indeed, I do feel as if I’m exuding confidence. Everything’s going well and with just a couple of pressing matters to attend to, I feel as if life’s going well.
Of course, pride comes before a fall. Or, it’s the calm before a storm. Whatever it might be, I’m not questioning it. A friend of mine told me that he tends to look ahead quite a lot. I told him that although he wasn’t in the wrong, he should be careful not to end up living in the future. As for me, I’d like to think that I’ve set up a good balance. I’ve looked far enough ahead to plan accordingly but I devote the rest of my time to living in the here and now. I’ve been enjoying how things have been going for me recently and that means that I’m not going to worry about whether it’s short-lived or not. I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts and not take it for granted.
The friend I just mentioned above – I’m yet to give him a nickname since I haven’t really mentioned him before. Yet, our conversations often bring up scenarios where we discuss human behaviour. It’s a topic that intrigues me greatly and without his feedback, I probably wouldn’t be able to methodically lay out my perceptions of people. He says that I provide him with great deal of insight (or amusement) and help him understand how people react. So taking that into account along with the fact that he’s a Star Wars fan, I’ll dub him Padawan. Of course, if he dislikes that, I could call him Chewie or Skywalker.
Although I haven’t brought up his conversations so far, I’ll start now since there have been several interesting topics that we’ve covered. For the most part, I’ll just talk about my take on the issue.
An initial one that we started upon was the friendships formed in university. For the most part, we agreed that although we had made plenty of friends during our classes, hardly anyone became the sort of friend that we could talk to beyond anything that could be classified as “small talk”. In his words, “we were always together and didn’t really have anything in common. It felt constraining.” Also, the formation of cliques tends to limit the amount of contact with outsiders.
We both agreed on something: that friendship should not require any effort. I’m forever hearing arguments to the contrary but I’m yet to find any of them even remotely convincing. Most of us aren’t looking for friends so we’re not really putting in any effort to meet new people. Yet, we still end up making new friends. There was no effort put in there. So, why should it be any harder to keep friendships going? If both participants want to remain friends, they’ll find time to talk to each other and resolve any issues without huge spectacles.
With my life passing as it is, I find myself spending less and less time sitting on the computer. Instead, I’m always trying to get out there and either enjoy myself or experience something new. Of course, that’s only if I’m not caught up in my studies. This style of living comes with some negatives. It’s the way of life, it seems; that when you step up the pace, you leave some people behind. I picked up the pace at which I was living my life by trying to get the most out of each day. It didn’t mean that I was always out there living life to the fullest but it meant that I was out there doing whatever made me laugh and kept me happy. I just didn’t care to be sitting at home and finding myself with naught to do.
So as I said, people get left behind. For the most part, I’ve shielded my friends from the change. I plan around them and manage to spend my days with them as leisurely as I used to. Yet, with some other people, it just wasn’t that easy and in the end, contact with them dropped rapidly. No conversation that really goes anywhere.
Another topic that the young Padawan and I talked about was relationships. As is the case with most single guys, the topic does come up quite often. Yet, as far as I could tell, it wasn’t that either of us was pining to be in a relationship but that we weren’t against the idea. He mentioned that he had met a girl but figured that she was out of his league because she was quite pretty.
I don’t like the concept of all these leagues. In the quest to categorise people, we occasionally overlook certain traits. People have dynamic personalities and it’s just too hard to clearly classify someone. So, for each potential personality combination, a new “league” has to be formed. In the end, the chances of finding someone in your league are low. So don’t let leagues deter you. If you fancy a try, go for it. Put aside the fear of rejection. When you’ve mentally pictured being rejected, then you’ve made a large assumption on the behalf of someone who you don’t even know!
What I found interesting was that he described me as being “warmer” than most people. He had no doubts that I had a romantic side but he wondered whether I’d shirk my tendency to humour when taking my romantic side for a walk. My answer to that was that there was no chance. I refuse to give up the chance to get a good chuckle. Eventually, the girl might forgive me (although, girls harbour grudges so she’d never forget) but that one moment where I could have cracked the joke just won’t come back. No girl is worth losing a smile over.
Last year, there was a girl who seemed to show an interest in me. She’s a very nice girl with a naïve and innocent air about her. Yet, what I found severely lacking was a sense of humour. I just had no interest in even considering any other aspect of her personality and see her as a potential girlfriend. Then again, I’m approaching a year since I found myself cleansed of any such attractions. To return to the point… a girl with no sense of humour has absolutely nothing to offer me. If I was to use a weight system, all the other traits together couldn’t offset the fact that she was dull! My apologies for being harsh.
During one moment in a quick repartee between us, I came up with a quote that went over well with him so I’ll put it up here: There’s no “I” in “team” but there is in “dictator”! It’s certainly not infrequent that we end up jousting with our words especially when it comes to greeting each other with a new nickname and validating it. Upon being dubbed Plato by him once, I returned the favour by calling him Aphrodite! He feigned offence at being called a women but I backed that up by stating that I had made him the one thing that all men want. I don’t think that appeased him. I believe I’ve also stated that I wasn’t surprised people had called him Stewie since I could see the semblance when it came to questioning their orientation.
We’ve even spent a few hours going over what a girl wants. Unsurprisingly, most girls don’t know what they want down to the last detail but there are general criteria that they are usually unanimous on. So, with some small-scale sampling, we figured out what girls want in a guy.
Remembering all the different conversations I’ve had with Padawan, I see that he’s one of those few people who can compliment others on their positives. However, he believes that he’s more likely to say something nice behind someone’s back than to their face. Often, he’s mentioned me as a source of perspective and wisdom. It is refreshing meeting people who will compliment someone on just being them rather than waiting for a more lavish display of positivism. Indeed, recently, I’ve found myself in a thankful mood for all the people around me and especially my family.
I believe our final conversation was on me as a person. I was telling him about the moment when I was called all those names that I started off this entry with. He asked simple questions that evoked deep answers. It was a good session for me because I learnt a lot during that time while unloading my thoughts on him. He was able to get sufficient details on any of my statements to portray a complete picture.
Initially, he was surprised to hear about this other side of me. In fact, most people are. Those who interact with me in person, usually have the opinion that I’m mild-mannered, quiet and certainly not prone to getting angry or upset. As Artsie said not too long ago, I have no feelings. Of course, that was an overstatement.
When in an argument, I don’t show any signs of caring or even being interested in the argument. For all intents and purposes, the other people get the impression that I’m mocking them by not getting worked up when in reality, I just find that getting excited doesn’t help my case. Indeed, in most arguments, my main method of debating is not arguing itself but answering the person’s demands on my own terms. When people are angry, their aggression tends to dictate the terms of the conversation. They demand instant resolution of their issues. That doesn’t work with me. I control the pace of the conversation and I’ll even talk off-topic. Now, these aren’t my battle plans or tactics. It’s just how I am. I just don’t like getting worked up in arguments and I don’t respond well to demands or threats. Most of the time, the threats are empty so I tend to call their bluff.
The usual result of these arguments is the other party apologising. It’s not really a resolution of the argument but it ends the issue. Padawan asked me whether I had no fear of antagonising other people and if I welcomed it. I think I do invite it. Somewhere in the course of that discussion, I called myself an agent of Karma, Karma’s Fists if you will. If people do something inanely stupid, I’ll call them on it. Although it does tend to make me come off as being too opinionated (which I do think I am), I believe that if I’m right on some issue, I’ll vocalise it.
Initially, I disliked opening up to people because one thing that I wanted to avoid was sharing something really important to me and having the person say “That’s it?”. Again, this is something that even I do often too. It wasn’t the primary reason for me not opening up. I just didn’t feel like I was holding back on anything. Eventually, I did start to open up, according to others. Of course, people almost always want more than they’re getting. So, it wasn’t good enough and when I shut them out again, then they realised what they had achieved and subsequently lost. Starting off from square one again is hardly desirable.
When all is right for the couples in the world, then where does that leave me? I’m certainly happy seeing all these different relationships flourishing around me especially the ones that have sprung up before my very eyes over the last four years. In fact… it’s an entirely different topic but it certainly doesn’t feel like I’m nearing the end of my four years here at university. Time has flown too fast - too fast for me to have enjoyed it properly. I’m not going to get those days back. I definitely know that I’ve lived life properly in that time but I could have lived it better had I planned properly. However, I can’t get those years back. It’s the sad truth.
What gets to me is seeing all these famous people who are younger than me. Now, it’s not that I’m jealous. I admire them for having become well-known and successful so early in their lives. I only wish that I could have done the same. My ultimate goal is to be famous too. Being rich or so doesn’t matter. I don’t need fame. I’d just like to be the guy that everyone knows. I suppose it could be considered an insecurity of mine wishing that people knew me so that I felt as if I fitted in with them. I don’t know the real reason. Fact of the matter is that although celebrities and athletes may be younger than me, it’s not their sort of fame that I’m looking for. I’m looking for the sort of fame that would come from helping people out or having done something noteworthy. So, occasionally, I do feel like I might have missed out on something that prevented me from gaining this sort of success. I would like to be able to walk down the street and have people recognise me. Not be in awe of me or anything because I’m just looking to be the guy that everyone knows.
It used to be a childhood goal of mine. Something that I thought I’d grow out of. Yet, I’m still hoping that I can have a positive impact on the world somehow. I seem to recall having talked about this before. Mentioning that a friend had said it’s not wrong to live our lives looking out for ourselves. Yet, if I can get even one country to make my name a household utterance, then I’ll feel content enough to know I made a difference. Perhaps it’s just a pinch of nobility still left in me from my upbringing that corruption is yet to touch. Perhaps it’s just my vanity.
To go back to relationships, I’m still hit by the occasional desire to find someone. Yet, other than those feelings, there’s no backing to go ahead. Yes, some people can argue that those feelings are enough to outweigh everything else but not for me. Plus, the keyword is occasional. It’s truly fickle if I’m just with someone to satiate those infrequent wishes for company. Relationships are reputed to require a lot of work. Work that I’d tend to pass over in the pursuit of new experiences. Although I’d like to be able to share those experiences with someone or spend some leisure time sitting around with someone in parks or roaming malls, I think these are only attempts to stave off the occasional bouts of loneliness. There doesn’t seem to be any wish to show commitment but perhaps just a selfish drive to show that there’s a softer side of me.Reading that, it certainly sounds like I want to be in a relationship and that I don’t want to be alone anymore. And perhaps I’m even making up excuses for what I know will be a deficiency in finding a nice girl for myself. Yet, I strongly believe that I don’t need that. I have my friends to give me all the company I need.
My Sociology course showed a couple of films on how gender roles are defined by the general public. Men should be tough, independent, strong, etc. etc. The film went on to talk about how men should really be. Yes, for many people, the male is the source of strength and a stable comfort. Yet, men should be fine with showing emotions and letting people see a tender side of them. I’m all for that. I think the film ignored the advantages of men playing out their current roles and tended to focus only on the negatives of it but it certainly supported my own opinion that men shouldn’t be over-masculine. Despite what we were told at the start of the course, I’ve found Sociology to be unequivocally biased. There are no attempts to rationalise either side of an issue. The course takes a side and it provides a one-sided story.Back in my second year, I met a friend who eventually confided in me that she had found me to be a strong comfort after having faced so many issues. She said that with so many things going wrong for her, I helped somehow. Sadly, by the end of the year, I lost all contact with her. It has picked at me since then because I just feel like things fell apart and I can see all the instances where I’m to blame. Since I’ve been here, I’ve helped out so many people in their times of needs and I have no regrets about any of that. It’s the ones I haven’t been able to help or the ones who I’ve let down that get to me.
In Scrubs, J.D. told Dr. Cox, “I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after twenty years of being a doctor... when things go badly you still take it this hard.”
My version: I guess after all this time, I still need a superhero that will help me out of any situation I’m in. I need that. But that’s my problem and I’ll deal with that. I’ve needed a superhero for the longest time. Excluding my family, I can’t say I’ve found someone who I could say would be there for me whenever I fall. I want to make sure that I’m always able to pick myself up and because of that, I want to keep myself strong and deal with any issues on my own.
After twenty years, when things go bad, I still take it this hard. When I can’t help someone out, it’s my shortcoming. Yes, it’s selfish of me to make it about myself when someone else is in trouble but when people come to me for help, I want to make sure that they get what they need. Failure has always been an issue for me and when it comes to the happiness of others, it gets to me if I can’t do anything. I just don’t like to give up on anything even if it’s not my problem. I could psychoanalyse myself and say that perhaps my fear of not being able to help others translates to my not being able to help myself in some similar situation. I could even say that my fears extend to not having a safety net to help me when I have my problems. Yet, I don’t believe that. I just want to help people.
My goal in life is to gain distinction in life so that people know who I am. I’ll just need to find out what makes me different from every other individual in the world in such a way that people are willing to give me more of their time.
Emperor asked why I now require other people to legitimate my value when I used to talk about living my life on my terms.
In groups of friends, there is usually a focus point – someone who is the life of the group. I couldn’t claim to be that someone. I did at one point consider myself to be the liaison of the group. The sort of person that any subgroup would accept as one of their own. Potentially the backbone or binding force for the group. Yet, this system of assigning roles to the group is irrelevant since what matters is that we all get along really well with each other regardless of my presence.
When it comes to validating my worth, my self-evaluation is obviously flawed. Yet, why even try to figure out my value? Like Emperor said – “Do what you want to do, and everything will be fine.” He’s right, of course. For so long, Emperor had been the hero I mentioned above. He might not be fully at ease with that comment but as I’ve mentioned before, he’s the benchmark to what I compare myself to. His extensive company over the last few years has been more than anyone else’s for as long as I can remember. His importance to me as a friend ranks highly and it’s not just because I’ve spent so much time with him but because I’ve been able to spend so much time with him.
I don’t spend my life planning for everything and working with a clear idea of what I want. Certainly, I don’t know how I’d react to all different scenarios or even what I truly want. When something comes to my mind, I write it out without wondering about how I might be contradicting the image that I put out.
Simple truth of the matter is that when people are important to me, their opinions matter to me. Whether or not my actions change based on those opinions is a different thing altogether. I’m always going to listen to my closest friends and family when they comment on my life. I’d want to know whether or not they approve of what I do or not because I want to know if I have their support.
When I talk about my grand plans of making a difference in the world, I know that I can’t do that if people don’t support me. My actions have to account for what they want. My personal life is still mine to rule as I wish but if I want to help others, then I need to listen to them. I guess I could say that my goals have aligned with theirs with respect to this topic. And yes, I consider myself different from the rest of society so they remain “them”.
It’s so easy to come up with reasons to defend yourself yet it’s so hard to find the right one. There are just so many fabricated excuses that loom up. I have no idea why I subconsciously generate a shadow around my true intentions. I have nothing to hide because I’m not on trial. I’m sharing my thoughts with people and their feedback (relevant ones, that is) is insightful. Usually, these fake excuses are peppered with noble traits and characteristics. Something to make me look good in their eyes. Yet, that defeats the purpose of my blog so the truth does prevail. When I started this blog, I had written a short blurb saying “I’m not writing all this to make friends. If you have a problem with my words, then come find me.” That still holds.
