Confidence & Counselling

I wanted to expand on the counselling portion of my previous post. I spent some time observing the manner in which people converse and very subtle nuances become apparent. It’s the manner in which people express themselves.

Confidence is a wonderful thing to possess. It draws people to you. If you’re confident, people will believe in you, trust in you. It goes beyond that though. You begin to realise how you yourself change. Less time is spent worrying about what could happen and more time actually doing things. You believe that there’ll be a positive result, that you’ll succeed and as a result, you act quicker. Confidence helps people stop being and start living. Whether your goal is to improve your own life or the lives of others, confidence is a valuable quality to command.

I could go on about how I feel confidence helps one improve his or her own life but for those of you who have been following my posts for all these years, you’ll know that I’m always more concerned with helping others.

When one is confident, a key characteristic is that the person is more willing to make a bold claim. You’re no longer held back by the fear that people will respond negatively to your claim. Quite often, I find people believe in something but they won’t publicise it since they don’t want to offend some people. I can accept that some people don’t publicise everything because they don’t want to hurt others or rub people the wrong way but many times, I’ve come across people who don’t want to claim something because they don’t want others attacking their claim and in a sense, challenging their credibility.

Believing in something is like an artist buying art supplies. It’s a start and sets the stage but only a painting will allow the artist to express himself. I am all for people believing in something and wanting to keep it to themselves. However, if you want others to agree with you then confidence will help. Charisma doesn’t hurt either.

It’s much easier to get people to listen to you when you’re confident and charismatic. You exude this air about you that draws people to you. They want to listen to you; they are interested in what you have to say. Yes, people will not be able to deny what you say if you’re providing facts but often, facts are not available or applicable. I cannot give you facts on whether it’s better to go with Girl A or Girl B. I can present you with my opinion based on what you’ve told me and it’s up to you to decide if you believe what I’m saying.

There has been many a time where I don’t believe what I’m telling the person but I know that they’ll benefit more if I convince them to follow the other alternative. I’ve found that my success rate in such situations has been a lot lower. Eventually the person might still do as I said, but I know it wasn’t because of me. The reason being that often when I don’t believe what I’m saying, I don’t sound as confident. That doesn’t surprise anyone, right? It makes complete sense, actually. You don’t believe in something so you’re less confident when stating it.

Still, I’d like to think that I’m now very good at stating something I don’t believe in (or sometimes, I know to be a lie) and sounding so confident that the listener will believe me. It’s not something I do often though. I’d like to believe that I’ve progressed as a counsellor.

Before, I’d provide advice based on what I felt was the best course of action. I realised that essentially, I was living my life through the shoes of the person I was helping. I was telling them what I would have done if I was in their place. I was convincing them to do just that. It did work. I was helping the person and often, they did benefit. However, I realised that I wasn’t helping the person to the best of my abilities. It wasn’t just about helping the person get through their problem; it was about helping that person avoid future problems while still knowing how to tackle them.

I changed my strategy. It became more about leading the person to my solution. I admit it sounds tedious and a waste of time to some. If I know the solution, I should just tell the person and help put their mind at ease quicker.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime – Confucius

It’s a common cliché but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s applicable. Many of my earlier posts contained elements of how I wished to get away from doing what society does and rather walking the unbeaten path in the hopes of discovering something new. I admit that, quite often, I reached the same solutions that society did but I don’t regret my decisions because it’s the journey that makes me different. I feel that by learning things for myself and by questioning everything, I could prove or disprove it to myself. I also got a better understanding of why things are the way they currently are. I may have reinvented the wheel but at least I know which things to believe in and which ones to accept for the moment. I digress…

I guess it would be easy for me to say that a sign of a bad counsellor or psychiatrist would be the average period of time a patient has been their client. If they have several long-time recurring patients, then it would be safe to say that they haven’t done anything worthwhile. Yet, that trivialises their work. I understand how fragile the human mind is and how it often requires time to really get to the root of the problem. I still digress…

I did have a point in the last two paragraphs though. I wanted to state that I do feel I’m capable of helping people out and I wanted to backup my reasoning for the quote.

I love helping people out. I love knowing how much trust they place in me and how they value their friendship with me. They come to me knowing that they can confide in me and believe that they will come away with a better sense of direction.

So to finally get back to the point… I may like to help people but I don’t want them to become dependent on me for all of their problems. I want them to learn how to help themselves and tackle their own problems. Sooner or later, I will not be around to help them and that’s when they’ll need to think back on their conversations with me and think everything through so that they can help themselves.

That’s what I do now in my conversations when I’m helping people. I try to guide them to reach the same solution I have in my mind. It helps them understand how to approach a problem and how to break it down into manageable parts. I also realised something when I adopted this new technique. Every so often, I’d have a solution in mind which would end up being changed because I learnt something new when I walked through the problem with the person. I realised that I could never hope to know more about the situation than that person and therefore, it was better for me to facilitate their thinking process rather than give them a solution. They would be able to come up with a solution which covers all bases or which provides an acceptable level of risk.

It’s something that has been preached to me over and over in the consulting business. The biggest mistake a consultant could make is to give the client the solution. Consider it a cardinal sin.

I recently read the opening pieces of someone’s retort to the Confucius quote I mentioned above. I can’t remember the exact words but to paraphrase “How can you teach someone a lesson when their stomach is rumbling and hence, their mind is preoccupied?”. I found that to be an interesting point. It’s an age old question that’s morphed to address the famous adage. Do you grit your teeth and slug it out for a bit longer in the hopes of a better reward or do you go for the instant reward which might not yield as much satisfaction? Sometimes, desperation votes for the latter. Circumstance can side with desperation. It’s entirely possible that without immediate gratification, there will be no chance of a future reward.

I can’t dismiss this point. It’s very valid and I can think scenarios which invoke this thought process. I can only say that when the time comes, you will make a decision. When you do, stick by it and if it gives you what you hoped for, then don’t regret it or wonder what would have happened if you had taken the alternate path. Refer to my previous post on why I’m against that.

One important aspect of the counselling I provide is the manner in which I speak. Most of the time, the people who approach me are looking for confirmation that they’re on the right track or that they aren’t the ones to blame. Rather than posing something as a question, I find that by simply saying it as a supportive statement helps their self-esteem. Even if I’m wrong, they can correct me but what really matters is that by using a statement, they believe that I’m on their side and that I believe they’re right. It gives them the confidence they need to get past their problem whether it’s accepting a bad outcome or tackling a current issue.

I still get people coming up to me asking me for help. I have people telling me that they don’t know where they’d be without me or wondering why I put up with them when all they seem to do is burden the friendship. It’s nice to know that there are people out there who appreciate everything I’ve done. I’ve mentioned this a long time before and I’ll mention it again. It’s the people I don’t manage to help which really gets to me.

I’ve pasted this before…

In Scrubs, J.D. told Dr. Cox, “I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after twenty years of being a doctor... when things go badly you still take it this hard.”

I’ll always take it hard. I hope I always take it hard. Not being able to help someone is my biggest fear. But I’ll always remain confident and I’ll always be a counsellor to everyone who needs me. I’d like to believe that I’m charismatic too.

Choice & Consequence

Why is it so hard for me to accept that there’s more to life than just going through the motions while always looking out for yourself foremost?

I have so much trouble thinking that I’m just supposed to shut up and sit down… that I should be like everyone else in this world. It’s not like I have this ambitious drive in me to be the most famous person in the world but as I’ve often said, I want to be known as someone who made a positive difference.

On the other hand, I’m not that passive that I’ll sit back, follow all the rules and just live for myself. There are so many issues in the world where someone needs to step up and take charge. Yet, I don’t find myself stepping up. I guess I’m wishing for something nobler. As if I’m going for all or nothing.

I don’t have a death wish but I shudder to think that someday, I’ll die a normal death lying on a bed somewhere because old age has taken its toll on me. Yes, it’s possible that by then, I’ve lived a full life and managed to come out unscathed till the point where my heart beats its last. I want to live my life knowing that I’m making a difference to people. I don’t want those differences to affect only those in close proximity to me. I want to spend my life knowing that, if nothing else, I helped people I didn’t even know. People who will never hear about me or know of me but still benefit in some way.

I have all the respect in the world for those in the military. Some may have more psychotic reasons and I suppose that’s a good thing since you’re trained to be on a battlefield killing other humans. Yet, the honour lies in the fact that you’re out there protecting not just your family and friends but everyone else in your country. You are out there fighting for people you don’t even know, people who don’t know you. People who might not even care. But that’s not what matters. You are willing to give up your own life just so others may live theirs.

Yet, sometimes, you have to wonder just how good a decision that is. Thieves, crooks, con artists, rapists, gluts, misers, lawyers and politicians are part of the group being saved. I guess that’s why I’m not in the military. I don’t think some people deserve to be saved. It’s not my decision to make, though. I could spend hours arguing over what’s right or wrong and how it’s subjective. I don’t believe that one’s values and opinions should be forced upon another. I’m not justifying robbery, murder, etc. but I guess up to a certain point, it’s better to let people live their lives the way they choose. Then there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Where that line is drawn is a subjective decision.

The thing about these military personnel is that they believe that everyone deserves to be saved. That no one should be left behind. They go to extraordinary lengths to make sure that when it comes down to it, they will defend the country with no second thoughts. They will protect it no matter what state it’s in.

We’re on this planet with more than six billion people. Is life really all about living out your life trying to keep yourself happy? I don’t think you can make everyone else happy but you should sure as well try. Hell, I know there are some people out there who hate my guts. I’m sorry for that. I really am. They have every right to hate me and I wish things were different but they aren’t. I wish I could make things better but I don’t know how. It’s something that I’ll just have to hold in my heart and hope I don’t repeat.

Coming back to my original point, you have to try and help others. Fine, look out for yourself, do what you want, but occasionally, think about someone else. Is it as simple as holding the door open that extra second so the lady with the cart can pass through? Or perhaps as easy as being the person someone relies on for wakeup calls or reminders?

There are obviously more actions that one could go after but lets at least go for the easy ones for now. I think we’ve all had choices to make about who we’ll help and till what lengths we’ll go. I guess I’m around average in terms of being a good humanitarian. I just wish I was more. I wish I knew that when the situation calls for it, I’ll be the one people turn to for leadership, for help, for friendship.

Ultimately, when my life ends, I want to believe that I was somebody. I want to believe that I wasn’t just any one person in over six billion but that I was some person in over six billion.

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do” - Edward Everett Hale

Wouldn’t it be nice to know that when you die, it’ll bring people closer together? People will remember you, they’ll cherish the memories they share with you. They’ll talk about how you made a difference in their lives. Laugh over their fondest memory of you. Laughter… It’s my primary purpose in life. I want people to miss me because I made them laugh. That for the briefest of moments, I took their problems, made them mine yet still cracked a joke. I want the weight of the world on me. I want more people to come to me when they need help. It’s not about interfering in other peoples’ lives nor is it about knowing intimate details. It’s about letting people know there’s always a bright spot in their lives. Whether or not I can help them with their problems, they should believe that there is some point of talking to me.

I’ve been there for so many people when they needed someone to talk to. I’ve made sure that when someone needed me, I was available for them 24/7. I just didn’t want to let them down. I couldn’t bear the thought that when someone turned to me for help, I shut them out. Yet, I’ve done that in the past. I’ve done it to the people I’ve cared about. I’ve done it to the girl I care about. She means the world to me and it saddens me to think that I’ve upset her before. It kills me to know that I’ve hurt her so deeply several times. Yet, when I did all those mean things, I didn’t seem to show a morsel of remorse. Yet another burden that I will be carrying with me. I spend all my time now trying to keep her happy and it pleases me that it just feels natural doing anything for her. At the same time, I find it amusing how I’ll forever have to admit that she’s just so much better at meeting my needs.

And it’s upon her request that this post’s topic came up. I told her to recommend a subject and she went with “Choice”.

I don’t even want to get in to all of the bad choices I’ve made. All the bad decisions. Each choice comes with its own set of consequences. A whole new parallel dimension of opportunities. I regret them… I regret them all. I wish I could undo some of them. I wish I could make up for others. Yet, nothing will change who I am and what I feel is right or wrong. I’m happy with the person I am. Maybe I try too hard to be a martyr by making it sound like I have no choice but to bear the burdens of my history. In reality, I cherish all of my mistakes. They’ve taught me, they’ve punished me, they’ve hurt me.

We always have a choice. We claim to be forced into things but in reality, it’s in the interest of self-preservation that we dismiss other choices. I’m sure several of us would prefer not to be working. It’s entirely possible that we could eke out a living somehow. Yet, we’ll go to work day in, day out because we believe that we have no other choice if we want to survive.

I don’t go to work because I want the money. I don’t go to work because I want to be the top dog at the company. I go to work so I can feel like I’m contributing. Working in a large company, you don’t get that feeling. Unless you’re in a senior position, you feel insignificant. I made a choice. I decided to go with a smaller company so I didn’t feel as if I was just a pebble on the road. I chose consulting because I didn’t want to do just any job. I wanted to do something dynamic. I wanted to work where what I said made a difference to people. Where whole companies would make their decisions based on what I came up with.

Let’s assume that there’s no such thing as an irrational choice. Every choice taken is justified at the time of action. Yes, you hacked that man to pieces but at the time, you felt it was the right thing to do. In retrospect, it could be called a decision made on the spur of the moment or an irrational decision.

Let’s assume that no one will ever make a decision which does more harm than good, either to themselves or to someone else. An evil person will do what it takes to get what they want; a hero will do what it takes to get you what you want. I’d say an irrational decision is one where you do something which causes more harm than good. So, you can’t really classify what sort of choice it was until the consequences are known.

A cricketer keeps missing the ball. He lashes out at the next ball. If he hits it over the boundary, he’ll be applauded. If he gets out, the blame will be on frustration or on an irrational shot selection.

So, there is no such thing as an irrational decision. There’ll be someone out there who doesn’t approve but to someone, the decision made sense. Whether it was right or wrong, that’s a debate I’ll choose not to attend.

Now we should look at the motivation behind the decision. Was it for personal gain or was it for someone else’s good? Is it possible that you can achieve both at the same time? Could your happiness in life really be geared in such a way? I think that would be great. My biggest joy in life is making others smile. I genuinely feel happy when I see someone else is happy.

If you’re only interested in personal gains, your decisions could be detrimental to someone else. You didn’t hold the door open so the lady with the cart struggled to get through. She ended up being late to a crucial meeting and lost her job. Insignificant actions leading to dire circumstances. A butterfly effect. You can’t predict what will happen but if you believe that just a simple “thanks” as she passes while you hold the door open is sufficient, then things will begin to improve.

It’s easy to be happy in this world. There’s always a lot out there that suits us or meets our needs. We just need to realise what we have and take pleasure in their experiences. When I think about my Missus, it often seems as if the world is always against her. So many things may go wrong, but I’m proud of her for never slowing down. It’s easy to whine and complain. Everyone does it. Yet, rather than sit down and give up because Murphy’s Law seemingly controls her fate, she’s back on track. Much faster than anyone would expect. Usually, I haven’t even grasped the extent of the problem before she’s working around the problem.

Perhaps we should stop worrying about what sort of choices we’re making. I’d say that more than 80% of the people who come seeking my advice are being indecisive. They need a little push. They are worried not about their choices but about the consequences. “What if she rejects me?”, “What if that doesn’t work?” or “What if people will think less of me?” What they are looking for is someone to support their instincts. I’m more than happy to give them my suggestions but I’m just as likely to tell them that they should follow their instincts.

If I can convince just one person who came to talk to me that they should stop and go with what they really want to do, then I’ll be happy. Perhaps it’s not the best idea to always act according to the best case scenario but people should start believing that things will work out. Yes, occasionally, something goes wrong. You suffer, you’re punished or you lose something. Are you really going to let that fear dictate your life?

In many of my talks with the people who came to me, I end up suggesting a course of action and asking them why they haven’t already done it. The number of times the other person has shaken his or her head as if trying to jar the fear loose is astounding. They know it’s what they need to do. They just need to stop worrying about the negative outcomes. Along with the lack of fear comes a sense of confidence. The driving force which makes everything appear possible. I can’t even begin to recount the number of times I’ve felt that confidence has led me to get what I want.

I don’t want to look back and wonder “What if I had done that?” Too many people I know spend their lives in the past wondering what could have been. I guess one thing that I cherish about my Missus is that I spend a lot more time thinking about what could be. I have hopes, I have expectations and I have motivation. I have something I’ll work towards. And for all of my insecurities, my “noble” desires and my childish wants, she supports me.

I don’t want to live my life in the future planning everything. I want to live in the present enjoying everything. So, rather than worry about what’s going to happen, I just believe everything will work out and I take the plunge.

“It’s always easier to apologise than to ask permission.” – Grace Murray Hopper

I’ve found out first hand that sometimes, you can’t be forgiven. That there was never any chance of getting permission but there was no chance of being forgiven either. Sometimes, you don’t even know you need permission from someone but you still get cornered into thinking that you should apologise.

Some would argue that you shouldn’t be doing anything that requires an apology later. I don’t know. I guess I can’t follow the rules that closely. Sometimes, something has to be done. It must be that part of me that doesn’t accept the status quo.

I wish I had more knowledge, more strength and more resolve. I want to do whatever I can to help this world. I just don’t want to spend my entire life working at a company where 80% of the other employees will never know who I am. It’s all about making a difference. I want to know that I’m making a difference. To more people than just my family.

I’m repeating myself. I’m not saying anything of worth. Perhaps I’m out of touch with writing with feeling so no one will understand what I’m talking about. I just wish it was possible for everyone to understand this feeling I have. For everyone to share it too. Perhaps it’ll convince the more active ones to get out there and make a difference.

With life the way it is nowadays, I find myself yearning for a mellow mood. One where I can block out the world and sit back. I want to enjoy a silent night, cool weather, a slow leisurely walk. I want to disconnect from the world for a while because I’ve had enough. There are people who I’ve lost touch with. There are parts of me that I’ve lost touch with.

There are too many things wrong with a rutted life. There are too many things wrong with a life where you plan on blocking everyone out. Close friends, significant others, they all become special. They give you motivation and hope. They make you feel loved. No matter how jaded past friendships and relationships have been, you should give your all in each friendship and in each relationship otherwise you’ll just be depriving yourself.

It’s a choice you have to make. Don’t think you have to make a decision about what sort of life you want to lead. Instead, make a choice about the smaller things in life. These are the things that define your life. As Captain Planet used to say, “The choice is YOURS”. Oh jeez… I can’t believe I’m ending this post with that!

Buddy Or Bust?

***My Note***

I’ll leave you with another one that I came up with. It might be my last post while I’m away.

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence can break your heart.”

***End Note***

Is it just me or does the world get louder when I’m alone with you? Is it my ears straining to catch the slightest sound that could break this uncomfortable silence? Why is it that your company shares its traits with a thorny rose?

It was never supposed to be this hard. I would sit down with you and expect the hours to fly. Yet, with each passing minute, the expectation becomes deranged. I begin to wish that I be delivered from the agony you put me through. I want to be there with you but you make it so hard on me.

I could close my eyes and pretend you’re not there but that would deprive me of the only assurance that you are truly with me. Without the words to fill the void, my eyes can only plug the dam. Whether I look at you or at the clock, it appears my eyes alone are active for my tongue lays still.

I want to accept that I can’t expect the words to flow unstoppably. But it’s you. How can I accept that I cannot carry a conversation with you? You’re the person who I should be able to sit in front of and prattle on for hours.

Shall I accept the shame of quittance and leave you be? My hiatus away shall be my solace. I want to know that I’m not alone when it comes to us. It feels like I’m always chasing after you desperate for any pittance you can give me – even if it is just awkward silence.

I don’t understand where this shift of power came from. Gone is my world where no such problems existed. You snatched that away from me and left me shrouded in doubt. This is your show now and I have naught more than a minor role.

The solace will save me. I shall preserve the idea of you in my dreams. I’ve clearly stated my intentions previously. Buddy or beau, your happiness is the key. As long as I remain the obstacle, I refuse to bind you to me. With what minute power I have left, I plead to you – let me draw the final curtain and end this charade.

What we have is little more than a wisp of smoke that clouds my judgement. I wish I was still important but that’s untrue. You have your star cast so let me fade away while I still hold the spotlight.

Buddy Or Beau?

*** My Note ***

Take this how you will and apply it to your life. Some of you out there might have someone you feel strongly about. If not already, take the chance to tell them how you feel.

"The bittersweet tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." - Harriet Beecher Stowe

*** End Note ***

I dream of you every night. Your presence there has become as natural as my own. Since you arrived, my dreams have been better, if not good. I would not change a thing for I feel as if you bring a sense of ease to my dreams. That everything finally feels right and I have what I need.

Someday, I’ll dare to take your hand as we walk so that I can feel your touch in my palm. To feel comforted that you’re right there by my side. To have you tug on my sleeve when you need something and make me feel as if there is something I have to offer you. Someday, I might dare to say that for the briefest of moments, your lips graced mine.

Day in and day out, I will continue in my attempts to never let you feel alone. I shall continue to stand by your side. To smile when you laugh. To give you a shoulder to cry on. To give an ear when you talk. To give a hug when you need the comfort.

Compromise fails to take on meaning when it comes to you. My wishes align with yours and my efforts are for your benefit. For every second that I spend with you is a gift. My only offering… devotion.

Do understand that I value the time we’ve spent together and I do still yearn for your company. So much so that I hate the farewells and I desperately think of ways to see you for just the one extra second. Hoping that maybe finally, I’ll work up the nerve to smile at you, perhaps take your hand and pull you close. I miss you. It’s hard to believe but I miss you. I could meet you all the time but it’s still never enough. You don’t understand what it means to me when I can say that you took the time out to meet me.

I’m always straining my mind to think of something to talk to you about. When I look into your eyes, I always dread to see boredom. I’m always just looking to lock eyes with you so that I can just feel one extra connection with you. It’s sad but true. Humour me and let me feel as if I’m not completely delusional in thinking that perhaps it’s possible a girl like you could stand by me.

Impossible is nothing but the same goes for your feelings for me… Nothing. It is not to be and I will not force it. I will not ask to see if you will be mine. I only ask if you will take what I offer. I cherish your happiness, treasure your smile. I hope your happiness is as eternal as your presence in my thoughts. Call it an infatuation or a schoolboy crush, I don’t mind. Just know that I care and I’m always looking out for you. Whether it’s now or later, I shall always stand on the sidelines and root you on. I will continue to dream about you for it’s the only place where I know you can be mine and I can make you as happy as you deserve to be. Don’t doubt me on that – your happiness is what matters to me and I shall always be the person you need me to be. If that means that I should remain your friend and shelve my feelings, then so be it.

Cruel Clichés

The theme of this post revolves around three clichés that have been used so often that I don’t even like using them. Yet, if the shoe fits, wear it. Yes, that was the first cliché. I’ll throw in a few metaphors too. And seeing how this post is really all about me, I’m not going to generalise it to other people.

I want to talk about being judgemental. I’ve mentioned it so many times now. I’ve often complained about people who judge others so quickly and yet I never blatantly admitted that I do it too. So, I’m worse than them. I’m judgemental and hypocritical.

Quick quiz to address the flaws associated with being judgemental. Some of you might be familiar with this.

*** Court In Progress ***

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had eight kids already, three of whom were deaf, two blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Question 2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
And by the way: Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

*** I rest my case ***

I haven’t verified the Beethoven question which is something I should know seeing how I took a course on Beethoven. But the point is that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

Yet I still do. Not only do I judge people but I judge situations too. It’s good that I can size up people and situations so quickly but the pitfall to avoid is making it the final verdict. To keep an open-mind and allow other judgements to be made. Or should one avoid making judgements at all? To let things be how they are and not introduce a bias based on the judgement.

Of course, moderation is the key. Yet, the issue that I’m talking about is being close-minded. So often, I’ve caught myself saying “I hate so and so because of these reasons”. It’s bad enough that I form such strong feelings to hate something but more often than not, there have been pros too. I believe the first instance of me realising this was after I had formed a negative opinion of a professor and asked Emperor for confirmation. Instead, he pointed out some positives which made me realise how one-sided I had been. We’re all entitled to our own opinions but I feel that we should wait till we’ve considered the entire picture before forming them. I understand that it’s sometime hard to realise when you’re looking at the complete picture or if there’s more to it.

It’s sad that it took me so long to realise that I had been looking at life from one side… my side. Since then, I’ve tried to look at things from other peoples’ points of views and to see all sides of the stories but it’s still so easy to make a judgement and ignore all else.

So why spend this time complaining about it? Knowing there’s a problem is half the battle. So why am I not out there finishing the war? It’s easy to accept that some things just happen and that there’s no need to get worked up over them. The topic’s only taken priority in my mind recently.

It was only once I lost patience with other people being judgemental that I began to think about this properly. I was ready to criticise them for being judgemental but I realised that I was no different than them.

But honestly, who cares? I can try to be a good person and iron out all the flaws in my personality one by one but it gets me absolutely nothing. I can spend my entire life trying to be the perfect person. It might be difficult enough to see a flaw in intricate art but when the art is as personal as my own life then it’s hard to live with that flaw. Every time that flaw causes me troubles, I want to address it.

But I ask you. Who cares? So some soul thinks you’re a good person for still caring. What’s the benefit? Nice guys finish last and that’s my second main cliché (third in total if you’re keeping count).

Sir Walter Raleigh was said to have lain down his cloak over a muddy puddle so that Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t dirty her feet. What did that leave him with? The queen’s favour, a rumour that’s persisted for over four hundred years and a dry-cleaning bill? Yes, the truth is that he never did such a thing. Look it up.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be nice but I’m saying there’s not much glory in it. Yes, that’s not the goal of being nice but with so many downsides to it, it’s hard not to put niceties on the shelf and just be an ass to everyone. Or perhaps even be an asshole to some.

I can be nice to everyone and make it my defining characteristic. It’s the first thing people note about me but is that worth anything? It opens doors for some to walk all over me. It means that I’ve put aside my own wishes to go that extra yard and make someone happy.

Yes, that’s the motivation I was searching for. Make people happy. That’s the reason why you should be nice. Yet, it goes back to what I mentioned before. As long as everything is fine and dandy (is that a cliché?), no one will complain but no one will acknowledge it either unless specifically asked. Your reward for being nice is having the peace of mind that no one is nagging you to be nice. Yet, you can even be criticised for being too nice. There’s no pleasing the world.

The complexity that rises in reading other people is accounting for their moods. Catch a person on the wrong day and I could get the wrong feedback. I could take the time to notice something that a person usually cares about and yet I get no reaction. And it’s funny how I could realise that it was just bad timing but those split-second moments can change my goals. Perhaps it’s the accumulation of no reaction over a period of time but eventually, I don’t want to take it anymore. What’s the point of being nice and taking an interest in other people when I only get snubbed if it’s the wrong time?

I guess I can now say that I know what others go through when they talk to me. When they mention titbits that they felt would interest me but I just dismiss it with an airy “I don’t care.” You try and others trample your work.

Why should I bother with talking to anyone if it’s not to meet my own end? Keep friends for company when I’m lonely and maintain contacts for networking if I need a job or advice. Forget everything else. Why should I bother making the extra effort of talking to someone or trying to meet them when all I’ll get in return is a time when they can potentially fit me in on standby? Why should I show an interest in someone else when there’s none returned? Just keep friendships as superficial as I can to keep them going but not go beyond that because there just seems to be no return?

I can go the extra mile in being nice to someone because I don’t feel like it takes any effort. I want to be nice to the person. I want to do what it takes to make that person happy. Yet, it just doesn’t feel good when the person doesn’t seem to notice. When the person turns to me and comments on how someone else is so nice and almost perfect in some aspect. Does it ever feel fair when you go beyond yourself but still can’t compete with someone’s natural ability? It’s not jealousy. I’m too self-centred for that. I don’t see it as the other person being better. To me, I’m worse. There are so many things wrong with thinking this way because I should just be happy that there is someone out there doing a better job of being a better person than me. That the world can only benefit from having someone like that person around.

Is it because I’m looking for some sort of acknowledgement from the people I’m being nice to? I don’t think that’s it. I have already rescinded my initial statements of how I don’t care about what other people say. Instead, I altered it to say that I do care about what people say when they are people I care about. When they are people important to me then I’ll listen to everything that they have to say, good or bad.

In reality, I’m just looking for some sort of sign that there’s a benefit to being nice to everyone. You see it in all of the old sitcoms. How a person wishes they were never alive because they don’t feel appreciated or useful. Then some fairy godmother or godfather appears to show them how life would be different without them. Now being a family sitcom, they don’t show you the complete story. It gets edited out. The person really gets depressed, dopes up and hallucinates. How else can you explain the fact that this all-powerful “fairy” doesn’t appear when the person is facing other troubles?

To get back to the point – how would people’s lives change if I’m not as nice to them? Is that even a relevant query? Does that even make a difference? Who cares how their lives would change? If I really wanted to know, I’d stop being nice to them right now without worrying about repercussions.

I make it sound like being nice is such a burden; that each time I’m nice to someone, it’s such an effort. When in reality, it’s ingrained in me to be nice to someone. That I don’t think about it. I’m remembering particular instances but I’m not thinking of specific people. I’m thinking of that group of people who trivialise what’s important and flood your life with meaningless words and actions that are almost an annoyance. Is that too judgemental?

There’s nothing more to add on to that so I’ll move on.

What’s wrong? There’s so much more in friendships. I can think of so many examples which prove my previous paragraphs wrong. Yet, there are still too many examples supporting me. And I’m just tired of it. I keep plugging away and hope to get a hit but when there’s one miss too many, I want to cut my losses and take a hike.

If you want to be a nice person, you have to be willing to set some hard-and-fast limits to live by. You have to be willing to put in a selfless effort to help another. Along the way, that’ll mean losing out on things you want to do. It means giving up other things.

You cannot keep folding and unfolding a piece of paper without it eventually giving out at the creases. Eventually, the dam breaks if you poke enough holes in it. Don’t poke the bear! Eventually, I will look past my limits and I’m not going to come back unless I’m jolted back. How far should you go to get what you want? How far should you go when it all feels right? Oblivious to pain does not mean you’re not hurting. Everything could feel right but look deeper.

So often, I’ve felt that the moment was just right for me to take an action. To go with what I want, what almost feels natural, and take a risk. I was surprised that there wasn’t even any fear associated with the risk. It’s just so tempting to put aside those stupid limits because they don’t even help me! They’re restraining me and if I go with what I want, they won’t last. Yet, when you consider being nice and realising that there’s another party involved, you put aside the desires and you erect the limits again.

That brings me to my third cliché. Be careful what you wish for. I never liked this cliché. Obviously, if you want something then why should you be careful? Of course, it’s all about not thinking things through and not realising that there might be some downsides of getting what you want. Yet, if you really want something then you should be willing to work your way through the negatives that come with your decision. You’ve made your bed so sleep in it. Just make sure you know what to expect when making the decision in case you change your mind.

With so many desires in my life, it has been easy to filter through what I want and what I lust… for the most part. There are some that lie in the grey area between the two sides. These desires change sides depending on the situation. It’s hard to decide whether or not I really want a go at them. Therein lays the problem. If I do nothing and dismiss them as lusts, then they will continue to haunt me. I’ll wonder about what would have happened if I had taken the chance. Nothing would have changed so I’m still at square one. So, that leaves just the one decision to take. Go for it and make it a want. Make it mine. Do what I’ve been yearning to do and hope that it pays off. If not, then give myself a pat on the back for having at least tried. At least the problem has been resolved.

Sometimes, I wish to do something so badly that it feels natural. That there seems to be no reason why I shouldn’t do it and that it’s the right thing to do. Yet, when it involves another person, I always have to think about his / her reaction. Whether or not they’ll approve or whether or not it changes anything. Sometimes, you know that there’s an eventual dead-end even if you succeed but you still want to go ahead. I’m not explaining the context but in my case, it’s irrational! I’m just harbouring a wish that will eventually just cause more troubles.

Recently, it’s become more prominent that there are people out there who choose to confide in me. I’m not sure if it’s because I help them sort through their problems, if I’m just a good listener or neither. Yet, it’s apparent. People have told me that they feel as if they can tell me anything. They’re definitely being honest because they certainly aren’t obliged to tell me anything. It’s not like I confide in them. Although, that’s because I don’t have any problems to talk about.

A while ago, a friend needed my help. I don’t know what it was but I wasn’t sure how to help. I knew what I needed to do but something was stopping me. So I ended up passing my friend off to another. Yet, my friend still ended up next to me later on. I’m still thinking but perhaps it was because it conflicted with another side of me. There are some limits I’ve set on myself and to help, I would have needed to push the limit. There were two temptations to push the limit, one of them being to help my friend and yet I didn’t. I think eventually, my friend did feel better.

So there end my three clichés. As a final comment, I’m just going to say that I could be frustrated with being nice to people but that’s not going to change. Whether it’s now or further down the line, there are benefits to being nice. But more than that, there are benefits to me being me and not putting on a mean façade.

Friendship Under Scrutiny Part II

You can look back over your life and see ups and downs. Your memories will remind you of the good times and the bad. Yet, when you really think about it, each year is mostly defined by a certain moment. Defined by that one episode that comes to mind when you think about a year.

I remember a lot about my life from 1989 onwards. Yet, I can’t think of that one defining moment because my memories aren’t that vivid. I remember snippets but nothing that really stands out.

I remember back in 1993, I was trying out for the basketball team. I was to score on Artsie who was on defense. Not that I had ever played basketball but I tried and failed. He got on to the team and I didn’t. Years later, I found out he went a long way in playing basketball. I believe that was also the year I played god in a play on “The Golden Touch” put on by Artsie, Midas and myself with a few others. I believe my mother also took a group photo at the end of the year of myself and my classmates. Artsie was late so he wasn’t in it. I never saw that photo.

I remember in 1994, I had my surgery. Enough said.

I remember in 1995 - 1996, I learnt how to sing “Country Roads” by John Denver. It was also my last year at St. Michael’s. I remember leaving after my final exam. I didn’t want to go. It was a change being enforced on me. I was walking out of the school premises and none of my friends seemed to have cared. No goodbyes, no nothing. It never bothered me but it does now. That the people who were supposed to be my greatest friends couldn’t even see me off. Then again, we were only 11 years old.

Who are your real friends? Is it really that simple a question? I’ve always preached that avoiding complexity makes life so much easier to get through.

There are people who understand and accept what you say or believe in you and there are those who ridicule you. You may be trying to put yourself out there and present your take on things so that people can understand who you are. There are those who might not agree with you but accept it. They’ll still support you. Then there are those who destructively criticise you and say you’re immature for thinking in such manners.

“Oftentimes, he’ll play the Devil’s Advocate but others will not understand.” Pushing others to defend themselves brings out sides of them that they might not be aware of. You challenge them and they’ll take on a stronger persona to strengthen their point.

I’m not always the best critic. I might form quick opinions and with my close-mindedness, I’ll shut down what the other person has to offer. I’ll expect everyone to do things the way I do and to accept what I say without question. In essence, I possess all of the qualities of a true dictator. Not necessarily a good thing.

I guess I’m trying to defend the latter type of people defined a few paragraphs ago. Defend them because I can be one of them. But in reality, they don’t do any good. They downplay your beliefs, shatter your confidence. If you’re like me, they get on your nerves. They believe that you’re trying to be someone you’re not and basically, are criticising who you are. They are saying that the personality you currently wield does not suit you. Yet who are they to tell you who you can be?

Over the past few months, I’ve had plenty of things happen to me that gave me a rush. No monotony, always fuelling the fire and opportunities abound. It really helped distinguish the people who were taking an interest because they wanted the best for you from the people who might have shown an interest for the sake of asking.

Perhaps friendships move in cycles – peaking at times and dipping at others. You can be really good friends with someone and find everything working out really well but realise that just a few weeks ago, there was nothing of substance there.

“Do unto others before they do unto to you.” You’ve been snubbed by others so now you want to snub new people before they can do the same to you. It’s the sad truth. You don’t give new people a chance because of what you’ve been through. It takes time to get over being hurt and realising that this new person doesn’t show any indications of being the same.

Who are your real friends? I thought I knew that when I came up with this topic. Yet now, I have no clue. Friends are everywhere. I have brief moments where I feel like a certain person is a real friend yet those moments don’t seem to persist. Perhaps I’m closer than ever to someone yet a gaping and covert void still separates us.

It’s a weird coincidence that when I started this blog, my first post was also on friendships and now on my 100th real post, I’ve come around in a complete circle. Back to where I was back then. Only this time, I’m thinking differently. Still, the title remains the same.

I already have ideas for my next post. I feel that it’ll be bitter and jaded yet that could change.

Unleashed Insight

So apparently, I have some fans. Not of the site but of how I am as a person. That’s nice to know seeing how not too long ago, I was described as being “Lying, Conniving, Deceitful, Apathetic, Boorish, Hurtful, Manipulative, Sick and Twisted”.

It’s easy to find fault with other things. For most of us, when we experience something that went well, we might have no complaints but we probably won’t sing any praises. However, if anything goes wrong, then the comments fly. It’s as if people only seem to notice when things go wrong. Anything, that went well is to be expected as part of our Status Quo.

When the New Year was being ushered in, I had an idea for what to write about. I figured that in the spirit of things, I’d write about my thoughts on the year that had passed. Yet, days went by and no posts went up. I even tried to write something in the middle but it didn’t have my usual style of writing. Needless to say, I was fairly disappointed with it so I ditched it. Even now, I don’t feel like anything I’m writing is up to scratch.

Not that I don’t have good things to say about 2006. On the contrary, I’d say it was my best year ever. I was able to hang out with my friends a lot more than I usually do. I finally found some sort of balance between my social life and my academic life with no conflicts. I managed to experience so many new things for the first time. 2006 was ushered in with a new experience and it left similarly with a bang. Best of all, I managed to start doing things that really made me happy.

I believe that I might be in the typical stage of “I Am Indestructible”. It’s quite common to find that amongst people my age. I don’t seem to fear anything and I’ll step up to try anything. For the longest time, I felt it was my confidence that made me feel that I could do what I wanted to do. With my life organised, I could start exploring new realms. Compare jumping off liquid water to jumping off solid ground. Until there’s stable ground, it’s not easy to let your attention turn elsewhere. Indeed, I do feel as if I’m exuding confidence. Everything’s going well and with just a couple of pressing matters to attend to, I feel as if life’s going well.

Of course, pride comes before a fall. Or, it’s the calm before a storm. Whatever it might be, I’m not questioning it. A friend of mine told me that he tends to look ahead quite a lot. I told him that although he wasn’t in the wrong, he should be careful not to end up living in the future. As for me, I’d like to think that I’ve set up a good balance. I’ve looked far enough ahead to plan accordingly but I devote the rest of my time to living in the here and now. I’ve been enjoying how things have been going for me recently and that means that I’m not going to worry about whether it’s short-lived or not. I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts and not take it for granted.

The friend I just mentioned above – I’m yet to give him a nickname since I haven’t really mentioned him before. Yet, our conversations often bring up scenarios where we discuss human behaviour. It’s a topic that intrigues me greatly and without his feedback, I probably wouldn’t be able to methodically lay out my perceptions of people. He says that I provide him with great deal of insight (or amusement) and help him understand how people react. So taking that into account along with the fact that he’s a Star Wars fan, I’ll dub him Padawan. Of course, if he dislikes that, I could call him Chewie or Skywalker.

Although I haven’t brought up his conversations so far, I’ll start now since there have been several interesting topics that we’ve covered. For the most part, I’ll just talk about my take on the issue.

An initial one that we started upon was the friendships formed in university. For the most part, we agreed that although we had made plenty of friends during our classes, hardly anyone became the sort of friend that we could talk to beyond anything that could be classified as “small talk”. In his words, “we were always together and didn’t really have anything in common. It felt constraining.” Also, the formation of cliques tends to limit the amount of contact with outsiders.

We both agreed on something: that friendship should not require any effort. I’m forever hearing arguments to the contrary but I’m yet to find any of them even remotely convincing. Most of us aren’t looking for friends so we’re not really putting in any effort to meet new people. Yet, we still end up making new friends. There was no effort put in there. So, why should it be any harder to keep friendships going? If both participants want to remain friends, they’ll find time to talk to each other and resolve any issues without huge spectacles.

With my life passing as it is, I find myself spending less and less time sitting on the computer. Instead, I’m always trying to get out there and either enjoy myself or experience something new. Of course, that’s only if I’m not caught up in my studies. This style of living comes with some negatives. It’s the way of life, it seems; that when you step up the pace, you leave some people behind. I picked up the pace at which I was living my life by trying to get the most out of each day. It didn’t mean that I was always out there living life to the fullest but it meant that I was out there doing whatever made me laugh and kept me happy. I just didn’t care to be sitting at home and finding myself with naught to do.

So as I said, people get left behind. For the most part, I’ve shielded my friends from the change. I plan around them and manage to spend my days with them as leisurely as I used to. Yet, with some other people, it just wasn’t that easy and in the end, contact with them dropped rapidly. No conversation that really goes anywhere.

Another topic that the young Padawan and I talked about was relationships. As is the case with most single guys, the topic does come up quite often. Yet, as far as I could tell, it wasn’t that either of us was pining to be in a relationship but that we weren’t against the idea. He mentioned that he had met a girl but figured that she was out of his league because she was quite pretty.

I don’t like the concept of all these leagues. In the quest to categorise people, we occasionally overlook certain traits. People have dynamic personalities and it’s just too hard to clearly classify someone. So, for each potential personality combination, a new “league” has to be formed. In the end, the chances of finding someone in your league are low. So don’t let leagues deter you. If you fancy a try, go for it. Put aside the fear of rejection. When you’ve mentally pictured being rejected, then you’ve made a large assumption on the behalf of someone who you don’t even know!

What I found interesting was that he described me as being “warmer” than most people. He had no doubts that I had a romantic side but he wondered whether I’d shirk my tendency to humour when taking my romantic side for a walk. My answer to that was that there was no chance. I refuse to give up the chance to get a good chuckle. Eventually, the girl might forgive me (although, girls harbour grudges so she’d never forget) but that one moment where I could have cracked the joke just won’t come back. No girl is worth losing a smile over.

Last year, there was a girl who seemed to show an interest in me. She’s a very nice girl with a naïve and innocent air about her. Yet, what I found severely lacking was a sense of humour. I just had no interest in even considering any other aspect of her personality and see her as a potential girlfriend. Then again, I’m approaching a year since I found myself cleansed of any such attractions. To return to the point… a girl with no sense of humour has absolutely nothing to offer me. If I was to use a weight system, all the other traits together couldn’t offset the fact that she was dull! My apologies for being harsh.

During one moment in a quick repartee between us, I came up with a quote that went over well with him so I’ll put it up here: There’s no “I” in “team” but there is in “dictator”! It’s certainly not infrequent that we end up jousting with our words especially when it comes to greeting each other with a new nickname and validating it. Upon being dubbed Plato by him once, I returned the favour by calling him Aphrodite! He feigned offence at being called a women but I backed that up by stating that I had made him the one thing that all men want. I don’t think that appeased him. I believe I’ve also stated that I wasn’t surprised people had called him Stewie since I could see the semblance when it came to questioning their orientation.

We’ve even spent a few hours going over what a girl wants. Unsurprisingly, most girls don’t know what they want down to the last detail but there are general criteria that they are usually unanimous on. So, with some small-scale sampling, we figured out what girls want in a guy.

Remembering all the different conversations I’ve had with Padawan, I see that he’s one of those few people who can compliment others on their positives. However, he believes that he’s more likely to say something nice behind someone’s back than to their face. Often, he’s mentioned me as a source of perspective and wisdom. It is refreshing meeting people who will compliment someone on just being them rather than waiting for a more lavish display of positivism. Indeed, recently, I’ve found myself in a thankful mood for all the people around me and especially my family.

I believe our final conversation was on me as a person. I was telling him about the moment when I was called all those names that I started off this entry with. He asked simple questions that evoked deep answers. It was a good session for me because I learnt a lot during that time while unloading my thoughts on him. He was able to get sufficient details on any of my statements to portray a complete picture.

Initially, he was surprised to hear about this other side of me. In fact, most people are. Those who interact with me in person, usually have the opinion that I’m mild-mannered, quiet and certainly not prone to getting angry or upset. As Artsie said not too long ago, I have no feelings. Of course, that was an overstatement.

When in an argument, I don’t show any signs of caring or even being interested in the argument. For all intents and purposes, the other people get the impression that I’m mocking them by not getting worked up when in reality, I just find that getting excited doesn’t help my case. Indeed, in most arguments, my main method of debating is not arguing itself but answering the person’s demands on my own terms. When people are angry, their aggression tends to dictate the terms of the conversation. They demand instant resolution of their issues. That doesn’t work with me. I control the pace of the conversation and I’ll even talk off-topic. Now, these aren’t my battle plans or tactics. It’s just how I am. I just don’t like getting worked up in arguments and I don’t respond well to demands or threats. Most of the time, the threats are empty so I tend to call their bluff.

The usual result of these arguments is the other party apologising. It’s not really a resolution of the argument but it ends the issue. Padawan asked me whether I had no fear of antagonising other people and if I welcomed it. I think I do invite it. Somewhere in the course of that discussion, I called myself an agent of Karma, Karma’s Fists if you will. If people do something inanely stupid, I’ll call them on it. Although it does tend to make me come off as being too opinionated (which I do think I am), I believe that if I’m right on some issue, I’ll vocalise it.

Initially, I disliked opening up to people because one thing that I wanted to avoid was sharing something really important to me and having the person say “That’s it?”. Again, this is something that even I do often too. It wasn’t the primary reason for me not opening up. I just didn’t feel like I was holding back on anything. Eventually, I did start to open up, according to others. Of course, people almost always want more than they’re getting. So, it wasn’t good enough and when I shut them out again, then they realised what they had achieved and subsequently lost. Starting off from square one again is hardly desirable.

When all is right for the couples in the world, then where does that leave me? I’m certainly happy seeing all these different relationships flourishing around me especially the ones that have sprung up before my very eyes over the last four years. In fact… it’s an entirely different topic but it certainly doesn’t feel like I’m nearing the end of my four years here at university. Time has flown too fast - too fast for me to have enjoyed it properly. I’m not going to get those days back. I definitely know that I’ve lived life properly in that time but I could have lived it better had I planned properly. However, I can’t get those years back. It’s the sad truth.

What gets to me is seeing all these famous people who are younger than me. Now, it’s not that I’m jealous. I admire them for having become well-known and successful so early in their lives. I only wish that I could have done the same. My ultimate goal is to be famous too. Being rich or so doesn’t matter. I don’t need fame. I’d just like to be the guy that everyone knows. I suppose it could be considered an insecurity of mine wishing that people knew me so that I felt as if I fitted in with them. I don’t know the real reason. Fact of the matter is that although celebrities and athletes may be younger than me, it’s not their sort of fame that I’m looking for. I’m looking for the sort of fame that would come from helping people out or having done something noteworthy. So, occasionally, I do feel like I might have missed out on something that prevented me from gaining this sort of success. I would like to be able to walk down the street and have people recognise me. Not be in awe of me or anything because I’m just looking to be the guy that everyone knows.

It used to be a childhood goal of mine. Something that I thought I’d grow out of. Yet, I’m still hoping that I can have a positive impact on the world somehow. I seem to recall having talked about this before. Mentioning that a friend had said it’s not wrong to live our lives looking out for ourselves. Yet, if I can get even one country to make my name a household utterance, then I’ll feel content enough to know I made a difference. Perhaps it’s just a pinch of nobility still left in me from my upbringing that corruption is yet to touch. Perhaps it’s just my vanity.

To go back to relationships, I’m still hit by the occasional desire to find someone. Yet, other than those feelings, there’s no backing to go ahead. Yes, some people can argue that those feelings are enough to outweigh everything else but not for me. Plus, the keyword is occasional. It’s truly fickle if I’m just with someone to satiate those infrequent wishes for company. Relationships are reputed to require a lot of work. Work that I’d tend to pass over in the pursuit of new experiences. Although I’d like to be able to share those experiences with someone or spend some leisure time sitting around with someone in parks or roaming malls, I think these are only attempts to stave off the occasional bouts of loneliness. There doesn’t seem to be any wish to show commitment but perhaps just a selfish drive to show that there’s a softer side of me.

Reading that, it certainly sounds like I want to be in a relationship and that I don’t want to be alone anymore. And perhaps I’m even making up excuses for what I know will be a deficiency in finding a nice girl for myself. Yet, I strongly believe that I don’t need that. I have my friends to give me all the company I need.

My Sociology course showed a couple of films on how gender roles are defined by the general public. Men should be tough, independent, strong, etc. etc. The film went on to talk about how men should really be. Yes, for many people, the male is the source of strength and a stable comfort. Yet, men should be fine with showing emotions and letting people see a tender side of them. I’m all for that. I think the film ignored the advantages of men playing out their current roles and tended to focus only on the negatives of it but it certainly supported my own opinion that men shouldn’t be over-masculine. Despite what we were told at the start of the course, I’ve found Sociology to be unequivocally biased. There are no attempts to rationalise either side of an issue. The course takes a side and it provides a one-sided story.

Back in my second year, I met a friend who eventually confided in me that she had found me to be a strong comfort after having faced so many issues. She said that with so many things going wrong for her, I helped somehow. Sadly, by the end of the year, I lost all contact with her. It has picked at me since then because I just feel like things fell apart and I can see all the instances where I’m to blame. Since I’ve been here, I’ve helped out so many people in their times of needs and I have no regrets about any of that. It’s the ones I haven’t been able to help or the ones who I’ve let down that get to me.

In Scrubs, J.D. told Dr. Cox, “I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after twenty years of being a doctor... when things go badly you still take it this hard.”

My version: I guess after all this time, I still need a superhero that will help me out of any situation I’m in. I need that. But that’s my problem and I’ll deal with that. I’ve needed a superhero for the longest time. Excluding my family, I can’t say I’ve found someone who I could say would be there for me whenever I fall. I want to make sure that I’m always able to pick myself up and because of that, I want to keep myself strong and deal with any issues on my own.

After twenty years, when things go bad, I still take it this hard. When I can’t help someone out, it’s my shortcoming. Yes, it’s selfish of me to make it about myself when someone else is in trouble but when people come to me for help, I want to make sure that they get what they need. Failure has always been an issue for me and when it comes to the happiness of others, it gets to me if I can’t do anything. I just don’t like to give up on anything even if it’s not my problem. I could psychoanalyse myself and say that perhaps my fear of not being able to help others translates to my not being able to help myself in some similar situation. I could even say that my fears extend to not having a safety net to help me when I have my problems. Yet, I don’t believe that. I just want to help people.

My goal in life is to gain distinction in life so that people know who I am. I’ll just need to find out what makes me different from every other individual in the world in such a way that people are willing to give me more of their time.

Emperor asked why I now require other people to legitimate my value when I used to talk about living my life on my terms.

In groups of friends, there is usually a focus point – someone who is the life of the group. I couldn’t claim to be that someone. I did at one point consider myself to be the liaison of the group. The sort of person that any subgroup would accept as one of their own. Potentially the backbone or binding force for the group. Yet, this system of assigning roles to the group is irrelevant since what matters is that we all get along really well with each other regardless of my presence.

When it comes to validating my worth, my self-evaluation is obviously flawed. Yet, why even try to figure out my value? Like Emperor said – “Do what you want to do, and everything will be fine.” He’s right, of course. For so long, Emperor had been the hero I mentioned above. He might not be fully at ease with that comment but as I’ve mentioned before, he’s the benchmark to what I compare myself to. His extensive company over the last few years has been more than anyone else’s for as long as I can remember. His importance to me as a friend ranks highly and it’s not just because I’ve spent so much time with him but because I’ve been able to spend so much time with him.

I don’t spend my life planning for everything and working with a clear idea of what I want. Certainly, I don’t know how I’d react to all different scenarios or even what I truly want. When something comes to my mind, I write it out without wondering about how I might be contradicting the image that I put out.

Simple truth of the matter is that when people are important to me, their opinions matter to me. Whether or not my actions change based on those opinions is a different thing altogether. I’m always going to listen to my closest friends and family when they comment on my life. I’d want to know whether or not they approve of what I do or not because I want to know if I have their support.

When I talk about my grand plans of making a difference in the world, I know that I can’t do that if people don’t support me. My actions have to account for what they want. My personal life is still mine to rule as I wish but if I want to help others, then I need to listen to them. I guess I could say that my goals have aligned with theirs with respect to this topic. And yes, I consider myself different from the rest of society so they remain “them”.

It’s so easy to come up with reasons to defend yourself yet it’s so hard to find the right one. There are just so many fabricated excuses that loom up. I have no idea why I subconsciously generate a shadow around my true intentions. I have nothing to hide because I’m not on trial. I’m sharing my thoughts with people and their feedback (relevant ones, that is) is insightful. Usually, these fake excuses are peppered with noble traits and characteristics. Something to make me look good in their eyes. Yet, that defeats the purpose of my blog so the truth does prevail. When I started this blog, I had written a short blurb saying “I’m not writing all this to make friends. If you have a problem with my words, then come find me.” That still holds.

So, I think that’s all I had for now. I know there were a couple more topics but they aren’t coming to mind so I’ll forego them for now. Besides, I’ve rambled on for quite enough time now. So, with my farewell, I’d just like to thank you for reading my blog. Perhaps it’s not on the grand scale that I’d like it to be but I can always optimistically hope that I write something people find influential and insightful. Or that my word spreads and catches the attention of more people.